Things I've Missed Out On

Things I’ve Missed Out On
September 24, 2003

1. Possessing the love of my life – being madly, wildly “in love” with a handsome, desirable man and having him feel that way about me. Sometimes I almost feel like I could fall in love with my husband, and that vulnerability frightens me. He would have great power to hurt me, and if I told him everything about me, he might not love me any more. A fantasy love affair is perfect because you control everything that’s said and done, just like writing a novel. It’s a bit like playing God.

2. A long-term relationship with shared memories; “growing up” together and falling more and more in love over the years. I regret giving up on past relationships without attempting to work things out. Walking away is not always the best thing to do. I realize you can never go back to a shattered relationship and I do not want to. I want to work things out in my present relationship. I want to feel secure and know that arguments or disagreements are not going to lead to divorce.

3. Prestige, accomplishment, “fame and fortune” – a sense of importance, of having made a difference. The fame and fortune isn’t even as important as the feeling of making a difference in the world. I remember wanting that more than anything when I graduated from college in ’75. Right now, I really feel that I am where God wants me to be. Sometimes I wish I could see His design and purpose for my life more clearly.

4. Motherhood and raising a child – I gave that up for purely selfish reasons; my fear of not being a good mother was self-fulfilling when I left my daughter with my ex-husband to raise. This was one of the most difficult things that I had to forgive myself for after I was saved – both leaving my child and subsequently not wanting any more children. I knew God had forgiven me, but it was hard to forgive myself.

5. Adventure and risk taking – travel to foreign lands, bungee jumping, sky diving, parasailing. I sometimes imagine doing these things, but even if I had the freedom, time and money, I doubt that I would actually do them.

I wonder if I am feeling guilty for being so blessed right now, with a wonderful home and a good Christian man for my husband. Things are going so well, and I am so undeserving. I expect it all to tragically end at any moment.

I also resent the fact that my husband tries to control my thoughts. I call him the “thought police” when I get mad. He doesn’t want me fantasizing. He says he doesn’t need fantasy and he thinks I’m immature for thinking that I do.