I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
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