Witty definitions

Abstinence - is defined as a couple who don’t drink, don’t smoke and have adopted children.
Accident - A condition where presence of mind is good ; but absence of body is better.
Acquaintance : A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well enough to lend to
Adolescents - Children old enough to dress themselves if they could just remember where they last saw their clothes.
Advice - That the wise do not need and the fools do not take.
Age - A very high price to pay for maturity.
Alchoholic - A guy you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.
Anatomy - Something everybody has, but it looks better on a girl.
Archeologist - One who has a career always in ruins.
Atheist - A person who has no invisible means of support.
Baby - A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
Bachelor - A man who never makes the same mistake once.- A person who doesn’t have to leave the party when he starts to have fun.- A man who has been lucky in love.- One who is foot loose and fiance free.
Bank - A place where they rent you an Umbrella in fair weather and ask it back when it begins to rain.- A place that will lend you money if you can prove that you dont need it.
Bore - Somebody who when you ask him how he is, describes it.
Brain - The apparatus with which we think we think.
Calamity - These are of two kinds ones that are misfortune to ourselves and good fortune to others.
Celebrity - A personality who works very hard all his life to become known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Collaboration - The process where two people create something which each thinks is his own
College - A fountain of knowledge where everyone goes to drink.
Compliment - A verbal sunshine.
Conclusion - A place were you get tired of thinking.
Conference - A gathering of important people who singly can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Cooperation - An exchange between a man and a woman in which she coos and he operates.
Dancing - A perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Democracy - A form of religion where jackals are worshiped by jackasses.
Diplomat - A person who always remembers a girls birthday but never her age.
Drive in Movie - Wall to wall car petting.
Economy - Art of cutting down other peoples age.
Egotist- Someone who is always me-deep in conversation.
ETC. - A three lettered word used by more than a few to make people think that they know more than they do.
Experience - The wonderful knowledge that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again
Fad - Something that goes in one era and out in the other.
Fame - When you dominate the conversation and you are not there.
Familiarity - Something that breeds contempt and children.
Fashion - Something that goes in one year and out the other.
Flirtation - Attention without intention.
Friendship - Is more tragic than love It lasts longer.
Gambling - The sure way of getting nothing from something.
Gardener - Someone who thinks that what goes down must come up.
Genius - One who can do anything except make a living.
Good Housekeeper - Woman every time she gets divorced, keeps the house.
Gossip - When you hear something you like about someone you dont.
Happiness - The pursuit of something not the catching of it. ( have you ever chased the last bus on a rainy night?)- Is finding the owner of a lost bikini.
Happy married couple - Husband out with another man’s wife.
Heaven - Where the Englishmen are the policemen, The Germans are the engineers, The Italians are the lovers, The Swiss are the organisers and the french are the cooks
- Where you have an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English home, and a Japanese wife.
Hell - Where the Germans are the policemen, the English are the cooks, the French are the engineers, the Italians are the organisers and the Swiss are the lovers.
- Where you have a Chinese salary, a japanese home, an English cook and an American wife.
Hollywood - A place where they shoot too many pictures but not enough actors
Humility - A quality that disappears the moment you think you have it.
Ideal wife - A beautiful sex starved deaf mute who owns a liquor store.
Idealist - One who tries to keep politics out of politics.
Income - Something you cannot live without or within
Intelligent girl - One who can think up excuses that her boyfriends wife will believe.
Intoxication - The physical state in which one feels sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
Laughter - A tranquilizer with no side effects.
Logic - It is the art of going wrong with confidence.
Love - It is a temporary insanity curable by marriage.- A delusion that one woman differs from the other.
Love letters - State of the heart correspondence
Man - A creature made at the end of the week when God was tired.- Simple things that can survive a week end with just three things - Beer, Boxer shorts and batteries for their remote.- A creature of supreme intelligence who elects creatures of inferior intelligence to govern him.
Majority - A large group of people who have gotten tired of thinking and have decided to accept somebody else’s opinion.
Marriage - A community consisting of a master a mistress and two slaves making in all two.- Is give and take, you better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway- Is a process of finding out what sort of a guy your wife would have preferred to marry.
Martyrdom - The only way a man can become famous without ability.
Memory - What tells a man that her birthday was yesterday.
Metallurgist - A person who can differentiate a virgin metal from a common ore.
Middle age - When your narrow waist and your broader mind exchange places.
Mother - Someone who thinks that girls who go after her son are brazen and the ones who don’t are stupid.
Necessity - Almost any luxury you see in the house of a neighbour.
Neurotic - Someone who worries about things that didnt happen in the past instead of worring about something that wont happen in the future, like normal people.
Parents - People who bear infants, bore teenagers and board newlyweds.
Paristroika - Economic restructuring of France
Patriot - The fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.
Pedestrian - One who has 3 cars, a wife and 2 teenage kids.
Pessimist - Someone who’s never happy unless he’s miserable.- Someone who wears a suspenders as well as a belt.- One who would complain about the noise if opportunity knocked.
Petting party - An affair that lasts until someone gives in, gives up or gives out.
Politics - Is a combination of two words Poly - meaning Many and Tics - a blood sucking insect.
Politician - A man who approaches every question with an open mouth.
Prayer - Om work
Proposal - A proposition that lost its nerve.
Public Opinion - what people think people think
Sailor - One who makes his living on water but never touches it on shore.
Senior citizen - One who doesn’t miss the good old days as much as he misses the good old nights
Sex - An emotion in motion.
Smile - A curve that sets many things straight.
Sympathy - What one woman offers another in exchange for the details.
Tack - Intelligence of the heart.
Teacher - He who can does. He who cannot teaches.
Time - That which man is always trying to kill but which ends up killing him.
Truth - Something stranger than fiction, but not as popular.
Ulcers - Something you get not from what you eat but from whats eating you.
Vacation - When you spend thousands of rupees to see what rain looks like in different parts of the world.
Vision - The art of seeing things invisible - Jonathan Swift. Well proportioned girl - One with a narrow waist and a broad mind
Wrinkles - What all men have in their pants that no woman wants.