Making Small Talk

And Speaking of Small Talk... The art and beauty of making light conversation
TEXT BY SALLY ABRAHMS DECEMBER 8, 2000

Your holiday party schedule is sobering! You've got two company shindigs--yours and your spouse's--and five more invitations from friends.

If you're a smooth talker, you'll find it equally effortless to chat up the CEO standing beside you as the stranger waiting in line at the bar. For the 80 percent of us who find small talk awkward, however, breaking the ice, keeping the conversation going, and tactfully unloading a bore can be tough stuff. But it's important.

Talking up small talk

Small talk reaps big benefits. "So much of getting ahead is about building relationships with people who matter, and small talk can accomplish that better than anything," maintains Jill Bremer, president of Bremer Communications, a Chicago company that offers communication skills workshops. "Ambition and expertise will only get you so far. Charm may be the one quality that gets you ahead."

Whether it's an elevator ride with your boss or a sit down dinner party, social encounters offer great personal and professional opportunities. They can lead to networking, promotions, new jobs and friends. That's because people feel comfortable doing business with people they like and trust. Building a rapport begins with small talk.

According to Roget's II New Thesaurus, small talk is defined as "incessant and usually inconsequential talk: babble, blab, blabber, chat, chatter, chitchat, jabber, palaver, prate, prattle. Slang: gab, gas, yak."

In a word, Mr. Roget is wrong. Just ask the experts. Recent research conducted at Stanford and Harvard Universities found the top skill for the twentieth century is the ability to talk to others.

So, can we talk?

All well and good, you might say. But how does one do it? Smile, be friendly, make direct eye contact, look interested, and you'll be approachable and inviting. Also be an equal opportunity talker. "The smart person treats the spouse with the same warmth and interest as the boss," maintains Susan RoAne, a San Francisco communications coach and author of How to Work a Room, The Secrets of Savvy Networking, and What Do I Say Next?

A little flattery, unless it's flagrantly phony, can also ingratiate you instantly. It could be something as simple as "I love your sweater! Did you knit it?" or "great tie!"

What's the best way to engage someone? Take holiday parties again. Try, "What are your plans for the holidays? Have you seen any good movies lately? I'm looking for a book to read. Any suggestions? Have you seen the new Van Gogh exhibit? Have you tried any good restaurants lately? What did you do before you came here today? How do you know the hostess? or How are you finding motherhood?"

RoAne instructs clients to "build on what people are interested in. One conversation leads to another and that third chat may be the one that gets you the lead, the sale, the interview."
Barbara Lee of Brookline, Massachusetts, who hosts and attends many cocktail parties, finds small talk a snap. "I try to find a connection and keep at it until I do," she says. "I don't start off talking about myself. I ask questions because people love to talk about themselves."

"I think of myself as a reporter who is trying to get to know the person and discover where our lives might intersect," Lee explains. "The minute I find that intersection it becomes the connection upon which I build. Then when I see the person again, I can say, 'I remember you were telling me about your son's college hunt. What happened? Or I loved hearing about your vacation to the dude ranch. Are you going back?' Then when I see them again there's an instant rapport."

"The real art in small talk is how you keep the conversation flowing," believes Bremer. "Good conversationalists don't monopolize the conversation, they orchestrate it. That means they talk less and listen more. If they're in a small group, they make sure everyone is included, drawing in those who may have just walked up. They ask a question and listen actively to the response. They elaborate on what was just said with comments from their own experience and then--here comes the really important part--they ask another question! The Q & A format is what keeps the flow going."

Margo Krasne, the New York City author of Say It With Confidence and founder of "Speak Up!" workshops, warns clients to never speak for more than one minute.

Straight talk

If you're cursed with cement mouth, you don't have to be stuck. Small talk is a skill that can be cultivated. Being informed on local and world events and industry news gives you infinite subjects to discuss. One way to keep current is to read the newspaper and a newsmagazine the day of the event. Some smooth talkers head to the newsstand or online to peruse periodicals so they can interject fascinating or offbeat factoids into a conversation.

It's hard to believe, but if all else fails, the weather will work for starting a conversation, especially if it's been unbearably hot or particularly rainy or raw.

You don't say!

Off-limit chitchat includes sex, gossip ("Penny put on so much weight, is she pregnant?"), money problems, marital spats, and depressing issues. Swearing and complaining are also no-no's. Who wants to converse with a whiner?

Bag the heavy topics, unless it's politics, and then know your audience. If your crowd is conservative, save discussion about the recent release of the abortion pill for your intimate book club. If you're with a group of hunters and bring up the virtues of gun control, you're likely to trigger bad feeling rather than pleasant talk.

If you bring up work, keep it light. Making a business plug at a social event is a faux pas. If, for instance, a guest is telling you about his interest in e-books and the Napster case, offering your opinion on copyright and ownership are appropriate. But if you launch into a discussion about how he should upgrade to software you sell, it's not a conversation, it's a tacky pitch.

You snooze, you lose

Okay, you've tried. The weather isn't changing the dull conversational climate nor is the other person's reflections on rare birds in Sri Lanka. "If a person is boring, you just haven't found the topic that gets them jazzed," says RoAne. That may be, but when you're ready to move on, it's important to be gracious. "That boring person you rudely leave could be next year's billionaire who could have hired you!" she believes.

End game

It's time to circulate. Excuse yourself and tell the person you hope to see him again (okay, so it's a white lie!). Or offer your hand, which signals your departure and say, "I hope you enjoy the rest of the conference (party, meeting)" and move to another group or area.

Krasne advises people who want to penetrate a group to stand close by while they're talking, wait for the right moment, and then ask a question.

What do you think of that idea?


SALLY ABRAHMS co-author of What Every Woman Should Know About Divorce and Custody, finds the title of her latest book elicits easy small talk, since she's never been divorced.

NOTE: Jugglezine owns the copyright to Sally's piece. Jugglezine is an ezine about balancing work and life sponsored by Herman Miller, Inc.