Emergency! Rescue Me!

My mind is dull. I can't remember anything. I can't concentrate.

I'm not supposed to "get lost" writing any more. I promised I wouldn't. Why shouldn't I fail at that, too? I fail at everything else.

I feel powerless and out of control of my life. I can't do what I want to do. I take no pleasure in anything anymore.

I worry about how I'm going to survive. Will I have to get a job? Will I be able to get a job at my age with my meager skills? I'm afraid to strike out alone. I'm comfortable with my sitting on my butt doing nothing, living off of a retirement and disability that will not go with me. (living off a man)

There's no one I can talk to -- no one I can turn to to help me through my problems. It'll always be this way. I turn men into abusers, the enemy, hitters and destroyers of my self will, self assurance, self provision. It's my fault I keep picking the same kind of man every time. God didn't do the choosing; He only allowed me to make my own mistakes once again.

I don't understand or have any insight. I'm stupid, slow and worthless. Anything I try will fail. Every job I've had I've lost due to putting the company out of business. Not really, but it seems that way because several in the last few years have.

Nobody wants me. I'm useless. I'm unprepared and ready to make a stupid rash decision that will affect drastically my future. (like getting the "h" outta here and just driving off to -- ? Florida ? -- Flagler Beach or maybe Fort Myers)

This is the best I've ever had it. Why throw it all away just so I can dream and write fantasies?

I am so apprehensive of the future. Are my expectations unrealistic? I suppose I equate true love with never fighting, never arguing, never disagreeing, and always being there for each other -- which I am not there much for him -- so it's back to being my fault.

I feel as though I'm slowly crumbling from the weight of my burdonsome life as it is now. I have memories of some happy childhood times, naturally, and a desire to share my life in a happy family, yet I am left unfulfilled. I'm depressed over my unachieved expectations.

I feel sad and lonely. I cannot let go of the past. I still harbor hatred.

I am one messed up writer.

Don't guess I'll eat a bullet just yet. Terrible way to meet one's maker, IMHO.