Christopher Lasch - "Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success."
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A butt-ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks, "Are they twins?"
The woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7.Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No," he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice!"
The assignment
A college class was told they have to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were:
The short story must contain the following three things:
1. Religion
2. Sexuality
3. Mystery
Below is the only A+ story in the entire class:
Good God, I’m pregnant. I wonder who did it.
Kennedy Tribulations
- Satisfied that he had made a thorough observation of the accident scene, Farrar pulled the body of Mary Jo Kopechne out through the open window. The maneuver was complicated by the victim's hunched posture and outstretched arms made inflexible by rigor mortis.-As he removed the body from the Senator's car, Farrar observed that it was "about one-quarter positively buoyant. There was still a little air left in her."- Farrar tied the safety line around the victim, and brought her to the surface. The difficult recovery had taken him 10 minutes. In all, it took John Farrar 30 minutes from the time he got the call until he recovered the body from the accident car.
- Farrar repeatedly expressed the opinion that Mary Jo Kopechne had lived for some time underwater by breathing a bubble of trapped air, and that she could have been saved if rescue personnel had been promptly called to the scene. He had equipment to administer air to a trapped person directly or to augment an air pocket inside a submerged automobile.- "There was a great possibility that we could have saved Mary Jo's life," Farrar said. "There would have been an airlock in the car - there always is in such submersions - that would have kept her alive. If we had been called, I would have reached the scene in 45 minutes. I say 45 minutes because it was dark. ( The daylight recovery had taken 30 minutes ). The lack of light might have caused a delay of 15 minutes."
- Three days before the Kennedy accident, The Boston Herald Traveler had run a story about a New Hampshire woman who had spent five hours in a submerged automobile. Amazed to find the driver unconscious but alive, police rushed the victim to a hospital where she was given respiration and treated for immersion. Doctors said an air bubble trapped inside the car had saved her life.
- When the body of Mary Jo Kopechne was removed from the water, Chief Arena scrutinized her pale lifeless face. The mouth was open, teeth gritted in a death grimace. Otherwise, he said, "She appeared normal in the sense that there were no injuries that I could see."
The American Cowboy
"Whatever he did, he did with his might. The bread that he earned was earned hard, the wages that he squandered were squandered hard . . . If he gave his word, he kept it."Who was Owen Wister talking about when he wrote those words in his 1902 novel, The Virginian? The American cowboy, of course. Owen Wister was born in Philadelphia on July 14, 1860. The Virginian helped establish the myth of the American cowboy. However, as the image of the American cowboy became more popular in films and songs, real cowboy culture faded. What do you think the real life of a cowboy was like?
Movies and books about the Wild West often make the life of the cowboy seem more glamorous and full of adventure than it really was. In The Virginian, the climactic showdown and tender romance between a refined Eastern schoolteacher and a rough-and-tumble cowhand, made the cowboy into an American folk hero and introduced themes that became standard in American Western movies. What is your favorite part in a Western? How did people learn about the Wild West before there were movies?
Even before the Western-type of movie became popular, people were fascinated with life on the frontier. Former Indian scout and buffalo hunter Buffalo Bill Cody brought a cast of 100 cowboys and Indians, a collection of wild animals, and sharpshooter Annie Oakley to the East in 1883. Buffalo Bill's "Wild West Show" played for packed audiences into the 20th century.If you don't live on a cattle ranch, you can see today's cowboys at a rodeo, or you can pick up a book about the old West and dream about a life of riding into the sunset on the back of your trusty horse. You might want to start with Owen Wister's tale about The Virginian.
PMS Guidelines
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be over reacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.
13 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect
How to take a caffeine nap
The Caffeine Nap is simple. You drink a cup of coffee and immediately take a 15 minute nap. Researchers found coffee helps clear your system of adenosine, a chemical which makes you sleepy. So in testing, the combination of a cup of coffee with an immediate nap chaser provided the most alertness for the longest period of time. The recommendation was to nap only 15 minutes, no more or less and you must sleep immediately after the coffee.
Researchers have found that this works better than rolling down windows for cold exposure, blasting the radio and slapping oneself in the face to try to stay awake
Story of Vaseline
Posted by Jason Bellows on February 20th, 2006 at 10:03 am
Robert Peary took it to the North Pole. There’s a song in its honor. It makes smiles sparkle. It’s used to coat the feet of vending machines to keep pests out. It controls unruly hair. People put it on chickens to prevent frostbite. It protects baby’s bottoms, and is invaluable to virgins. A tycoon swore eating a spoonful a day helped him live to see 96 years, and odds are that you have some in your home. It’s Vaseline.
The name Vaseline comes from the German word for water and the Greek word for oil—though I never thought German and Greek mixed. The inventor, Robert Chesebrough, was a purveyor of illumination oil and a chemist in England who saw that there was a greater fortune to be made dealing in petroleum than there was in the oils from whales with which he had been dealing. In 1859, at the age of 22, he spent his life savings on a ticket to Titusville, Pennsylvania to meet with the oil barons there. Upon touring the oil fields he noted a rigger scraping a thick, dark goo from an oil pump’s joint, and he asked about. It was explained that the troublesome wax-like gunk tended to come up with the crude, and collect on the rigging; if it wasn’t cleaned off periodically, it would gum up the works. And some people thought that it helped wounds heal faster—that notion lit dollar signs in his eyes, and he made off with a bucket full of the “rod wax”.Seeing how the rod wax was worthless, he knew that he could make a large margin on it, and as a chemist, he quickly set to work purifying and clarifying the substance. It took him 10 years to make the colorless, odorless gel we’re accustomed to today. Bear in mind, however, that in the late 19th century, the only such oils available were lard, goose grease, olive oil, garlic oil, and some mustard plasters—if they didn’t start out as rank, a little time was prone to spoil them and make them that way.
He used himself as a guinea pig by cutting, stabbing, burning, and applying acids to himself and then treating the wounds with his wonder-salve. The first Vaseline factory opened in 1870, and the patent was granted in 1872. But he couldn’t sell the stuff. Pharmacists were uninterested, even when he showed them his self-inflicted wounds in various stages of mending.
So he took it on the road and gave Vaseline away. He gave roadside demonstrations of his masochistic experiments, and people took it, then went to their pharmacists to get more. Of course, the pharmacists had none, having spurned it before, ordered it in droves. Vaseline’s first major success came as medicine, which is ironic because later it was proved to have no curative power whatsoever—the only advantage to its use was the fact it kept grime and bacteria out of the injuries.
But no one could tell Chesebrough that it wasn’t a miracle. When down with a bout of pleurisy he ordered himself drenched top to toe with Vaseline, and he soon recovered. Shortly before his death he revealed that he’d been eating a spoonful a day for several years.
Is there anything it can’t do?
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