Letter to a Rapist

Letter to a Rapist.

I recently read an article entitled "By any Other Name." It was an article about rape and the experiences womyn have with men that seem like rape and yet are not called "rape" because it is a term that womyn are hesitant to use, ashamed to name their experiences by what they are.

They are hesitant because they think rape only happens between strangers, or that it only happens if a womyn is beaten up or if a womyn fights back with all her might. But these are not the only situations that constitute rape. Reading that article has helped me to recognize this and to write this letter to you.

To: ...................................................

For many years I have carried around a memory. The memory of a hot summer's day when you invited me to your parent's home for a swim and so you could give me my birthday present. We went swimming and then we went back inside and I went into your brother's room to change. Then you came in. I remember kissing you and then I remember saying no, that I didn't want to have sex or for the situation to go any further. I remember saying no a few times. You did not stop. You raped me.

I wish I had fought back harder but I now know that even though I didn't do this, you still had no right to continue... You should have stopped...

I do not want to call this incident "by any other name" anymore. I want to call it what it was, and it was rape. And I no longer want to be the only person to carry this burden, to have this memory or to be confused about what to call that incident.

I wish I had the courage to deal with this right after it happened. But I was confused, not sure if what I had experienced was wrong or not. I was 15 and I was naive, scared. I talked to you after, visited with you. But I never forgot and I always felt that something was wrong about what occurred. As time passed I finally got the courage and the education to be able to address this situation, to be able to think about it and eventually to be able to talk about it. I realized that it was wrong. I stopped having any contact with you whatsoever but your memory and the "birthday present" you gave me continued to haunt me. I have since grown the courage to name the incident, to begin to realize that I am not at fault, that it doesn't matter that I did not fight back harder, and that even though I was very confused about what happened and about whether or not it was rape that it is never too late to call something by its name. It is not too late for me to realize this and to start addressing the incident in a way that is appropriate and in a way that recognizes that you violated me in a violent manner... You can choose to react to this letter however you deem appropriate. You can chose to ignore it, to deny it, to slander me, or to acknowledge and address this.

I do not write this letter to ruin your life or make you feel like a bad person. I do not think you are a bad person, but I do think that what you did was bad...

My purpose in writing this letter is twofold. Firstly, I want to rid myself of this burden, to finally name my experience so I no longer have to second guess myself, my own actions, or my own feelings about the incident. And, I suppose, part of me wants you to have to carry this burden with you as I do. I do not want to be the only one that thinks about this and is overcome with all kinds of sorrow when I think about that day.

Secondly, I want to let you know that I know what you did. I hope you know it too, and maybe you have even addressed this within yourself and maybe you are more respectful to womyn now. I feel I have to tell you this for myself and for other womyn. I do not want you to do this to other womyn; I hope you have not. I hope that by writing this letter you may get help if you have not already done this. I hope you have the courage to address this, just like I finally have the courage to address it. I hope you find the strength to apologize to the womyn that you have pressured and/or that you have raped. I hope you get information and learn what is appropriate sexual behavior and what is not. I hope that you recognize that by being pushy when it comes to sex you are being disrespectful and you are sexually assaulting womyn. I hope you know that no means no and that once no is spoken you must stop and you must not try to convince the person to change their mind.

...I hope you know you raped me.

After you have done these things, I hope you find peace, just as I hope that I find peace after mailing this letter. I hope you find the courage to make amends with yourself, to educate yourself and to stop this behavior, if you have not already done so.

Sincerely,
The Womyn who Survived You

I wrote this the summer of 2001, shortly after my birthday, in an attempt to finally rid myself of my demons, give myself the gift of self forgiveness, reclaim my spirituality and re-own my birthday.

I believe all womyn should sit down and write a letter to the men in their lives that have engaged in acts of violence against them. I believe that by calling rape what it is, instead of by "any other name" we begin to shed our shame and begin to place blame where blame belongs. The process of not healing became a vicious cycle I could not rid myself of. I did not tell anyone because no one would believe me; I waited so long no one would believe me; I haven't done anything about it for this reason &endash; no one will believe me. The truth is, I didn't believe myself because of the stereotypes and misconceptions surrounding rape. I didn't want to call it rape; I preferred to call it by any other name. It made me feel less dirty, less of a victim and ultimately, less of a person. I believe similar incidents have happened to many womyn who still continue to call what happened to them, by any other name. By so doing, we are continuing to accept some of the onus for what happened to us. We are continuing to accept part of the blame. But it is not ours to own and it is only when we return the shame, the guilt and the self-loathing to the rightful owner, the rapist, that healing begins.

I believe this simple act of writing letters can change the world, by helping to end violence against womyn and helping to heal womyn. We owe it to other womyn; we owe it to the men, but most importantly, we owe it to ourselves.

In Sisterhood and Solidarity,

Paola Konge http://www.tgmag.ca/ywcpr_e/vrapis_e.htm