Jokes that made me laugh

Q: What form of birth control do most lawyers use?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How can you tell when your divorce is getting ugly ?
A: When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About four drinks.

Q: What's the difference between "anxiety" and "panic"?
A: "Anxiety" occurs the first time you can't do it the second time. "Panic" occurs the second time you can't do it the first time.


The professor had the following as an extra credit question on an exam:
An age-old question is "How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?" Answer that question given the following:
Each angel requires an area equal to a circle with a diameter the size of a gold atom in which to dance.
The pin in question has a head which is a circular plane with a diameter of 0.5 mm.
Make any other assumptions necessary to solve the problem.
The professor was sorry to admit that he had to give full credit to the following answer:
I assume that angels do not exist. The answer is 0.

A man is at work one day when he notices that one of his co-workers is wearing an earring. This co-worker is normally a pretty conservative fellow, so the man is curious about this sudden change in fashion.
He walks up to the co-worker and says, "I didn't know you wore an earring."
"Don't make such a big deal... It's only an earring," the guy replies sheepishly.
The man falls silent for a few minutes but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."


Lottery winner
A woman came home, screeched into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
"Oh my God!" her husband yelled back. "Wait... What should I pack?"
"Doesn't matter," she yelled back. "Just get the hell out."


After a meeting at a bar, the couple returned to the woman's apartment for a nightcap. Before long, things turned passionate and the pair headed for the bedroom, clothes flying as they went.
Ten minutes later, the women suddenly sat straight up in bed. "Oh, my God!" she cried. "My husband's coming in the door!"
"Shit," the fellow exclaimed, desperately trying to find his trousers. "Where's the back door ?"
"There is no back door," the woman replied.
"Well," he asked, "where would you like one ?"


"You know that "look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." - Steve Martin


Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams


The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.


A good memory
Three old men were sitting around reminiscing about their earliest memories. The first said, "Yeah, I remember my first birthday party; had about a dozen tykes there."
The second says, "Your first birthday! That's nothin'... I remember waking up in the hospital the day after I was born."
The third one wasn't saying much, so the other two - thinking he couldn't remember anything - tried to poke him up a little. "What's the first thing you remember, George ?" one of them asked.
"Oh," George said, "I guess that'd be going to the prom with my father and coming home with Mom."


A rancher bought a champion bull for his herd of cows. When he got it back to the ranch, though, the bull was listless and didn't perform as expected. The rancher called the vet, who came to examine the prize bull. After the examination, the vet gave the rancher a bottle of tonic and told him to give the bull one spoonful per day.
The next day the rancher gave the bull a spoonful. A few minutes later the bull roused himself and took an energetic interest in the rancher's cows. The day after that, the rancher gave the bull another spoonful; again, the bull made himself useful with the cows.
The third day the rancher had a friend visiting, and the friend watched as the bull received his spoonful of tonic and enthusiastically began to perform his duty.
"Wow!" said the friend. "What's in that stuff?"
"I don't know," replied the rancher, "but it tastes sort of like wintergreen."


Fighter pilots
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and a fighter pilot?
A: God never thinks He's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: The jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.


Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and in a loud voice, "Willowby, Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight-lipped smile, "Sloan. Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both judges."
After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, " O'Bryan, Master Chief Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marines, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals."