Aimee DuPre's Journal

Check out Psychological time vs clock time

2010-08-17T11:55:00.001-04:00

Check out Psychological time vs clock time

This is a great article and gives you something to think about, both for yourself and for the characters you are creating. It's a great way to move character growth throughout your story.

More Quotes

2010-07-19T13:28:00.001-04:00

Choose your enemies wisely, for that is what you will become.

Computers are stupid. People are smart.

Computers make people easier to use.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don’t.

There is no such thing as a free lunch, but from time to time, you may encounter a free beer.

Complexity is built on many layers of simplicity.

This Asimov quote is probably one of my earliest favorites:
"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic" - Isaac Asimov

Sun Tzu quotes

2010-07-19T13:26:00.000-04:00

It takes twenty pounds of provisions to deliver one pound to a remote location.

Those who face the unprepared with preparation are victorious.

Invincibility is a matter of defense; Vulnerability is a matter of attack.

Defense is for times of insufficiency, Attack is for times of surplus.

Great wisdom is not obvious, great merit is not advertised.

When trouble is solved before it forms, who calls that clever. When their victory without battle, who talks of bravery.

By the comparison of measurements you know where victory and defeat lie.

Disorder arises from order, cowardice arises from courage, weakness arises from strength.

The brave can fight, the careful can guard, the intelligent can communicate. No one is useless For unfailingly secure defense, defend where there is no attack.

The ability to prevail, by changing and adapting, according to the opponent is called genius.

For the skilled it is profitable, for the unskilled it is dangerous.

Act after having made measurements. The one who first knows the measure of far and near wins.

Once people are unified, the brave cannot advance alone, the timid cannot retreat alone, this is the rule for employing a group.

Using order to deal with the disorderly, using calm to deal with the clamorous, is mastering the heart.

A surrounded army must be given a way out.

So the rule of military operations is not to count on opponents not coming, but to rely on having ways of dealing with them; not to count on opponents not attacking, but to rely on having what cannot be attacked.

If you can always remember danger when you are secure and remember chaos in times of order, watch out for danger and chaos while they are still formless and prevent them before they happen. This is the best of all.

When there are murmurings, lapses in duties and extended conversations, the loyalty of the group has been lost.

The six ways of defeat
1. First is not assessing numbers
2. Second is lack of a clear system of punishment and rewards
3. Third is failure in training
4. Fourth is irrational over-excitement
5. Fifth is ineffectiveness of law and order
6. Sixth is failure to chose the strong and resolute

Paper or Plastic: Is a Book Still a Book? By author Scott Nicholson

2010-02-27T09:27:00.000-05:00

Here's a free article for you to blog, post, publish, or throw away, as long as you include my byline and web address. Thanks and enjoy.
-------------

Paper or Plastic: Is a Book Still a Book?
By author Scott Nicholson
www.hauntedcomputer.com

Reading paper books is an emotional experience for which many of us have developed nostalgia. We remember our Dr. Seuss books, our early school readers, our library adventures, then the teen years and really ranging into our individual tastes. Right now, most of us did that with paper books. Ten years from now? I think not.

My first music of my own was a scratchy Rod Stewart vinyl LP I found in a dumpster (yeah, we were poor and didn't have much besides my dad's old-school country 8-tracks). I have a cassette tape of that scratchy vinyl LP, and that is my version of the experience--right down to the skip in the middle of "I'd Rather Go Blind." Even if I hear the song on a CD, my brain puts in the skip, because that's the way I know the song. If I sing it to myself, the skip is in there. That's my experience and my nostalgia.

Have you ever tried to play a vinyl album for a kid? They think you're nuts. Some people get fighting mad over the very idea of ebooks, as if this were Bradbury's "Fahrenheit 451." Paper books are "real books" or "true books," they say. Yet they still call CDs and iPod downloads "records" or "albums," the same name they used when the format was a large vinyl disc. And music wasn't harmed in the least. In fact, most of us who aren't crotchety old fuddyduds will allow that music is vaster, broader, and more experimental than ever because it is more easily shared and experienced.

I remember in the 1990s when a few Chicken Littlers were warning about the death of paper books. I laughed at them. I remember in the early 21st century when writers first started wondering about whether they should protect their electronic rights. The industry laughed at them. On Christmas Day, Amazon sold more ebooks than paper books. I'm not laughing anymore. I am selling ebooks. And I am writing books with the expectation that they will be ebooks. And I am planning the long arc of my remaining career with the intention of staying "in print" and viable. On my own if necessary. And passing that to my heirs for the life of copyright. It's not only realistic, it's stupid not to do it.

And, as with the ease of music proliferation because of technological advancement, I see reading returning to the working class. You know, those people who can't afford $25 books and can barely afford time to read them because they are busting their chops to feed and house a family. A $2 ebook they can read in small chunks, and the convenience of carrying around 1,500 books at all times, will get more people peeking "between the pages."

Since I became interested in this issue, my research has shown that Kindle, Nook, and other ereader-device owners not only buy and read more books than they ever have before, they are trying genres and subject matter they never would have picked up otherwise. One man on the Kindle Boards hadn't read a book in 30 years because of visual impairment. Because he can now blow up the text size, he has read four books since Christmas. Teachers are taking their Kindles into classrooms and making reading cool again. Kids already have their own personal devices and are used to them. That's their nostalgia.

Publishers are trying mightily to stem the tide because they are invested in an old model in which they control and dole out content and lock up writers' rights for as long as possible. It's a central and overlooked element of the current ebook pricing wars. That's a side issue for readers but it's going to become critical if you believe the author is why we buy books, not the physical means or channel through which the story travels.

I fully appreciate those who defend the smell of pulp and ink, the tactile sensation of pages, the brilliance of a four-color paper cover and foil-stamped title logo. Many book bloggers fiercely defend paper books and most won't review ebooks at all. But if you look closely, the blogging phenomenon took over the role of "real newspapers" in reviewing and announcing books, to such a degree that many bloggers now are on the reviewer lists of major publishers, and obviously have a vested interest in preserving the current model because they are getting cases of free books. I don't blame them for not reviewing ebooks, because then they are left with nothing but the experience, and everyone loves free stuff. Already, there is a new model developing in which ebook bloggers may be readying to take over for "real book bloggers."

I love paper books, and I believe they will be around for the rest of my lifetime. There will still be bookstores, but they will be specialty shops and antiquaries instead of mainstream commerce centers. How much money have you spent at your local indie bookstore lately? Can you even find an indie within a two-hour radius? Here in my small university town, we have one indie bookstore and one specialty store that sells vinyl records. We no longer have a store that sells CDs, and only one chain video store. Are vinyl records the only "real music" or VHS tapes the only "real movies"?

I still have plenty of paper books. Some I keep because of nostalgia. I look at the object and feel that same attachment as I would with the old Rod Stewart album if it were still around. Other books I give away, but I still have the experience of the story. The "paper book" object is separate from the "book" experience of the story. Objects are ephemeral and paper crumbles to dust. The experience endures.
-----------------

Scott Nicholson is the author of eight "real books" and six "fake books" (er, ebooks). Some of the real ones have the same stories as the fake ones. The difference is the "real books" have often been declared out of print by the publisher and removed from store shelves, so his dedicated readers must take extreme measures to find them, including plundering garage sales and stealing from the library. His ebooks are easily available and cheap. The Skull Ring and The Red Church are two such cheap books at under $2 each. But, as the commercials say, the experience is priceless. Visit Scott at http://hauntedcomputer.blogspot.com or http://writegoodordie.com

jokes

2008-12-16T14:36:00.000-05:00

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Heather Locklear. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes!" cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You liar! That is not your wife!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Heather Locklear, You would have come up with Tara Reid. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me. Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said 'yes' to Heather Locklear!"
The Moral of this story: Anytime a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reasons and for the benefit of others.

"Fine" -- This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
"Five Minutes" -- If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
"Nothing" -- This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".
"Go Ahead" -- This is a dare, not permission. Proceed with extreme caution!
Loud Sigh -- Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
"That's OK" -- This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
"Thanks" -- This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it, just say "you're welcome" and back out of the room slowly.

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time you let me poot me hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Angus blurted out, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
54. Never to forget:
• birthdays
• anniversaries
• arrangements she makes.

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
Easy!
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food and beer.

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch... do it and die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health -- my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

How Men Interpret Language
Category: Language & Men/Women
Jumbo Joke is a free service of This is True, featuring bizarre-but-true news items from the world's press. Check the site for archives and free subscriptions.
It's really very simple, once you get the hang of it. A few examples:
1. "I'm going fishing."
Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and sit in a boat with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.
2. "It's a guy thing."
Translated: There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
3. "Can I help with dinner?"
Translated: Why isn't it already on the table?
4. "Uh huh, sure honey." or, "Yes, dear."
Translated: (Means absolutely nothing -- it's a conditioned response.)
5. "It would take too long to explain."
Translated: I haven't the foggiest.
6. "I was listening to you. It's just ... I have lots of things on my mind."
Translated: Huh? I wasn't listening.
7. "Take a break honey, you're working too hard."
Translated: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
8. "That's interesting, dear."
Translated: Oh, are you still talking?
9. "You know how bad my memory is."
Translated: I remember the theme song to "F-Troop," the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the license plate numbers of every car I've had. But I have no idea when your birthday is.
10. "I dunno ... I was just thinking about you, and when I saw these roses I just thought you'd like them."
Translated: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.
11. "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Translated: I've severed a limb, but I'll bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.
12. "I've got my reasons for what I'm doing".
Translated: ...and I sure hope I think of some soon.
13. "I can't find it."
Translated: It didn't fall into my out-stretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.
14. "What did I do this time?"
Translated: What did you catch me at?
15. "I heard you."
Translated: I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't find that out.
16. "You know I could never love anyone else."
Translated: I am used to the way you yell at me, and I realize it could be worse.
17. "You look terrific."
Translated: Oh God, please don't try on any more clothes!
18. "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Translated: No human will ever see us alive again.

Gender Vocabulary
Category: Language & Men/Women
Jumbo Joke is a free service of This is True, featuring bizarre-but-true news items from the world's press. Check the site for archives and free subscriptions.
THINGY
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMITMENT
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
MAKING LOVE
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
ENTERTAINMENT
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
BUTT
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

The Woman's Guide To Male English
Category: Men/Women
Jumbo Joke is a free service of This is True, featuring bizarre-but-true news items from the world's press. Check the site for archives and free subscriptions.
Make sure you catch The Man's Guide To Female English, too!
What He Says What He Means
I'm hungry I'm hungry
I'm sleepy I'm sleepy
I'm tired I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie I'd like to have sex with you later
Can I take you out to dinner? I'd like to have sex with you later
Can I call you sometime? I'd like to have sex with you later
May I have this dance? I'd like to have sex with you later
Nice dress! Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage I want to fondle you
What's wrong? I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this
What's wrong? What meaningless, self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored Do you want to have sex?
I love you Let's have sex right now
I love you, too OK, I said it -- we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
Let's talk I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
I like that one better (while shopping) Pick any frigging dress and let's go home!

What She Says What She Means
We need I want
It's your decision The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want You'll pay for this later
We need to talk I need to complain
You're...so manly You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight! Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! I've got my period
This kitchen is so inconvenient I want a new house
I want new curtains and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
I need wedding shoes the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? I did something today you're not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt too big? Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate Just agree with me
Yes No
No No
Maybe No
I'm sorry You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix so you'd better get used to it
I'm not yelling! Yes I'm yelling because I think it's important
All we're going to buy is a soap dish It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few purses, and those sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 50 will not lay next to you in bed and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 50 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 50 give a darn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 50 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.
Women over 50 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50. They always know.
A woman over 50 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed hot woman of 50+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 18-year-old waitress.
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free," here's an update for you: Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

On Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew about it.
On Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that yes, he had slept over. And two claimed that he was still there!

Man: Haven't we met before?
Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.
Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.
Man: So what do you do for a living?

Woman: Female impersonator.
Man: So, wanna go back to my place?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Man: I'd really like to get into your pants.
Woman: No thanks. There's already one ass in there.
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet.
Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!
Woman: Yeah! To pick up some chicks!
and...
Man: "Hi, I'm a millionaire!"
Woman: "Hi, I work for the IRS."

Why Men Can't Win
Category: Men/Women
Jumbo Joke is a free service of This is True, featuring bizarre-but-true news items from the world's press. Check the site for archives and free subscriptions.
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist pig. If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If you're totally beat after a hard day, you don't give a damn about other people's needs. If she's totally beat after a hard day, she's tired.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be "someone else".

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are too.
The Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 5:00 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer that all you do in the Marines before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad -- there's warm water.
A Marine Corps breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
As Marines we're expected to go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sargeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sargeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some.
The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bullseye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ol' bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Tammy Gail

Lying – A detailed information study

2008-12-16T14:33:00.000-05:00

Men lie. I don’t know why.

"I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you."
Friedrich Nietzsche

WARNING: In this article the words "men" and "they" are not meant not include all men, just those who do what I'm accusing them of doing.

There's no denying, men lie. Not all men, but the ones who do, lie a lot. (Women lie, too, but we'll deal with them later).

The lies men tell vary from the mundane and ineffective - the ones other people see through immediately, men and women - to the truly creative. The odd thing is, they never seem to learn which lies work and which don't. I've often wondered if there isn't a book they all secretly own, and choose their lies from: Lies that Work, I always thought it might be called.

Some experts say men lie more than women do; others claim the opposite. Everybody lies. But why do men lie so much? Here are the top ten reasons men lie:

1. To get sex.

Men will definitely lie to get sex. I once saw an apparently homeless man on the street, with a signboard that read: "Will work for food. Will beg for sex."

Some men are so desperate that they'll tell outrageous lies that a 2-year old retarded deaf mute wouldn't believe. Some examples:

"You are so beautiful I can't believe it." (To a plain girl who has known what she looks like for years. Even given the fact that beauty is subjective, this isn't going to fly very often. And although he'll brag to his buddies that he scored, he'll also lie and claim you are a real beauty, otherwise, no points).

"I would love to get married to some nice girl." (Yeah, but he's not likely to. He's 48 and NEVER has been married. You have to ask yourself: Why now? Why me?)

"Married?! Who, me? Of course not, would I lie to you?"

Yes.

The most critical lie men tell is, beyond doubt: "I've been tested, and I'm clean."

Number Two: "You can't get pregnant, I've been fixed."

2. They love to, and in many incidences, they don't believe there's anything "wrong" with it. They don't believe they're really "lying if they withhold some of the truth."

Men are so accustomed to lying to other men (I'm convinced this starts in childhood) that it just seems natural for them to lie to women, too. Men lie to their co-workers; they get together in bars to drink and to lie to each other about their role in "the war," about their income, the amount of their debt, what their car will do, etc., etc. There seems to be some unwritten rule that "I won't call you on yours, if you don't call me on mine."

Some men feel it adds something to their appeal/image if they can put something over on someone. With women, it's part of the "chase," the "challenge" ("I told her she was the nicest woman I ever met, and she tipped right over backward - har! Har! HAR!") It's useless to hold this against them, or try to make them stop. Many just can't.

Men don't seem to think it's a lie if it's for a good cause: to avoid hurting someone's feelings, for example (especially their own), or to get sex (they believe they're entitled), or to get out of sex.

3. Despite their love of fighting and war, they will lie to avoid conflict.

Many men love nothing better than to play war-like video games, to watch or participate in sports, where violence and competition rule; they love the idea of going to war, especially when young (of course there are exceptions, some old men would still sign up if allowed to), but if their wife or girlfriend catches them in some nefarious activity, they'll lie like floor polish to save their own behinds.

Down at the level where they live, though, men hate conflict. One reason may be that most of them face enough stress and competition at work that when they get home, all they want to do is relax, eat, watch a little TV or play with the kids, go to bed, have sex and segue into sleep before the next breath is drawn. Wise women will bring up the broken oven, the next telephone bill and other unpleasant news in the morning, when the man is fresh and rested.

4. They will also lie to get out of an unpleasant task, or when pressure is put on them to do something they don't want to do.

Pressure must feel to men like a noose slowly tightening about their necks, they react so negatively to it (is that what made "nagging wives" such a cliché?) Women often react negatively also, but they are less likely to react violently. No one likes pressure put on them. It would certainly be helpful if men felt comfortable expressing their feelings in the first place, and secondly, in a non-destructive way. Many men act as though feelings are almost alien to them - something that women were born with, but they weren't.

My brother was once married to a lovely woman he adored. But after several years, she left him. He was devastated, shocked ("How could she?!") and angry, and came to me to cry on my shoulder. He couldn't understand why Leslie had left him. "I thought we were happy!," he cried. I questioned him about what he wanted out of the marriage, and he told me. It appeared that Leslie had met all his needs. "So what did Leslie want?" I asked. He looked blank. It turned out that he didn't know what Leslie wanted, had never known, and I suspected, didn't much care. Men who suppress their feelings cut off a wide avenue of connection, and when it happens they have no one to blame but themselves. Feelings are universal: the most isolated pygmy tribe in Africa or wherever they live knows what anger is, what it feels like, and sorrow, jealousy and the other major emotions.

5. A man who is insecure is more liable to lie, or do worse.

Insecurity is awful for anyone, but men in particular seem to be vulnerable to it. I know a man who is terribly insecure; he needs to know where his wife is every moment of the day. He doesn't get angry or violent over her activities; he just needs to know. If he lapses and does something he feels is wrong and will reflect badly on him in her eyes, he is apt to lie about it. Women also lie for this reason. No one enjoys being busted. I know another, single man who lies all the time, but only about one thing. His age. He is actually 54 but tells the women he dates that he's 45. Some of them believe him. These men put pictures of other men on the dating sites (and think they can get away with it!); they may even go so far as to doctor their driver's license, or cut 5-10 years of their history away like pruning a bush.

6. They lie online because they think no one can hold them accountable (they're forgetting their wife, and that there's software available that will tell her exactly what sites they've been visiting, what they're saying in their emails, etc.)

The great thing about the Internet is that you can disguise yourself easily and tell any lie that appeals to you (that's also one of its great detriments). Men have been known to engage a teenage girl in a chat room in order to try to persuade her (1) that he's about her age; (2) that she'd be perfectly safe with him; and (3) she'll be missing a lot if she refuses to meet him. This is execrable behavior but despite the fact that there are severe penalties under the law, they continue to do it.

7. They'll lie if they feel trapped, or that someone is trying to trap them.

No one likes feeling trapped, but again, men are likely to react more...shall we say intensely, especially if they suspect someone's trying to manipulate them into marriage. The old, tried-and-true method of claiming pregnancy doesn't work any more - men know about birth control, too. I know a woman who met a man on Wednesday, and moved in with him on Thursday. In the first flush of love (sex) he allowed it. Now, while she's telling everyone they're getting married soon, he's trying to figure out how to get rid of her, and in this case, he's sure to feel justified in lying to her.

8. They'll lie if you bust them, and they see war coming.

This is closely aligned with #3, but there are slight differences. Men seem to feel more of an obligation to be truthful with their wives, less so with their children or bosses, but almost none with everybody else. If the man has done something he knows his wife won't approve of, he'll lie extravagantly to ward off her anger, or worse, disappointment in him. The stories they come up with are in the very back of the book, labeled "If all else fails..." These include "I had a flat tire," "I met an old friend from college" (he's never been to college), and "I was out all night because I got drunk and fell asleep in the car" (he doesn't drink, and doesn't own a car). Doesn't matter, he'll still lie and expect his wife to believe him.

9. They'll lie because their wife or girlfriend is stupid, or they think she's stupid.

A friend of my husband's nearly every night would stay in town after work instead of going home to his wife, sometimes until midnight or one or two in the morning. When my husband asked how he could get away with this, he laughed. "My wife is so stupid," he said, "she thinks Superman is a real person. She believes everything I tell her." He's now divorced.

10. They'll lie maliciously, for money or some other gain.

Some men don't care who they hurt with their lies. Two men in Florida recently conned a local business owner out of $50,000. They told him treasure was buried on his property.

They'll lie to get access to your savings, making you think you are the woman he's been looking for all his life, etc., etc. His money is tied up in investments, blah, blah, so he needs to use yours. Some of these guys are married to two or three other women they have bilked. If you find yourself embarrassed, feeling defensive or meeting ridicule when you tell your girlfriends about him, that's the time to tie yourself to a lamp post and think this over. If he really loved you, you wouldn't have to tell your friends, they'd already know. A man who is really, truly interested in the woman herself is difficult to get rid of.

How can I tell if a man is lying?

My friend Gloria says, "Look at his lips - if they're moving, he's lying."

Seriously, though, there are a couple of ways to tell: you can watch his body language. If he has his arms folded across his chest, he's expecting trouble and will probably lie to avoid it. His feet point to the way he wants to go, so if he's pointing at the door, stand back. Body language is useful, study up on it.
But mainly, pay attention to what he does. "Actions speak louder than words," and they also speak more honestly. When you first meet a man, he'll show you his best side, describe his accomplishments (sometimes borrowed from others), and shower you with attention, or even gifts. This slowly fades the longer you know him, and sooner or later he'll show you his shabby, under-the-rock side. This is the time when you'll make the decision whether to go on or not. With some men, it will take a year, with others, a few months will do it. Don't be home if those call back (and they always do).

The more you know about how and why men lie the better prepared you will be to deal with it when it happens to you!

Why Men Lie: Top 3 Reasons

By Melissa Balmer
Copyright © 2006, Seduction Insider, www.seductioninsider.com.

I decided to go straight to the horse’s mouth this time girls and ask a group of men I know straight out the top three reasons why they think men lie to women, and then why they personally have lied to women themselves. I found their answers very honest, enlightening and I think you will too. I also found it very interesting that more than one of the men stated different reasons for why he believes men lie in general and why he has lied himself.
Here is what Mark a 28 year old technical writer had to say:
Top Three Reasons Men Lie In General:
1) For Sex
2) To Avoid Conflict
3) To Avoid Doing Something He Doesn’t Want To Do

My Personal Reasons For Having Lied To Women:
1) I don’t know that I’ve ever lied outright for sex. Hmmm. Probably. Hard to believe that I haven’t.
2) If I’ve forgotten to do something, but I can do it before the lie can be found out, and I’m dealing with someone who will get bent out of shape, I’ll lie. Note that I’ll only do this with women who take it personally that I forgot and who will whine and get offended.
3) For number 3, this is a catch all: “I have to work late” to get out of some thing or another. Though, if I’ve said I have to work late, I do then generally work late. I don’t say I have to work late, then go do something else. Also, if I’ve already committed, I don’t then bag out at the last minute unless I really have to work late.
Jeff, a 32 year old grad student thinks his reasons concur with those of men in general:
My Personal Reasons For Having Lied To Women:
1) I lied because I did something wrong and I didn’t want to face up to it
2) I lied because I felt roped into a commitment
3) I lied because I didn’t want to worry her
Here’s some very honest and insightful views from Brett, a 36 year old P.R. executive in Los Angeles had to say:
Top Three Reasons Men Lie To Women:
1) Because they’re insecure. They’d never get the date if they admitted they were 5’6” or made less than $30,000 a year, so they figure they’ll “fudge” the truth and hopefully she’ll fall for him for all the other reasons women fall for men (that covers pretty much everything, by the way – as most things fall under the umbrella of insecurity). Alas, she won’t.
2) Because they have something to hide. This is another form of insecurity, since the truth often hurts. For example, if you’re married and looking for a fling, you’re most likely not going to admit to being married. Pretty much anything that will prevent one from getting a date will be glossed over for obvious reasons. Why tell someone you’re on Prozac? Or that your last relationship was emotionally abusive? Or that you’re fifty pounds overweight but “working on it”? This is what I call “bad truth”. You’re not lying, but you’re not giving full disclosure either. It makes sense – it just doesn’t end well in most cases.
3) Because they can. You’re not immediately accountable for anything when you’re hiding behind a computer screen and a fictitious username. Lying allows people to play out their fantasies and act more powerful than real life allows them to. Again it makes logical sense, but people adopting different personas online only set themselves up for failure in real life.

My Reasons For Lying To Women:
It may sound like a lie, but I never lie online. You need a healthy ego to be yourself in full, but the rewards are that no one will ever feel deceived when they meet you. I don’t disclose my income, or mention my dislikes at all – because why alienate anyone? Probably my most common non-disclosure is the don’t ask/don’t tell policy of dating multiple people. Women I’ve met often breach that by discussing their date last night or their upcoming date. I think it’s safe to assume most people are dating multiple people – there’s no value to mentioning it, however.
Usually it's just to stay on even ground. Women are more deceitful in "dating situations." and even though they say they are not dating others, they usually have more opportunity and will play the field more often. I find that too taxing and usually date one at a time. But I frequently, well, in the past, have found that women (LA women let's say) are not just dating to find a better match - they are dating multiples to find the best "deal" among them. When I discover this type of woman, Oh, let's call her a gold-digger for old times sake, I feel no compunction to tell the truth, but usually only lie for fun cause they won't be around me for very much longer anyway...
Here’s what Sam a 33 year old special effects wizard had to say:
I would imagine that all people lie because they are attempting to avoid confrontations that they know would arise if they told the truth. With that in mind this isn’t always a bad thing, but there is a fine line between what might be considered acceptable avoidance and deception. So, here are three examples spanning that range…
Top Three Reasons Men Lie To Women:
1) You're asked a leading question by your partner with no right answer. Example: Ex – Do you think she’s hotter than me? Am I fat? Etc…
2) You’re asked a question in which telling the truth will be to no ones benefit assuming that your actions are within reason. Example: Girlfriend “Were you drinking last night?” Guy “Yes” Girlfriend “Who were you with last night?” Guy “Mike” Girlfriend “Did you get a lap dance?” Guy “Yes”. If my girlfriend doesn’t want me drinking, hanging out with certain friends, or getting lap dances you’ll have shit to deal with, when the reality of these things is that they’re probably harmless in moderation.
3) You’re doing something devious and are totally busted like “What’s up with those charges from the Bunny Ranch” or “What are these hundreds of hours of phone calls to this number?”

Why Men Lie and Women Cry
By Lorraine Pirihi

I've just finished reading a great book by Allan and Barbara Pease entitled "Why Men Lie and Women Cry". A true and humorous account of the differences between the sexes and full of practical ways to communicate effectively.
I've enjoyed the book so much and felt it will be of great benefit to all of you that I just had to write up an extract from it:
Women Talk, Talk and Talk
" When a woman talks she often uses indirect speech. This means she hints at what she wants or infers things.
Women's indirect speech has a purpose - it builds relationships and rapport with other by avoiding aggression, confrontation or discord.
When women use indirect speech with other women there is seldom a problem - women are sensitive to picking up the real meaning. It can, however be disastrous when used on men.
Men Take Words Literally
Men use direct speech and take words literally. They find women's lack of conversational structure and purpose very disconcerting, and accuse women of not knowing what they're talking about. They respond by saying things like "What's the point here?" "Where is this conversation going?" and "What's the bottom line?"
Men then proceed to talk to a woman as if she is a mental patient or will cut her off by saying "We've been over this a dozen times", "How much longer will this take?" and "This conversation is too much hard work and isn't going anywhere!"
Indirect Talk In Business
When a woman uses indirect speech in business, it can prove problematic because men may have difficulty following a multi-tracked, indirect conversation.
Men need to be presented with clear , logical, organised ideas and information before they will make a decision. A woman can have her ideas and requests rejected purely because her male boss didn't have a clue what she really wanted.
Marie's Story
After six months of negotiations, Marie finally won the chance to present her company's new advertising program to a big financial client. The audience would be eight men and four women, the account up for grabs was worth $200,000, and she had 30 minutes to sell her story.
As she started into her presentation, however, she noticed how blankly the men were regarding her. She felt they were judging her critically and, assuming they were losing interest, she began to multi-track her presentation to try to spur their interest by going back to previous slides, talking indirectly and trying to show how one related to the other.
The women were giving her encouragement by smiling at her, using various facial expressions and making listening sounds like, "Uh huh", "Right!" and "Mmmmm" and generally looking interested.
Marie was excited by the women's feedback and started pitching her story to them, unintentionally ignoring the men. Her entire presentation became a juggling act. She finished and departed, convinced she'd done a great job and eagerly waited for the company's response.
Here's the conversation that took place between the male executives over coffee after Marie had gone:
Marketing Director: "Do you guys have an idea in hell c what she was talking about?".
Chief Executive: "No…she lost me. Tell her to sent the proposal in writing."
Marie had multi-tracked her presentation and used indirect talk with a group of men who didn't have a clue what she was talking about or what related to what. The women executives were happy with the presentation and had participated by asking questions but no man wanted to raise his hand and admit he didn't understand.
A woman needs to understand that if a man doesn't follow what she's saying he'll often pretend he understands rather than look stupid.
Regardless of a man's age, a woman still needs to talk with direct speech. Give him timetables, agenda, bottom line answers and deadlines.
Women need to be direct with men in business and give them one thing at a time to consider. Marie is still waiting for an answer…
"Why Men Lie and Women Cry, Allan and Barabara Pease info@pease international.com
The Final Word
This week I focused on women communicating with men, however there is heaps of great tips in the book to help you guys get along better with the fairer sex. .
I highly recommend you invest in "Why Men Lie and Women Cry". We've even been able to talk Barbara and Allan Pease into making a special offer to our subscribers (see page 2). I'm certain you'll discover some gems you can action immediately and dramatically improve your communications with the opposite sex.
About The Author
Lorraine specializes in working with businesspeople showing them how to dramatically boost their productivity, reduce the stress and the mess in their lives and have more time for enjoying their life. www.office-organiser.com.au, lorraine@office-organiser.com.au
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lorraine_Pirihi

Why do Men Lie? As featured in Womens World Australia March 2000
This handy reference guide to men's most frequent lies should help you see right through them and enable you to enjoy a sincere, honest and mutually satisfying relationship. If that is possible!
When it comes to doing household chores, men will often employ a crafty twofold lie and say, "I said I'll do it, so I'll do it." This implies that not only are they going to "do" whatever it is they are obviously never going to do, but that their word is their bond - another lie. Men would rather be honest, but saying "Not now, I'm staring into space" wouldn't have the desired effect. I've tried both, and I swear by the first one. Just like
women, men usually lie about how many people they have slept with. But, unlike women, men rarely trot out the same number twice. A man will exaggerate or underestimate, depending on the number of men he thinks the woman he's lying to has slept with.
Men usually lie to women about being wild in their youth. However, his story about the harrowing night he spent in the police cells is just a sad exaggeration of the time he was caught stealing a pencil and sharpener from Coles and cried like a baby until his mum picked him up.
A lot of the lies that men tell are nothing more than harmless vanity, but some can be downright dangerous. Watch out for bluffs like, "I'm a strong swimmer" and "Of course I know how to sail a boat." Avoid any scenario where you might have to rely on these dubious talents.
Men usually lie about how hard they work. They have always been experts at stretching two hours out into an eight hour day. In the old days, men lied to their wives about their grueling day, so they could lock themselves in the study and read Playboy instead of having to clean the barbecue grill. Now men not only have to lie to their wives, but to their female bosses as well.
When it's time for the end of a romantic relationship, male duplicity kicks into fifth gear. Even if he wants out, he'll do or say anything to make it seem like you're leaving him. Later, he'll call to say he can't live without you - usually when he discovers you've taken all the sheets.
A man who has cheated on you will lie about it well past the point of all rationality because, in hip mind, he has nothing to gain by telling the truth. Even when presented with incontrovertible evidence, a man will try to wriggle out of it - saying things like, "Oh dear, my evil twin must have escaped from prison again."
"I'm not drunk." This one's pretty obvious, especially as it usually sounds like "I'm nmmg dmgthph."
There is no reason to say you're not drunk - unless you are very drunk indeed.
When a man says he's thinking about giving up his career and opening a little bar on a beach in Fiji, he's not necessarily lying: he may really mean it, he may even do it. But he is lying when he says he'll take you with him.
When a man says sex with his ex-girlfriend was crap, he is lying. When he tells you sex with his ex was fantastic, he is lying again. Sex for men is one of life's constants: it's always pretty good.

From Charles Stanley -- Telling It Like It Is – John 9:13-25
The blind man willingly answered questions about his healing, no matter who asked. As a result, he received many different responses.
Neighbors argued over the truth of his story. They demanded to know how he received sight. The man honestly explained what happened. He said a man named Jesus gave him some instructions. When he obeyed, he was healed. The neighbors couldn’t deny what had happened. But they had trouble accepting his story because they couldn’t understand it. Today, the world still does the same thing. What they can’t explain, they try to deny.
The Pharisees also questioned how the blind man could see. In John 9:15, the man said, “He applied clay to my eyes, and I washed, and I see.” These leaders refused to believe him because they didn’t want to accept Jesus. They questioned the man a second time. And he simply repeated his testimony. He said, “I was blind, now I see” (John 9:25). They rejected his words again, refusing to change their beliefs. In the same way, some people reject God’s truth and cling to their own interpretation of the facts.
The blind man’s parents backed down when they were confronted by the Pharisees. They were afraid of the authorities, so they refused to tell the truth. Fear of someone’s reaction can keep us from speaking about our transformed life.

Men Love To Lie
By Heidi Muller
Every man who landed on this article knows why he's here. He isn't here to read a woman's point of view on dating. He isn't here to inform himself about what goes on in the mind of the opposite sex (men are convinced they have that one figured out, how wrong can they be?). And, he isn't here because his girlfriend e-mailed him this article.

Every man who is here, is here because he wants to read about the single thing all men have in common: their love of lying. Chances are, the men who are here are looking for anything that will validate their favorite pastime. Validation means they have an excuse to keep doing it.
liar, liar...
When I mean lying, I don't only mean lying to other women. Men will lie to each other with impunity about anything and everything under the sun, from the number of women he has slept with and his "alleged" size, to how much he bench presses at the gym.

Let's put the theory on the table. Men love to lie, but they are absolutely horrible at it. Women rarely lie, but when they do, it's a story so good that it could be the basis for 100 episodes of a Spanish soap opera.

You see, men who date have to lie. Part of the reason is that women force men to lie. An attractive woman comes down the street, and a man better say she's ugly and full of cellulite, or face the wrath of the dreaded Gucci handbag on the head.

Your woman put on a few extra pounds, you better say that she's in the best shape of her life, or else buying that handy bottle of hand lotion is as exciting as your love life is going to be for the next few weeks.

But beyond the faults women might have, men don't always have to lie. Yet they do as instinctively as they grab their privates on an hourly basis. Lies just shoot out of men's mouths with the ferocity of a machine gun.

These lies are often at the tip of their tongues, ready for any situation, and often so full of holes that they make Swiss cheese look like a water dam.
...pants on fire
Case in point: a girlfriend of mine came home earlier than usual to find her boyfriend in his underwear, with used condoms on the floor. Before she even had time to ask what was going on, the internal alarm inside of her boyfriend's head had concocted a story and spat it out.

His is a classic. He basically said that he was masturbating and decided to put on a condom so he can have anal sex with himself.

Right.

Beyond the mere physical impossibility of such a disgusting event even happening, why did he even leave the condoms around?

Laziness? Probably -- men are lazier than their Lazy-Boy chairs. More likely though, he figured the effort necessary to lie would be less than getting up from the couch, picking up the used condoms and putting them in the trash.

That's quite a bit of work when all you have to do is say you just became intimately acquainted with your "inner" self.

It's not entirely men's faults. They are raised to lie from the moment they are born. Protect your family and lie about bad things; lie about how you really wanted to cry during Forrest Gump ; lie about your age so you can buy the cheapest wine the 7-11 has to offer.
lying for a living
Is it a coincidence that men hold the majority of jobs that involve lying? Politics, government agencies, courtroom lawyers, plastic surgeons, psychiatrists -- who calls the shots?

Not that all men lie, of course not. But from experience (and 99% of women will back me up on this), the only men who don't lie are those devoted to their religion, gay, or have had their tongue removed.

Now let's turn the tables. Men lie often, but most times these are harmless lies that are said to protect their ego more than anything. Women have ulterior motives.
women's fib
Women hate lying. But unlike men, when they have to, they carefully craft a maze of stories, alibis and twists & turns that makes a Stanley Kubrick movie look like a children's TV show.

If men were a little smarter, they would figure out when a woman is lying. Here are some clues to let you know when a woman is spinning a wicked web (hint, hint, it's learning time).

my guy is the best in the world but oh my god he lies to me about the stupidest of things little white lies like last week he told me he was going to football training and to call over after i found out the following day he hadn't gone at all he went to look at some soccer match with his freind what was the point of that lie it made little difference to my life what he was doing that evening so why would he feel the need to lie

My friend was dating this guy who seemed so sweet and nice .. he used to do the sweetest things for her .. she use to always tell me how she had a feeling that he was lying to her all the time .. about everything and she didn’t know why. we ended up finding out that everything about him was a lie .. The car he drove, The job he had , Where he use to say he was at, He was also lying to his friends to make himself look good, I understand guys lie to us because in part we do put a lot pf pressure... Some of us wouldn’t date a guy with out a car , but we also wouldn’t want the guy to keep up a lie... at the end my friend found out he was picking her up in a car that he had borrowed from a girl he was dating.... I’m sorry but that was just too much .... That’s not having any kind of DIGNITY of MORALS!!!! so Men! QUIT LYING!!!!

Men lie to cover up their weak masculinity & they just want to appear interesting if they have a job here & there assigned . If they talk about career & so on ...also a way to escape if the girl will be too much clingy & they don't want too much responsibility ....a smart woman should know this .I can only give them a pity . Aside, they lie because they have such illness & wanted to be alone to take a rest & cured , it doesn't sound sexy to tell about sickness especially we are in a long distance & haven't see each other for many months ....save your drama to your mama !!!!!!!!

Nina1 - Thank you so much. Wow this sure sounds familiar! My sister met this man on the internet after emailing for several years. He brought her a computer - which he said he built himself. Every single time they had an argument, mysteriously the computer would pop up with a problem where she had to call the liar up. He knew things before she even told them to him. He also knew the high morals of our family. After some time, she began to listen to her gut feeling - because she knew something was not quite right with this whole scenario. We called up a good friend of ours, who is extremely dynamite on the computer. He found a Keylogging System, and Spyware installed on the computer. My sister did not inform the liar/stalker about it right away. She used the “conundrum” method. Knew immediately from his answers. Ladies if you ever want to find out what your man is up to and get the truth, (since this word does not fit into their vocabulary) type in their screen name into any search engine on the internet. My sister found certain groups online her boyfriend belonged to, which I am not going to list. He had a personal ad placed within the timeframe of the relationship. Everything he posted was all lies. Everything from day one was a lie. Ever have your man tell you he is going for a walk early in the AM, to call his mother, to return hours later… that this is his daily ritual? We know men have close relationships with their mothers, this was slightly overboard. He even used his mommy to fight his battles because he was too afraid to speak the truth. In the end, my sister is very happy to get rid of him.

My ex lied so much I am now finding it hard to reconcile when he may have told the truth throughout our relationship. Did he really love me like he said? At all? It's the hardest thing but as women we have to create a world that makes it safe for the man to tell the truth. We also need to be prepared to hear something we don't like and deal with it in a non-destructive way. We either have to decide we're going to live with it or walk away. Men need to learn how to embrace consequences of telling the truth without fear. If you don't love her anymore .. why stay and why lie about it? It's not going to do either of you any good. I agree that there is too much availability and not enough control in relationships today. Heck! Us girls need to learn not to give it up so easy and make HIM work hard to know you before he beds you. And this has to be universal otherwise he can easily walk away into some other woman's bed who is a little more carefree and loose about bedding men. I remember hearing somewhere if you want to know how a relationship is going to end .. look how it begun. I find this to be very true in my experience. The times when I've been an 'easy catch' the relationship has just as easily dissolved. The times when I have been more reticent and fussy has produced a more sincere and committed guy. Go figure? I just want to say to the guys who ready this - lying really, really hurts us girls. When we find one it then leads us to be unsure about everything else that comes out of your mouth. If you love her and respect her as a person - sit her down and tell her the truth even if you know it's going to hurt her like hell. She deserves no less and you need to be prepared for the consequences. If you really want the relationship to survive in the aftermath then you need to prove it to her with actions - NOT WORDS. Show her how much you love her. Take care to notice the trouble she goes to for you whether it's her appearance, the meals she cooks, the shirt she bought you - whatever. Girls - when he tells you the truth know that it took him a lot of courage to do it and try not to get hysterical because he slept with your best friend. I know you want to turn him into a frog and tear HER hair out but what is that going to do at the end of the day? It's going to drive him away faster than hare being chased by a cougar and it's going to revalidate to him that he was right for wanting to let you go in the first place. We have to keep our heads and know that if he's not the one - someone else is. Good luck everyone.

lies and alibis
Clue No. 1
The Unnecessary Phone Call
She calls you unexpectedly requesting as much information about your whereabouts and what your future schedule is for the rest of the day.
Will she sound suspicious?
Not really, she'll smoothen out all her answers with what she will do to you tomorrow .
What is she really trying to do?
She's trying to gage how much of an alibi she needs and where you were during the day to prevent you from bluffing later about knowing her whereabouts.

Clue No. 2
The Reversal
She does something out of the ordinary, and when you ask her about it, she turns it around and makes it a question about trust, and how you have no right to question her.
What is she really doing?
Rather conveniently, she has put the thing men dread on the table; the talk about "feelings". There is no better way to divert suspicion than to get a man into a tête-à-tête about trust.
End result?
He won't ask another question, and she just got away with going out to lunch with that cute Italian guy.

Clue No. 3
The Affection Level Is Too High
Is there anything more suspicious than when a woman suddenly starts kissing you like you were Bob Barker from The Price Is Right ?
What's going on?
The beginning of a cover-up that rivals JFK's assassination.
What did she do wrong?
Something very, very bad. Or she's pregnant.

Clue No. 4
The Look
What look? The look that she's mad -- very deeply mad. The type of mad that reads "I am justified in everything I just lied/or will lie about." This is a variation of Clue 2.
What's the tactic?
Men cannot deal with women that are mad. Any clues about the lie or screw-ups can be blamed on anger, emotions and hurt. Talk about an alibi.
Are men helpless?
Yes.
take this lying down
Women hate lying, they do it only out of necessity. Men love it; it gives them validation to their illusions of grandeur. Women do it like professionals; men do it with amateurish results.

Will anything change? No. Will men ever lie like women? No, too much work. Should you take any part of this article seriously? No, you should take it as an insight into the minds of women, and read it with a wink. A little light and fun reading never hurt anyone.

Happy lies!

Top 10: Reasons Men Lie To Women
By Shawn Croft
No matter what you preach, sometimes you just gotta lie. For better or worse, it is a fundamental part of our lives that may not be moral, but still remains. There are many, many different cases in life where telling your woman the truth only gets you into trouble. But if you could somehow manage to say something that doesn't hurt her, you're in the clear. Hey, it's better than revealing what you really did last night.

As the more "rational" sex (or so we tell ourselves), men can usually see the bigger picture. And white lies serve to leapfrog over all the yelling, petty explanations and frustration. Lying helps to avoid the emotional blowup over a small incident that we know is really insignificant.

So to further prove my point, here are ten reasons why sometimes, lying is the best way to go:
Number 10

Think of the alternative. If you tell your girlfriend you got toasted with the guys last night instead of preparing for that nice weekend in Vermont, she'll flip. Oftentimes, girlfriends are simply too sensitive to accept the fact that you held your own and did something your way. You'd be wise to realize that you'd save yourself and your woman a lot of time and pain by blurting a little lie instead.
Number 9

Throw in a few lies about how much that tennis bracelet really cost and it's a lot simpler than saying you had to take out a loan to please her. Why put yourself through a lot of discussion when you can simply end it by saying what she wants to hear? Both parties are happy, and no one gets hurt.
Number 8

Usually, a great part of being the "man" in a relationship is having control. Often, even if they don't directly admit it, some women like being submissive, letting you take command. If this is the case, who can blame you for twisting a story your way in order to assert power? That's right, you did think of setting up that romantic dinner all by yourself...
Number 7

When you arrive late to an important dinner at a nice restaurant, are you really going to tell her that the game went into overtime? It's more amusing and also lifesaving to say you pulled over to help an elderly woman with a flat tire or, more realistically, a policeman flagged you down for a busted taillight. Again, by stating that you were in a situation either beyond your control or in which someone was in need of your assistance, the blame spins away from you and you get showered with happiness that you made it.
Number 6

In a relationship that has recently become serious, the last thing you want to do is let her down and destroy all that trust that has taken you months to build. In lying about why you missed her important family gathering, you still maintain your integrity. That is not to say that this is like baseball, however: In this situation, it's two strikes and you're out. You have one "get out of jail free" card and that's it.

You're scared of her, admit it...
Number 5

Sure, you could stay up all night arguing about what you really meant when you said she was looking "thick" today, but you could end it right now if you bust out some truth twisting. When you're in a sticky situation, escaping with something made up will leave you untainted. This is not limited to romantic relationships, but can also be useful with any over-observant co-worker, mother-in-law or even parole officer.
Number 4

Admit it. Somehow, somewhere, you took a wrong turn and got "whipped," unlike the "empowered" guy in number eight. Now you've dug yourself a hole and although she keeps saying that she'd rather hear the truth than a story, you know she'll go nuts on this one. Out of sheer fright, you must lie to save the relationship. It is not an option, but a duty. You like this woman a lot? Then one little white lie won't hurt.
Number 3

The main reason for being dishonest is not for kicks, but to save your woman a world of heartache. You would never do it in an extreme situation, I hope. When asked "Am I fat?" or "Does this orange lipstick go with my purple dress?" it's actually a trap waiting for you to get tied up in. Of course, she wants you to be truthful, but she'll be hurt if you say what you're really feeling. In this case, a short complimentary answer is in order. In doing this, you'll be boosting her self-confidence and avoiding a full day of the "silent treatment."
Number 2

When an important commitment comes up that you cannot bring yourself to attend (one of her many friends' housewarming parties), you can make like Houdini and disappear behind a tiny lie. When an important Sunday church service lands on the same day as the NFL playoffs, you know what to do. Grin and bear it next week, but say you need to stay in bed this time due to a stomachache. She'll be glad you still want to go and will surely make an exception this time.
Number 1

Just like reverse psychology, lying is a tool men want, nay, need in their arsenal when facing a mood-changing, confusing woman. Whether on a first date or while enduring your one-year anniversary, one could delicately talk himself up. Picking up girls at clubs or bars requires a bit of this lying ability, aside from being debonair and having a bank of good lines.
choose your lies carefully
While lying is an important facet of a man's game, it is always done for good. Properly used, no one will end up hurt and you can move on. This is the key. White lies should be in your "reserves," but nothing more. It is in our nature to use these devices to please and if she is none the wiser, why stop? Just remember; once you're caught lying, you may end up on the whipped side of the spectrum, or worse, alone.

Male Psychology

2008-12-16T14:28:00.000-05:00

In his classic book, The Season's of a Man's Life (1985, Knopf, New York), Daniel J. Levinson outlines a series of development stages which he feels are universal to the life experience of all men. The stages are outlined in the slide below.

He argues than men go through major life phases. Within these phases are times of stability, generally lasting about 6-10 years and transitional periods which may last about 4-5 years. The primary task of every stable period is to build a life structure, to make key choices, form a structure around them and to pursue goals and values within this structure. This may be a tranquil or stressful times as options are weighed and choices made. A transitional period terminates existing life structures and creates the possibility for a new one. "The primary tasks of every transition period are to question and reappraise the existing structure, to explore the various possibilities for change in self and world, and to move toward a commitment to crucial choices that form a basis for a new life structure in the ensuing stable period."
(The Seasons of a man’s life
70
65 late adult transition
60 ending middle adulthood
55 age 50 transition
50 entering middle adulthood
45 mid-life transition
40 settling down
33 age 30 transition
28 entering the adult world
22 early adult transition
As men complete a development phase called "settling down", they enter into a life period which Levinson calls "Becoming One's Own Man" (age 36-39). A man becomes a senior member in his own world, he speaks with his own voice, and he has a greater measure of authority. He carries the burden of greater responsibilities and pressures. He gives up more of the "little boy within". Hopefully, he fulfills his "Dream." Many men do not complete this settling down in terms which are satisfactory to them. They do not achieve their "Dream", they find themselves trapped in dead end occupations, their marriages are no longer the Hollywood fantasy of perfection and they enter into Mid-life with unresolved developmental issues. Others, while quite successful in their lives, still struggle with the new developmental tasks of mid-life since this is perfectly normal. He will still ask "what have I done with my life? What do I really get from and give to my wife, family friends, etc.?" He yearns for a life in which his actual desires, values, talents and aspirations can be expressed (and often he doesn't know what they are). Much of this developmental turmoil may be "below the surface" since many men are only marginally aware of their own disquietude and/or do not communicate what is really happening to others. However, it breaks through in strange ways and behaviors-- often being precipitated by acute crises or events in his life. Since clinical depression is a common hallmark of repressed anger, ambivalence, and unresolved inner turmoil, a typical characteristic of this time in a man's life is depression which clinically appears far differently in man than women.
A man has several major tasks to work on during this transition. Awareness of this by others may provide one tool for assistance so that this transition is not too destructive.
He must terminate early adulthood. He has to review and reappraise this era of his life.
He often has to discover who he really his-- not the "self" of social expectations, parental scripts, corporate environments, etc. He may begin to modify negative elements of his existing life structure. This may require experimentation and even failures until the redefinition is clear.
He has to deal with the polarities of his life. There are:
Young/Old--the mid-life male is caught between poles. "Young" symbolizes birth, growth, possibility, initiation, openness, energy, and potential. "Old" symbolizes termination, fruition, stability, completion, and death. Young can be heroic, fragile, and impulsive. Old can be senile, tyrannical, and unconnected. The task of mid-life is to reintegrate these poles-- to seek new energy for creation but with wisdom and balance. One of the major problems here can be the inappropriate "quest for immortality" and all the destructiveness this can lead to. Another aspect of this polarity is man's quest for a "Legacy"-- what he passes on to the next generation. This may take the form of satisfaction from children, work with charitable organizations, mentoring, recognition for professional work etc.
Destruction/Creation--as a man reviews his life, he becomes aware of how destructiveness everywhere inhibits creativity. He needs to understand the destructiveness in his own life.. He needs to take responsibility for his own destructive capabilities. He needs to resolve issues of guilt, ambivalence, old anger, and grief over lost opportunities. A man's new creativity in middle adulthood comes in part with the relationship with his own destructiveness and from intensification of the loving, life-affirming aspects of self.
Masculine/Feminine--these polarities-- strength vs. weakness
Attachment/Separation-- to be attached is to be engaged, involved, rooted, plugged in. To be separated is to be more deeply involved in one's inner world. Separateness promotes creative adaptation and inner growth. During the mid-life transition, men need to reduce their heavy involvement in the external world. To do the work of re-appraisal and dis-illusionment, he must turn inward. As he leaves the dependencies of his earlier life (and this may be a very negative and destructive act), he forms a more universal sense of good and evil driven by his own newly emerging values as opposed to that of the community. He strives to find a better balance between needs of self and needs of society. With increased self caring and self awareness comes self development and integrity.

Levinson states that as the mid-life transition begins to resolve and reintegration of the Self occurs, that the man effects changes in three components of the life structure:
The "Dream"--this symbolizes youth, omnipotence, illusion, inspiration, and heroic drama. At mid-life, this imagery needs to be modulated and the conflicts engendered by this resolved.
Mentoring--As the man gives up the "Dream", so he also gives up being mentored, He must accept the loss and disappointment of being ejected from the youthful generation. He much become the mentor and derive satisfaction from furthering the development of younger men and women--facilitating their efforts to form and live out their own Dreams. Mentoring involves altruism, self-rejuvenation, and creativity. The hazards of inappropriate control, exploitation, jealousy, and excessive involvement are well known.
Marriage--A man may come to recognize that his marriage was flawed from the start. As he comes to know himself better, he comes to know his wife as a real person. He needs to either recommitment to his marriage on new terms and, in doing that, accept some responsibility for his own motivation and character or enter into a new primary relationship. Obviously issues with the Young/Old polarity create major problems here.
So, where does a couple in struggling with the throes of a man's mild-life tumult go. For a few reflections, please see .
Perhaps the principal reason male menopause has never been in the public spotlight is because men who experience the characteristic decline in virility during middle age are reluctant or even unwilling to acknowledge the condition. In fact, in many instances, this condition goes untreated until the male's spouse or companion brings it to the attention of a physician. The Institute of Endocrinology and Reproductive Medicine now offers a comprehensive treatment program for male menopause, a condition that received scant attention from the medical establishment, the media or from the men it affects-- at least until Viagra was released in the Spring of 1998. Dr. Karpas first published research on this subject in 1977, and he has done extensive research on the effects of aging on male hormone levels ever since.
Symptoms
The symptoms of male menopause are not as overwhelming as the wholesale changes women experience, and male menopause does not affect all men. Approximately 40% of men in their 40s, 50s and 60s will experience some degree of lethargy, depression, increased irritability, mood swings, and difficulty in attaining and sustaining erections that characterize male menopause. For these individuals, such unanticipated physical and psychological changes can be cause for concern or even crisis. Without an understanding partner, these problems may result in a powerful combination of anxieties and doubts, which can lead to total impotence and sexual frustration. A recent aging study surveyed 1700 middle-aged men from the greater Boston area. According to their reports, 51% of normal, healthy males age 40 to 70 experience some degree of impotence - defined as a persistent problem attaining and maintaining an erection rigid enough for sexual intercourse. This problem cannot be attributed to the aging process alone, however, because well over 40% of males remain sexually active at 70 years of age and beyond.
CAUSES
Although the causes of male menopause have not been fully researched, some factors that are known to contribute to this condition are hormone deficiencies, excessive alcohol consumption, smoking, hypertension, prescription and non-prescription medications, poor diet, lack of exercise, poor circulation, and psychological problems. The few doctors who profess to be experts in this area have widely divergent opinions. However, all of the experts do agree that a general decline in male potency at mid-life can be expected in a significant proportion of the male population.
TESTOSTERONE
Many endocrinologists and scientists who have pioneered hormone studies say the phenomenon of male menopause correlates with a decline in testosterone levels. Testosterone is the hormone that stimulates sexual development in the male infant, bone and muscle growth in man and is responsible for sexual drive. Dr. Karpas and other experts have found that even in healthy men, by the age of 55, the amount of testosterone secreted into the bloodstream is significantly lower than it was just ten years before. In fact, by age 80, most male hormone levels have decreased to pre-puberty levels. Low testosterone has been found to cause fatigue, depression, loss of concentration, as well as decreased muscle strength and endurance. Testosterone is more important in libido or sex drive than in the erectile mechanism. Men with low testosterone levels will have problems with erections.
HEART DISEASE
Despite the apparent correlation between decreasing hormone levels and decreasing virility, many urologists question the importance of hormones. After examining the results of an aging study, one of the study's principal investigators questioned the evidence of a relationship between a mild deficiency of testosterone and impotence. Other conditions such as obesity, hypertension, smoking, and high cholesterol - all of which are factors contributing to heart disease are also known to contribute to impotence. Impotence is often primarily a vascular problem resulting in a loss of elasticity in the arteries - a condition causing poor circulation and impairing blood flow. Healthy circulation and blood flow are necessary to maintain an erection. The aging study bears out this thesis. Nearly two-thirds of 40 year old men diagnosed with heart disease exhibited at least moderate impotence.
DRUGS
A wide variety of drugs have also been shown to increase the probability of impotence. While a very small amount of alcohol may not impair sexual performance for most men, alcohol in general can create problems for men of middle age and beyond. The immediate effect of alcohol to increase vasodilatation which makes it more difficult for the body to send blood to the penile tissues. The long term effects of excessive alcohol use are more dangerous. Tissue samples from patients with chronic alcoholism (10 or 15 years of heavy drinking) demonstrate that prolonged alcohol abuse causes irreversible damage to the nerves inside the penis.
As devastating as alcohol can be, many doctors cite smoking as the major cause of male sexual dysfunction. In addition to its other detrimental effects, smoking also damages the tiny blood vessels in the penis that must enlarge to accept the substantial onrush of blood during an erection.
Hypertension and the medications for hypertension (beta blockers) also significantly increase the chances of impotence. A patient may have to try several different drugs before finding one that controls blood pressure but does not affect potency. Other prescription and non-prescription medications that increase the incidence of impotence include but are not limited to antidepressants, especially Prozac and Zoloft, diuretics, antihistamines, antispasmodics, digestive medicines and cold and flu remedies.
DIET AND EXERCISE
The importance of proper diet and regular exercise cannot be discounted. The aging study produced the first evidence that cholesterol level is related to impotence. In fact, high levels of HDL (the "good" cholesterol) were significantly associated with reduced levels of impotence. A healthy diet low in saturated fat and sugars, coupled with regular exercise has been shown to play a significant role in lowering cholesterol levels, maintaining testosterone levels, increasing libido and boosting self image. In fact, throughout the life cycle, men who exercise regularly report greater sexual drives and greater sexual satisfaction than sedentary men.
DIAGNOSING IMPOTENCE
In case where impotence has been diagnosed, it is important to determine whether the cause is principally physical or psychological. One reliable test is to check nocturnal penile tumescence - the number and quality of erections that occur while the patient is asleep. If the results are within the normal range for men of a certain age, it can be hypothesized that the problems are not physical, but psychological, and the appropriate treatment programs can be begun.
If the results of nocturnal penile tumescence testing indicate a physical problem, then another test which determines penile blood pressure may be used. In this test, a cuff is supplied around the penis to determine the penile blood pressure, which should be the same as the blood pressure throughout the body. If the penile blood pressure is lower than expected, the cause of the impotence may be a vascular problem.
POSSIBLE REMEDIES
Usually there is more than one explanation or cure for the phenomenon known as male menopause. Aging, hormones and overall physical and mental well-being all factor into the condition. Many doctors agree that if a man has an understanding partner, monitors his medications, alcohol intake and eating habits, stops smoking, and improves the health of his vascular system through aerobic workouts, he will almost certainly see an improvement in his overall wellness and sexual potency.
In cases where specialized treatment is needed, new findings from English studies suggest that men can improve in sexual function, muscle strength, and general well-being if they are treated with supplements to bring their testosterone levels into a high - normal range. Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) is now regarded by many physicians as the future of preventative medicine for both men and women in the second half of life. In fact, the National Institute of Health recently asked for research proposals to investigate whether testosterone supplemen- tation might benefit older men by preventing bone loss, depression and other symptoms associated with aging.
Currently there are several methods of testosterone supplementation including shots, implants and a transdermal patch. If injections are indicated, they should be administered at least every two weeks to ensure that testosterone blood levels are constant throughout the treatment. Another option is testosterone implants which are surgically placed behind the gluteus muscle in order to release a steady level of testosterone into the bloodstream. An even newer treatment is the transdermal patch. This patch is placed on the scrotum, and the patient must shave the area where the patch will be affixed and apply a new patch daily. All of these treatments boost testosterone levels in the blood to therapeutic levels, and the patient must determine with the help of his doctor which is the best for him. Unfortunately, testosterone is not particularly effective in treating erectile dysfunction (impotence).
In the past, effective treatments for impotence included vacumn pumps, injections of medications (Caverjet) into the base of the penis, and prosthetic implants. A number of newer medications have become available in the last several years including:
Alprostadil (Muse)-- a pellet placed within the urethra (the passage in the penis where urine comes out)
Sildenafil (Viagra)--an oral tablet which doses not cause an erection but enhances one.
New oral compounds in late stage clinical development include apomorphine and phentolamine (Vasomax). There are also topical creams, sublingual tablets, other intraurethral tablets, and injections being studied at this time.
Testosterone And The Aging Male by Anthony Karpas, M.D., originally published in Atlanta Medicine, Spring, 2001
Men reach ages once thought unattainable. They have sought, since Ponce de Leon got lost in the swamps of Florida, to reverse effects of normal aging. Testosterone production in men starts at puberty. Unlike women, there is no abrupt cutoff of hormone production at midlife. The decline is more gradual. Testosterone is a pulsatile hormone under the control of LH or luteinizing hormone produced by the pituitary gland. As men age, the testis may become less responsive to the LH pulses. Older healthy men have been shown to have less diurnal variation in testosterone levels than their younger counterparts. The nocturnal surge, which typically doubles the testosterone concentration in the early hours, diminishes by age 60. Pituitary production of LH also declines with aging. We did a study to ascertain the pituitary output of aged castrated rats. The young animals had vigorous LH pulses, middle-aged animals had lower amplitude pulses, while extremely old animals had severe declines in both pulse amplitude and frequency. Studies have been done in older men showing a diminished response to LHRH, the LH precursor given intravenously. While there is not a major difference between testosterone levels of healthy younger and older men at midday, total 24-hour production diminishes with aging.
Many other factors affect testosterone levels. Alcohol directly inhibits the Sertoli cell’s testosterone production and increases estrogen conversion in the liver. This results in pituitary suppression of testosterone production. The high levels of estrogen in chronic alcoholics can cause such feminizing effects as gynaecomastia and loss of body hair. Chronic illness such as congestive heart failure, C.O.P.D., H.I.V., renal failure and severe metabolic diseases can result in extremely low testosterone levels. Another common disorder that is frequently missed is sleep apnoea. Patients present with sluggishness, fatigue, impotence and weight gain. Both testosterone and LH levels are low. A sleep study will differentiate sleep apnoea from pituitary disease. Levels usually return to normal once therapy is initiated.
Erectile Function: The role of testosterone in men is debated. It is clear that testosterone is necessary for puberty to take place. There is an obvious role for testosterone in fertility maintenance. High intra-testicular testosterone concentrations are required for sperm production. Since testosterone is produced in the testis, levels are much higher than in the serum. The presence of some FSH secretion from the pituitary is required. Reasonable fertility has been maintained at low levels of serum testosterone as long as pituitary function is adequate.
While testosterone is important for libido, its role in achieving and maintaining erections is less certain. Low levels are not incompatible with sexual function since even young boys have frequent erections. The physiology of erectile function is complex. Stroking of the upper thigh or penis or a full bladder causes the erectile reflex. This is maintained in men who have had transection of the spinal cord. Obviously, cortical control causes erections during sexual fantasies. It is possible to separate the cortical component from the spinal reflex. Interestingly, syphilis causes loss of the reflex component while the fantasy effect is maintained. Testosterone is required for both since castration will prevent erectile function. When the tissue has not been exposed to hormones for a prolonged period, it is very sensitive. Even low serum levels may initiate erections in hypogonadal men and prepubertal boys.
Testosterone is important for prostatic secretion and semen production. Sensation and pressure in the prostate is a factor in erectile function. This may explain why some men cannot have a second erection after sex. Volume expansion of blood vessels in the corpus cavernosum is the mechanism by which erection occurs. Increase in arterial and arteriolar pressure is the major factor. Venous congestion may occur but it is not, as previously thought, the major mechanism. Since arteriolar diseases, such as atherosclerosis, will adversely affect function, cardiovascular disease may present with impotence as the initial symptom. Diabetes causes destruction of the spinal autonomic reflex pathways as well as vascular problems. In order to completely evaluate impotence, Doppler pressure studies may be required. Many devices have been used to try and measure erectile frequency and quality.
For many years, it had been assumed that loss of erectile function was mainly psychological and much time was spent trying to determine the cause of the problem. We now know it is 90% physiological. Uses of devices such as vacuum pumps are effective but unwieldy. Herbal products such as yohimbe are aggressively marketed on the Internet and through health food stores. Intracavernosal injections with alprostadil (Caverjet®), papaverine and regitine in various combinations are effective and are still used as a test of vascular function. Intra-urethral alprostadil (Muse®) is occasionally helpful. Sildenafil (Viagra®) created a revolution in the perception of male sexual dysfunction. The medications increase blood vessel nitrous oxide production. Even if arterial pressure is low or if there is nerve damage from diabetes, the increased sensitivity allows the blood vessels to dilate. Low testosterone is an important cause of impotence due to its effect on libido, as well as the sensitization of the nerve and muscle pathways. Testosterone needs to be measured as part of the assessment of impotence and needs to be replaced if low. However, since impotence is a multi-factorial disorder, testosterone rarely is the entire solution to the problem. The addition of sildenafil and other similar drugs still under investigation have increased treatment choices. When modern medications fail, older treatment methods such as vacuum pumps and surgical penile implants remain effective.
Effects Of Testosterone: Testosterone does increase and maintain muscle mass and the absence of testosterone causes a loss of strength and muscle bulk. Although treatment with testosterone in hypogonadal men decreases body fat and improves endurance and athletic performance, supplemental testosterone within physiologically normal levels does not cause major improvements in normal men.
The well-known anabolic effects occur at blood levels vastly in excess of physiologic replacement. Anabolic steroids are 10-50 times more potent than testosterone. Anabolic steroid abuse is obvious among wrestlers and other sports figures on primetime national T.V and media. On the other hand, anabolic steroids may be quite beneficial in wasting disorders such as cancer and AIDS. Testosterone-deficient men complain of lethargy, lack of motivation, poor concentration, depression and low libido. On the other hand, men with high testosterone levels may exhibit more aggressive behavior. Some patients complain of irritability immediately following an injection where levels are high. Most men experience a sense of well being when levels are adequate. Testosterone seems to improve focus and concentration according to the studies of Dr Jim Dabbs, a noted psychologist.
For many years, testosterone therapy was considered potentially harmful. Concerns were raised over its effect on heart disease, lipid disorders, prostate cancer and liver disorders. Studies results have not supported this concern. A recent study, in fact, reported that men with lower testosterone levels were more likely to get heart disease. While prostate cancer is sensitive to testosterone, testosterone has not been shown to be a direct cause. No adverse lipid changes have been shown to occur with parentally administered testosterone. Oral methyl-testosterone is associated with liver enzyme abnormalities and lipid disorders. High levels of testosterone will cause polycythaemia.
Men who are low in testosterone are at risk for osteoporosis. One third of all hip fractures occur in men. The effects of these fractures are more severe than in women because they tend to occur in older, taller men whose fractures are more severe. The effect of testosterone on bone is both direct as well as mediated through estrogen. Men who lack the ability to aromatize testosterone into estrogen have been found to have severe osteoporosis. Estrogen may play other roles in men. Older men are noted to have higher conversion rates of testosterone to estrogen and subsequently higher estrogen levels. In fact, sixty-year-old men have higher estrogen levels than 60-year-old women. This may help to explain the surprising finding that men with higher testosterone levels have lower heart attack rates.
Diagnosis Of Testosterone Deficiency: Testosterone levels fall with aging. The problem is that not all men are symptomatic and not all men have a need for treatment. A recent consensus conference tried to define who were candidates for therapy. Testosterone levels in young men are probably normal above 400. Any level above this is normal. Older men may have levels as low as 280 and not be symptomatic. A level of less than 200 is definitely low and needs further evaluation. Free testosterone levels may be helpful as sex hormone binding protein goes up with age. LH and FSH levels, if elevated, may suggest primary testicular failure. When they are low and testosterone is below 200, a pituitary tumor should be considered. Elevated prolactin increases suspicion of a tumor and should be measured. A pituitary MRI should be done in this situation. Pituitary depression due to acute disease should be obvious but chronic severe disease such as severe sleep apnoea, AIDS, COPD, renal and hepatic failure can cause severe depression of testosterone levels and should be ruled out. Another less obvious cause of low testosterone levels is recent previous use which suppresses pituitary hormone stimulation.
The primary reason to diagnose and treat male patients is often made on clinical grounds. The most common complaint is impotence. On further questioning, the problem often is not a problem with achieving an erection but a lack of desire. Inability to sustain or achieve an erection is more likely a vascular problem. While lethargy, depression and lack of concentration are common findings, loss of muscle mass and strength may also present. Increased body fat can be a complaint. Clinical exam may reveal some loss of pubic hair, gynaecomastia and soft or shrunken testes. Depending on the duration of the problem the prostate may be either reduced, if the problem was of long duration, or enlarged, if the problem was recent. Cluster headaches have also been associated with testosterone deficiency. Testosterone therapy should be instituted if levels are below 280ng/ml and considered if levels are below 400ng/ml. The physician should check PSA levels and the prostate digital examination before treatment as well as 3 and 6 months after the onset of therapy. An increase in PSA of more than 1.5 from baseline should be regarded as suspicious and prompt a urological investigation. CBC levels should also be measured every six months since polycythaemia is a common side effect of therapy. Bone density testing should be done on men who have low levels since they are at increased risk of osteoporosis.
Treatment: Testosterone depot injections 200mg/ml 1cc every 10-to14 days will usually result in a high physiologic blood level. Testosterone patches (Androderm® or Testoderm® ) 5mg/day will also bring levels into an acceptable ranges. A new therapy, Androgel ® 5mg cream, is currently available and achieves physiological testosterone levels if applied regularly once a day and allowed to dry. Testosterone subdermal pellets are inserted every 4-6 months and also give very consistent levels. Clomiphene (Clomid®) 25mg works well for men with pituitary disorders and raises testosterone into the mid physiologic range. Men still desiring fertility may benefit from shots of HCG 2500u twice weekly if Clomid® is ineffective.
Readings
American Association of Clinical Endocrinology, Guidelines on Testosterone Replacement Therapy
Dabbs, James. Heroes Rogues and Lovers, Testosterone and Behavior, McGraw Hill, 2000.
Mayo Clinic Proceedings: Symposium Testosterone Replacement in Elderly Men, Jan. 2000.
Swerloff,, E., ed . Endocrine Society Annual Consensus Meeting. April 2000.
There are a number of different meanings for the word impotence or erectile dysfunction. For the purpose of this discussion, impotence shall be defined as "the inability to have or sustain and erection long enough to have meaningful (within reason) sexual intercourse." Impotence is often primarily a vascular problem resulting in a loss of elasticity in the arteries - a condition causing poor circulation and impairing blood flow. Healthy circulation and blood flow are necessary to maintain an erection. There are several forms of impotence:
Organic erectile dysfunction: This tends to occur gradually until the male never has night time or early morning erections.
Psychogenic impotence: This tends to occur suddenly but the male continues to have spontaneous erections at night or in the early morning (often associated with a full bladder).
Partial erectile dysfunction: Where the male will develop an erection but it either goes away prior to intercourse or is so flaccid that successful intercourse does not occur
Facts
50% of men in their 80s and 90s experience night time and morning erections
50% of men age 70 are still sexually active
51% of normal, healthy males age 40 to 70 experience some degree of impotence - defined as a persistent problem attaining and maintaining an erection rigid enough for sexual intercourse.
Approximately 40% of men in their 40s, 50s and 60s will experience some degree of lethargy, depression, increased irritability, mood swings, and difficulty in attaining and sustaining erections that characterize male menopause.
Two-thirds of 40 year old men diagnosed with heart disease exhibited at least moderate impotence.
Tissue samples from patients with chronic alcoholism (10 or 15 years of heavy drinking) demonstrate that prolonged alcohol abuse causes irreversible damage to the nerves inside the penis.
Diagnosis
The diagnosis of largely based on a careful medical and psychological history. At times, measurement devices can be placed on the penis to determine if spontaneous night time erections occur and to compare the blood pressure within the penis with the blood pressure in an arm. Common causes for impotence need to be sought out including:
Medical Problems:
Diabetes
Vascular disease
Low testosterone levels
Other endocrine disorders such as an underactive thyroid
Poor habits
excessive alcohol use
smoking (causes microvascular disease)
obesity
lack of exercise
Medications
Anti-hypertensive medications such as diuretics and beta blockers
Anti-depressants-- both tricyclic antidepressants such as Elavil (imipramine) and the new SSRIs, particularly Prozac and Zoloft
Tranquilizers
Anti-histamines
Asthma medications such as ephedrine
Digestive medications such as Tagamet
Psychological problems
Stress
Depression
Fatigue from overwork
Marital Problems
History of Vasectomy
Treatment
The treatment for impotence is usually more complicated than one single approach. First, a distinction needs to be made between men with organic erectile dysfunction and those with so-called "psychogenic" impotence.
Men who never experience an erection because of vascular disease should be referred to a urological specialist. Caution should be taken with the use of medications which dilate blood vessels, such as Viagra, because men with advanced vascular disease in the penis probably have a similar condition in the heart and other tissues and are at great risk of major complications from drug use (such as a heart attack or stroke). Men who use nitroglycerin type medications for angina should be especially cautious and should consult with their cardiologists before strenuous sexual activity or the use of any sexual enhancing drug.
With respect to so-called "psychogenic impotence", it is rarely purely psychological. Aging, hormones and overall physical and mental well-being all factor into the condition. The psychological problems of the male mid-life crisis along with depression are also major contributing factors. Many doctors agree that if a man has an understanding partner, monitors his medications, alcohol intake and eating habits, stops smoking, and improves the health of his vascular system through aerobic workouts, he will almost certainly see an improvement in his overall wellness and sexual potency.
In cases where men have a depressed serum testosterone level (only 8-16% of men with impotence have low testosterone levels), specialized treatment is needed. New findings from English studies suggest that men can improve sexual function, muscle strength, and general well-being if they are treated with supplements to bring their testosterone levels into a high - normal range. Estrogen Replacement Therapy (ERT) is now almost universally accepted by physicians as the future of preventative medicine for women in the second half of life. Will Testosterone Replacement Therapy be far behind?
Currently there are several methods of testosterone supplementation including shots, implants and a transdermal patch. If injections are indicated, they should be administered at least every two weeks to ensure that testosterone blood levels are constant throughout the treatment. Another option is testosterone implants which are surgically placed behind the gluteus muscle in order to release a steady level of testosterone into the bloodstream. An even newer treatment is the transdermal patch (Testoderm). This patch is placed on the scrotum. Unfortunately, the patient must shave the area where the patch will be affixed and apply a new patch daily. Another transdermal patch (Androderm) has the advantage of being placed on the skin of the abdomen or back. All of these treatments boost testosterone levels in the blood to therapeutic levels, and the patient must determine with the help of his doctor which is the best for him. Unfortunately, testosterone is not particularly effective in treating erectile dysfunction (impotence) except in instances of markedly depressed testosterone levels. Even eunuchs from ancient times who were castrated after puberty were capable of maintaining erections. It was a custom in ancient Rome that women would use more potent eunuchs for pleasure without the risk of procreation (Carruthers, 1997).
In the past, effective treatments for impotence included vacuum pumps, injections of medications (Papaverine, Caverjet) into the base of the penis, and prosthetic implants. A number of newer medications have become available in the last several years including:
Alprostadil (Muse)-- a pellet placed within the urethra (the passage in the penis where urine comes out)
Sildenafil (Viagra)--an oral tablet which doses not cause an erection but enhances one. This should be used very cautiously in men with vascular disease.
New oral compounds in late stage clinical development include apomorphine and phentolamine (Vasomax). There are also topical creams, sublingual tablets, other intraurethral tablets, and injections being studied at this time.
Drs. Caroline Dott and Andrew Dott are professional lecturers and teachers with a special interest in the interactions between the biological and psychological basis of human behavior at midlife. Among their lecture topics are female and male menopause, the hormonal basis of human behavior, and issues related to depression and anxiety. They are available to travel and give seminars on the topics covered in this website both nationally and internationally.
Many developmental theorists now feel that men continue to change, psychologically, during their adult life. In a sense, men experience two or even three adulthoods. The first extends from the end of puberty until the forties. Than many men experience "the midlife crisis" or the "Corvette syndrome" or a psychological "male menopause". This can become a very difficult period of transition for men and women which, if successfully resolved, leads into a man's second adulthood. Among contemporary writers who discuss this transition is Jed Diamond in his book Male Menopause and Gail Sheehy who wrote Understanding Men's Passages. These are excellent references for couples struggling with these changes.
The first question is whether men have always been this way or whether this behavior has been precipitated by the profound changes in the roles of men and women which have occurred in the 20th century. Another issue is that these changes in the relationships between men and women, which started around the time of the Second World War when women first moved into the work place in large numbers has undergone another profound change in the 1970s and 1980s as the roles of men and women in the workplace have been equalized. No longer is the man the sole provider for this family or the provider who is assisted by his wife, but now they are joint providers and many American families are now experiencing the situation where the woman is the dominant provider. The men and women who come from the generation of this last change are just entering their mid-forties now so there really have been no experience with the passage of these couples through their "midlife crisis". This chapter will unfold in the next decade.
So what happens to men. Some men experience a true biological menopause like women do. This is called viropause or andropause and will be discussed in another article. Most men however experience a developmental change in their psyche as they reach a point in their lives where the need to fulfill the traditional roles of achieving power, wealth, success, fame is resolved, either through success or failure or simply being tired. While the relationships of early adulthood between the sexes has been traditionally one of separation and marked differences because the woman is tied up with her children and home and the man with work, things change and the roles of men and women often tend to converge and even cross over so that the role of the man and women are quite different in late adulthood. Many men in their fifties develop a nurturing, artistic and expressive self while many women of the same age become more assertive, focused, and political. Gail Sheehy refers to this as "the sexual diamond". There is even some data coming from research in the neurosciences which suggest that the right side of the brain (which regulates logic, orderly thinking and cognitive type skills) is larger than the left side of the brain (which regulates feelings, sensitivity, and artistic qualities) in young men but as the man ages, the sizes become equal. On the other hand, in women, the two sides are equal in young adulthood but then the right side increases with aging. Of course this data is very preliminary.
What precipitates the male midlife crisis? In the simplest terms, a man begins to feel that there is something else in life other than where he is. Men either feel they have progressed as far as they can with whatever their life script is or a crisis is precipitated by a sudden change which makes a man feel obsolete, vulnerable, unsure or not competent. Typical events can include:
Loss or Downsizing of a Job
Separation and/or Divorce
A Health Crisis
Death or Illness of a Peer or Family Member
Children Leaving Home
Displacement by a Younger Male
Becoming a Grandparent
Experiencing Erectile Failure Twice in a Row
The most typical response of the male to this is depression which, in the male, is often expressed differently from symptoms which are classically attributed to depression. As a result, it is commonly not recognized. See the article on Depression in Men for a more thorough discussion about the differences between male and female depression.
Drs. Caroline Dott and Andrew Dott are professional lecturers and teachers with a special interest in the interactions between the biological and psychological basis of human behavior at midlife. Among their lecture topics are female and male menopause, the hormonal basis of human behavior, and issues related to depression and anxiety. They are available to travel and give seminars on the topics covered in this website both nationally and internationally.
Depression in Men--Its Different! by Caroline Dott, Ph.D., L.C.S.W. and Andrew B. Dott, M.D., M.P.H., originally published in Atlanta Medicine, Spring, 2001.
Willy Loman in Death of a Salesman exemplifies the quintessential depressed midlife man whose inner rage at his life prompts tumultuous actions resulting in self-destruction. How many men unconsciously replicate Faust’s “contract with the Devil” in their 20's, only to find that the “ole Devil” has gotten the best of them by their mid-40's? What do these characters from great literature have in common?
Scope of the Problem. Depression is one of the most common responses of men to “Male Menopause.” Midlife men often do not see themselves in the mirror of major depressive responses which include persistent sad moods, diminished ability to think or concentrate, feeling worthless, sleeping too much, low energy, significant weight loss or gain, loss of pleasure in activities, and recurrent thoughts of death. Approximately 40% of men in the forty to sixty midlife age ranges will experience some degree of depression. Whereas men complete 20% of all suicides in the United States, the suicide rate triples in midlife men and increases seven times in men over age 65. Having a history of depression makes the risk of suicide 78 times greater. The proper recognition and diagnosis of depression can take up to ten years and three or more healthcare professionals. Even though 80-90% of people seeking help for depression obtain relief, 60-80% of depressed adults never receive available professional help (Diamond, 1998).
What contributes to depression in men at midlife? To answer this question, the incidences of physical, emotional, and spiritual challenges either already present, or that appears at midlife, needs to be addressed. Depression may be a reaction to acute or chronic illness such as cancer, heart disease, or HIV. There are a number of physiological imbalances—especially endocrine and metabolic disorders, that can be accompanied by depression. Sub optimal nutrition can reinforce and worsen a depressive state. The depressive effects of alcohol on the body and psyche are well known. In general, because depression negatively impacts the immune system, its unrecognized and untreated presence contributes to compromised health overall. Finally, occupational and environmental pollutants may result in compromised energy resources that can contribute to or cause depression. As an example, while changes in the functioning of the thyroid gland are far more common in midlife women than in men at midlife, the decreased hormone output of the thyroid gland, or hypothyroidism, is often accompanied by depression. Men may mask real depression connected with low thyroid functioning by presenting with,” I’m tired, exhausted and can’t function the way I used to” (Arem, 1999, p. 20). Adjusting to these feelings and struggling to appear normal to avoid the cultural stigma placed on emotional conditions, men may deny and dismiss their own symptoms and inner pain, not seeking professional help. Men and doctors may miss a correct diagnosis of malfunctioning thyroid by focusing on and treating resulting physical symptoms rather than diagnosing the underlying thyroid disease.
Other hormone changes such as a decrease in testosterone, the “male hormone,” DHEA, or insulin may result in the neurochemically-based feeling of depression. Psychologist James Dabbs (Dabbs & Dabbs, 2000) found that his own testosterone level was lower when he was depressed and higher when he was optimistic. Endocrinologists have found that low testosterone results in lowered energy and reduced sexual activity. There is some evidence (Steiger, et al, 1991) that very low levels of testosterone may be associated with clinical depression, although this is controversial. Most studies to date do not confirm this finding (Rubin et al., 1989).
Testosterone interacts with other hormones such as cortisol, serotonin, and prolactin, which moderate the effects of testosterone. Cortisol lowers testosterone in men (Cumming et al, 1983). Released in stressful situations, cortisol contributes to the body’s fight-or-flight response by providing energy to help one deal with emergencies. Men who are chronically high in cortisol and low in testosterone are not particularly aggressive or likely to confront others. Instead, they tend to be less friendly and cheerful than other men with low testosterone with an increase in anxiety related to high cortisol levels (p. 167).
Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that affects the brain and behavior by stimulating a pleasant outlook. Elevated levels of serotonin tend to produce calmness, confidence, lowered irritability, increased optimism, less impulsivity, and increased pleasantness. Studies show that high-serotonin male vervet monkeys are dominant and calm whereas high-testosterone male vervet monkeys are dominant and more aggressive. An uncommon spate of other physiological changes in midlife men may contribute to feelings of depression. Thus, men can optimize their own health and continuous normal functioning by seeking informed professional help immediately for distressing symptoms rather than adjusting to and doing nothing about them.
Normal Male Psychological Development. Psychological and emotional stressors are the largest contributors to depression in midlife men. In order to understand these challenges, we need to know normal male psychological development. Daniel Levinson, in his enlightening book The Seasons of a Man’s Life, outlines male adult developmental stages. During the major life phases of adolescence and young adulthood, life structures are built, defining choices are made, and goals and values are pursued within that structure. Following each major life phase is a transition period of 4 to 5 years when a man completes existing life tasks and creates new opportunities for growth and development.
In the pre-midlife stage of Adulthood, men achieve the life goal of “Becoming a Man.” This formidable accomplishment includes speaking with their own voice; becoming a senior, authoritative member in their world; and carrying the burden of increasing responsibility and its accompanying stress. These achievements lead to fulfilling their “Dream.” At midlife, a man must terminate Early Adulthood. Perhaps the most significant task is discovering who he really is--not the “self” of social, business/professional or family expectations.
What are the primary tasks of every transition period?
1. Questioning and reappraising existing life structures,
2. Exploring various options for change in oneself and in one’s surrounding environments,
3. Moving toward a commitment to defining choices that form the basis for a new life structure in the next major life phase.
For most men, this transition period evokes tumultuous struggles within the self and with their external world leading to moderate to severe crises. Men question every aspect of their life, often experiencing some sense of horror at what they discover. They blame themselves and others severely for their life situation. Realizing they cannot continue as before, they require time either to choose a new path or to modify the old one. A man may begin to change the unacceptable parts of his existing life structure, entering a time of confusion, experimentation and, inevitably, some mistakes. Thus, in some ways, the midlife transition mirrors the earlier stage of adolescence.
What are the common events that precipitate men entering into midlife? These events fall into three major categories--personal, family, and occupational. In the personal realm, a man may experience some health crisis, separation or divorce, or experience erectile failure twice in a row. Family events include the death or illness of a family member or peer, children leaving or returning home, or becoming a grandparent. Occupationally, he may be the unwilling victim of involuntary retirement, non-advancement or of being displaced by a younger male. That old culprit, stress, accumulating in midlife men who are also in their peak years of responsibility, productivity, and financial output, may stimulate panic, anxiety or depression. Stress, vascular disease, normal aging, and/or lowered testosterone levels can lead to compromised erectile functioning. Approximately 40% of men between the ages of forty and sixty will experience some degree of difficulty in attaining and sustaining an erection. Closely associated responses include lethargy, depression, increased irritability, and mood swings. Many men may develop a reactive depression secondary to issues relating to loss of virility and sexual identity.
Each of these major events can stimulate emotional reactions involving varying degrees of personal pain. Changes in any one or all major life areas may result in feelings of loss of power and self-esteem, questioning virility and personal desirability, and performance or global anxiety and/or depression which frequently occur together.
Why don’t we recognize depression in men? The signs and symptoms of depression in men commonly are not recognized for several reasons:
1. The behavioral expression of depression in men is often quite different from the classic symptoms people in our culture define as “depressed.”
2. Men in our culture often are not aware when they are depressed because of the association with being “weak” when men are taught to “be strong.”
3. Men do not allow themselves to admit to themselves that they are having a problem with sexual expression and do not understand its relationship to depression.
4. The behavioral expression of male depression is not familiar to family members or healthcare providers who do not recognize it.
Depression Looks Different in Men and Women. Empirically and anecdotally, women generally turn inward when they are depressed, whereas men are more likely to act out their unrecognized and denied feelings of depression. Jed Diamond, PhD, in his book, Male Menopause (1998), details the differences between men’s and women’s expression of depression (Table 1).
Table 1: Differences between Male and Female Depression

Depression Male Depression
Blame themselves Blame others
Feel sad, apathetic, worthless Feel angry, irritable
Feel anxious, scared Feel suspicious, guarded
Avoid conflict at all costs Create conflict
Always try to be nice Overtly or covertly hostile
Withdraw when feeling hurt Attack when feeling hurt
Have little self-respect Demand respect from others
Feel they were born to fail Feel the world set them up to fail
Slowed down and nervous Restless and agitated
Chronic procrastinator Compulsive time keeper
Sleep too much Sleep too little
Trouble setting boundaries Control everything, everybody
Feel guilty for everything Feel ashamed for who they are
Uncomfortable receiving praise Frustrated if not praised enough
Easily talk about weaknesses, doubts Terrified to admit weaknesses, doubts
Strong fear of success Strong fear of failure
Need to "blend in" to feel safe Need to be "top dog" to feel safe
Use food, friends, and "love" to self-medicate Use alcohol, TV, sports, and sex to self-medicate
Believe their problems could be solved only if they could be a better spouse, co-worker, parent, friend Believe their problems could be solved only if their spouse, co-worker, parent, friend would treat them better
Constantly wonder, "Am I loveable enough? Constantly think, "I’m not getting enough love”

Adapted from Male Menopause by Jed Diamond, PhD, Naperville, Ill: Sourcebooks, Inc., 1998.
The most striking overall difference between the ways women and men handle depression can be described best as polar opposite behaviors. For example, one common emotion that underlies depression in both men and women is anger. Women usually hold in their anger and this negative energy lodges inside the body down to the cellular level, depressing the whole system. Men, on the other hand, more often express their unrecognized inner feelings of depression by showing increasing impatience, irritability, hostility and anger toward those with whom they are closest emotionally, and often toward others as well.
What Can Men Do About Their Depression? Unfortunately, because most men do not recognize that they are depressed or because they deny it, there is little they do to seek help. If and when their own inner pain finally becomes unbearable, they may inadvertently and, at times, impulsively “try out” some new behaviors in a desperate and misdirected attempt to rid themselves of inescapable and painful situations. These often unconscious attempts at “fixing” an ill-defined and often-denied painful state may result in behaviors which are self-destructive and destructive to those closest to them---thus we have the full blown “midlife crisis.” In actuality, it is not necessarily the stage of midlife that creates the crisis for the man but his response to his own midlife stress and confusion.
Often we receive questions on our website, www.midlife-passages.com, from distressed women who wonder what is happening to their partner. For example:
“My husband has just separated from me after 22 years of marriage. I don’t know what happened but he has changed overnight. He says he loves me but he doesn’t want to live with me any more. Our friends and our children are angry with him because they think he is acting crazy. I am hurt, confused and don’t know what to do. I still love him. Please help!! “
Without further information, we cannot make a definite determination about the underlying cause of this man’s distress, but this type of situation is described frequently enough on our website. We can speculate that this man may be feeling depressed, may not recognize it or may deny it, and is handling it in the only way his current repertoire of coping mechanisms allows him--i.e., to “escape” the situation which generally is not a viable solution. This is an example of the way in which some men are not aware of the reasons for their depression and may react impulsively rather than create thoughtful, proactive solutions. Lack of awareness is a common emotional defense in many men.
Why is this defense so common in men? In the emotional realm, men often do not want to face the fact that they need to “fix” something about themselves that feels threatening or painful. They can avoid the whole uncomfortable “fixing” process by denying that they have a “problem.” Thus, most men seek help only when pressured to do so by significant people in their life who recognize that they are struggling and in distress.
Men can be helped or help themselves through a variety of approaches. Through loving, gentle encouragement, a partner can help a man begin to realize he needs help in identifying the major stressors in his life. The partner can take the lead in rallying support for him from family members, friends, and co-workers who can assist him to modify the situations and environments that are stress provoking. A partner can assist him in determining how to modify what he provides for family members, emphasizing his increasing need for better self-care while still addressing family members’ needs.
Other time-honored and effective methods for achieving and maintaining harmony and balance in a man’s life include:
1. Having a thorough medical evaluation
2. Exercising regularly
3. Starting an individualized nutritional program
4. Learning to love and accept themselves for whom they are
5. Recreating close social supports they have lost and/or learning to create closeness and intimacy they never had
6. Growing spiritually
7. Engaging in individual and/or group psychotherapy or support groups
8. Taking appropriate medications and/or hormones
How effective is exercise in reducing depression? We know that people who exercise tend to be less depressed than those who do not exercise (Goleman & Gurin, 1993). What we do not know is whether the primary stimulus that differentiates more depressed from less depressed people is the exercise or the depression. By itself, exercise is unlikely to help a man with long-term depression or an acute severely depressive episode. There is evidence that exercise is an effective adjunct for moderate types of depression that still require professional help.
Two different studies (Griest et al., 1979; Schwartz et al., 1978) investigated the differential benefits of exercise, time-limited or long-term psychotherapy, and meditation training. Results indicated that exercise is similar to or better than standard medical treatment for moderate depression. Other studies show that exercise is ameliorative for mild, transient forms of depression experienced at times by most people. Mild depression may include acute feelings of sadness, discouragement, and self-deprecation. Probably, the effect of an integrated approach of both psychology and physiology determines how exercise benefits mood.
What if the man does know he is suffering, is depressed or is in pain? What can he do to help himself? He needs to have the courage to share his vulnerabilities with his partner, family, and close friends, asking for their understanding and support. He must do whatever he needs to do to take care of his distress, including seeking outside professional help. Hopefully in time, those closest to him will hear his distress and assist him in his recovery.
Medications: Excellent antidepressant medications are available. No one medication is perfect and it is very important to choose and monitor therapy carefully. These medications include:
1. Tricyclic Antidepressants (TCAs)—amitriptyline (Elavil®), desipramine (Norpramin®), doxepin (Sinequan®), protriptyline (Vivactil®) etc. These are generic and cheap but have side effects including sedation, dry mouth, and urinary retention.
2. SSRIs—fluoxetine (Prozac®), sertraline (Zoloft®), citalopram (Celexa®), paroxetine (Paxil®), and fluvoxamine (Luvox®)-- the drugs of choice in the 1990s. They eliminate virtually all the side effects of TCAs but they are not perfect. Each medication has a slightly different profile of side effects so it may be necessary to try several different preparations to obtain the optimal response. One of the most common side effects of this class of medications is sexual dysfunction (Table 2)
Table 2: Reported incidence of Sexually Related Side Effects in Men with Common Anti-Depressants (PDR-2001) (Reported vs. Control)
Abnormal Ejaculation Decreased Libido Impotence
Prozac 7% >1% 4% 0% 2% >1%
Zoloft 14 1 6 1 N.A.
Paxil 13 0 3 1 10 0
Celexa 6.1 1 3.8 1 2.8 1
Wellbutrin No data 3.1 1.6 3.4 3.1
Effexor 17 1 6 2 6 1
Serzone >1 1 >1 >1
Luvox 8 1 2 1 2 1
Compiled from the Physicians Desk Reference (PDR-2001), 55th ed., Montvale, N.J.: Medical Economics, 2001.
3. Reported incidence of sexual problems is as high as 17%. Obviously these medications would be a poor choice for a male in mid-life crisis who is obsessing about inadequate sexual performance. These medications should be used cautiously when combined with weight reduction pills, agents used in smoking cessation such as buproprion (Zyban®), tryptophan, St. John's Wort and other serotonin-like agents.
4. Atypical Antidepressants— buproprion (Wellbutrin®), venlafaxine (Effexor®), and nefazodone (Serzone®). These act on the brain through the inhibition of both serotonin and norepinephrine uptake. Buproprion and nefazodone, in particular, have a lower incidence of sexual side effects. At this time, there is no one best agent for the pharmacological management of the unique issues associated with male depression at midlife.
5. Amphetamines and MAO Inhibitors--tranylcypromine (Parnate®) and phenelzine (Nardil®)-- these are dangerous and should be dispensed only by psychiatrists highly skilled in their use. They are rarely used today.
Ultimate recovery from midlife depression is possible with the working through of relevant issues, the loving support of partner, family, and friends and appropriate professional help. The courageous man who takes on this “last great dragon” gives himself and others the gift of his full passion, well-honed powers and mutual fulfillment.
References
Arem, Ridha, MD. The Thyroid Solution: A Mind-Body Program for Beating Depression and Regaining Your Emotional and Physical Health. New York: Ballantine Books, 1999.
Carruthers, Malcolm, MD. Maximizing Manhood: Beating the Male Menopause. Hammersmith, London: Harper/Collins, 1997.
Cumming, D. C., Quigley, M. E., and Yen, S. S. C. “Acute Suppression of circulating testosterone levels by cortisol in men,” Journal of Clinical Enocrinology and Metabolism, Vol. 57 (1983), pp. 671-673.)
Dabbs, J. M. and Dabbs, M. G. Heroes, Rogues, and Lovers: Testosterone and Behavior. New York: McGraw-Hill, 2000.
Diamond, Jed, PhD. Male Menopause. Napierville, Ill: Sourcebooks, Inc., 1998.
Diamond, Jed, PhD. Surviving Male Menopause: A Guide for Women and Men. Naperville, Ill: Sourcebooks, Inc., 2000.
Dym, Barry & Glenn, M. L. Couples--Exploring and Understanding the Cycles of Intimate Relationships. San Francisco: Harper/Collins, 1993.
Goleman, Daniel, PhD. Emotional Intelligence. New York: Bantam, 1996.
Goleman, Daniel, PhD, and Gurin, Joel (Eds.). Mind*Body Medicine: How To Use Your Mind For Better Health. New York: Consumer Reports Books, 1993.
Griest, J.H., Klein, M.H., Eischens, R.R., Faris, J., Gurman, A.S., & Morgan, W. P. “Running as a Treatment for Depression.” Comparative Psychiatry, 53(1979): pp. 20-41.
Hudson, F. M., PhD, & McLean, P. D., PhD. Life Launch: A Passionate Guide to the Rest of Your Life. Santa Barbara, CA. The Hudson Institute Press, 1995.
Levinson, Daniel. The Seasons of a Man’s Life. New York: Knopf, 1978.
Oppenheim, Michael, MD. The Man’s Health Book. New Jersey: Prentice-Hall, 1994.
Osherman, Samuel, PhD. Wrestling with Love: How Men Struggle with Intimacy. New York: Fawcett Columbine, 1992.
Osherman, Samuel, PhD. Finding our Fathers: How a Man’s Life is Shaped by His Relationship with His Father. New York: Fawcett Columbine, 1986.
Rubin, R. T., Poland, R. E., and Lesser, I. M. “Neuroendocrine Aspects of Primary Endogenous Depression VIII. Pituitary-Gonadal Axis Activity in Male Patients and Matched Control Subjects,” Psychoneuroendocrinology, Vol. 14 (1989), pp. 217-229.
Schwartz, G. E., Davidson, R. J., & Goleman, D. J. “Patterning of Cognitive and Somatic Processes in the Self-Regulation of Anxiety: Effects of Meditation Versus Exercise.” Psychosomatic Medicine, 40(1978); pp. 321-328.
Sheehy, Gail. Understanding Men’s Passages: Discovering the New Map of Men’s Lives. New York: Random House, 1998.
Steiger, A., von Bardeleben, U., Wiedemann, K., and Holsboer, F. “Sleep EEG and Nocturnal Secretion of Testosterone and Cortisol in Patients with Major Endogenous Depression During Acute Phase and after Remission,” Journal of Psychiatric Research, Vol.25 (1991), pp. 169-177.
Tatelbaum, Judy. The Courage to Grieve: Creative Living, Recovery, and Growth Through Grief. New York: Harper & Row, 1980.
Viorst, Judith. Necessary Losses. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1986.
Whitehead, E. Douglas, MD. Viagra: The Wonder Drug for Peak Performance. New York: Dell, 1999.
Keywords:symptoms,problems,problem,symptom,suicides,suicide,relationship,professionals, physicians,mental,menopause.,increased,health,family,fail,erections,disease,difficulty, consequences,classic,60s,50s,40s,lethargy,experience, depression, impotence, male, menopause, midlife, crisis, men, sexuality, infidelity, adultery, psychology, human, behavior, Atlanta, psychology, impotence, sex, irritability,moods, swing, sexual, frustration, alcohol, alcoholism, anti-depressants,behavior, human,hormone, testosterone, androgen
The most common problem associated with male menopause is depression which is closely related to impotence and problems with male sexuality. Approximately 40% of men in their 40s, 50s and 60s will experience some degree of difficulty in attaining and sustaining erections, lethargy, depression, increased irritability, and mood swings that characterize male menopause. The symptoms of depression in men are commonly not recognized for several reasons:
The symptoms of male depression are different than the classic symptoms we think of as depression
Men deny they have problems because they are supposed to "be strong"
Men deny they have a problem with their sexuality and don't understand the relationship with depression
The symptom cluster of male depression is not well known so family members, physicians, and mental health professionals fail to recognize it.
Male depression is a disease with devastating consequences. To paraphrase from Jed Diamond's book Male Menopause
80% of all suicides in the US are men
The male suicide rate at midlife is three times higher; for men over 65, seven times higher
The history of depression makes the risk of suicide seventy-eight times greater (Sweden)
20 million American will experience depression sometimes in their lifetime
60-80% of depressed adults never get professional help
It can take up to ten years and three health professionals to properly diagnose this disorder
80-90% of people seeking help get relief from their symptoms
Differences between Male and Female depression:
Men are more likely to act out their inner turmoil while women are more likely to turn their feelings inward. The following chart from Jed Diamond's book, Male Menopause, illustrates these differences.
Female depression Male depression
Blame themselves Feel others are to blame
Feel sad, apathetic, and worthless Feel angry, irritable, and ego inflated
Feel anxious and scared Feel suspicious and guarded
Avoids conflicts at all costs Creates conflicts
Always tries to be nice Overtly or covertly hostile
Withdraws when feeling hurt Attacks when feeling hurt
Has trouble with self respect Demands respect from other
Feels they were born to fail Feels the world set them up to fail
Slowed down and nervous Restless and agitated
Chronic procrastinator Compulsive time keeper
Sleeps too much Sleeps too little
Trouble setting boundaries Needs control at all costs
Feels guilty for what they do Feels ashamed for who they are
Uncomfortable receiving praise Frustrated if not praised enough
Finds it easy to talk about weaknesses and doubts Terrified to talk about weaknesses and doubts
Strong fear of success Strong fear of failure
Needs to "blend in" to feel safe Needs to be "top dog" to feel safe
Uses food, friends, and "love" to self-medicate Uses alcohol, TV, sports, and sex to self medicate
Believe their problems could be solved only if they could be a better (spouse, co-worker, parent, friend) Believe their problems could be solved only if their (spouse, co-worker, parent, friend) would treat them better
Constantly wonder, "Am I loveable enough?" Constantly wonder, "Am I being loved enough?"
What to Do About It?

Often we receive questions at our website from distressed women who wonder what is happening to their husbands or partners or co-workers and how they can help.
It is important to recognize the syndrome because most men will not see it in themselves since their most basic psychological defense is denial.
It is important to realize that most men seek help only when pressured to do so by significant people in their life.
It is important to realize than men can be helped through a variety of approaches including
exercise
diet
getting in touch with their spirituality
individual and group psychotherapy
medications
teaching men to recreate the social supports they have lost or never had
teaching men to love and accept themselves for whom they are

Medications
There are a number of excellent antidepressant medications now available. No one medication is perfect and it is very important to choose and monitor therapy carefully.
There are the following classes of medications:
Amphetamines and MAO Inhibitors (Parnate and Nardil)-- these are dangerous and should be dispensed only by psychiatrists highly skilled in their use. They are rarely used today.
Tricyclic Antidepressants (TCAs)-- Elavil, imipramine, trazadone, doxepin, nortriptyline etc. These are generic and cheap but have a lot of side effects including sedation, dry mouth, urinary retention.
SSRIs (Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Luvox)-- the drugs of choice in the 1990s since they eliminate virtually all the side effects of the TCAs but they are not perfect. Each medication has a slightly different profile of side effects so it may be necessary to try several different preparations to get the optimal response. One of the most common side effects of Prozac and Zoloft is sexual dysfunction. Reported incidence of impotence can be as high as 30%. Obviously these medications would be a very poor choice for a male in mid-life crisis who is obsessing about inadequate sexual performance. Another disadvantage is that these agents are expensive. Caution should be used mixing these agents with weight reduction pills, agents used in smoking cessation (Zyban--buproprion), tryptophan and St. John's Wort marketed in health food stores, and other serotonin-like agents
Other drugs include Wellbutrin (buproprion), Effexor, and Serzone. These effect the brain through other biochemical pathways.
Table 2 Reported vs. Placebo Incidence of Sexual Dysfunction Associated with Various Antidepressants (PDR, 2001)
abnormal ejaculation decreased libido impotence
reported placebo reported placebo reported placebo
Prozac 7% >1% 4% 0% 2% >1%
Zoloft 14 1 6 1 N.A.
Paxil 13 0 3 1 10 0
Celexa 6.1 1 3.8 1 2.8 1
Wellbutrin N.A. 3.1 .6 3.4 3.1
Effexor 17 1 6 2 6 1
Serazone >1 1 >1 >1
Luvox 8 1 2 1 2 1
At this time, there is no one best agent for the pharmacological management of the unique issues associated with male depression at midlife.
This article discusses andropause or viropause -- a syndrome associated with lack of or absence of testosterone. Even in healthy men, by the age of 55, the amount of testosterone secreted into the bloodstream is significantly lower than it was just ten years before. In fact, by age 80, most male hormone levels have decreased to pre-puberty levels. There are two general forms found in adult men who had normal hormone levels through puberty and young adulthood and who experience normal sexual development. One form, analogous to female menopause, as associated with the rapid drop of testosterone levels. Typical symptoms of this include:
Fatigue, loss of a sense of well being -- 82%
Joint aches and stiffness of hands -- 60%
Hot flashes, sleep disturbances -- 50%
Depression -- 70%
Irritability and anger -- 60%
Reduced libido -- 80%
Reduced potency -- 80%
Premature aging
Changes in hair growth and skin quality
Sounds familar..... for women at midlife..... because it is the same condition because the relationship between the ovaries, estrogen, the brain, and the pituitary are exactly the same as the relationship between the testis, testosterone, the brain, and the pituitary. Acute andropause in men is relatively uncommon, compared to acute menopause in women, because testicular function declines gradually in most men. There are a number of common causes, however, for acute testicular failure in adult men and these include:
viral infections such as mumps (which fortunately has been eradiacated by immunization)
surgical removal of or surgical injury to the testis and male reproductive tract ( testicular cancer, hernia repairs, ??vasectomies)
diseases when the immune system attacks and destroys the testis such as variations of systemic lupus erythematosis
subtle genetic abnormalities which permit normal adult development but lead to premature testicular failure (such as chromosomal mosaicism)
generalized vascular diseases such as diabetes and perhaps even problems caused by heavy smoking
chemotherapy
pituitary tumors (very rare)
The second form of this syndrome is more insidious since it occurs gradually. It is often confused with male midlife psychological adjustment disorders because it exactly mimics depression in midlife men. Male hormones decline gradually. Testosterone (from the testis), human growth hormone (from the pituitary), and DHEA and androstenedione (from the adrenal gland) all begin to drop. For many men, this does not occur until their 60s or 70s but there are older where it occurs much earlier. In addition, there is proteins in the blood which bind testosterone in a biologically inactive form. These are called sex human binding proteins or globulins. Their levels can rise in response to many conditions including medical disorders and exposure to other hormones including phytoestrogens (estrogens derived from plant sources such as soy) and other environmental estrogen -like compounds (pesticides, hormones used in agribusiness to produce fatter animals, etc.) As an example, there is some data suggesting that men on low fat or vegetarian diets have lower testosterone levels. The overall effect of rising sex hormone binding proteins is that there is less bio-available testosterone.
Diagnosis
First, men need to disassociate their ego from their testicles. Men needs to realize and accept that this disorder exists, that it is a simple endocrine problem which is no different than thyroid disease or diabetes, and that it can be treated. Spouses and employers also need to be aware that this is real so they can identify these men at risk early before their work, home, and families are disrupted. Perhaps, more important, physicians, psychologists, and other health providers need to be taught about this condition. The current paradigm in medicine is that there is no biological basis for behavioral changes in midlife men so it is ignored. But the diagnosis is quite simple--namely measuring either free testosterone blood levels or, as recommended by Dr. Malcolm Carruthers, computing the free androgen index (total testosterone x 100 /sex hormone binding globulin). There is some controversy as to what level of testosterone in men is normal with low end values ranging from 250-400ng/dl.
NORMAL ANDROGEN LEVELS mean range
Free testosterone -- men 700 ng/dl 300-1100
Free testosterone -- women 40 ng/dl 15-70
Free Androgen Index 70-100%
At a free androgen index less than 50% , symptoms of andropause appears. Of course, good medical care dictates that a comprehensive medical and psychological assessment along with a thorough laboratory assessment are necessary.
Testosterone Replacement Therapy
There is good evidence that testosterone levels drop as a man ages. There is a huge debate whether the testosterone level in older men should be adjusted up the mean testosterone levels in younger men.
What are the risks?
Prostate cancer-- At autopsies, most men by age 50 have nests of atypical cells in their prostate which look like prostate cancer cells. There is a great deal of concern among urologists-- particularly in the US when medical malpractice suits are a major concern-- that increasing testosterone levels might activate prostate cancer. On the other hand, there is a good screening test called Prostate Specific Antigen (PSA) which all men over age 50 should have performed annually and which is relatively effective in detecting early prostate cancer. There is no evidence in the medical literature that testosterone replacement therapy increases the risk of prostate cancer.
Heart disease--there is a major concern that increasing male androgen levels would also increase serum cholesterol and serum LDL-Cholesterol levels. Oral methyltestosterone in particular will raise blood cholesterol levels. This increases the risk for coronary artery disease. On the other hand, "good" cholesterol (HDL-Cholesterol increases with exercise. Men using testosterone supplementation should have their serum lipids carefully evaluated and rechecked periodically.
Liver Disease--the only orally available forms of testosterone for men in the USA contain methyltestosterone. Unfortunately, if used for sustained periods of time, it can damage the liver. The Physicians Desk Reference cites several different forms of liver damage from high dose methyl- testosterone including liver cancer, cholestatic hepatitis, and other liver diseases.
Suppression of testicular function--As a general principle, whenever any hormone is administered, the gland which normal produces it ceases to function and recovery may be variable. Patients with borderline low testosterone levels may commit themselves to lifelong therapy if they start with testosterone replacement.
What are the benefits?
There is no doubt that the administration to testosterone to men with true testosterone deficency states will improve their health and sense of well being. The symptoms listed above will disappear. Unfortunately, impotence, or the inability to sustain and erection, does not respond well to testosterone therapy except perhaps only in men with severe hormone deficiencies. This comprises approximately 8-16% of men presenting to physicians with erectile disorders. There is no evidence that administering testosterone to men with borderline low testosterone levels will improve sexual functioning. For more information on erectile disorders, see our article on Impotence.
Forms of Testosterone for Men
Pills
Methyltestosterone (Android,Virilon,Testred, Oreton) 10mg, 25mg (not recommended)
Testosterone undecanoate (Restandol, Andriol) 40mg, essentially a testosterone in oil preparation (not available in the USA)
Mesterolone (Proviron) 25mg -- less potent (not available in the USA)
Transdermal Preparations
Testosterone--transdermal (Testoderm, Testoderm TTS, Androderm)
Injections
The following forms of injectable testosterone is available in the USA.
Testosterone Cypionate 100 mg/ml
Testosterone Propionate in Oil 100 mg/ml
Testosterone Enanthanate 200 mg/ml
The usual dose is 1cc injected weekly or bi-weekly. This route of administration eliminates the risk of liver damage which may be caused by methyltestosterone as well as eliminating the theoretical risk of changes in cholesterol caused by oral medications. The problem is fluctuating hormone levels and the discomfort of administration.
Subdermal Pellets
Many years ago, the Food and Drug Administration approved the use of testosterone pellets for male hormone deficencies. They are manufactured in our office by a compounding pharmacist. We place 6-8 testosterone pellets under the skin. These pellets dissolve slowly over a period of approximately three to four months. This provides a normal and very stable serum testosterone level. I feel that the addition of androgens in this form causes less lowering of HDL cholesterol, as this does not pass through the liver.
The implant procedure consists of a small incision through which a trocar and cannula are inserted. The pellets are inserted through the cannula, and then the cannula is withdrawn. The incision is then closed with a Steri-Strip, and pressure is applied until bleeding stops, and the area is then covered with a dressing. We have not had any major problems in terms of side effects from this procedure. Some expertise is required in terms of placing the pellets so that underlying structures are not traumatized.
The average cost per visit (approximately every 3 months) is in the range of $400. Insertion Fee is $160.00 and Pellets cost $33.00 apiece.
The requirement for the use of subdermal pellets include
Good General Health
No evidence for heart disease
Normal Cholesterol levels
Normal PSA levels
Normal prostate examination, no history of prostate disease
For a good reference, check out Malcolm Carruthers MD, Maximising Manhood, Harper Collins, London, 1997

Hero is a Four-Letter Word by Melanie Ann Phillips

2008-12-16T14:25:00.000-05:00

Hero is a Four-Letter Word: Unmasking the Hero
by Melanie Ann Phillips
Part One

Introduction
Perhaps the best-known character type is the Hero. But if you ask a thousand different writers to define a Hero, you'll get a thousand different answers. That's because the term has been used so indiscriminately it has become a catch-all to describe the central character around which a story revolves. What's more, the word Hero has been used interchangeably with Protagonist, Main Character, Central Character and even Good Guy. As convenient as that may be, it muddies the true nature of the Hero, and makes it a useless moniker - a four letter word - full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Worst of all, an author setting out to develop the hero of his or her story finds no guidance in this formless template, and is left to fumble about for whatever works.
Fortunately, the true Hero is a very specific entity. In this article we will explore the Hero Type and present several key elements such a character must possess.

Life vs. Story
In the real world, we use the term Hero to describe everything from a brave individual who rescues someone or overcomes incredible odds, to someone who dies at the hands of a terrorist, even if the attack was so sudden that the victim never saw it coming. Still and all, when most of us use the word Hero, we mean someone who acts in a heroic manner, meaning that they are willing to sacrifice themselves to protect others.

But stories are not life, they are about life. Dramatically, a Hero is something quite a bit more than someone who acts heroically. In fact, a story Hero doesn't necessarily have to act heroically at all! Hamlet, for example, is hardly a Hero by today's cultural standards. He holds back, he over-thinks the plumbing, and eventually he fails in his quest and dies a horrible, unfulfilled death. But dramatically, he is a Hero in every sense of the word.

The Hero Break Down
So what is it, then, that defines the story Hero? No matter what other elements you may wish to include in that definition, there are four key elements that absolutely must be present. The dramatic hero must be:

1. The Protagonist
2. The Main Character
3. The Central Character
4. A "Good Guy"

In fact, the story Hero must have the qualities described by all of the four terms we mentioned as being often used interchangeably with the word Hero!
So what makes each of these other four character types a different quality? Let's find out...

• The Protagonist
The Protagonist is the Prime Mover of the effort to achieve the Story Goal. In other words, of all the characters in the story, it is the Protagonist who drives the push toward the goal. Without him, the quest would fall apart. With him, it cannot be stopped, short of the potential of failure at the climax. But until that moment, the Protagonist will not relent in his endeavor.

Now, don't go flying off the handle if you have a completely different definition for the word Protagonist. The point here is that one character will have the quality of driving the goal. What word we use to describe that character is arbitrary. We've chosen Protagonist as the label for this quality because that word is most often understood to be the driver of the quest in the story. So call the quality "Fred" if you prefer, but note that the Hero must, first and foremost, be the driver of the effort toward the goal.

• The Main Character
The Main Character represents the reader or audience position in the story. The story is experienced through his or her eyes. And, the Main Character carries the moral dilemma at the heart of the story's message.

To get a sense of the difference between the Protagonist and the Main Character, consider the classic book and movie, To Kill a Mockingbird. In that story, a principled Southern lawyer in the 1930s is assigned to defend a black man wrongly accused of raping a white girl. The lawyer (Atticus) is the Protagonist, as he is the driver of the effort to see justice done by acquitting the defendant. But the story is not told from his position. Rather, we see the events unfold through the eyes of Scout, his ten year old daughter.

In addition, Scout is the fulcrum of a moral dilemma. She is afraid of the local Boogey Man (Boo Radley), believed by all the neighborhood kids to be a monster. In truth, he is their protector, and is simply a slow-witted but caring adult who lives in his elderly parents' basement.

If Atticus had been both Protagonist AND Main Character, the audience would have identified completely with the self-righteous lawyer and learned little about prejudice. But by having the reader/audience identify with Scout, we are suckered into believing the terrible stories about Boo without ever having met him. In other words, we find ourselves having fallen prey to prejudice right along with Scout.

So while we watch Atticus go about his quest, we ultimately learn that we are all capable of prejudice when we believe negative information about others without finding out for ourselves if it is true. In this case, the Protagonist and Main Character are two different people, and by splitting these functions a stronger message is created. Nonetheless, the Hero must be both Protagonist AND Main Character, combining the logistic power of the quest-driver with the empathetic identification of the avatar for the reader/audience.

• The Central Character
Quite simply, the Central Character is the one who is most memorable. Usually this is because he or she gets the most Media Real Estate (the most pages, lines of dialog or screen time). Still, some characters "steal the show," either because they are drawn with tremendous passion or are portrayed with an inspired delivery. Characters such as Darth Maul in The Phantom Menace or Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs are Central Characters, even though they are neither Protagonist nor Main Character. A Hero, however, must also possess this quality as well.

• A Good Guy
To be a Good Guy, a character must intend to do the right thing. He or she must try to be helpful rather than hurtful. Note the key word "try." Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau in the Pink Panther movies does more harm than good, but only because his inept attempts to do the right thing go horribly awry due to his natural clumsiness. Yet, a Good Guy he is, due to his intentions.

• The Classic Hero
The classic story Hero, then, drives the quest forward, represents the reader/audience in the story and grapples with the moral dilemma. He or she is the most memorable character and tries to do the right thing. This combination of qualities makes the Hero truly heroic. It also makes him or her truly melodramatic. That is because everything dramatic centers on this character, and all important dynamics flow from it.

Yet, this arrangement is very appealing, which is why the Heroic arrangement of qualities has endured since the first stories were told. Even today, such characters often draw the largest audiences and greatest numbers of readers. Take, for example, Neo in The Matrix Reloaded. He is the Protagonist, as he is the chief driver of the effort to dismantle the Matrix. He is the Main Character because we stand in his shoes, and because he must grapple with the dilemma of risking the deaths of everyone in the Matrix to save Trinity. He is the Central character because he gets the most screen time, and because his fights are the most spectacular. And, he is a Good Guy for his intent is to do what is best for others, even at great personal peril.

Note how Trinity is not a Hero because she is not the Protagonist, nor the Main Character, nor the Central Character. The only dramatic quality she shares with Neo is being a Good Guy, as she tries to to what's right, even to risking herself to save others. Though she is not a Hero dramatically, from a cultural perspective, she absolutely is heroic in her attitudes and actions.

That is why, when creating characters, it is important to separate the heroic nature of one's personality from the dramatic function of truly being a story Hero.

Study Exercises for Part One: Heroic Qualities

1. List three well-known Heroes you have come across in a book, movie, stage play, or television episode.

2. Explain why each qualifies as a hero by being Protagonist, Main Character, Central Character, and Good Guy.

3. List three well-known characters who are heroic, but are not classic Hero types.

4. Explain why each is not a true story Hero, based on the material in the lesson.

5. List three characters that qualify as classic Hero types, but are not heroic in the popular sense of the word.

6. Describe the traits that make each of these dramatic Heroes non-heroic in personality.

Writing Exercises for Part One: Building Heroes

1. Create a character who is a Protagonist, and explain why he or she fulfills that function.

2. Create a character who is a Main Character, and explain why he or she fulfills that function.

3. Create a character and describe how you would make him or her the Central Character.

4. Create a character who is a Good Guy and describe why.

5. Create a classic Hero type, and describe how he or she possesses all four essential qualities of a Hero.

6. Turn this Hero character you have created into a non-heroic person, while maintaining his dramatic function as a Hero.

About the Author:
Melanie Anne Phillips is the creator of StoryWeaver and co-creator of the Dramatica theory and software. After working on over 200 film and video productions in various capacities such as writer, producer, director, editor, director of photography, and even music scoring and special effects, Ms. Phillips has devoted her career to teaching writers the mechanics of story structure and the passionate art of storytelling. Today, she continues to develop new software tools for writers, teach both in-person and online writing workshops and to write books on a variety of aspects of the writing craft and story development.

Help! I Just Killed My Heroine! by Kayla Perrin

2008-12-16T14:21:00.000-05:00

Help! I Just Killed My Heroine!
Why do my romances keep turning into suspense novels?
by Kayla Perrin

If the above title has gotten your attention, then you need to read on!
If you find that you've killed your heroine or hero and you don't regret it, or you find that killing them actually works better for the story, then maybe, just maybe, you shouldn't be writing romance. In that case, you can stop reading now.
But if the sudden death of your hero or heroine deeply upsets you because you find you now don't have a plot, and you really want this story to work, then you need to find a way to incorporate your murderous thoughts into your romance novel.
The result: romantic suspense. I've heard editors say that this is the toughest sub-genre to master, because it requires great skill to balance both aspects of the story. If there's too much suspense, it's not really a romance, and if there's too much romance, then it doesn't truly qualify as romantic suspense. So, assuming you're trying to write romantic suspense-an edge of your seat thriller along with a wonderful romance-I'll give you some tips to keep in mind that will hopefully help you master the task better.
Before you start writing, I think it's important to plot the suspense aspect of your story out in full. Now, when I say "plot", I don't mean that you have to write everything down in detail. I actually do most plotting in my head, and I'll jot down main points if I feel like it. But you need to figure out what the suspense story is, so you can figure out how you'll weave it into your book.
Yes, you need to weave your plots. The romance plot and the suspense plot have to be intertwined. No ifs, ands, or buts. Put your hero or heroine in danger. Someone might try to kill one or both of them but not succeed. You might think that all this danger is solely suspense, but danger to the hero and/or heroine can enhance the romance plot. How? By forcing the hero and heroine together when they otherwise might stay away from each other.
I recently read a "romantic suspense" novel by a well-known author; all through the book, I kept wondering how the suspense plot would tie into the main romance plot. I was immensely disappointed when, at the end of the story, it became clear the two plots could have existed in two different books-they weren't intertwined at all! As a reader, I felt cheated.
So weaving your subplot into your main plot is not only important for total reader satisfaction, it is necessary. And what I love about the suspense subplot is that you can really use it to make the hero and heroine face their deepest fears much more quickly than in a regular romance. The suspense subplot can be used to put your characters in dangerous situations to test their strength. If they've faced adversity before and think they'll never be strong enough to go on, give them something harder to get through and when they do, the satisfaction is that much sweeter. So, I'm saying, use your suspense subplot to exploit your characters' emotions and weaknesses, which will ultimately show how strong they are.
How do you actually balance the romance and suspense plots? Like I said before, they need to be woven together. After you've decided what your suspense plot will be, figure out how it will play into the main story. This is important so that one element doesn't overshadow the other. In romantic suspense novels, I think there is a greater tendency to be heavy on the suspense. One way to make sure you're concentrating on the romance is to have your hero and heroine work together to solve the crime, or work together simply to stay alive.
In my last novel, Flirting With Danger, my heroine is trying to solve the sixteen-year-old mystery of her mother's murder. Digging into the past brings danger to the heroine. Before the hero knows about the element of danger, he vows to help her find her mother's killer because he is concerned for her and wants her to have closure. And then when the heroine's life is threatened, he doesn't want to leave her alone for a minute. Suddenly, they're spending every waking moment together, working together for a common cause. And of course, the hero also wants to keep the heroine safe.
There's nothing like danger to up the sexual tension in a novel! The more my hero (Khamil) is around to help my heroine (Monique), the more she sees a side to him she didn't notice before-a caring side. And of course, realizing that he's the only one who seems to care about helping her get answers (her entire family wants her to forget and move on) endears him to her all the more. But while she's suddenly feeling drawn to him, she questions herself. How can she feel attracted to a man at a time like this? Especially a man who she's certain is the wrong man?
The more time the hero and heroine spend together, the more the sexual tension increases, and the more likely they are to succumb to the passion they've been trying to hold in check. Of course, there will be doubts afterward, doubts about how they could have succumbed to such passion in the face of all the danger (ie, more important things going on), but this should also make your hero and heroine question why they succumbed to that passion. Is there more going on? Are they more attracted to each other than they want to admit, or have they just released tension because of all the stress?
What I think is particularly wonderful about romantic suspense is that with the threat of danger, the hero and heroine tend to come to the realization that you need to appreciate what you have here and now because tomorrow may be too late. Sometimes, it's not until the black moment that the hero and/or heroine will come to that realization-and at that point, they may indeed think it's too late. So, use the suspense subplot to heighten the stakes for the hero and heroine after the black moment. If death is a real threat, the hero and heroine start thinking about all that's important, and what they'd do over again if they could.
For example, in my novel Sweet Honesty, undercover cop Derrick has just had his cover blown. While he's been investigating murder and robbery suspect, Samona, he doesn't truly feel she's guilty. Still, he lies to her because his job requires it. But when Samona learns the truth, she's devastated. She bared her soul to this man, only to learn everything he told her is a lie. She was falling for him; Derrick didn't want to allow himself to fall for her. But when she runs from him, Derrick realizes just how much he cares. And when she's now missing and assumed kidnapped by the bad guy, he knows that if he ever sees her alive again, he'll do everything in his power to not only make sure she stays safe, but to have the relationship with her that he wants.
I love suspense plot resolutions after black moments. When the hero saves the heroine or vice versa, the first thing they tend to say to each other is what's in their hearts. One might blurt out, "God, I was so afraid I'd lose you before we ever had a chance to make a life together." (Or something like that). The confession probably surprises the hell out of the character-as well as the other party. But the fear of losing someone you love does put a lot of things into perspective, and it's a tool to use when writing suspense plots in your romance.
What's the moral of the story? If you love writing suspense, go ahead! I think the combination of romance and suspense is one of the best out there. You can appeal to many readers-within the genre and out. Nora Roberts has a large male following, because they love the mystery/suspense in her books. The key is to not forget the romance. Use the suspense to heighten the stakes for your hero and heroine, to bring them closer together, to give the reader that extra special feeling that after all they've gone through, they deserve to live happily-ever-after.
And kill all the people you want.
Just don't kill your heroine.

Kayla Perrin divides her time between Toronto and Miami. She has a Bachelor of Arts in English and Sociology and a Bachelor of Education. In three short years, she has had eleven original releases hit the shelves. Kayla's February 2001 release, IF YOU WANT ME, has been nominated for a 2001 Gold Pen Award from the Black Writers Alliance. Last year, the Romance Writers of America voted SWEET HONESTY as one of the Top 10 Favorite Books of 1999. Her latest novel, THE SISTERS OF THETA PHI KAPPA, is her mainstream hardcover debut (October/01, St. Martin's), and it has a good dose of suspense as a secret comes back to haunt four friends eight years after college.

How to Motivate Every Employee

2008-12-16T14:17:00.000-05:00

“In thinking about motivation from a management perspective, it’s very important to appreciate this point: You can’t motivate people, you can only influence what they’re motivated to do.”

“When you look at personal growth as a motivator, you change the way employees think about their work, you help them become more capable, and you give them a meaningful purpose in coming to work.”

24 Proven Tactics to Spark Productivity in the Workplace by ANNE BRUCE

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Contents

How to Motivate Every Employee viii
Build a motivated workforce 1
They do it for themselves 3
Know what drives people 5
Make employees feel like partners 7
Show employees how the business operates 9
Know your competition 11
Encourage intelligent risk taking 13
Inspire creative and innovative thinking 15
Affirm the link between motivation and performance 17
Help them achieve greater performance 19
Get employees to buy into your ideas— and theirs 21
Be clear about rewards and recognition 23
Always expect the best from employees 25
Fire up successful performance 27
Offer incentives and morale boosters 29
Give your power away 31
Encourage accountability at all times 33
Build trust for a better tomorrow 35
Boost morale 37
Make it fun to make it motivating 39
Attack de-motivators head on 41
Retain your employees 43
Put heart and soul into your team 45
Unleash the power of human potential 47

H ow to Motivate Every Employee is a small but powerful book written to help managers like you utilize in your career the actions and motivational success strategies of world-class business icons, such as Disney, SAS Institute, Virgin Management Limited, Levi Strauss, Starbucks, Four Seasons Hotels, Capitol One, and more. In addition, there are creative, timely, and immediately applicable tips, tools, techniques, and suggestions—all presented in bite-size chunks— guaranteed to keep you and your employees from falling victim to mediocrity and complacency.
But, ultimately, none of these principles and innovative ideas will be worth anything unless you can translate them into fast action steps that affect your employees’ behaviors today—right now! This book allows you to do just that.
Your expert skills and talents have gotten you this far. Now, let this handy, user-friendly book help you apply the fast facts and quick guidelines to becoming even more successful and effective—as a motivating manager!
I believe in the power and the influence that today’s manager or supervisor can have on employee motivation. With the right set of techniques, like the ones included in this book, you can reawaken and revive the spirit in your organization. Not only that, you can inspire all those around you by creating an environment in which employees will tap their own motivational energy and perform their best work.
It’s my hope that you will find 24 Ways to Motivate Every Employee an invaluable workplace tool and resource that you’ll refer to again and again. This is a book about managers creating an environment in which their employees feel passionate about doing their jobs and putting the best of themselves into those jobs. I hope you’ll feel passionate about the information in this book as well.
“Motivation is about cultivating your human capital. The challenge lies not in the work itself, but in you, the person who creates and manages the work environment.”
Build a motivated workforce
Here’s the million-dollar question: Who would want to be influenced and inspired by you? If you cannot answer this question, then you have no business managing anyone. As a professional speaker and corporate trainer, I have asked this question of t5housands of managers and leaders across America and abroad, and you’d be surprised how difficult this question can be for some managers and supervisors to answer. Oftentimes the response is simply a stunned hush.
Here’s why being able to answer this question is so important. Managers can’t really do anything or be effective in their jobs, if their employees aren’t motivated to perform well. So as a manager or supervisor, it’s imperative that you continually look for ways to engage your people and rouse their enthusiasm and commitment to the organization and its goals.
The fact is that people are motivated to do what is in their best interests. Your goal as a manager, then, is to help employees identify their welfare with that of the organization. When this happens, employees will naturally feel motivated to work hard, because it is in their best interest to do so.
All this is another way of saying that motivation is intrinsic. It’s what drives us to accomplish our desired ends. Whatever we do, it’s always because we believe it will fulfill some present or future personal goal or desire.
Contemplate this. When have you been most excited about your work? For most people that excitement comes from being involved with projects that were near and dear to us—projects we took personally, or in which we believed we could really make a difference and accomplish something for ourselves and others. By helping your employees to identify closely with the job they are doing, you will begin to reap the rewards of intrinsic motivation at work.
And when was the last time you thought about really trying to “turn on” your organization? You’re the manager, right? Isn’t that your job? Yes, but today motivation needs to be everyone’s responsibility. As a manager, it is your job to help build a truly “motivating organization,” one that inspires employees to do their very best every day. Understanding that the role you play as a leader and manager of people is one of extreme importance, here are three key points to help build that motivating organization:
Know why your employees would want to be motivated by you: When you can answer this important question, you will be better equipped to engage workers in their jobs more effectively and influence their behaviors to act more enthusiastically to meet company goals.
Recognize that real motivation is an inside job: People talk about motivation being either intrinsic or extrinsic. But it’s really only intrinsic, within each of us. What we refer to as extrinsic motivation is really just external factors, like company perks, bonuses, and pay raises that ultimately affect our intrinsic motivation.
Turn employees on to what’s important and meaningful: This requires managers to inspire their followers to be their best, to take risks, to think like entrepreneurs, and to unleash their limitless and synergistic potential.
“Men and women want to do a good job, a creative job, and if they are provided the proper environment, they will do so.” —Bill Hewlett, Co-founder, Hewlett-Packard
They do it for themselves
A s a manager, if you really want to influence people’s motivation, you have to uncover their reasons for doing things. You have to question their purposes and their causes. People aren’t going to be truly motivated for your reasons and objectives. Employees ask themselves, “What’s in it for me?” Knowing this upfront, it’s your responsibility to find out what your employees’ motives are, then help them connect those motives to your organization’s goals and activities. When you do this, you also will be positively affecting each worker’s performance on the job.
How do you know that you are doing this well? You’ll know when your employees start asking the question, “What’s in it for us?” By looking out for your people and their best interests, your employees will begin to see that looking out for others and the organization as a whole is how they ultimately look out for themselves. Sure, it can take some time for this to happen, but if you persist, employees will see the light and it will be worth the wait.
Most managers attempt to influence employee motivation using both positive and negative approaches. As a manager or supervisor, it is important that you understand clearly the three very different techniques used to influence the motivation of people in today’s workforce, and, thereby, evaluate their pros and their cons. By studying the three primary ways leaders use to influence their workers, you will find greater opportunity to lead and bring about more positive results when it comes to uncovering your worker’s intrinsic motivators.
Here’s what works and doesn’t work in positively influencing employee motivation:
Fear and manipulation don’t work very well: When workers are motivated by fear and manipulation, they are not so much trying to achieve something as they are looking to avoid losing their jobs. This approach often leads to resentment of managers by employees, which then undermines communication and cooperation. The results of trying to scare employees to perform also typically won’t last and eventually will almost always backfire on the organization and its managers.
The carrot on a stick seldom works well: Also known as incentive motivation—this technique can also eventually undermine performance. Sure, people will temporarily work harder to get the reward, but what happens afterwards? You will have to keep coming up with new and better rewards—sweeter carrots—because your employees will expect more and more to go beyond the minimum work required.
Set up an approach that promotes personal growth and purpose: What you want to do is help employees appreciate that they have something to contribute and you want to help them do that. When you emphasize personal growth and development as a way to influence employee motivation, not only do you help employees maximize their contribution, you also are improving the productivity of the company. It’s a win for everyone.
“Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we can be.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson
Know what drives people
M anagers need to know what drives their employees. Do you?
For starters, if you put people in jobs where they can meet their individual needs while doing the work that’s important to the organization, you’ll have employees who are more motivated to perform at their best.
Managers have to make work a place where employees feel good about themselves and where the work people do helps them to feel good inside as well. When your employees come to work, they can’t turn off their human side, in other words, their human nature. Employees’ needs don’t shift when they walk through the workplace door. To get people to perform at high levels, you must plug into their human side, or their human nature, affirm them, and help them meet their own needs.
Start by paying attention. Watch people doing their jobs. What gets them excited? What turns them on? What turns them off? Encourage employees to try out their own methods, provided those methods are compatible with effectively getting the job done. Next, send out an employee survey about attitudes in the workplace and ask for suggestions for improvements. Once you get this feedback, don’t ignore the results. Use the findings to make changes that will improve everyone’s working conditions, including yours.
Of course, you can’t help every employee meet every need. And there are certain dangers in expecting an employee’s job, no matter how gratifying, to constitute his or her entire life. However, there are certain steps that all mangers can take to help their employees meet some, or even several, of their inner desires that will drive them to do their best work and find greater motivation in the process. Here are three main ways to go about doing this more effectively:
Appreciate everyone’s uniqueness: By acknowledging to your staff that everyone is unique, you will be demonstrating that you honor and appreciate the individual talents and differences all employees bring to the organization. And who knows, you might even uncover a diamond in the rough.
Brainstorm for greater fulfillment: One great way to brainstorm and, thereby, motivate workers is to set up employee focus groups. By doing this you will begin to discover what employees would like to get from their work. Ask employees to brainstorm ways to make work more fulfilling. Then don’t forget to take action and move forward with ideas and suggestions. When you receive employee ideas that are not appropriate, always explain why and hold out for reconsideration at a later time.
Assume that meaningful purpose is important to people: Always assume that things like personal growth and recognition, creativity, and meaningful purpose are as important to your workers as they are to you. Ask employees to describe their ideal job and what they like or don’t like about their work and then use what you learn to make work more fulfilling.
“Ultimately, we’re talking about redefining the relationship between boss and subordinate.” —Jack Welch, Former CEO, General Electric
Make employees feel like partners
If you want your employees to be motivated to do their best, and if you want them to be the most valuable asset on your balance sheet, then let them feel and experience ownership in the organization.
The best managers make every employee feel like a business partner. Why? Because when people feel ownership of something, they look out for it, protect it, and pour themselves into it.
One way world-class organizations and their managers help create workplaces alive with entrepreneurial thinking and a sense of ownership (aside from the usual profit-sharing and stock options) is to retitle their employees’ positions. For example: Starbucks and TDIndustries refer to their employees as partners. Guidant, famous maker of pacemakers, uses the term employee-owners. And LensCrafters, Marriott, W.L. Gore, Publix Super Markets, and Capital One all call their people associates. Making everyone feel like a partner in the business is one way managers empower their people. Here are some other ways you can do the same:
Encourage entrepreneurial thinking: This goes beyond profit sharing and stock options. It’s about the attitude instilled in others by you, the manager. Instilling an entrepreneurial mindset requires employees to think like business owners, not employees. The term also conveys a sense of feeling joint ownership and caring about the success of the business and happiness of its people. When employees feel like entrepreneurs, they’re motivated to take exceptional pride in their work because they are treated like business partners, not hired help.
Explain how the business is run: Help employees better understand what’s going on outside the walls of your department. When employees know how they fit in and the difference they make, they can do their work more intelligently. Give employees information about the organization’s history to help establish a greater sense of pride and identity. Instruct employees on how to read the compa-ny’s annual report, if one is available. Point out the CEO’s message to help clarify organizational goals, mission, vision, and progress. Encourage employees to identify things they can do to contribute directly to achieving the organization’s strategic goals. Then let them act on their ideas.
Help employees feel as if they own the business: If you want your employees to put more of themselves into their work, help them find more of themselves in the work they do. Here’s the key: if you want your employees to be motivated to perform at their highest levels, then help them gain more control of their jobs; help them feel as if they belong to a community, and most of all, as if they own the business!
“It’s surprising how much you can accomplish, if you don’t care who gets the credit.” —Abraham Lincoln
Show employees how the business operates
T o succeed in today’s business environment, your employees need to know far more about the business than just how to do their jobs. They need to know how it operates. Influential managers must take the responsibility to help workers better understand the entire organization, gain a clearer perspective on just how the business operates, analyze the competition, learn to ake risks, and inspire innovative thinking. As a manager, you understand how your organization operates and manages its finances. That’s your job. So you might not realize what it’s like to work without knowing how every person and every job impacts the bottom line. When your employees learn how the organization runs and how it spends and brings in the money, they become more motivated to help make a difference. Start by arranging for a business basics training program for all workers. There are several on the market that can be customized to your organization’s needs. These programs may use a game format to explain how your organization operates and how it makes and loses money. This can be an enjoyable and fun way to teach employees the business of being in business. And here are a few other suggestions to get people moving on understanding business basics:
Talk money: Share the monthly departmental profit-and-loss statements with your employees. This can quickly help workers to better understand how their jobs and specific duties fit into the overall workings of the organization, their neighborhoods, and even their communities. Take time to analyze scenarios that show the impact one person has on the entire organization. This can be a real eye-opener! The point here is to help your employees see how one per-son’s attitude and behavior might directly impact the organization’s bottom line, potential pay raises, bonuses, profit sharing, and so on.
Encourage “open-book managing”: The idea of open book management has become quite popular. This concept involves sharing the organization’s financial data and operational strategies with employees and then showing them specifically what they cost and what value they add to the organization. Some companies go as far as to post everyone’s salaries! A good resource for learning about this approach is the 1992 book, The Great Game of Business, by Jack Stack. Information is also available on the Internet at http://greatgame.com.
Help people see the big picture: By showing your employees how to see the big picture and understand the monetary domino effect of every action they take, you instill in them an entrepreneurial mindset that creates a motivated organization. Your purpose here is to develop smarter, more skilled, and highly motivated employees who understand their role in helping the organization succeed, today and into the future. Helping your employees to see the big picture, and not just a myopic view of their specific tasks, can help make that happen.
“Trust—the glue that binds followers and leaders together.” —Warren Bennis
Know your competition
W hen employees pull together to compete in the marketplace, their level of motivation rises proportionately when they understand just who and what they are competing against. Nothing brings a team together like the challenge of performing at higher levels than its competitors and then helping the organization grow as a result.
Is having your employees know more about the competition dangerous? Possibly—especially when it comes to unveiling such information as employee incentive plans, salaries, and other perks. But remember, the point of having your workers get to know the competition is so that you, as the manager, can use this information to take specific steps to make your company a better place to work. The ultimate goal, of course, is to help create a work environment where employees feel motivated by much more than incentive plans or slightly higher wages.
Helping employees to better understand the competition doesn’t necessarily require taking a “rah-rah” attitude either, as if organizations were high-school football teams. This is just another way to help your employees get the big picture because your competitors are a part of that picture.
You will get to know your competition by researching what they are doing and then using that information to improve your own organization. In that spirit, here are some ways both you and your employees can learn a bit more about your competitors.
Help employees to compete in the marketplace: Show your employees how to compete more effectively in the marketplace by encouraging them to learn more about your industry and staying current with industry changes. Budget for employee membership in your industry’s professional associations and then give people an opportunity to read their trade publications. Encourage employees to copy and distribute industry news, overviews, and relevant case studies (in some cases you may need permission from the publisher to do so). Suggest employees join Internet discussion groups on subjects dealing with your industry and its management in general.
Start competitor files: Put someone in charge of obtaining the competitor’s promotional literature; then have someone investigate their Web site and obtain a copy of their annual report, if possible. In addition, a competitor file should include copies of advertisements, profiles of top executives, and the organization’s awards and recognition. Assign a team to take it all a step further and determine the competition’s strengths and weaknesses in the marketplace, market share, and global reach.
Know your competitors and how you measure up against them: A quick and easy way to do this is to have your employees simply ask your customers to evaluate how your organization measures up to the competition. Tell them to be specific. Find out what your customers have to say about your competitor’s pricing, customer care programs, product quality, etc. Have employees document the feedback and use this as a basis for internal improvements within your department.
“Next to knowing all about your own business” the best thing is to know all about the other fellow’s business —John D. Rockefeller, Founder, Standard Oil
Encourage intelligent risk taking
H ave you ever asked yourself, “Why aren’t more of my employees willing to take risks?” Perhaps it’s because the few times they tried and things went wrong, they were either disciplined or perhaps even fired. Even when employees succeed at something risky, with a pat on the back for the result, they may also get chastised for taking the initiative. After all, there are channels and chains of command, assigned responsibilities, managers paid to take risks, and so on. Even in more recent years, management has sent out a mixed message to employees: We want you to feel empowered and take risks—just don’t screw up or you’re out of here!
Let’s face it, everyone makes mistakes. The best managers know that, but they also recognize that developing a risk-taking mentality is part of helping employees develop an entrepreneurial approach in their work—and that’s motivating! So it is important for you as a manager and leader to support, encourage, and reward intelligent risk-taking behaviors.
The only way to get better is to try new things and organizations that don’t innovate stagnate. They may even go out of business. So how can you create a culture that encourages employees to take intelligent risks and feel comfortable doing so? Here are some ideas to consider:
Tell employees risk is a four-letter word for success: Creative and calculated risk-taking can improve any organization. That means that managers and supervisors should help employees try new ways of doing their work, of experimenting to make improvements, and encourage and support them in taking those risks. And what if things don’t work out as planned? That’s OK because it means they’re trying new things. And sometimes things don’t work out. When employees are allowed to be human and make mistakes, the recognition for having taken the risk is what they’ll remember.
Empower employees to take risks: Do this by allowing employees to take an active role in decision-making that involves risk. As a leader, you can set the example by trying new things. Demonstrate to employees how to evaluate whether or not to take a risk. Look for the critical issues, assess opportunities against objective criteria to determine the potential return, then decide whether the risk is worth it and if the organization can stand behind whatever results.
Encourage risk-taking behavior as a learned behavior: Risk-taking is something we learn over time, one step at a time. Remind your employees that there is risk in much of what we do in our daily lives, whether that’s getting married, having a baby, buying a house, changing jobs, buying a new car, or moving to another city. The more risks we learn to take over time and the greater those risks become, the easier it is to take on a risky situation that has potential and payoff for the entire organization and its people.
“Not failure, but low aim, is crime.” —James Russell Lowell
Inspire creative and innovative thinking
W hen you find an organization that survives and thrives over time, it’s usually because managers like you have learned how to adapt to their changing circumstances and sometimes even keep ahead of the changes taking place around them. Managers who encourage creativity and innovative thinking among their people are natural-born motivators.
Start by addressing and eliminating any fears employees may have about creative thinking. Some people, for example, don’t think they’re capable of being creative. Others tend to focus on areas of practicality, analyzing and judging ideas as quickly as they arise. Let your employees know that it’s time to lighten up and not to assume that something won’t work because nobody’s tried it. Have your employees suspend critical judgment when someone presents what may seem to be an off-the-wall or different kind of idea than what’s been proposed in the past. Have employees concentrate on how they can make new ideas work and not what’s wrong with them.
Motivating managers pride themselves on providing a free and open environment that inspires employees to offer whatever ideas and suggestions may occur to them—no matter how “impractical” they may seem at first. It’s in this type of environment where employees will feel motivated to stretch themselves and use their imaginations to help the organization (and themselves) succeed. Here are some ways to encourage creativity:

Think big. Think virtual: Today, employee brainstorming can be done over long distances through the use of cyberspace auditoriums and virtual conference rooms. Virtual meetings are proliferating and can function just as effectively and synchronously in cyberspace as they can in the office conference room down the hall. Just think, it is now possible for your employees to hash out ideas with colleagues in the UK, get input from other team members in Burlington, Vermont, go over a game plan before a meeting with other employees in Honolulu, and kibitz with a new member of the team in Melbourne, Australia.
Use tools for creative and innovative thinking: Begin by setting aside time to brainstorm with employees and investigate innovative and creative new approaches and ideas. Not only should you support innovative thinking, but as the manager, you should also help implement new ideas. Make books available to your employees on the subject of creativity, such as A Whack on the Side of the Head by Roger von Oech, Thinkertoys by Michael Michalko, or How to Think Like Einstein: Simple Ways to Break the Rules and Discover Your Hidden Genius, by Scott Thorpe. Through special announcements, newsletters, e-mails, and day-to-day conversations, praise the innovation of your team.
Emphasize positive aspects of innovative solutions: Continually emphasize the positive aspects of innovative solution finding and the disadvantages of always doing the same things in the same way. Refrain from penalizing anyone for trying something new that may end up a big mistake. Instead, encourage others to learn from their mistakes. It’s your responsibility to encourage freedom of expression and congratulate those who possess unique, one-of-a-kind creativity and out-of-the-box thinking skills.
“There is nothing that is a more certain sign of insanity than to do the same thing over and over and expect the results to be different.” —Albert Einstein

Affirm the link between motivation and performance
As a leader, you need to know that there is a direct link between employee motivation and employee performance. In fact, it can be a positively outrageous connection depending on the culture of your organization and the enthusiasm and excitement your company’s culture instills in its people. Perhaps you’ve seen companies like Disney, Saturn, SAS Institute, Southwest Airlines, Starbucks, USAA, Rosenbluth International, and The Ritz Carlton (just to name a few) that always seem to go the extra mile for their customers’ satisfaction and happiness and whose employees are upbeat and glad to be working there. And without even thinking about it, you somehow know there is a direct connection between how those employees perform on the job and just how motivated they are about their work. It’s practically palpable—you can feel it! That’s because these employees are motivated to do these things, and it shows up in the quality of their work. In other words, if you don’t think motivation and performance are connected, think again. Here are three important factors to consider when it comes to linking the motivation of your people to higher levels of performance and productivity:
Know the impact you’re having on people: All managers occasionally feel as though they are having little or no impact on the motivation of their employees. Let’s face it: you can’t always change or control certain factors that affect your employees’ enthusiasm for their jobs. Some things, such as working conditions, specific assignments, salaries, and benefits you can provide, but other factors can simply be out of your control. Still, as the manager, you have a direct impact on linking employee motivation to performance. Learn some of the effective techniques that are working for other managers and then try them when they seem appropriate for your employees. Be willing to commit to a strategy so that employees don’t feel your approach is simply a “flavor-of-the-week” series of gimmicks. You’ll be pleasantly surprised to find that you can influence your employees’ motivation and improve their productivity and attitudes when you try appropriate, innovative techniques and use them with your own personal style of leadership, business sense, and people skills.
Make sure employees know what performance is: Never assume that your employees will automatically know what you mean by “performance.” It’s your responsibility to clearly define performance standards for them. You need to think of performance in your own terms and then clearly and precisely explain what that means to your employees. Only then will you be capable of linking performance to motivation successfully.
Tell people what’s expected of them and be specific: Here are the questions every manager must be able to answer for every employee: “What’s expected of me?” “What is my role as a part of the group and the organization?” “What’s considered unacceptable performance?” “What must I do to reach your standards of performance?” Be explicit! The more detailed and explicit the expectations, the greater the chance the employee will meet or exceed them.
“No person who is enthusiastic about his work has any thing to fear from life.” —Samuel Goldwyn
Help them achieve greater performance
In the beginning lessons of this book, we focused on helping employees become intrinsically motivated. We also focused on how you as a manager or supervisor can more effectively influence the forces that compel others to do the things they do to the best of their talent. In this lesson and the preceding one, we’re shifting our focus to getting employees to take direction and then stretch themselves in order to turn motivation into stronger performance and higher productivity. Here are some ways to consider doing this:
Stretch people beyond their perceived limits: Take your employees above and beyond the status quo of just doing the same job the same way. Make their work challenging, and help them to see the bigger picture and the part they play in it. They may resist if they feel that higher expectations are being imposed on them. Let your employees know that you are simply trying to help them stretch and grow for their own benefit. They will love you for it! You can do this by helping them set individual performance goals that exceed the existing requirements of their jobs. Further, when you can explain how their work adds value to the organization and how what they do affects the work of others, your employees can begin to figure out different ways to improve and grow their talents on their own.
Set standards and be clear: Identify those standards for a particular job and be specific about the outcomes that characterize outstanding as well as unacceptable performance. Involve your employees in doing this. Employees who are involved in developing standards are more likely to discuss the obstacles that might impede their efforts along the way, allowing you to handle those issues head on before things get out of hand. Involved employees are also far more likely to understand the standards and reasons behind them, so you won’t have to work so hard to communicate these standards again and again. And these employees are far more likely to accept such guidelines for success and be motivated to meet them to the best of their ability.
Define employees’ scope of responsibility: Make sure everyone understands who is responsible for each job activity. When employees know their roles, this reduces confusion and gives them a better sense of how they might work with their fellow employees to meet their individual objectives. Once you’ve done this, you’ve set up the next step, which is to help employees broaden the scope of their responsibilities and open new opportunities for them. As an employee responds, you might want to suggest that he or she assume greater decision-making authority on a certain project. But be careful. Your goal is not to heap more work on the shoulders of your employees. They need to know that you genuinely appreciate their efforts and want to provide them with the opportunity to learn more and excel on the job. You want your employees to feel that it is in their best interests to go the extra mile.
“All of us do not have equal talent, but all of us should have an equal opportunity to develop our talent.” —John F. Kennedy
Get employees to buy into your ideas – and theirs
The more input an employee can provide about the job he or she is expected to perform, the more likely the employee is to buy into your ideas for how to do it well. When they know you actually care about their performance and are willing to listen to their ideas for improvement, they’ll be motivated to accept your suggestions as well.
The term “buy-in” is one that every manager uses at one time or another, but often not in the same way. If you think that getting your employees to buy into a program means somehow compelling them to accept it, you’re likely to run into problems. Employees truly buy in when they decide to invest their individual abilities and energies, as if they were business owners making a financial investment in a joint venture. So give your employees the opportunity to get involved. If you do, they will be motivated to buy into higher standards of performance on every level. Here you can contemplate other ways this can be carried out successfully:
Give employees a role in raising workplace standards or performance: When you include your employees in raising workplace standards or performance levels, they’ll eagerly share with you their ideas and suggestions for improving the process. Keep in mind that almost all employees have a strong desire to play a role in raising their own performance expectations and, when allowed to do so, will set the bar higher than you might have anticipated.
Document what you and your employees agree on: Develop a written list of performance standards for meeting and exceeding the expectations you’ve agreed upon with your employees. Remember, you want your employees to continue to stretch, yet you want to be certain they can attain their goals. This is key in staying highly motivated. Next, be specific about what it’s going to take to actually reach those goals, in each area or each job function. Document and then give a copy of those expectations to every employee. At your next employee performance review or upon completion of a project, this document will serve as the basis for you and the employee to discuss and measure what was accomplished. Remember, what gets measured is what he or she will be most motivated to do.
Plan a course of action, then get moving: Once the standards are set, review the specific tasks of each person’s job. Identify and discuss the areas in which each person is skilled and qualified. Plan a course of action and delegate based on each employee’s experience and level of competence. Next, let each employee know that once he or she has started the project and gained greater insight into the intricacies of the job, you will be willing at that point to revise the expectations accordingly. Be sure to keep the goals challenging, yet realistic. Now get moving, but take time to observe and follow up. Don’t wait until the end of a project to check in with your employees. Following up is an important way you give your employees the feedback they need concerning their performance as it’s happening. It’s also a great way to demonstrate that your job as manager is to help each employee succeed—reinforcing their motivation to perform.
“Every manager knows how to count, but smart managers know what counts.” —Anonymous
Be clear about rewards and recognition
L et your employees know up front what to expect if they meet or exceed the standards of excellence you’ve set for them with their help. Be clear about potential rewards for hitting those goals. In other words, let employees know what’s in it for them, then plan on them succeeding beyond your wildest imagination. Sure, it may be less expensive for the organization if employees fall slightly short on meeting your expectations, because then you’d be saving on those rewards. But the smartest managers know that success, even when it entails additional expense, breeds greater success and motivation among the ranks.
When your employees do hit the target and meet a standard you’ve set for them, reward them immediately. Never stall. By doing this, you help employees directly connect the reward with the behavior and higher performance they’ve attained.
Never make a promise without a plan to deliver. When that happens, it sends a message to employees that you can’t be trusted and that you really don’t have faith in them. On the other hand, don’t make the promise of rewards the main reason for employees to perform. What you want is for employees to know that rewards are recognition of a job well done and not simply the goal of doing the work.
Think about the people behind the performance. Rewards and recognition should fit the achievement, but also the employee. If you want to reward a telemarketer, for example, he or she may appreciate a weekend getaway with meals and accommodations provided. However, if you are rewarding a traveling sales rep, such a prize may not excite him or her who spends a great deal of time in hotels and restaurants anyway.
Here are some positive forms of reinforcement that aren’t expensive and will help get the point across to your employees that you want to recognize a job well done:
Create greater autonomy: This tells employees that you trust them to make decisions that affect their work. It also conveys a sense of additional responsibility.
Increase visibility within the organization: Send an e-mail or memo to others publicly recognizing the good work of someone. When you help increase the visibility of an employee who’s done a good job, you’re reinforcing that good work by your praise and recognition. If it’s in the budget, another way to appreciate a job well done is to provide that person with additional resources, such as a new computer system, software, an assistant, or monies for books and seminars.
Showcase success: Showcasing success often calls for special recognition, like a framed certificate or an engraved plaque or trophy. Sometimes managers like to showcase success on a quarterly basis with “Walk-the-Talk” awards or gift certificates for the team. In some cases, managers let the employees themselves showcase their hard work and special accomplishments by asking them to present a special case study at a prestigious management conference or leadership meeting.
“There are two things people want more than sex and money … recognition and praise.”
—Mary Kay Ash, Founder, Mary Kay Cosmetics
Always expect the best from employees
I t’s actually pretty natural, and almost unavoidable, for managers to form expectations of their workers. Research has found that in an organization, our expectations of others can be tied directly to productivity, profitability, and yes—motivation! If you have high expectations of your employees, you will possess a powerful and effective tool for improving performance and motivation within your organization.
Performance is often a matter of expectations. Managers and supervisors form expectations of others, which then influence how they interact with those people. If you don’t expect much from your employees, they will sense that and perform poorly. Why? Because your expectations of them affect their desire to do well. The point is that people naturally try to live up to our expectations of them, or live down to them, whatever the case may be. So expect the best from your employees and don’t be surprised if that’s exactly what you get! Here are some ideas on how managers can get the best from their people:
Get what you ask for: Expectations influence behavior. Simply put, if you expect the best from your employees, you will more than likely get it—over and over again. This is especially true if you treat employees as if they can perform and you give them the information and tools they need. That makes it easy for them to feel motivated and deliver what you (and now they) expect.
Take advantage of the Pygmalion Effect: That’s the tendency of people to act in ways that are consistent with their expectations. Employee performance improves greatly when managers are told beforehand that they are going to be leading an exceptional group of high-potential workers. Because those managers then tend to treat these employees as if they are capable of superior performance, they deliver. Use the Pygmalion Effect, by showing that you are committed to your people and by doing the following: create a high-performance environment, share the rewards of successful performance, and inspire others to higher-level performance.
Create a high-performing, high-producing environment: If you really want to tap into the true motivation within your employees, you must deliberately create an environment that’s conducive to higher levels of employee performance. That means that everyone is clear and focused about the organization’s objectives, that the work is stimulating and challenging, that people feel appreciated and respected, that people have the resources they need, and that people help and support one another without being asked to do so.
“Leadership is performance. You have to be conscious of your behavior, because everyone else is.”
—Carly Fiorina, CEO, Hewlett Packard
Fire up successful performance
I f you really want to fire-up successful performance in your people, then you’ll need to inspire them to reach those higher levels of performance and productivity. Great leaders are often inspirational. They seem to have a knack for fostering optimism and belief in a better tomorrow. As a manager or supervisor, you too can create an environment that encourages people to climb to the next level of achievement, satisfaction, and personal excellence.
Do all that you can to show your employees that your actions are meaningful and sincere when it comes to helping them do their best work.
Consider the following strategies: 1) Ask for everyone’s input, ideas, and suggestions about the current work environment and how it can be improved. Then publish a plan and let your people put it into action. Now that’s motivating! 2) Emphasize your own personal commitment to your team. In other words, you too must be fired up about your work. Always praise the commitment of your staff. 3) Connect the success of your team to the success of the organization. When you practice these strategies, you’ll be helping to ensure that management values its people and wants to take actions that will benefit both employees and the organization. Here are some additional ways to fire up employees:
Share rewards: An important goal of any motivation program is to help employees feel that the work itself is the reward. Managers reinforce our natural human motivation when they arrange for employees to enjoy rewards that result from their work. So share the rewards with all those who have contributed to the organization’s success. For example, when an employee or group of employees improves a process or saves the company money, share those benefits with them. The plan may include a percentage of the savings or a flat bonus.
Recognize and praise them: Besides pay, there are other ways to share in the rewards of successful performance. For example, you may be amazed at how employees respond to a simple compliment for work well done. It’s best to compliment a person face to face, then follow up by sending him or her a letter or e-mail of appreciation. And in this day and age of technology-generated correspondence, a handwritten card or thank-you note is valued even more. Remember to always be specific in your compliments.
Train, train, train: Nothing fires up successful performance among employees more than training. Training people sends out a clear message that says, “You are worth this investment!” Give employees special learning opportunities, both inside and outside of the organization. Always encourage ongoing personal and professional development and watch motivation soar! When employees are exposed to training programs, seminars, e-learning, etc., it tells them that management really values their performance and wants to help them to continually improve their skills. When you do this, make sure you also give employees immediate opportunities to use their new skills. This way the training pays off quickly and people take what they learned seriously.
“The shortest and best way to make your fortune is to let people see that it is in their interests to promote yours” —Jean de La Bruyere, 17th-century French Writer
Offer incentives and morale boosters
One way managers are discovering how to enrich the workplace is to boost the benefits of working there. The days when benefits packages included nothing more than a health plan and dental coverage are over. Managers like you are getting more and more creative when it comes to providing their employees with uniquely-their-own incentives and morale boosters that contribute to an ever-changing, exciting, and motivating work environment.
Take a fast lesson from some of these world-class companies that are designing their own employee incentives and providing the motivating perks that result in higher performance levels and happier employees!
■Goldman Sachs, New York: When employees work late into the night, the Wall Street firm sends them home in a limo at no cost.
■Valassis Communications, Livonia, Michigan: Employees receive “wheels on loan” if their car is in the shop, “you’ve got it maid” discounts on maid service, and infant car seats to brand new parents.
■MBNA, Wilmington, Delaware: Say “I do” and the firm gives generous wedding gifts to their employees, including limo service on their wedding day, plus $500 and a week of vacation.
■WRQ, Inc., Seattle, Washington: Quirky but true, this integration software provider offers employees a nap room with futons.
■J.M. Smucker, Orrville, Ohio: The famous jam maker enriches the environment with ongoing job rotations to keep employees motivated and interested.
■REI, Kent, Washington: New dads get two weeks paid leave to be with their babies.
■Dell Computer, Round Rock, Texas: Everyone gets a week off at Christmas and 10 paid days a year for personal use. Here are some thoughts on how you can be creative with incentives:
Be flexible with employees: Did you know that helping your employees strike a life balance keeps employee motivation high? Did you also know that the most requested perk on the job is flexibility? Here’s the kind of flexibility employees ask for the most: telecommuting, flex schedules, job sharing, compressed workweek (10-hour days, four days a week), reduction in summer work hours, and time off to take care of personal matters when necessary.
Motivate without money: Yes, it’s possible to motivate workers with little or no money. Here are some ideas: post a thank-you note on an employee’s office door, have a day when managers wash their employees’ cars, answer someone’s telephone for a day, hold morale-building meetings to celebrate successes, leave a card for a lunch date at the employee’s discretion, walk around with dinner gift certificates that can be handed out on the spot, assign a parking spot for an entire month, give two consecutive Fridays off, buy someone flowers, make a contribution to someone’s favorite charity.
Walk the talk: Be the role model for what you expect in others. Also, convey your enthusiasm and remind others that problems can be overcome. Always recognize people who conquer obstacles to achieve results. Focus on the positive side of new ideas. Meet with people individually or in groups, especially when morale is low. Express your optimism and faith in the team. Concentrate on the small, but significant wins, not just the big successes. Make work fun and celebrate a lot!
“People want to feel what they do makes a difference.” —Frances Hesselbein, President, The Drucker Foundation
Give Your Power Away
Let your people be powerful. If you really want to pump them up, then prepare to give your power away.
Even before empowerment became a management buzzword, smart managers were already familiar with the basic principle: when workers feel strong, confident, and capable, they can accomplish more. Those same managers also know that when workers feel unappreciated or insignificant to the overall operation, and when they lack responsibility and authority, they tend to perform down to low management expectations. They also tend to whine and complain a lot.
That’s why the most motivating managers give their power away over and over again. Sure it’s unconventional and many managers resist doing this because they like holding all the power. But think about it for a minute. You’re not there as a manager to hold the power. That’s just a resource—a means toward an end. Your responsibility as a motivating manager is to use your authority to get results and to help your employees perform better. So if giving your power away helps to improve performance, then by all means, that’s exactly what you should be doing.
When you give your power away, you are allowing your employees to share your responsibility and authority. They find greater motivation in their work and little by little you will free yourself from the burden of using whips, carrots, or other extrinsic forces to try to influence them and their behaviors. Here are some additional lessons to achieving that same goal:
Help employees accept responsibility for motivation: When employees rely on themselves to stay motivated, rather than on others, they’re accepting self-responsibility. And when they accept responsibility for themselves, they understand that they also have responsibility for their success. To encourage self-responsibility for motivation, give employees carte blanche responsibility for achieving a specific task or project to make it their own, and give the full authority to do it their way. This will unleash tremendous energy and motivation among your people. Remember, one of the greatest de-motivators is to assign responsibility to someone and then turn around and tell them how to do the job. Top managers won’t make this mistake.
Let the people take the power: Smart managers know the importance of releasing the power within each employee so that he or she can do their best work. When your people take the power, you will be giving them the authority and responsibility to do their jobs efficiently and effectively, on their own. “People have the power” has long been the credo at the famous jeans maker, Levi Strauss & Co., and has helped sustain the company through the fringed ’60s and bell-bottomed ’70s, to the total reinvention of the jeans culture at the turn of the century.
Redefine your role as manager: To do this, start by enlarging every employees’ circle of influence. Then increase signature authority whenever possible. Don’t let employees feel restricted by their titles or positions. Everyone’s a leader. Define jobs more broadly, leaving room for creativity and autonomy. Eliminate cumbersome employee rules and policies. And always support good judgment and common sense. Remember Nordstrom’s employee handbook, which simply states: Rule #1: Use your good judgment in all situations. There will be no additional rules.
“If you want someone to do a good job, give them a good job to do.” —Frederick Herzberg, Management Theorist
Encourage accountability at all times
W hat’s the best way to encourage accountability among your employees? By helping them understand and appreciate the role they play in the big organizational picture. There’s a saying that should make every manager think: “No individual raindrop ever considers itself responsible for the flood.” And on a more positive note: “No individual raindrop ever can take credit for the flowers.” It’s lots of raindrops working together, each making its contribution. People who do extraordinary things do so because they are accountable to themselves first. It’s definitely not just to get a raise or promotion. What pushes each and every one of us to go the extra mile or to climb the highest mountain? It’s self-motivation—motiva-tion that comes from within one’s heart and mind, motivation that holds each person accountable. There truly is no greater human force. Here are some ideas for plugging into that:
Encourage employees to believe in themselves: Whatever actions you may take as a manager, your ultimate goal should be to help all of your employees believe in themselves and believe that they can accomplish what they set out to do. Help your employees accept a sense of accountability for their work. This will not only guide them, but inspire them as well. When a woman by the name of Ffyona

Campbell set out to walk 16,088 kilometers across Africa from Cape Town to Tangiers, it amazed everyone. When asked why she was doing it, she replied, “Because I said I would.” When asked who she said it to, she answered, “Myself.” Ffyona believed in herself, and it was that inner belief and confidence that inspired her to take on the more treacherous terrain on foot and alone. Her self-motivated and extraordinary efforts earned her the title “The Greatest Walker of Them All.”
Help others bridge the gap to achieving goals: Staying self-motivat-ed and accepting responsibility is the bridge between setting goals and reaching them. It’s always the driving force behind people’s achievements. Here are two effective ways to help your employees bridge the gap to achieve their goals. One, help employees face fear. Encourage employees to openly discuss their fears and what scares them most and then take action in spite of those fears. When employees start moving toward their goals, their fears and anxieties will soon dissipate and confidence will begin to strengthen. Two, help employees focus on the end result. Help them visualize what success might look like and then drive toward it.
Hold employees accountable: Being accountable means taking responsibility for your actions and their outcomes. Real accountability goes beyond the performance of a task. It means they feel responsible for their work and for the results they achieve. Here are some tips for holding your employees accountable: develop a list of mutually acceptable performance criteria; connect expectations to employee reviews and put expectations in writing beforehand; establish rewards for success and consequences when a job is done poorly; make excellence the only option and demonstrate a low tolerance for mediocrity.
“We must exchange the philosophy of excuse— what I am is beyond my control—for the philosophy of responsibility.” —Barbara Jordan, lawyer and former member of congress
Build trust for a better tomorrow
Motivation is partly based on a vision of hope—the hope for success from our efforts and for a better future for ourselves. In other words, what life could be. When we believe in the possibilities, for ourselves and for our employees, a brighter tomorrow opens up.
As a manager, one of the most important things you can do for your people is to give them hope. Not just hope by itself, but hope that offers direction, believability, and genuine encouragement. When people have a good sense about their future, it reinforces their enthusiasm and commitment to the work in which they’re involved. It’s motivating. It says there is a payoff to the individual for doing well. Here are other ways managers work toward building a better tomorrow for their employees:
Understand the phenomenon of human potential: Potential is something that may or may not be fully developed in people. Whatever peo-ple’s potential might be, they won’t know unless they have a chance to develop it. And that’s where you as a leader come in. Take time to rent and watch the movie, Phenomenon, starring John Travolta. The film sends a profound message about our untapped potential and is poignantly delivered near the end of the movie by Travolta’s character, George Malley, who says, “I am what everyone can be. I’m the possibility and anyone can get there.” You can help unleash that possibility by encouraging people to try new things and take on new responsibilities.
Build trust: Trust is an essential element in managing people and building a high-performing organization. It’s the foundation upon which all relationships are built. According to Tom Peters, “Technique and technology are important. But adding trust is the issue of the decade.” Peters suggests that managers must take a “high-tech and high-trust” approach, putting the issue of trust at the top of the agenda and treating it like a “hard issue,” not a “soft issue.” If employees feel you don’t trust them to do their jobs correctly, they’ll be reluctant to do much without your approval. On the other hand, when they feel trusted that you can believe they’ll do the right things, they’ll naturally want to do things well and be deserving of your trust.
Show employees they are worthy of your trust: When you put your trust in others, you’re sending a strong message that says, “I think you’re trustworthy.” This tells people that you have faith in their ability and competence and you believe they’ve got what it takes to do the job. Trust is a prerequisite for building confidence in people. Some managers don’t discuss the issue of trust, or they use the word in very limited contexts, often almost negatively. For example, “Now, Matt, I trust you to do this right” means “Don’t screw up, Matt.” And, “We’re trusting you to do your best, Jane” really sends the message, “We’re not sure what’s happening here, so we’re just hoping that you can somehow pull this off.” These, so-called, expressions of “trust” are unlikely to reassure Matt or Jane. Show your trust in employees by allowing them to think for themselves, ask questions, and make their own decisions. Those are the “real” expressions of trust employees can sense and believe. This is how smart managers show that employees they are worthy of their trust.
“The trust that we put in ourselves makes us feel trust in others.” —François de la Rochefoucauld, 17th-century French writer
Boost morale
Morale has to do with the enthusiam and commitment people bring to their jobs everyday. It affects their motivation to perform. Low morale = low motivation. High morale = high motivation. It may not be quite that simple, but there is a direct correlation between morale and motivation.
Every organization depends the relationships that its people have among one another. A high-morale workplace needs to be built on the concepts of trust and integrity. But it’s not enough for you to trust your employees. They’ve got to trust you as well. Employees want to believe that their managers are looking out for their best interests. And the way that happens is for them to experience it everyday on the job. The great thing about this is that the employees (nearly all of them, anyway) will want to reciprocate, looking out for your and the organization’s best interests.
Remember that your people are your greatest and most valuable resource. You may have hired them for their aptitudes, but the key to higher performance lies in their attitudes. The more you can do to build a high-morale workplace, while instilling trust in your employees, the more motivated they will be. Let’s look at some ways you can do this throughout your organization:
Do what you say you will do: Be short on promises and long on fulfillment. Nothing builds trust more than having your words and actions match. Good intentions aren’t enough. Tell your employees you care, and then match that up with deeds that demonstrate it everyday. High morale will follow naturally.
Let integrity be the highest form of intelligence in your organization: Integrity has been described by some as the highest form of human intelligence. Integrity is not only an expansion of human honesty and trustworthiness, it is what remains when we strip away all of our credentials and reputation. It’s our moral fiber and conscience, our principal beliefs and values. And it is also another characteristic of the high-morale workplace.
Be truthful and show your human side: Do you believe in what you are conveying to others? Are you true to yourself? Do you lead by example and do the right things in accordance with your values? You can’t be a good manager if you’re acting in ways that are inconsistent with who you really are and what you believe. Be truthful with people and don’t be afraid to show your human side. It’s OK to share your mistakes, your hopes, and your dreams. Be down to earth and straightforward with people. Employees will respect and appreciate your honesty and your humanity—two more characteristics of the high-morale workplace.
“We must do more than simply do things right—we must also do the right things.” —Excerpt from “Our Values,” Pfizer Pharmaceutical
Make it fun to make it motivating
The data are in and the results are clear! There is a direct correlation between fun on the job and employee productivity, creativity, morale, satisfaction, retention and, yes, you guessed it, profitability— not to mention greater customer satisfaction and a host of other benefits. For example, having fun at work helps to alleviate stress and tension, improve communication, ease conflict, unite people, eliminate boredom and fatigue, and create lots of positive energy!
In other words, people who work in an enjoyable and fun-filled workplace come to see their jobs as a place to fulfill many different needs, reinforcing their motivation to perform at a higher level.
You can certainly train people to do just about anything. But the key to real success and to leading a motivated workforce is having people who really want to do their jobs and who love to come to work. These people enlighten the workplace and energize their coworkers. That’s the big difference having fun at work can make. If you think you’re ready to take life a little less seriously and begin enjoying the benefits of a more fun and happier workplace, consider the following:
Instigate the “fun”damentals of motivation: Let’s say you’re convinced that it’s good business to loosen up and create a fun and more enjoyable workplace—great! But suppose you just don’t know how to go about it? Here are a few tips for setting up the “fun”damentals of motivation where you work:
■ Laugh with people, not at them. ■ Lighten up. Don’t take yourself too seriously.
■ Think with a sense of humor. ■ Adopt a fun and playful attitude.
■ Plan to have a good time every single day. ■ Help others see the lighter side of things.
Need more help? Check out 301 Ways to Have Fun at Work, by Dave Hemsath and Leslie Yerkes and Get Weird! by John Putzier.
Know the connection between fun and the bottom line: Do you want to reduce absenteeism, promote greater job satisfaction, boost employee performance, increase productivity, and suffer less downtime? By encouraging a fun work environment, these will be just a few of the bottom-line benefits you can expect. Also, take time to study some of the world’s most fun organizations. Here are a few fun companies to check out: Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum (Cleveland, Ohio), Virgin Management Limited, Southwest Airlines, Disney, and Ben & Jerry’s. And here’s one more tidbit to consider: a survey of business school deans and business executives revealed that humor plays a significant part in the operation of a healthy, successful business.
Recognize the power of fun: Fun, laughter, humor—it’s all cleansing. It unites us with everyone else who is having fun. It can make it nearly impossible to feel lonely or left out. When we share a laugh, we enjoy the laugh, but we also enjoy the sharing. Fun is motivating because of the pleasure it creates. So when your employees are feeling a bit down, stressed, tired, or just not in the mood to work up to their abilities, a laugh can make a big difference.
“All I wanna do is have some fun. I got a feeling I’m not the only one.” —Sheryl Crow, Recording Artist

Attack de-motivators head on
A s a manager, you directly or indirectly impact your employees’ self-confidence, their desires, their long-term interests, and their overall ability to love what they do for a living. That’s a lot of pres sure on any manager to get it right. This book is full of tips and guidelines to help you positively influence the motivation of your employees. But, let’s face it. We live in demanding and increasingly negative times. No matter how supportive, motivating, or encouraging you may be as a manager, you’re no doubt constantly facing circumstances that negatively influence the motivation of your employees.
So how do you as a leader build and maintain hope in the midst of influences that threaten to de-motivate? Simple. You attack the demotivators head on. Concentrate on putting your energy into what you can do, rather than dwelling on de-motivating circumstances and making their effects worse. If you do this, you will be better able to combat doom and gloom and confront the adversity that negatively affects the motivation of your employees.
Remember that de-motivators are factors that deflate the motivation bubble. They can be events, management decisions, disappointments, a lack of praise and rewards, and so on. Zeroing in on what’s causing your people to feel deflated can help you to attack the de-motivators and keep them at bay. There are three specific areas you need to be aware of in which you can build organizational strength so that your employees can better handle de-motivating situations:
Hire for the best fit: The best way to counter de-motivation is to prevent it, and sometimes the problem can be with the people you hire. There are folks who tend to get de-motivated quite easily or who are just negative in one way or another. Since you can’t count on overcoming a person’s psychological issues, it’s best to avoid hiring such people. Put some time into screening out candidates who seem likely to suffer from motivation problems.
Hold on to your best employees by creating an environment that offers lots of feedback and builds confidence: Losing good people is a definite de-motivator. To avoid that, give your employees accurate and honest feedback and praise. Feedback strengthens employees and builds confidence, even when it’s corrective. Ask your employees how they would like to receive feedback from you. You’ll be establishing a foundation that helps to avoid surprises and minimize de-motivating discomfort. Managers who create an environment rich with honest feedback and praise encourage employee cooperation and trust and higher levels of performance and productivity.
Protect people’s dignity and self-respect at all times: One of the greatest de-motivators for employees is having their dignity undermined. Create an environment that encourages employees to respect one another. Some tips for doing this: never criticize an employee in front of others; offer corrective feedback only in private; never point a finger at someone—it’s demeaning and unprofessional; never use a condescending tone of voice; never attack someone personally; focus on professional behaviors and performance only; and finally, if you expect others to respect your sense of dignity, you should show them the same respect.
“There’s only one way to know how strong employee motivation is throughout your company—ask the people who actually work there. If the de-motivators are seeping in, then it’s time to put the kibosh on any and all de-motivators in a hurry!” —Anonymous
Retain your employees
F or a manager, it all comes down to keeping the people who keep your business in business. Is your culture one that turns people on and gets them excited about coming to work? Are all employees treated with dignity? Do their jobs have a meaningful purpose? That’s important to retaining your best employees. It’s only natural that people want to work and stay at a place that embraces caring and respect for others.
When you hire and invest in people, you create a valuable asset, and you want to hold on to them and keep them feeling motivated. So what have we found out about doing this? Research and surveys have proven time and again that it’s not about the money, titles, or shareholder value. And let’s face it, you may not have much power to control those aspects anyway. It all comes back to creating an environment where people want to work and will do just about anything to get hired and keep their jobs. Managers who understand this work toward building a reputation in their organization that says, “Everyone wants to work here.” The Men’s Wearhouse is a good example of high employee retention. New hires spend about four days in one of the 30 sessions held yearly at the corporate university. The cost to the company? A cool million. The return on investment? Lower turnover than any of its competitors in the industry. And all managers know that the hiring process is complicated, time-consuming, and filled with uncertainty. Minimize having to do that by holding on to the people you have. Here are some additional pointers and ideas to remember for motivating and retaining your talent:
Know what keeps the people who keep you in business: It comes down to creating an environment where your employees feel right— a culture that suits them—like at Google, one of the Web’s most successful and growing search engines. Here employees play roller hockey during work hours, bring their dogs to work, and eat lunch and dinner for free in the company café. The result? Employees work long, hard hours and love their jobs.
Understand the reasons employees stay: It’s not about the money. Top performers want to work in a pleasant and progressive environment where they feel valued and respected. Money is secondary.
Let values and attitude be your guide: What people know is far less important than what they are. Organizations like Nordstrom, Rosenbluth International, Nucor Steel, and JetBlue believe that a truly successful organization is based on finding people with the right mindset, values, and attitude, not simply experience. Hiring people whom you want to keep is an important step in building a culture that makes people want to stay with you.
“Recruit your people everyday, even though your crew is already on board.” —Mike Abrashoff, Founder, Grassroots Leadership LLC, Boston, MA
Put heart and soul into your team
In this global society in which we work, we tend to first learn about such things as business operations, finance, marketing strategy, productions, customer service, and so on. That can mean that as managers we sometimes neglect the fact that, at their very core, organizations are about people and the relationships they develop in working together.
It’s the people and the teams they create that turn individual employees into a community of people working together to achieve individual and shared goals. And it’s because managers care about their people that this actually becomes possible. There’s a saying that goes: “People don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care.” Why? Because when you care about your employees, you create an atmosphere where they care about you and about each other. It turns on their motivation to perform well and to want to improve.
If you genuinely care about your employees and show them, you’ll be meeting their basic need to be cared about. You’ll be motivating them with heart and soul. And it’s that special feeling of reassurance that will help them find greater motivation to work harder and smarter.
Inspire motivated teamwork: Making a difference and collaborating with others to achieve a goal are two of the most powerful motivators for accomplishing challenging work. Put these two things together and you have the potential for a high-performing team. Do all you can to show your appreciation for the contributions an employee makes and by being a leader who promotes and facilitates teamwork.
Lead from the heart: The word “encouragement” has as its root the Latin word cor, which means “heart.” When you encourage employees, you actually give them heart. You lead them with feeling. When Barbara Walters interviewed General Norman Schwarzkopf following the Gulf War, she asked him how he would most like to be remembered. His answer was from the heart: That he loved his family. That he loved his troops. And that they loved him. Motivating leadership is an affair of the heart and such leaders care about their employes and their organizations. Employees will naturally and positively respond to this.
Encourage team spirit: Smart managers know that team spirit unifies. Transforming a group of individuals into a team provides unification and a common sense of interest and direction. Keep in mind that as the manager, you are setting the tone. Your actions and attitudes directly affect the environment in which your team must perform. Here are some suggestions for encouraging team spirit:
Give teams a clearly defined goal and purpose.
Let the team make its own rules.
Encourage fun and a sense of humor on the job.
Give employees the authority to make decisions and act on them.
Be supportive. Do what you promise to do.
Let the team find solutions to its problems without intervening.
Allow team members to make financial decisions and create their own budgets.
Expect ups and downs. Some phases of a project will run more smoothly than others.
Let the team set up a reward system.
“Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success.” —Henry Ford
Unleash the power of human potential
Did you know that your brain’s capacity is practically unfathomable? In terms of its intricacies and power, the brain surpasses even the latest technologies. It can actually process up to 30 billion bits of information per second through the equivalent of more than 6,000 miles of computer wiring. The fuel that fires up your brain is pretty simple: oxygen in the blood and a little glucose, and bingo, you’ve got energy. And without energy, there can be no synergy in your organization.
When people feel tired or listless, they don’t accomplish nearly as much as they’re capable of accomplishing. When you work on increasing your employees’ energy, you help them move toward a better life working together. That’s what synergy really means—working together. It’s a simple, natural concept that managers like you are learning to adopt in their business practices. As management experts stress the importance of “smart work” and “intellectual capital,” managers and supervisors are realizing the importance of these synergistic qualities and the benefits they can produce within the team’s structure. This book has given you lots of ways for getting the best from your employees. The guidelines and tips offered were meant to get you thinking—thinking about the potential that lies within you and all of your employees, the phenomenal power of all that intelligence, creativity, curiosity, and energy. As a manager and leader, it is imperative that you make the most of all that potential around you. The results will be well worth your efforts, as the synergy you develop will keep growing, building, and motivating for a long time to come. In the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Make the most of yourself ... for that is all there is of you.” Here are some more ways that managers unleash the power of human potential in their employees:
Train ’em: The saying goes, “Knowledge is power.” It is not. What is powerful is how knowledge is used. So what kind of training programs do you provide to help employees gain new knowledge and use it effectively? Training helps employees improve their skills and per-formance—and it shows in yet another way that you care about them.
Coach ’em: Once you’ve invested in your employees’ learning and development, it’s time to start a coaching program. You go to a lot of trouble to maintain your computers and other equipment. But when it comes to sustaining the motivation of your employees, it’s easy to forget that they too must be “maintained.” Coaching is an effective way to maintain employee motivation. Here’s the definition of the word “coach”: “Someone who lends experience, encouragement, and understanding to inspire someone to his or her best performance.”
Love ’em: Like the hit song by Tina Turner asks, “What’s love got to do with it?” The answer: everything! The truly successful manager is a manager who actually loves his or her people and demonstrates this love by encouraging a loving atmosphere on the job. Simply put, “love” in this context means that you’re concerned about your people and their success, that you feel glad when they succeed, and that you are willing to help them out and go the extra distance when they need it. The feeling of a loving and caring work environment is the essence of inspiring motivated teamwork.
“Work can provide the opportunity for spiritual and personal, as well as financial, growth. If it doesn’t, then we’re wasting far too much of our lives on it.” —James A. Autry, Love and Profit: The Art of Caring Leadership
“How important is motivation? It makes all the difference. You may be the most knowledgeable, experienced, talented, and capable manager in the world. But if your employees are lacking in motivation, mediocrity will creep into your organization.”

“If you eliminate obstacles that hold back the individuals responsible for the success or failure of a project, you’ll create an environment that encourages natural motivation and team spirit.”
Other Titles in the McGraw-Hill
Professional Education Series
The Welch Way: 24 Lessons from the World’s Greatest CEO
by Jeffrey A. Krames (0-07-138750-1)
Quickly learn some of Jack Welch’s winning management practices in 24 basic lessons. A great way to introduce yourself and your employees to the principles that made Jack Welch one of the most successful CEOs ever.
The Lombardi Rules: 26 Lessons from Vince Lombardi—the World’s Greatest Coach
by Vince Lombardi, Jr. (0-07-141108-9)
A quick course on the rules of leadership behind Coach Vince Lombardi and how anyone can use them to achieve extraordinary results.

Personality profiles by the month of birth

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JANUARY - Stubborn. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught.
Never looks at people's flaws or weaknesses. Hardworking and productive.
Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to
make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tense. Rather reserved.
Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Loving and
loyal. Loves children. Has great social abilities. Money cautious, can
budget successfully.
___________________________________________ ___
FEBRUARY - Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent
and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental.
Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals.
Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too
sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show
it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows
it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp.
Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside.
Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show
emotions.
______________________________________________
MARCH - Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved.
Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and
serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered.
Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses
others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves
attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decor.
Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.
______________________________________________
APRIL - Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret.
Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves
attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems.
Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous.
Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself
and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that
only their lover can see.
______________________________________________
MAY - Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated.
Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention.
Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs
no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream.
Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and
neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature
and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislikes being at home. Restless. Not
having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.
______________________________________________
JUNE - Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite.
Has lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitates, tends to put
things off. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and
humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer.
Friendly. Makes friends easily. Shows character. Easily hurt. Prone to
getting colds. Easily bored. Fussy and stubborn. Seldom shows emotions.
Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious.
______________________________________________
JULY - Fun to be with. Secretive. Sometimes, difficult to understand.
Quiet unless excited or tense. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation
for hard work. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful.
Friendly, but not always approachable. Emotionally temperamental. Moody
and easily hurt. Witty. Not mean or revengeful. Forgiving but never
forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and illogical things. Sensitive and forms
friendships carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong
sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations.
No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Broods about the past
and misses old friends. Quiet, homey person. Has difficulty making new
friends. Prone to having dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily
hurt but takes long to recover.
______________________________________________
AUGUST - Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and
fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console
others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride of oneself. Thirsty
for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked.
Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly.
Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream.
Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor
resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty.
Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.
______________________________________________
SEPTEMBER - Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized.
Stubborn. Quiet. Uncomfortable if have to talk to a group. Calm.
Sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well. Very
confident. Sensitive. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and
knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when
criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Secretive. Loves
sports and leisure. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings.
Very choosy, especially in relationships.
______________________________________________
OCTOBER - Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to take
things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Sexy. Gets angry often.
Treats friends importantly. Always making new friends. Easily hurt but
recovers easily. Day dreamer. Loyal. Opinionated. Does not care what
others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance Loves to travel,
the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Honest, does not
pretend. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily
influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.
______________________________________________
NOVEMBER - Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward.
Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and
strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality.
Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less
talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and
hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never gives
up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks
differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not
appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and
emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homey. Hardworking.
High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to
control emotions.
______________________________________________
DECEMBER - Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Impatient and hasty.
Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize.
Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy.
Not pretending. Short-tempered, but level-headed. Changing personality.
Not egotistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions and
rejections. Loves to joke. Good sense of
humor. Logical. Good communicator. High abilities. Handles money well.
Thinks and reacts quickly. Poised. Confident. Impressive.
Optimistic. Spontaneous. Tough but sensitive. Wants to please
others. Strong people orientation. Enjoys helping others solve problems.
Always reaching out to others.

Outlining Characters and Writing Scenes

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For this section, you will learn how to outline characters and learn how to write scenes using different types of dialogue.
Suggested Reading Assignment
(1) You Can Write A Mystery by Gillian Roberts Chapters Five and Fourteen.
Suggested Writing Assignment
(1) Make a list of each character. Use a separate page for each one. Then start writing down the characteristics that you would like to attach to a particular character. The following lists will help you form your characters.
(2) Take your list of characters and write four short scenes illustrating a scene for each of the following types of dialogue: summary, direct dialogue, indirect dialogue, and direct address. These scenes don't have to be the ones you will use in your story.
Outlining Your Characters
You will first learn how to outline your characters. There are different aspects of a character's personality that you need to know and to develop in your story. By outlining your characters, you will be able to understand them and to make them more realistic. Readers want to identify with specific characters. That's why it's important to make them realistic.
Characters and Their Histories
Gillian Roberts mentions that "a character can do anything you like if he has a reason and the reason comes out of his history."(22). The history of a character is important so that you will know what kind of person your character is. You wouldn't want to develop a character who is not like his past. That would make your story and character development inconsistent. Everything in your story needs to be consistent and fit together in an organized manner. She also has a list of different characteristics that you should list about each character. After each one, she suggests questions, etc. to help writers think about their outline and what they want their characters to be like. You may or may not use everything that is listed. Your outline has to be the way you want it for your own personal use.
Characters - Their Outer and Inner Lives
Noah Lukeman in his book The Plot thickens takes three chapters to discuss characters. In his first chapter, he discusses the outer life of characters. For example, this could include activities such as sports, education, family, pets, occupation, etc.
In his second chapter, he talks about the inner life of characters. This could include, religious beliefs, emotions, relationships, habits, etc.
Chapter three is about how to develop the characters you created in the first two chapters. This chapter focuses on how to develop the characters in your story. You first learned about the outer life, then their inner life, and now, you'll learn how to put those characteristics together to create your characters. You also need to answer the following questions: Who do you want to be the protagonist to be? What about the villain? Who are the suspects? What are their motives? What weapons would be available to each character? etc.? All of these chapters explain in detail how to develop your characters so that you can use them in the stories that you write.
Character Tags
In How To Write Mysteries by Shannon OCork, she suggests that "[you] could make a list of your characters and tag them as the list is made, even if you change a tag or two later." (68) She lists different characters and this a a short paragraph about each character.
When you introduce a character, Shannon OCork suggests that "you have them on each character when he's introduced and carry one along for a while, until the readers know everybody well. Then you need only refer to a tag when you want to." (69) It's important to tell something about a character when you introduce that person because readers need to know something about him or her.
Writing Your Scenes
Gillian Roberts discusses three different types of dialogue: summaries, indirect dialogue, and direct dialogue.
Summaries
A summary is just narration. The narrator is stating the action of the characters and what they are saying to each other in his/her own words. The following passage is an example of a summary:
Noticing the sun beginning to set, they knew it was almost supper time. They parked their bicycles and planned what they would say to their parents. Christy always liked to think of things before she made a decision. She pondered over their situation. The sparkle in Christy's eyes showed Megan she had come up with a plan.
The two girls had parked their bicycles and planned what they would say to their parents. This statement is a summary of what they were doing. It doesn't state specifically what they were saying to each other.
Indirect Dialogue
Indirect dialogue is when the narration is more specific about the details of the conversation between two people. Below is a passage of indirect dialogue:
Example of Indirect Dialogue
During breakfast, their father told them they could stay home or go to the park while their mother and he ran some errands.
In this passage, the narrator is showing readers that Christy and Megan's father is talking to them about the things they could do while their parents were gone. He is not speaking directly to them. He is telling them they could stay home or go to the park.
Example Number Two
Their mother interrupted the conversation and told Megan she had to stay in her room during the morning. This statement reveals what their mother wants Megan to do without saying it directly. It indicates their mother's intentions. She didn't want Megan to go anywhere. She wanted Megan to stay in her room.
Direct Dialogue
Direct dialogue is used when there is something specific you want to mention and there is action. The characters are speaking to each other. There is action in the passage by what they are saying and wanting to do.
The following example is taken from my book that I have written titled "Strange Happenings." In a previous passage, Christy and Megan were worried about a conversation they had overheard. They didn't want their mom to sign the papers. They thought their parents were getting a divorce. They didn't know the papers involved getting a house in the country. Their parents wanted to surprise them.
Example of Direct Dialogue
"We have to find those papers," Christy insisted.
"We don't have much time. Mom said she was going to read them today."
"I've got to find out what's going on," Christy said.
"How are we going to get the papers?"
"When we come home from school, we can sneak into Dad's office and find them."
"What if Mom's already signed them?" Megan asked.
"Maybe we should look for them before we go to school," Christy suggested.
All three of these types of dialogue can be used in your stories.
Direct Address
Another example that Gillian Roberts uses is Direct Address. She also cautions writers to not use it too often because we don't speak that way in reality. Direct address is when someone you are talking with says your name at the beginning of the conversation. In normal speech people wouldn't say "Christy, how are you today?" People would normally say, "How are you today?"
Example of Direct Address
After their mother left the room, Megan looked at Christy and said, "Christy, let's follow Dad again."
Megan is using direct address by saying Christy's name before she says the rest of her statement. That is unnecessary because readers already know that Megan is speaking to Christy since they are the only ones in the room.
Also,it is already stated that Megan is speaking to Christy: Megan looked at Christy and said.
Then, she uses "Christy, let's follow Dad again." The better way to make that statement is to have said, "Let's follow Dad again."

Notes from the Book Why Can’t Men Open Up? by Steven Naifeh and Gregory White Smith

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Why Can’t Men Open Up? By Steven Naifeh and Gregory White Smith, ©1984 by Woodward/White, Inc. Notes from the Book

Don’t allow your emotions to control you; you control your emotions. If you feel pain – physical or emotional – don’t let that raw feeling out. Absorb and refine it. Only show the world what you choose to. The more something affects you, the less you show it. You can cry when your team loses, but if you cry when your dad dies, you’re admitting too much.
Hurting is inevitable, both physically and emotionally. Injury is likely and pain inevitable. Physical sufferings is minimized. A man is cheered for suppressing his feelings – for gritting his teeth and bearing it. He’s condemned for allowing feelings to show. A man is allowed to weep maybe if his whole family’s been killed. Men see tears as “losing it,” a betrayal, treachery by their feelings against their manhood. Pain, pleasure, sadness, fear and love well up and wash over a man, but he must carefully regulate their expression. It’s unmanly to be passionate.
Never give in to emotions. You may be affected by them, but never controlled by them. Reason, not feeling, is the master. Men learn to fake it. Fake self-confidence when you’re in a panic, fake knowledge when at a loss, fake interest when indifferent, and surprisingly, men fake orgasms, too.
Men must reject, suppress or ignore their feelings.
There are no irascible (irritable, grumpy, hot-tempered), crabby genes. Men are not naturally cold and unreachable.
A common plot – the grumpy, lonely man, pestered, then won, by a child’s persistent need for love.
Men and women are not just built differently. The emotions are the same but thresholds are different – what it takes to elicit a response.
Many men really do not like women. They consider them predatory and manipulative, while subservient, lacking strength of character, and intellectual lightweights. Some are so afraid of their own feminine feelings and dependence upon women that it leads to hostility. The possibility of rejection is associated with dependence.
Men fight the world. Every man has been deeply hurt by a woman at some time in his life – that woman is his mother, who failed to satisfy all his desires. Women are seen as fearful, indecisive, physically weak, squeamish about seeing blood, unadventurous, more easily hurt and killed than men (more tender), afraid of getting wet or fearful of electric shock. They scream in emergencies instead of taking charge.
Men taste pain, feel joy, shed tears, heed love, suffer jealousy, but often in silence and alone. Being emotionally open risks getting hurt. He doesn’t want to let a woman into his life. His heart aches with love but his lips won’t budge. He guards his feelings or denies them, holds himself at a safe distance from others’ emotions. Competitive, aggressive, thick-skinned, goal-oriented. A rock of strength and endurance. Independent. Just plods ahead.
Women get what they want by pleasing others. Men protect their feelings from people who could hurt them.
His emotions, desires, and dreams were just below the surface. Some expressions of feelings are just meant to manipulate the other person – emotional blackmail and bullying. Confusing to tell your troubles in a self-centered way versus genuine emotional sharing between people who care about each other.
In opening up, a man fulfills his need for catharsis but also the other’s need for empathy. He has a need to be cared about and she has a need to care.
Love for a woman can become sexual domination, for another man as a handshake or slap on the back, a child as a strong disciplinary hand. Many men express tenderness by toughness. Control and repression hides innocence, authenticity, and spontaneity in every man. Feel free to smile and cry, to touch and to be touched.
There is the notion that men have it better and enjoy certain privileges and reap benefits of cultural favoritism. Men have greater achievement but lower emotional.
Boys don’t cry. Men learn to take themselves very seriously.
Crab apple wars.
Hardship is savored, pain is good for you, and competition is man’s highest achievement.
Has trouble admitting he’s wrong. The man is usually the one who says “I love you, too,” instead of being to one to say, “I love you.”
Women are limited by their dependency and are seldom self-sufficient or independent. They’re traditionally expected to raise children and maintain the family. Men do the business sin the community and provide for their families.
Men are visual, with good hand-eye coordination, spatial, math, and gym skills. They enjoy visual sexual stimulation like Playboy magazine.
Women are verbal and have better cognitive skills, and enjoy reading and writing. They prefer the sexual stimulation of romance novels.
Men have constant pressure to prove themselves, to compete. Goal-oriented, competitive, in control, and independent, inexpressive, obsessed with goals, a need to be in control. The point is ‘the point.’
They enjoyed each other’s company. Wanted to be together not for business or to achieve some goal but because they took pleasure in a quiet exchange of observations, ideas and emotions. A free-flowing conversation unusually unknown to men. They enjoyed each other’s company.
Most men need reasons for everything. They have to be doing; being together is not enough. But intimate conversation can be trivial, silly, playful and without clear objectives.
Men get bored after a woman says yes and he gets the conquest of sex, emotions, or marriage and there’s no longer a goal for him or a prize to be won. His interest and his desire wanes.
The goal of a man in sex is orgasm. They want and need their partner’s orgasm as a sexual gold medal. They want the genuine applause and response of their audience of one. Men often don’t know how to touch, hug, cuddle or caress without wanting to proceed immediately to intercourse.
Winning isn’t everything – it’s the only thing!
A guy with a wife won’t risk his life it she’s waiting for him. A man with a wife and family makes compromises – without them he can afford to accept the impossible challenge and fight the good fight.
To really be a man, the cowboy had to be alone.
He had to reject any demands from those close to him. Emotional intimacy with a woman must be on a no demands basis. He cannot respond to her demands or he loses control.
He finds it easier to support a woman if she doesn’t demand support; to give love if she doesn’t request it; to answer if she doesn’t ask.
Some men fear women will trap them in intimacy and then betray them or be unfaithful. They distrust. Girls want pretty things and pretty smells and to be cuddled and kissed. Most of all, they want to be wives. Men’s wants are more basic, so they may weaken and let a promise slip off his tongue while he’s panting heavily with desire. Then he’s dead. And he deserves it.
Women who are searching for husbands “bag them,” “set a trap,” finally “catch” one, “land” him, “got her man.” A man is quite a catch/prize/find. The more directly a man is confronted with emotions from a woman, the more he may feel ambushed. Women use tears as weapons, to badger, pressure, manipulate, and lay guilt trips. They cry when they want something or when you do anything not in keeping with their desires. Instead of allies, men treat women as adversaries.
Sons keenly watch their fathers. Chauvinistic domination exercises absolute power over the son, then the son grows up to dominate his wife and family. The failure of a son is a father’s very special pain. The ultimate withdrawal of love is absence – emotional and physical distance.
Men obtain protection by withdrawal. If nothing is extended, nothing can be cut off. If a man doesn’t care about another person, he can’t be hurt by the failings or withdrawal of that person. A father might teach his son that men don’t offer love to others.
Two men can possess a strong friendship, camaraderie, self-sacrifice in the face of danger, and undying devotion, selfless, intimate and enduring. They may travel to the Wild West, a mountain cabin, a local bar, or the bowling alley. Close male friends create their own special world.
Women evoke responsibility; where there are men, there is freedom. Men share with each other things they will not share with women. However, the reality doesn’t always live up to the legend.
There is no emotional support or sharing of problems. Men don’t make real friends. The closeness of men under fire is not based on mutual interests or shared emotions but on solidarity in the face of danger, arbitrary and undiscriminating. “Best friends” are drawn together by the common experience of loneliness and danger. They are accidents of association like accident victims, not of two people caring for each other in an alliance of love. Their friendships with other men are inarticulate, informal and sometimes outright lazy.
There’s an edge of competition that makes it sharp and exhilarating.
However, the fear of homosexuality can inhibit intimacy between men. They touch with exaggerated roughness – a slap on the back, firmly gripped hand, sharp jab on the shoulder. Contact is brief and hard – best if it hurts just a little. Nothing tender or gentle.
Men can enjoy intimacy in groups, boys’ night out, to relieve their loneliness, nonthreatening and free from implications of forbidden sexuality. They find companionship but rarely emotional intimacy.
Most men now find it easier to open up and share emotional intimacy with women than with other men, preferring the company of women. Women are experienced as the primary validators of masculinity. Almost all married men say their wives are their only close friends and the only person they really trust and their primary confidants.
The presence in a man’s life of a strong relationship with another man can reinforce and enrich his capacity for intimacy. There can be a fear of alienating their sole source of intimacy.
Discourse among men is a sport in which points are scored with decisive finger jabs and conclusive table poundings while adversaries (the other participants in the conversation) are blocked with shoulder thrusts or tackled with sudden interruptions. They believe talk should have an objective to make it worthwhile, to change someone else’s ideas or actions.
Men take control in a conversation. Male students controlled ¾ of class discussions in college. In mixed groups of 6 or more, men generally speak most of the time; the conversation is centered on topics of interest to men, women tend to smile and ask questions of the men, and men tend to interrupt more often and in less supportive ways.
Men control by interrupting and redirecting to subjects they find more agreeable. They usually ignore interruptions by women. Thus, they win. They are unable to admit to being vulnerable. Real men don’t have doubts, hopes or ambitions that may not be realized, self-loathing or hate or dislike, or fears and disappointments.
Men use a language of facts, specifications, performance, details, focused on the quantifiable, verifiable and definite, not on elusive emotions. The emphasis is on information, not analysis, results, not reasons.
Men don’t want to hear about men’s problems. They want a pretty girl admiring them.
You can trace the degree to which two people are becoming intimate by watching how their talk moves from factual information to intimate revelation. Generally, new acquaintances restrict their conversation to facts. As they know each other better, they begin to trust each other with opinions. Finally, if they have become genuine friends, emotions will emerge. A transaction from facts to feelings.
Men do have bursts of intuition, irrational urges, and emotional reactions, but they’re taught not to trust them.
“I don’t care how you feel. I’m interested in your brain, not your stomach.”
A man gets in the habit of hiding his emotions behind a façade of facts.
Men’s favorite conversations are about work, sports, and sex.
Linguistics and speaking styles vary considerably between men and women. Men speak even and unemotional. Women use emphasis and emotion. Women reach for extremes. A man is angry, but a woman is enraged or indignant. A man thinks something is great where a woman thinks it’s marvelous. Women use intensifiers, e.g. so, very, etc. to convey conviction. Men avoid intensity. They even talk “in control,” in a monotone and rely for emphasis by pauses, the masculinity of the words and casual profanity, rare in women’s speech. E.g. “It’s such a nuisance.” versus “It’s a damn nuisance.”
Women tend to undercut their statements with questioning tags, e.g. “Isn’t it?” “Don’t they?” If the question isn’t added explicitly, she’ll add it implicitly by her voice tone going up into inquiry. Men tend to compensate for tentativeness with exaggerated certainty. “God, it’s a great book.”
Men are competitive in their speech; women, cooperative. Men give commands, women make requests. When men try to express feelings, they neither say what they mean nor mean what they say. They resist expressing themselves directly. They only hint at love instead of coming right out and saying “I love you.” He protects himself with indirection which allows him to test a woman’s feelings without revealing his own, to see if she will lower her guard before he lowers his, to asses her vulnerability without surrendering his own. Indirection is a toe in the water. It saves a man from rejection, a fate worse than freezing.
Where honesty invites honesty, if a man tells a woman she’s made him unhappy, he may hear that she doesn’t care. If he says “I love you,” he may get silence in return. Any direct statement of emotion is a gamble some men aren’t willing to take. An indirect statement leaves the speaker in control. If the response isn’t the one he seeks, he can claim, also indirectly by a laugh or puzzled look, that she misunderstood what he said.
Some men who’re afraid to reveal their feelings resort to teasing and joking, serving as a barrier and a false front which helps them avoid the need to reveal true emotions. Through teasing, men can displace affection as well as hostility. Teenage boys use this with friends they like. Adult men use it to establish contact with children.
A man’s most difficult or serious feelings are most likely to surface in the guise of humor. A man may shield himself from potential hurt by finding little time for calls, correspondence or contact with a woman he cares about but is insecure about, even if his worries consume him night and day. He may express his anxieties through joking. Though it’s easy to see through his bravado as it often is with men who are driven to express their deepest fears in the clown suit of humor.
Why is it so hard for en to say “I love you”? Men balk at saying it and feel they’ve expressed their love in hundreds of ways, daily gestures, routine comments said with a special emphasis. The feeling is more important than the phrase. It can be cloaked in a factual statement (You’re the best friend a guy could have.), hidden in a pledge of support (You can count on me.), mentioned indirectly (I want you to be there.), or buried in a joke (Why do I put up with you?). It may come as a clap on the back, a laugh, or just a look that says (You and I are the only two sane people in the world.)
It is not that men don’t express affection but the way they express it is not experienced as an expression by most women. From “They’re playing our song” to “I think I’ll trade her in for a new one,” men express their love in a language most women don’t know. “Is dinner ready?” can mask grand passions.
Very often women don’t really want men to open up. They may fear intimacy and respond warily to men who offer it. Women choose closed men on purpose. It’s no accident. Women are affected by the same stereotypes of men as men are. They are sexually attracted to men who are aloof and unknowable. It’s part of what turns them on. They feel vaguely cheated when the cowboy who won their hearts with a steady gaze and choice words unexpectedly exposes a soft heart filled with unromantic anxieties. Silence is sexy, an irresistible allure.
Women traditionally rely heavily on men for their economic and emotional support. A man who shows anxiety, doubt or weakness threatens their security. A man with a problem is like a boat with a leak. Sometimes a woman’s first thought it isn’t that the boat needs repair but that she might drown.
Women are drawn to men who respond to “I need you” with a strong hand and “I love you” with a silent stare. The closed men is a frustration and an enduring fascination. He is unresponsive and inaccessible, who refuses to share his feelings or give emotional support – the shadowy romantic male who lurks in many women’s fantasies.
You don’t want to depend upon a vulnerable man. You want considerate behavior from a man that proves you can depend on him. They look upon men as their rescuers or salvation.
The sex kitten of a man’s fantasies has to be able to transform herself into the mother of his memories, a sultry mistress by night and a conscientious homemaker by day. He expects the impossible no less than a woman who wants a vulnerable stud and a mysterious friend.
A men is often paralyzed by his fears of rejection, dependence, or that he’s not the man he ought to be. However much she might want to, no woman can alter the circumstances of a man’s past. She can alter the present. She might even be giving off signals that she doesn’t really want him to open up. Does she want him to remain strong and silent? A change in their relationship may demand more intimacy than she is willing to give.
Emotional fulfillment is more important than aloofness and competitiveness. Feelings are there even when you deny them. In the end, only the man has the power to open up.
A woman’s approach of support may be seen as a threat to his independence: manipulation, an attack. He retreats. There is a way for a woman to move closer without triggering a man’s fear of dependence or seeming dependent herself. Don’t be dependent and demanding. Many men find this behavior unattractive, midway between a whine and an order, relying on the power of guilt and coercion, and it throws up a red flag that says “manipulation.” Be independent and giving.
Giving is different from subordination, being constantly available and never offering a moment’s difficulty or disagreement. Love doesn’t require such a sacrifice. Don’t feel you always have to be attractive and helpless so men won’t hurt you or reject you, putting men on a pedestal. This leads to a buildup of resentment. Men feel the need to reciprocate such dependent behavior and his emotional-detachment defense mechanisms are triggered and he moves out of reach. She gets angry at his lack of affection to commensurate her sacrifices.
Don’t demonstrate your independence by being bossy, demanding, calling him on the carpet, getting angry. Men generally react negatively to demands from women, especially if she is belligerent or emotional.
Let him be distance when he’s in a bad mood, let him complain when he’s had a hard day, let him have moments of privacy. Don’t be inclined to endow men with too much power and subordinate yourself into a position of dependence. Don’t become demanding to assert your independence. Distance yourself from your man’s problems instead of seeing him struggling as a rejection of you. He is not an all powerful man depriving you; he is flawed like you and needs your strength and tenderness. Give him rest and set him free. Give him respite from the demands of masculinity and independence.
Become independent, elusive, and mysterious, and a man will climb mountains to go after you.
Attraction, withdrawal and stalemate is a pattern women can get caught in.
Attraction, stage one: new relationship, suitor and mistress role playing. Test of male prowess. Rooster strutting his colors to attract the hen. Winning the “prize” bolsters his masculine self esteem. This winning may require more than a show of feathers or sexual potency, like a show of affection, indications of openness and a willingness to give emotionally when called upon. Even a closed men is on good behavior in this first stage and can allow a level of vulnerability and intimacy he won’t permit later on.
The relationship settles into a routine and he gets closed, uncommunicative, silent and withdrawn. Compelled by his intense desire for intimate and lasting sexual involvement with a woman, a man may at first be delighted to find himself involved in the stable, captivating relationship he has longed for. But the very fulfillment of long standing and insistent desires for sexual acceptance and gratification can evoke deep seated fears of becoming too open, too vulnerable, and the risk of painful depression should the relationship fail.
Reactions are to either take up with another woman simultaneously or bolt the relationship altogether. They are terrified or becoming engulfed and so make a fetish of freedom. They refuse to commit themselves to a single woman even for a short time for fear of becoming too dependent. For most men, the attraction of intimacy is too strong to abandon so easily. They stay in the relationship but withdraw psychologically.
Intimacy involved commitment and choice, closing off of other possibilities, the decision that this one is for keeps. Men give up certain freedoms and run the risk of failing. Women perceive this and request reassurance, some subtle insistence that the man stop holding himself back from real commitment, which the man sees as a demand.
Withdrawal, stage two: Ironically this stage often follows an outward sign of commitment, typically moving in together or marriage. The man may feel suddenly trapped but the public commitment has brought anxieties and fears to the surface. The minute they marry, no more courtship, flowers or attention.
His fear of dependence on her may cause a reaction of hostility and resentment, so he emotionally detaches himself to control the torrent of unexpected feelings.
A woman may fear being suffocated in a relationship as much as a man. But to a man, dependence is equated with weakness. Guilt is a demanding emotion. Transition from attraction to withdrawal is marked by the transition of the woman’s role from mistress to mother. He wants to be her “good little boy” so he doesn’t share anything that might tarnish his image.
Stalemate, stage three: The relationship slips into a pattern of mutual withdrawal and emotional distance. He is sullen, moody, isolated, given to long periods of silence and sudden, unexplained outbursts of emotion. The man in this stage resists sharing even major emotional problems, such as job insecurity, death, illness or impotence. Nothing contrasts more sharply with the masculine image of self-confidence, rationality, and control and disillusions women.
To break free from this pattern, a woman must add the role of friend so she can override a man’s protective mechanisms and establish an intimate relationship immune from approach-avoidance inner conflict. To the mistress, a man is the lover. To the mother, he is the perfect son. Only to a friend can a man open up entirely without fearing dependence or loss of his masculinity.
They start out sexually attracted but stability comes with friendship. With commitment and love, almost any relationship can be remade into a friendship that provides both sexual and emotional fulfillment.
Often in the first stage of a relationship the primary source of inner conflict for a man is sex, as both a proving ground for his masculinity and an invitation to intimacy. Sex becomes the focus of his fears of dependence. Sex accelerates a relationship. The old way, when sex was the natural and beautiful culmination of the long process of getting to know someone intimately, had its advantages.
Nowadays, a woman tells herself she has to sleep with a man or he’s going to find someone else. However, if you want to build a relationship, hold off! Wait until you have some depth of shared emotional experiences. Plan for the long haul. True intimacy is the gradual breakdown of the barriers people form to protect their egos, the sharing of life experience.
Learn about each other and develop mutual trust. By the time you face the challenge of sex, you’re already good friends. Premature sexual intimacy can trigger defensive mechanisms in a man. One symptom is the falling off of sexual attention. Accept these changes in relationship to counteract a man’s natural tendency to withdraw from a relationship in which he fears the breakdown of his freedom. His sexual confidence is undermined and his masculinity is placed on the line. He is more likely to withdraw than give more.
In the withdrawal stage, men and women forget how to read each others’ signals. When people in a relationship hurt each other, instead of trying to communicate their feelings they try to protect themselves from further hurt. This leads to a breakdown in communication and giving out the wrong signals, not communicating their real feelings or what they want from each other. A man gets afraid of rejection.
A husband and wife arguing is like two people standing up in a canoe. They’re both going to fall into the water together.
A relationship reaches stalemate because a couple has refused to deal with their problems. This results in a gradual falling off, a long period of estrangement, and then a letting go – going their separate ways. Patterns of hostility, resentment or indifference develop undisturbed and get a hold on a relationship.
For some, the prospect of getting to know each other again is exciting. Sometimes a relationship is put on hold not because two people are incompatible but just because they’ve gone their separate ways – him to a career, her to raising kids. But the spark that ignited the relationship in the first place is still there, just waiting for a little attention to rekindle it. Getting to know each other again can be truly exciting.
How hard the road is depends on how much is left to salvage, how much trust remains. Start rebuilding intimacy at the common threads, common ground. If there is no focus of common concern, the marriage can become extremely stressful. A partial separation can help – finding time apart from each other during work hours, vacations, evenings with friends. As a man feels more independent, he will fear dependence less. They can confront their problems, retract their defenses, put hostility behind them and begin to rebuild a relationship based on trust and acceptance of dependence that are necessary for genuine intimacy.
The woman refuses to allow the man to be independent.
This couple should put their lives on separate but parallel tracks. Don’t confuse spending time together with intimacy. Merging your lives and doing everything together is not the answer for this couple.
In other relationships, the problem is the opposite. The man refuses to allow the woman’s independence. He’s too patriarchal, too domineering. He doesn’t acknowledge her as a real person or recognize the validity of her point of view. She plays the masochistic Cinderella, complementary role. She needs to become more independent.
The best way to overcome a man’s fear of dependence is to bring friendship into the relationship, not buddy/buddy superficial sense but in the deeper sense of understanding, independent support. A close friendship is essential to maintaining the quality of a sexual relationship. Put friendship first and the relationship and sex will fall into place. After the heat of a sexual infatuation has diminished the ability to be affectionate often determines whether the sexual attraction will last. When sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy are allowed to enhance each other, the result is a relationship that includes friendship but is more expansive and more profound than friendship – the kind of total relationship that’s also known as love.
Some women are better at dispelling the fears of dependence that keep a man closed. They have the gift of caring and empathy, friendliness. She is eager with questions and rapt with interest, and makes every conversation easy and inevitable. Thoughtful questions and sympathetic noises make everyone around her feel energized and enlightened. Be friendly, not demanding. Give but don’t demand being given back. Withholding things and silence are not always a rejection of another person.
First, understand why the man is closed up. Constant criticism can drive someone in a shell. Understand why feelings can be awkward to communicate. See the problem from his perspective. Men are often very adept at concealing their problems. Everyone sees the world through different eyes. Partners may view issues differently. People have insecurities.
Men who won’t open up are usually kept from it by anxiety or anger. If the problem is anxiety, he’s probably telling himself that if he reveals himself to you, he’ll lose himself and his identity. If the problem is anger, he might think it’s terrible you constantly ask him to express his feelings. Neither are rational explanations.
He won’t really lose himself if he shares himself or be less of a person. You are not terrible for wanting him to open up. But the man and woman both bring expectations less to do with the relationship than with their respective childhoods and painful memories. You may expect your spouse to behave like someone in your past. You have to free your man from your past and stop trying to use an existing relationship to resolve problems left unsolved by an earlier relationship. Your partner is a different person with his own identity.
In opening up and showing vulnerability, you have to risk rejection. If you want a man to do something – express himself, send presents, give flowers, write poetry – do it for him enthusiastically as a model. Be as transparent as possible yourself. Then your partner is likely to respond by opening up in a way he’s undoubtedly longed to do, perhaps for years.
Candor begets candor. Be honest with a man and chances are he’ll learn to be honest with you. Candor doesn’t always mean saying the first thing that comes to mind; you’ve got to strike a balance between understanding and consideration. Honesty is an ideal, but all-the-time, constant honesty really acts out aggression and hostility. Consider the impact of your words and think through what you’re going to say.
To distance himself in a relationship, a man will reject emotions altogether. He’ll look to the woman for all emotional responses. The woman must temper her emotions so she doesn’t overwhelm and frighten the man. By refusing to be automatically responsible for emotional behavior, the woman sends a nonthreatening signal that it’s his turn to show emotions.
Women often feel it’s their job to be the nurturers and caretakers for the man because he can’t do it for himself. The stereotype is of the stoic man who turns to his wife and expects her to cry or at least be upset. The man should be responsible for his own feelings. He’s capable of expressing the entire range of emotions and feelings all by himself. If you assume he can’t talk and talk for him, he’ll assume he doesn’t have to talk and won’t bother.
If you try to force a man with insecurities to open up to intimacy, you’ll trigger a defensive reaction and he’ll feel more unsure about his inability to satisfy your needs within the relationship. Avoid a demanding power struggle. Convince him that if he opens he’ll still be desirable. He can be vulnerable and exciting, dependent and masculine.
Let him know it’s okay if he doesn’t win all the time. Convince him he’s even sexier when he’s vulnerable. It’s more than good to show emotion – it’s appealing. His life can be changed if he really comes to believe that he’s loved because of his ability to show emotion.
It’s a heavy burden to think you must live up to a woman who thinks you’re flawless, some kind of “god.” He needs to know she does not need him and that there are better men, better lovers, and those more godlike, but she does love him.
Men might have three fears: that they are vulnerable, that she will find out he is vulnerable, and that she will leave him (reject him) because he is vulnerable. Once he realizes you won’t reject him, you can decide to live together.
The final essential element that contributes to an open intimate relationship is trust. If he can’t trust her, he’ll never open up. In the best relationships, you can say “I hate you” sometimes or “I’m leaving for three days until we cool off” and know the relationship has not ended. Trust is confidence in your relationship and in your partner.
A false assumption of intimacy is that it consists only in sharing feelings or love talk, talking about their feelings for each other. This is not the most definitive proof of emotional commitment even though it’s common in the initial infatuation stage. This doesn’t last. Only unrequited love can live on itself indefinitely and when it does, the result is obsession, not intimacy.
Once infatuation passes, a relationship needs to be sustained by shared experiences. You must have something to talk about – shared action and experiences. For women who meet, it’s How are you? For men it’s What are you doing? What have you been up to? Men find it easier to base a relationship on interests outside the bounds of the relationship itself. An inexpressive man disguises personal sentiments in the seemingly impersonal. Men share their feelings with emotional give and take and establish intimacy about a common shared interest in a group of men, e.g. football games.
Women can start talking to men about football, movies, books, news or TV plots and then gradually bring the forms of sharing closer to a man’s own inner life.
Two people who begin to talk about their feelings about each other or emotional problems in a relationship must know how to express themselves clearly. Use “I want,” “I feel,” “I,” “I think.” Be in touch with your emotions and feelings and then you can understand your motivations.
He can ask why he wants to direct the conversation away from himself.
Men tend to be task oriented, bottom line, solve issues, so ask direct questions and present specific problems with specific solutions. Give him a specific problem to be solved instead of a general problem to be analyzed. Don’t talk about how things are and what you don’t like about them. Talk about how you would like things to be.
Ask a direct question about a difficult topic, e.g. what are your fondest memories of time spent with your father? What were your friends like when you were a child? How did you feel when you had sex for the first time? Men are not generally accustomed to responding to intimate questions. They’re used to being asked straight questions about impersonal topics and giving straight answers. A straight question about a personal topic may just give you an equally straight answer.
The token of intimacy that a man may be most willing to give is a secret. We all have secrets and they do much to close people off. What is the secret a man has carried around with him his whole life? If you can get someone to tell you their most important secrets, you’ve gone a long way toward creating an open relationship.
Has he always been ashamed of what his father did for a living? Has he always envied his brother or sister for getting more of his parents’ affection? Did he do something terrible as a child? Persuading him to get it off his chest can be very important. To relieve a secret burden like that can change a life, reconstitute a personality.
The way to get a man to think about telling you these things is to have the courage to tell him the secrets from your own past – and not the things you want him to know. The ones you don’t want him to know. The ones you’re embarrassed about. Only if you let a man know that you trust him with your complete past will he have the trust to give you his.
Really listening will help a man open up. Don’t formulate your response, listen. Pay attention and concentrate. Give the speaker in intimate conversations the confidence to continue. Remember and mention something a man said long ago or even earlier in the conversation. Psychologists do this all the time. The fact you didn’t forget, that it seemed worth remembering, is very flattering and comforting.
Be interested in wanting to know what he’s going to say. Look straight at them and don’t waver once. Make it clear there’s absolutely nothing in the world you’d rather do than listen to him talk. Even with famous people, that doesn’t happen very often and they respond with honesty. It happens to most men hardly ever.
If a man has never opened up his emotions before, his first emotional stirrings may surprise a woman more than they please her. Don’t jump down his throat. Reward him for being disclosive. Don’t attack him, get angry or scream and yell. You have to learn not to react with obvious anger if he says things you don’t like. You give up the benefit of not knowing what’s going on in his head.
Treat his revelations with the necessary care. Don’t abuse his confidences. Don’t blab! He may be sharing details of his life that it’s taken years to feel secure enough to share with you. This will make him uneasy with your friends because they know his entire history. (Also, you take the chance of losing his trust and he won’t confide in you ever again.)
Resist the temptation to misuse sensitive revelations, especially in moments of anger, even when you’re furious. Don’t bring up something from his past in the heat of the argument. Those admissions cost him a lot, and you can hurt him and set him back a long way.
Part of the good listener’s job is to look behind a person’s words and behavior and try to understand what they mean. Where is he coming from? What is he really trying to tell me? Behind the façade of sports jargon and blue humor, for example, men are communicating more than most women realize. Sports talk is really more about people and feelings than about statistics. Men tend to “adopt” certain teams, and their spirits sink and rise with the team’s. They single out certain players for special attention and follow their careers, like favored sons. A man gets the same feelings of belonging and caring when he watches football that some women get watching a soap opera. In talking with other men about the game, he can share and prolong those feelings.
The fondness of many men for sex jokes and banter is also both less and more than it seems. It has little to do with sex at all. Tales of sexual adventure, innuendos of inadequacy, paeans to the female anatomy, and off color jokes are usually filler – harmless banter to keep the conversation going. Sex talk is like women’s small talk – a form of caring.
Men use personal signals, verbal and nonverbal, to communicate. Learn and read his body language. It can convey feelings he can’t express in words.
Legs crossed at the ankles and arms crossed across his chest say he’s totally closed and he doesn’t like what you’re saying. Reach out and touch him. It’s hard to be nasty and horrible to someone or even just closed and cold if they’re hugging you or holding your hand.
Learn to read his patterns of behavior that communicate his feelings. Decode his actions. It means one thing when he comes home ranting and raving, kicking and yelling, and another when he’s quiet, unresponsive, ignoring you and half an hour later is friendly and charming. Sometimes he doesn’t want to ask you straight out or appear to be ordering you around.
For many men, the most intense nonverbal communication occurs during sex. For many men, sex is their emotional expression. There’s often an enormous focus of emotion in sex. Sex means different things to men and women. In Annie Hall, a psychiatrist asks Woody Allen how often do you have sex? He answers, “Hardly ever, three times a week.” Annie answers, “All the time, three times a week.”
Men tend to compress the meaning of intimacy into the sex act. Often emotions and sex are synonymous for men but not for women. Women have a wide range of ways to communicate and feel close. When men are deprived of that outlet (sex), they get frustrated and upset because they’re cut off form the only source of closeness that they know. A man does not just want to use a woman as a sexual object, they just have different ways of defining intimacy and closeness than women.
Help him open up with touch: stroke him, touch him, hold his hand, rub his neck, knead his feet. Men like to think of themselves as exclusively sexual creatures but they aren’t all that different from women. They really need touching for strength as well as for sex.
Men have a vocabulary of physical affection consisting primarily of exercise and sports related control. The vocabulary was not shared with women because any such contact generated sexual expectations. Women, too, have a physical vocabulary they are unwilling to share because such moves might be misinterpreted as an invitation to sex. If a man has trouble keeping sexual and nonsexual physical affection a separate, experts suggest gentle reminders. You may want to take a roaming hand and hold and stroke it, or return an exploratory gesture with a robust hug, kiss on the cheek, and announce you think it’s time to put the peas on.
Almost everybody responds to cuddling. Make some physical contact with him. Touching is more caring than “I love you” for many people.
Depending on his personality and the circumstances of his life, a man who fears intimacy may evolve in a variety of ways: macho, charmer, loner, company man, intellectual, sensitive artist, workaholic, or some variation. He keeps a safe emotional distance and keeps the world at arm’s length.
Some are silent, some are glib. Some submerge their need for intimacy in a frenzy of activity.
The Strong, Silent Type (The Cowboy): many women are excited by their overtones of smoldering sexuality. It’s easy to want him, to try to coax a smile out of him, but once you have one, it is frustrating. He represents the qualities of hard work, purposefulness, integrity, courage and perseverance which were essential to the pioneer culture of the earliest settlers. Self-reliance, social reserve and emotional terseness were the male attributes of choice when the western frontier was opened a century later. Whether they were homesteaders or railroad barons, the spoils of the era went to the strong silent men of the day.
The cowboy has conveyed the image of the rugged he-man, strong, resilient, resourceful, capable of coping with overwhelming odds. Independent (I’m startin’ my own herd.), goal-oriented (I’ll kill any cowhand not good enough to finish what they start.) and controlled (There’s nothing I hate worse than a man who’s soft.).
Emotional reserve; no apologies (it’s a sign of weakness). He doesn’t feel comfortable around women. He must choose the right time and place to like a woman. His escape is nearby (horse/car) to ride off to more important business.
He is not devoid of feelings; he just can’t express them. He shows no tenderness nor affection towards girls because it would be unmanly. However his heart was not entirely purged. Masculine virtue does permit a man occasional rude artifacts of feeling: a boyish look down at his boots; a self-conscious kick in the dust, or an “aw shucks, ma’am.” It’s emotional fluency, not emotion itself, that’s off limits.
He may have a lot of trouble stored up and you may want to entertain him rather than descover what they are.
He is very laid back. There is little room in his life for women or a woman. They’re just not comfortable around women, so with marriage and home in order, he’ll concentrate on work and leave her alone. He can’t show any anxieties directly or it would show unmanly weakness, so he bottles up his fears. Instead of sharing he withdraws. He may either complain constantly or be dead quiet, acting like a roommate instead of a spouse.
The first battle a woman must fight in trying to help a strong, silent man express his feelings is the battle for his attention. Adding a little talk could be unbelievably sexy. This man has a general reluctance to talk about problems at all or even acknowledge there are any. A woman must secure a man’s attention and ultimately his cooperation in the effort to establish emotional intimacy.
Confront him in a calculated direct approach. It works far better than you would imagine. Ask what’s going on. There’s an element of risk in all relationships; if rejection killed, we’d all be dead. Don’t be afraid to confront the problems. Sometimes a woman feels too proud to let a man know how much she needs his attention. A drawn-out series of oblique hints will only make a man feel manipulated and cause his defenses to go up.
If a woman isn’t getting the physical affection she needs, she must sit down and tell her partner that she has a strong need to be held and to be close. Men are traditionally supposed to take the lead but a woman has to teach a man what he doesn’t know. Present your needs for intimacy clearly and specifically and in a way that a specific solution is possible. Be up front about your expectations.
Develop a shared life. Tell him where you’re going and when you’ll be back. You need a sense of involvement in each other’s lives. Know where your partner is. Be consistent in setting an example of openness and intimacy. When he is able to open up and talk about his problems, don’t think it’s all complaining and turn him off. There’s no quick fix. Sacrifice, hang in there, and be patient.
The Charmer. He makes a show of emotions he doesn’t have. He masters the forms of openness and intimacy while avoiding the substance. In the manly struggle not to make a genuine emotional connection, his tactics are diversionary rather than defensive.
The Charmer, the lady’s man, the Don Juan, the lady-killer. He begins with well-spoken words of love falling on eager ears. At first crush, the charmer is a welcome relief to a woman, an oasis of compliments, consideration and caring in a desert of masculine indifference. As soon as his romantic campaign succeeds – in marriage, an affair, or just a night in bed – it abruptly ends. The great expectations of commitment and consideration, of sexual diversity and spiritual union become just another set of unheeded demands. The oasis was a mirage.
He is a narcissist, a man of unquestioned belief in his own greatness and uniqueness. His buoyancy and perennial youthfulness stem from this source. So does his often-fascinating charm. He may speak incessantly of his exploits or his wonderful qualities and needs endless confirmation of his estimate of himself in the form of admiration and devotion. His feeling of mastery lies in his conviction that there is nothing he cannot do and no one he cannot win.
He is often charming, indeed particularly when new people come into his orbit. He must impress them regardless of their factual importance. He gives the impression to himself and others that he “loves” women. He can be generous with a scintillating display of feeling, flattery, favors and help – in anticipation of admiration or in return for devotion received.
His surface charm doesn’t rest on a foundation of genuine emotions, so he’s most closed of all closed men. He is treacherous for women. The inner life of the strong silent man is hidden but active. The charmer has submerged his inner life in the “game” – the play act (roleplaying) world in which he tries to win people is everything. He repeatedly has a quest for approval.
Charmer, playboy, James Bond. He retains the “cowboy’s” emotional detachment and independence but his emotional problems are deeper. He is, in a sense, “dead” inside. He has no feelings toward women. The cowboy does have such feelings although unwilling and perhaps unable to express them. It’s psychologically less damaging to have feelings you can’t express than to express feelings you don’t have.
He sees both himself, others, and women as persons to be exploited and manipulated.
The woman is reduced to an object; ownership consists in conquest. He creates the romantic scene and beds her, but remains removed from it and avoids personal involvement or a shared relationship.
The many varieties of charmer include the boy who never grew up with his disarming smile and calculated naiveté; the “lethal” kind, who succeeds at totally involving a woman, a really great actor, a Don Juan, who can make you forget he’s acting. He makes himself forget, too. If he’s good enough, most women don’t even want to know he’s acting. They eagerly suspend their disbelief, their common sense, their better judgment. They’ll suspend anything. He’s that good.
He makes himself sensitive to her needs so he’s confusing to women. He notices what she likes and doesn’t like and he responds. Of course, he’s usually the good lover he’s reputed to be. He has a movie director’s sense of mood and timing. He can choreograph seductions with startling ingenuity and imagination. The mark of the real charmer is that the manipulativeness of such occasions is invisible. The appearance of sincerity, the impression that such moments are untainted fruits of love, often make him irresistible.
Periodic approval of women is crucial to his self-esteem. He’s popular wherever he performs: parties, office, gym, bar, bedroom. He has an impersonal social charm. That very popularity is often attractive to women and they revel in the spotlight that follows him around.
Despite the appearance of a manipulator’s self-confidence and security, he is insecure, doubts his own manliness and seeks constant additional evidence for it in his conquests. He can be devastated when his sexual potency begins to falter. He is exquisitely vulnerable to rejection. When his charm fails, his power to win people wanes and he becomes (on his own terms, at least) impotent. Years of manipulative success have drastically lowered his tolerance for failure. His ego is particularly fragile. (Most men’s egos are sensitive.)
They have an easy laugh and a smooth social manner that makes the most awkward encounter seem effortless. He gives women what they want. He has brief windswept affairs, consecutive or simultaneous. Nothing that lasts.
The woman with a chance of breaking his rhythm or pattern is the one who is not completely under his spell, aware of his reputation. However, she may fall for him. Be smitten by his looks, eyes, body; he can be a great lover, the best you’ve ever known, knowing just how to touch a woman. Innovative in romance as well as lovemaking. A master of the unexpected. Loves surprises and games and can be very playful.
Everything he does is directed at keeping the relationship fresh, like new. He is imaginative, always keeping you guessing about what he would do next. He’s always calling with something new to say or new plans.
He’s interested in you, not just making the surface things good. He cares how you feel, asks what you want to do, where you want to eat. Listens to you. Sits for hours and asks you questions. He makes you feel special, like you’re the only person in the world. A wonderful ability to focus all his attention and charm on one person. He makes you feel beautiful and special regardless of what the mirror says.
Just when you let down your guard and consider him as a serious lover and possible mate, the behavior changes. He gets distant. It’s a shock when you realize he’s leaving you just like you were warned. So leave him first. Tell him he’s really not the kind of man you’re looking for.
Months may pass and you’ll be miserable, but don’t call him. You’ll probably hear he’s seeing someone else. Then as you knew he would, he’ll call and say he’d like to see you again. Refuse. The more you refuse the more attention he will pay you. You may truly not be interested in him or his manipulations anymore.
Then he may do something so wonderfully calculated and delightful that you’ll crack, something mad, marvelous and absolutely diabolical.
If you begin seeing each other again, it’ll be different. Turn down his invitations to fancy restaurants and diplomatic receptions. Rebel at his smoothness, his familiar way of relating to women. Keep a little more of yourself in reserve. Don’t be so quick to be carried away on charm alone.
That hint of aloofness may keep him interested. His past may have been little more than a series of brief affairs, each lasting only as long as a woman held out against his seductive powers. Most charmers can’t resist a challenge. Women who surrender too soon or too easily hold no interest for him. He likes seducing women. Without the challenge of resistance, seduction was a joyless exercise. By stepping back to just beyond his grasp, you may suddenly become very interesting.
If you want a real relationship with a charmer, you need to maintain a balance of power. The notion of another independent person can be very exciting. You may recognize yourself in him.
The Loner. The best way to make a marriage work is to choose the right partner. Understand your own needs and your partner’s needs. The crucial question is can he open up? Or is he so captive to childhood conditioning and social pressures that he is unlikely ever to open up. Some men are fundamentally closed off to emotional intimacy. They are predestined to live alone. The loner doesn’t want to build a bridge to another person and end his isolation. He wants his indifference, his emotional self-sufficiency. He may have relationships but they are devoid of commitment.
Some women are drawn to the loner, attracted by his aloofness from the world, the allure of the unknown and what they mistakenly see as the needfulness of his isolation. He appeals to the mother in you. This poor lonely man needs someone to love him. But deep down he really doesn’t need someone. If his parents never really gave him any love, he won’t know what a loving relationship is.
The attractiveness and allure of the loner is very much like the attractiveness of the strong silent man. By being aloof and unflappable, he creates the illusion of strength. His inaccessibility is taken for substance and reliability, plus the romantic challenge of the unobtainable man. However, he may be truly beyond emotional reach and truly unobtainable.
A loner has serious psychological difficulties that probably require long term professional care. The charmer or workaholic is someone who probably can be helped in the context of a relationship without outside assistance.
The loner is detached in all his social contacts; careful at all times to keep his emotional distance from others. Be suspicious of a man who won’t, in a long-term relationship, make an emotional commitment to you. He enjoys distant or transitory relationships, does not become attached or emotionally involved, and doesn’t expect much – good or bad – if anything – from others.
He’s not affectionate, always distracted, doesn’t have any friends, never invites colleagues to the house for dinner. He can’t love anyone. He has trouble with emotional intimacy. He may maintain emotional distance from a sexual partner by excluding sex as being too intimate for a permanent relationship and instead satisfy his sexual needs with a stranger, or he may more or less restrict a relationship to merely sexual contacts and not share other experiences with the partner.
Some loners are so withdrawn, they avoid relationship altogether. It can be a sign of a withdrawn, schizoid personality. A man who can’t love himself is a man to worry about. He won’t venture out into the world of relationships because it is too threatening. He won’t risk exposing himself or risk learning about himself. These are some of the signposts that a person really needs to look at himself, that he really needs professional counseling and help.
A loner is indifferent to the people around him. Of course, many closed men make a pretense of not caring what others think because indifference is a part of the masculine role they play. The true loner, however, has learned not to care, not to be hurt by what others think. Sometimes a loner may share his problems, but react to the problems of others with thinly veiled disinterest. Or he may listen endlessly to others’ problems but never reveal his own. Without the reciprocity necessary for intimacy, his relationships remain shallow, one-sided and impersonal.
When he expresses his feelings, is he aware of how others are reaction? Is he concerned that his feelings have meaning in the other person’s life or is he just “letting off steam” to relieve inner pressure?
Some women for their own psychological reasons want a relationship in which they can feel protected by considerable emotional separation. Their need for independence is so strong they prefer a man who will give them the ample emotional space they require.
Other women have so much need to give emotional reassurance and so little need to receive it that they can survive reasonably well on the regimen of sustained unilateral devotion that life with a loner often becomes.
A woman may be willing to permanently play second fiddle to what is most important in his life. The loner may give the image of unspoiled intellect, space-out genius, and unselfconscious nonconformity. But his mind is elsewhere, irretrievably married to his own thoughts. Yet there is a challenge of his inaccessibility, indifference and self-absorption.
These men will shut you out of what’s going on inside them. He doesn’t believe in talking about feelings and shove everything under the rug. When people don’t reveal vulnerability, it’s hard to relate to them as human beings. There’s no sharing of experience. Although no man is beyond emotional reach, a few are so emotionally distant that a woman should think twice before making the effort to reach them.
For millions, work is the beginning and end of passion. Symptoms of workaholism include up at dawn, preoccupied breakfast, days out of reach, messages left with secretaries, missed suppers, late coming home, rare weekends home, unexpected cancellations and interrupted vacations and always, even in bed, that intractable preoccupation with work.
Perfectionists are bent on self-glorification, ambitious pursuits, with the mastery of life through intelligence and willpower as the means to actualize their idealized self. In their headlong pursuit of the idealized self, a man’s real self is often lost and so is the possibility of intimacy, which requires time the workaholic does not have. Women do not become colleagues but employees, requiring direction and paternal advice, not respect and intimacy.
The most successful men (workaholics) are unconnected to their personal lives. They’re more interested in their work than their wives. He leads a life of professional success and personal unhappiness. Their wives may be unhappy, bored and lonely. He gives his wife everything she could ever hope for except the one thing she really wants – him.
What can make him open up, stop his frantic race against himself long enough to look around and notice those near him? What can make him understand both the needs of those who love him and his own need for love? He’s often too successful for his own good. With such an impressive show of outward accomplishment, he often succeeds in suppressing feelings of a anxiety, melancholy and boredom. He erases all traces of self-doubt. He hides very well from his own feelings. He faces his problems only if something forces him to face them.
Crisis is the most common trigger for change -- some major disruption in his pounding, rhythmic routine that forces him to reexamine his life, himself, his role and his relationships. The crisis can take a number of forms: death of a loved one, career reversal, or major illness. The most common one is the collapse or potential collapse, of a relationship. The only way to make an extreme workaholic open up is to let him know that the relationship is on the line.
The energy of the workaholic is as protean as sexual libido; the forms it takes are usually accidental, not inevitable. He can be obsessed with any activity toward which circumstances direct him. He may have furious energies, and he’ll direct or redirect them to any form of work. His drive may be redoubled, and if he was determined, he may become positively obsessed. Blind devotion is looked upon by colleagues with considerable favor but with mixed feelings by his marriage partner, who may enjoy his success vicariously but resent having so little time with him.
She may hope he will let down, relax and take time to give her the attention she needs and the affection he may profess to feel. He probably worked hard to win her love, but now has no time for her. They have no life together.
Broaching the subject of their growing separation, he doesn’t seem to care. He thought it another tantrum and that it would pass, which it does except the hurt builds up until something has to give. She gets so she has to budge him or she has to leave because she can’t take it any more.
When you tell him you’re leaving (genuinely), he is devastated and faced with failure for perhaps the first time. All perfectionists suffer the same fate when tragedy strikes. When any misfortune befalls him (loss of a child, an accident, infidelity of his wife, loss of job) it may bring this seemingly well-balanced person to the verge of collapse. He resents ill fortune as unfair and is shaken to the bottom of his psychic existence.
It invalidates his whole accounting system and conjures up the ghastly prospect of helplessness. He doesn’t realize how much he depends upon his marriage partner. Behind his seeming indifference and real inattention, he needs her constant and unquestioning support to maintain the illusion of perfection and control. He needs her as much as, if not more than, she needs him; he could not live successfully without her. Her departure is at least partly the product of his imperfections, which is the hardest for the workaholic to admit.
He realizes he has to “accomplish” (work on) his relationship anew every day. Whether or not a man responds to a crisis by opening up depends primarily on the reaction of people around him to his new vulnerability. The admission of weakness is a breakthrough. He is reaching out the only way he knows how, by taking the blame and perhaps in a way knows his partner will respond.
This can send his partner into a tailspin of doubt and anxiety but also give her a cause for hope.
Workaholism is an addiction. They need to work hard, need to achieve. Deep inside there’s still a little boy fighting to please the world with home runs and teachers’ praise. This desire for achievement is part of what attracts women. It will always be an essential aspect of his personality.
Many women are so deeply upset by the problems they face in breaking through a man’s devotion to work, in dealing with the loneliness, the time apart, the sense of “second fiddle,” that they overlook the importance of his Workaholism both to his personality and to his attractiveness. A woman is often drawn to a workaholic man precisely because he is. At least he loves what he does. She loves his passion and intensity.
If a man is totally taken up in his working world, the best way to enter his world is through his work by working together. The most successful relationships are often built on the foundation of a joint career. Working together provides an inexhaustible source of nonemotional problems to analyze, issues to discuss, and possibilities to explore.
If you work apart, become as involved in each other’s careers as possible. Visit his workplace and get to know his colleagues. Join him on business trips. Talking about business can build a bridge between you.
A workaholic can sometimes be diverted from his obsession by extracurricular activity or play to which he’ll bring the same intensity he brings to work. Make yourself one of his projects that’s never finished.
A wife often finds that she has to have a life independent of her husband, a life as fulfilling that she no longer resents being left alone during the hours he spends and will always spend at work.
Anticipate spending a lot of time on your own. She needs her own obsessions. Workaholics will never become easygoing pipe and slippers men nor would their wives or lovers be satisfied if they did. But you can help him avoid the total obsessive oblivion into which he may sink out of intimacy’s reach.
It is the feeling of inferiority, inadequacy, insecurity, which determines the goal of an individual’s existence. The push to the limelight is to compel the attention of parents. Successes can only intensify feelings of inadequacy. (The “I don’t deserve it” syndrome.)
Arrogance can be a product of youthful insecurity, as can being pompous and condescending. This insecurity causes acting difficult and overbearing on the outside and feeling more fearful and needful on the inside.
He may look at the most elegant, graceful woman he’s ever known and think inside, “I don’t deserve her,” feeling inadequate. She may just want him to let her love him, not the man he thinks he has to be to deserve her love. She wants him to open up to her, to share his problems, his doubts, his insecurities, to tell her his problems form time to time, to let down the façade. He doesn’t need to pretend with her.
The fear of disclosure can be strong and stubborn, as can the fear of dependence. All couples need to air the problems in their relationship from time to time. Communicating is important. Usually there has to be a crisis for people to want to learn new ways, a driving force: a problem with the children, in trouble at school or with the police, or alcohol. Or an affair (either parent); is alcoholic. Something happens to disturb the balance of the relationship.
Two people are involved in a relationship, and for it to improve, both must help. To compensate for their lack of self-disclosure (emotional openness), men tend to depend in a stereotypical way on gainful employment, enviable status, and sexual potency to give meaning to their lives. Once these achievements are gone, men have no other resources, become dispirited and are subject to an early death.
No outlet for stress and anxiety inevitably cause accumulation inside, and produces internalized secrets, more tension, more expenditure of energy and more stress than among women. Men can never let off this tension; they bottle it up.
Tears are the closed man’s mark of shame. Crying relieves tension and reduces blood pressure. Tears of emotion shed during a time of grief or crisis contain toxins not found in ordinary cleansing tears. The body produces these toxins under stress and eliminates them through the tear ducts. By holding tears back during emotional or stressful periods, a man prevents his body from ridding itself of harmful chemicals. The rule that “men don’t cry” means they must slowly poison themselves.
A lifetime of unexpressed emotions and unshared feelings leaves a man emotionally impoverished. There are many lost opportunities. They become dull and without intensity. The closed man lives his life from a distance, never fully engaged in the world around him, cut off from meaningful emotional interaction. It’s as if he’s reading his life in a book instead of actually living through it himself.
Loving can cost a lot but not loving always costs more. Those who fear to love often find that want of love is an emptiness that takes the joy from life. Men and women who don’t know love often feel they’ve missed the essential experience of life.
The past controls your current relationships. He can lose tender moments to manhood (manliness). Something inside him wants to shout (I love you!) but is never heard. Real feelings are seldom expressed – the hurts, the happiness. He leaves thinking of all the things he should have said. He’s afraid of the effort, frustration and heartache of making a relationship work. Why be without a friend in times of emotional need or consolation? Why turn and run when relationships begin to make emotional demands?
Help him awaken and rediscover his real self. Help him learn how he feels. Lift the burden of shoulds: acknowledge that you feel uncertain and anxious when you should feel directed; admit you feel lonely and long for the support of friends when you should feel competitive; listen to the small boy inside who wants to cut up when you should be in control; confess the need for others when you should be independent. It’s a matter of being what you are instead of what you think you should be.
A professional, taut as a guy wire, can turn to recreation yet never really relax, an incurable overachiever. Nearing the end of his career, he feels financial pressure, still competitive pressure to “win,” emotional pressure at home from his wife or girlfriend to commit or open up.
Do you ever relax? Are you ever free of the anxiety coiled up inside of you? Yes, but only for those few brief minutes after orgasm. For those precious moments, I don’t feel the burdens. That feeling of release, of being relieved – even temporarily – of the burdens of manhood, that feeling not unlike the total reprieve of orgasm, is what the closed man feels when he finally makes contact with his real self. Release, relief, reprieve – this is a definition of openness that a man can understand.
First, he must recognize that we need other people. A man can’t be alone, able to face the world without support, without dependency, without love to lean on. Common sense says this is true. Loving and longing are natural. We were created to be able to feel the world.
The only real order or meaning possible in life is in the order and meaning of relationships. Only a rare few will cheat mortality by winning Nobel prizes, making scientific breakthroughs, writing great literature, creating great works of art, or setting records. Few will even achieve even modest materialistic fulfillment that can hedge emotional emptiness.
For the vast majority of us, the sum total of life will be the people we have known – the people we have loved. Not to be loved is tragic, but not to love is catastrophic. For anyone to miss the opportunity to love, to go through life confined by stereotypes, prevented from sharing genuine intimacy by inherited roles and nameless fears, is, ultimately, to miss life’s greatest joy and only enduring reward.

Narcissist personality disorder

2008-12-16T14:08:00.000-05:00

(A.D. Note: this was written by an unknown author, not me)
One thing I battle with in this whole thing is whether I am perhaps “diagnosing” the N and sort of “condemning” her too soon or too harshly. I know you may say what does it matter, just look at the way she treats you etc…, but still. Do they really inhabit such completely different emotional landscapes to the ones we are familiar with in us? Can they say “I love you” and be so, so, so FAKE and pretending about it that there is not even the slightest love-meaning in it whatsoever? Hell, I have on occasion also said those words with some shall we say poetic license. Are there people out there that can pretend so well, yet be so artificial, to the extent that that they can delude everybody around them (for years and years), with me now all of a sudden being the only one to “recognising” her for what she truly is?
Questions spinning around my inside….
"Can they say 'I love you" and be so, so, so FAKE...."
Did you see Casablanca? Did Ingred Bergman really love Humphrey Bogart? Hell no, she was an actress doing a hell of a job, playing a part. Did you see Notting Hill? Does Julia Roberts really love Hugh Grant? Hell no, she was an actress playing a role. Did she say "I love you" convincingly? Damn right she did. Did Rene Russo really love Pierce Brosnan, Mel Gibson, Kevin Costner, Tom Berenger, etc.? She said she did in a whole host of movies. She couldn't have been faking could she? She wasn't just acting, was she?
That's what life & relationships are like for an N. They are great actors. They know what to say. They are convincing. They are damned good at the roles they play. But it is just a role. They finish the part, do their D&D and move on to their next role. You know it is true. Like all of us have, though, you are going through a phase where you don't want to admit it. It's a phase we all go through, and most of us get past, kicking & screaming and not ever wanting to believe it, but eventually reality sets in and we have no other choice but to believe it.
The male N i met at the time became a very good friend also. I made the mistake of getting him to depend on me too much, because at the time I took on all his problems. (all made up of course)
I honestly thought he was going to commit suicide so i sat with him most nights. I had no idea I was only being manipulated.
I was told by a friend that he fell in love with me but because he liked my husband he decided not to get me away from him.
That was his whole intention all the time.
His co-worker fell madly in love with him. N told his co-worker he loved her madly. The co-worker also new that he loved another lady in another country. At the same time he was telling another lady he loved her. He kept his women in compartments. Each one knowing nothing about the other, except for the co-worker. Ns play games together.
So Ns can fall madly in love with quite a few ladies at the same time. This ensues that all the ladies stay in his spell and they all become his possesions. He has power and control over them.
They keep one lady with them, then seek others he can fall in love with to get them to love him.
It is not love by my standards, what I would call it is hypomanic lust or egomania. Their love is very short lived.

Placenames and people names from the Bible

2008-12-16T14:06:00.000-05:00

Abaddon the destroyer; total destruction
Achish fear
Achshaph enchantment tricks
Achzib lying; deceptive (as a fishing hook)
Adad the Sun
Admatha cloud of death; a mortal vapor
Adria restless (Adriatic Sea)
Agag fire
Allon oak; strong
Almon hidden
Anubis Egypt, supposed to be same as Nibhaz
Apollos one that destroys & lays waste
Aquila eagle (Latin)
Arvad place of future
Baal Zebub lord of flies (Bealzebub)
Baal lord, ie possessor of anything; the Sun
Baal-Zephon lord of the north; or hidden, secret
Baalim idols of Baal
Baashah evil
Balak who lays waste/destroys (or who licks/laps)
Barak thunder, or in vain
Beliah wicked, worthless
Bera son of evil
Bezek lightning
Bimhal son of corruption
Birsha son of wickedness
Carcas eagle
Chesil orion, constellations
Cozbi a liar; lying
Elymas magician (Arabic)
Emmor an ass (or Hamor)
Epaphras favored by Venus, ie handsome
Epaphroditus long form of Epaphras
Ephah darkness
Er watcher, watch, or enemy
Etam ravenous bird
Ethbaal with Baal, or he that rules & possesses
Ether abundance
Gaal loathing
Geba termination
Hadad chief; from Adad, the Sun; Syrian title of kings
Hamor an ass (or Emmor)
Harsha enchanter
Hatath terror
Hezir swine
Hul pain, infirmity, bring forth children
Huldah weasel
Humtah a place of lizards
Hur hole, cavern
Ishod man of beauty
Jaakobah a healer; a supplanter (Jacob)
Jacob a supplanter (see Jaakobah)
Jambres magician
Jarha increasing moon
Jaroah moon
Jerah the moon
Jericho the moon; city of the moon
Kir a wall, a fortress
Lamech powerful
Lucius of the sun; light
Luke of the sun; light
Lycia of the sun; light
Maaz anger
Malcom the king, worshipped w/cruel rites, human sacr.
Manasses forgetfulness (Rev. 7.6)
Mara bitterness (see Marah)
Marah bitterness (see Mara)
Mearah a cave
Migdol a tower, a castle
Milcom the king, worshipped w/cruel rites, human sacr.
Mithras fire god of Persians; worshipped in caverns
Mitra Aryan sun, id'd with Nebo
Molech the king, worshipped w/cruel rites, human sacr.
Moloch the king, worshipped w/cruel rites, human sacr.
Naashon enchanter, serpent of the sun
Nahash serpent (was an emblem of the sun)
Nebo Mercury, foreteller; Eastern sun in height
Nebo the god of fire
Nekeb cavern
Nibhaz lord of darkness, ie an evil demon (see Anubis)
Nisdoch eagle; sun under eagle emblem; Assyrian idol
Oreb raven; black
Raamah thundering
Resheph sun god whom the Hittites worshipped
Salamis deadly serpents
Samgar sword
Saraph serpent
Sardis things which remain (Rev. 1.11)
Sered fear
Sether contains the # of Apocalyptic beast (Rev.13.18)
in Hebrew letters
Sether hidden, mysterious
Shaphan cunning
Shethar star (Persia)
Shual fox
Shupham serpent
Tahath depression
Tartak the moon
Tola little worm
Tophet place of burning from Moloch a horrid monster
Y' the Lord (Hebrew); see Yah
Yah the Lord (Hebrew); see Y'
Zillah shadow
Zipporah little bird
Zoheleth serpent

abundance Ether
anger Maaz
ass Emmor
ass Hamor
bird, little Zipporah
bird, ravenous Etam
bitterness Mara
bitterness Marah
black Oreb
bring forth children Hul
burning place Tophet from Moloch a horrid monster
castle Migdol
cave Mearah
cavern Hur
cavern Nekeb
chief Hadad, Syrian title of kings
city of the moon Jericho
cloud of death Admatha
constellations Chesil
corruption son Bimhal
cunning Shaphan
dark lord Nibhaz
darkness Ephah
death cloud Admatha
deceptive Achzib
demon, evil Nibhaz
depression Tahath
destroyer Abaddon
destroyer Apollos
destroyer Balak
destruction, total Abbadon
eagle Aquila (Latin)
eagle Carcas
eagle Nisdoch (sun under eagle emblem)
emblem of sun Nahash (serpent)
enchanter Harsha
enchanter Naashon
enchantment tricks Achshaph
enemy Er
evil Baashah
evil son Bera
evil demon Nibhaz
favored by Venus Epaphras or Epaphroditus
fear Achish
fear Sered
fire Agag
fire-god Mithras (Persian; cavern-worshipped)
fire-god Nebo
foreteller Nebo
forgetfulness Manasses (Rev. 7.6)
fortress Kir
fox Shual
future place Arvad
god of fire Nebo
handsome Epaphras or Epaphroditus
healer Jaakobah (Jacob)
hidden Almon
hidden Baal-Zephon
hidden Sether
hole Hur
idols of Baal Baalim
in vain Barak
infirmity Hul
king, the Malcom (worshipped w/cruel rites)
king, the Milcom (worshipped w/cruel rites)
king, the Molech (worshipped w/cruel rites)
king, the Moloch (worshipped w/cruel rites)
liar Cozbi
licks & laps, one who Balak
light Lucius
light Lycia
lightning Bezek
lizard place Humtah
loathing Gaal
lord of darkness Nibhaz
lord Baal
Lord of Flies Baal Zebub (Bealzebub)
Lord of the North Baal-Zephon
Lord, the Y' (Hebrew)
Lord, the Yah (Hebrew)
lying Achzib
lying Cozbi
magician (Arabic) Elymas
magician Jambres
man of beauty Ishod
Mercury Nebo
moon Jericho
moon Jaroah
moon Jerah
moon Tartak
moon-city Jericho
moon, increasing Jarha
mortal vapor Admatha
mysterious Sether
Nibhaz alternate Anubis (Egyptian)
oak Allon
orion Chesil
paint Hul
place of burning Tophet from Moloch a horrid monster
place of future Arvad
place of lizards Humtah
possessor of anything Baal
powerful Lamech
raven Oreb
ravenous bird Etam
remaining things Sardis (Rev. 1.11)
restless Adria (Adriatic Sea)
rules & possess, who Ethbaal
secret Baal-Zephon
serpent Nahash (emblem of the sun)
serpent Saraph
serpent Shupham
serpent Zoheleth
serpent of the sun Naashon
serpents, deadly Salamis
shadow Zillah
son of evil Bera
son of corruption Bimhal
son of wickedness Birsha
star Shethar (Persia)
strong Allon
sun Adad
sun Baal
sun Mitra (Aryan); see Nebo
sun god Resheph (Hittites worshipped)
sun, Eastern Nebo (sun at greatest height)
sun, of the Lucius
sun, of the Lycia
sun-serpent Naashon
supplanter Jaakobah (Jacob)
swine Hezir
sword Samgar
termination Geba
terror Hatath
things which remain Sardis (Rev. 1.11)
thunder Barak
thundering Raamah
tower Migdol
tricks Achshaph
Venus-favored Epaphras or Epaphroditus
wall Kir
waster Apollos
waster Balak
watch Er
watcher Er
weasel Huldah
wicked Beliah
wickedness son Birsha
with Baal Ethbaal
worm, little Tola
worthless Beliah

some Names and titles given to Jesus Christ

2008-12-16T14:01:00.000-05:00

Advocate
Ancient of Days
Beloved
Blessed
Bright and Morning Star
Captain
Chosen
Covenant
Creator
Day Star
Deliverer
Eagle
Gift (of God)
Gracious
High Priest
Immortal
Invisible
Judge
King
Leader
Light
Master
Mediator
Merciful
Morning Star
Potentate
Prince
Prophet
Power (of God)
Purifier
Physician
Priest
Reaper
Righteousness
Seed of the Woman
Seed of (David or Abraham)
Servant
Shepherd
Shiloh
Spirit
Teacher
Truth
Wisdom (of God)
Worthy

definition of a mary-sue

2008-12-16T13:54:00.000-05:00

A mary-sue is a beautiful girl who gets somehow drawn into the main storyline. She's usually stunningly pretty, and everyone notices. Most of the time she's either a kick-arse modern chick with an independent attitude and a lust for life or a slender, fragile beauty. More often then not she's got long, wavy hair and deep, glowing pools for eyes. Her appearance in the series is part of her
attempt to resolve some issues that stem from a long ago problem that left her with issues. She comes in, and is instantly swept up into the main storyline, which is a good thing for our characters,
because the Mary-Sue is extremely multi-talented, often most talented in the expertise of our characters. In fact, unbeknownst to every one (including herself), she holds the key to solving the main problem our characters face. Her proficiency stems from her dark past, which is in some important way connected to the present problems. As the story unfolds, she must deal with her issues as she leads the heroes into victory against the almighty foe. Along the way, her charm will be noticed by one or more of the series' bishe (hot guys, for you non-anime people), who will usually discard the
romantic tension he had with some female character to fall hard for mary-sue. After the fight is over, he and her will ride off into coupledom together, or she will die in a blaze of triumph in the final battle, leaving her man scared, but a better person for having known her. Sometimes, both will die for their love, leaving the others to lament.

two: The problem with ooc is not that the audience is shocked by that character's break from cannon romance or the goofy things they do for love. The problem is that, too often, these stories become
formulated, with everyone going grossly out of character in order to pay homage to the new girl. Lots of times, the fandom comes to a point where the only kinds of stories posted are those like this. This gets really boring.

There's a difference between a well written female OC and and Mary-Sue. You can tell a Mary-Sue because she's so perfect, and any mistake she makes is little more than a ploy to get the characters
to gather and support her. In short, a Mary-sue story revolves around the Mary-Sue. A well-rounded OC story revolves around the series' characters.

Mensa Test

2008-12-16T13:53:00.000-05:00

Q: What do you put in a toaster?
*
*
*
*
A: The answer is bread. If you said "toast," then give up now and go
do something else before you hurt yourself. If you said "bread", go
to the next question.

***

Q: Say "silk" five times. Now, spell "silk." What do cows drink?
*
*
*
*
A: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the
next question. Your brain is obviously over- stressed and may even
overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading
something more appropriate such as "Children's World." If you
said "water", then proceed to the next question.

***

Q: If a red house is made with red bricks, a blue house is made with
blue bricks, a pink house is made with pink bricks, a black house is
made with black bricks, what is a greenhouse made with?
*
*
*
*
A: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what
the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you
said "glass", then go on to the next question.

***

Q: Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany.
If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into
West Germany and East Germany.
Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot,
realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on
a crash landing. Unfortunately, the engine fails before he has time
and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no-man's-land" between
East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors -
East Germany or West Germany or in "no-man's-land?"
*
*
*
*
A: You don't, of course, bury the survivors. If you said ANYTHING
else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone
from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated... If you
said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.

***

Q: If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every
minute, then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
*
*
*
*
A: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything else other
than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far,
but you are obviously out of your league.
Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the
final question.

***

Q: Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In
Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In
Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people
get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In
Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at
Milford Haven. Now, what was the name of the bus driver?
*
*
*
*
A: Oh, for Heaven's sake... It was you!

WHAT TO DO IF A NUCLEAR DISASTER IS IMMINENT!

2008-12-16T13:52:00.000-05:00

~~~ IF YOU ARE READING THIS ON-LINE, PRINT OUT SOME HARD-COPIES NOW! ~~~
PDF version for best printed copy is here http://www.ki4u.com/guide.pdf
IF you can do so quickly, e-mail the link to this page to all on your e-mail list...
www.ki4u.com/guide.htm
...with the brief message from you urging them to "Print and Read Now!"
Your top priority right now, though, is preparing for your own immediate family survival!
This guide is for families preparing for imminent terrorist or strategic nuclear attacks
with expected severe destruction followed by widespread radioactive fallout downwind.
IF ONLY A 'Dirty Bomb' Attack (Not the vastly more devastating nuclear weapon blasts with fallout discussed below.) - You can expect localized and downwind contamination from the explosion and dispersed radioactive materials. If you are near enough to see or hear any local bomb blast, assume that it includes radiological or chemical agents. You should move away from the blast area as quickly as possible. If the wind is blowing toward you from the direction of the blast, travel in a direction that is crosswise or perpendicular to the wind as you move away from the blast area. If possible cover your face with a dust mask or cloth to avoid inhaling potentially radioactive dust. Upon reaching a safe location, remove your outer clothing outside and shower as soon as possible. Refer to local news sources for additional instructions about sheltering or evacuation. The government is better prepared to direct and assist the public in a 'dirty bomb' incident, unlike an actual nuclear weapon attack discussed below.
In a national crisis of imminent nuclear weapon attacks, read all the way through this guide first,
THEN TAKE EFFECTIVE PROTECTIVE ACTION WITH CONFIDENCE... FAST!
#1 - STAY OR GO?
You must decide FIRST if you need to prepare where you are, or attempt evacuation. The nature of the threat, your prior preparations, and your confidence in your sources of information should direct your decision. If you know already you will be preparing to stay at your own home or, at least, the immediate local area, go now to #2 below.
If you are considering evacuation, your decision requires a very high confidence that it is worth the risk. You do not want to get stuck between your current location and your hoped for destination, as there will probably be no easy getting back. If you fail to get to your destination, you may be exposed without shelter, in a dangerous situation with little effective law enforcement, perhaps among panicked hordes of refugees. Whatever supplies you have may be limited then to what you can carry on foot. IF you are in a big city or near a military target, AND you have relatives or friends in the country that you know are awaiting you, AND the roads between you and them are clear, AND the authorities are not yet restricting traffic, AND you have the means and fuel, evacuation may be a viable option for a limited time. DO NOT attempt evacuation if all of the above is not clearly known, or if the situation is deteriorating too quickly to make the complete trip. You do not want to get stuck and/or become a refugee being herded along with panicked masses. If evacuation is truly a viable option, do not wait - GO NOW! Do so with as many of the supplies listed on the last page as possible. Better to be two days too early in arriving than two hours too late and getting snagged mid-way, potentially exposing your family to a worse fate than having stayed where you were. Because of the very real danger of getting caught in an evacuation stampede that stalls, almost all families will be better off making the best of it wherever they currently are.
#2 - WHAT YOU NEED TO DO FIRST
Because time is of the essence, you need to first delegate and assign to different adult family members specific tasks so they can all be accomplished at the same time. Your first priorities to assure your family survival are Shelter, Water, and Food/Supplies. While some are working on the water storage and shelter at home, others need to be acquiring, as much as possible, the food and supplies.
#3 - FOOD/SUPPLIES
Because much of the food and supplies listed on the last page of this guide may quickly become unavailable, you need to assign someone NOW to immediately go to the stores with that list! Get cash from the bank and ATM's first, but try and use credit cards at the stores, if at all possible, to preserve your cash.
#4 - WATER
With one or more adults now heading to the stores with the list on the last page, those remaining need to begin storing water IMMEDIATELY! Lack of clean water will devastate your family much more quickly and more severely than any lack of food. Without water for both drinking and continued good sanitary practices in food preparation and for bathroom excursions (which will inevitably be much less sanitary than normal), debilitating sickness could rampage through your household with little hope of prompt medical attention. That is a highly likely but, avoidable, disaster, ONLY IF you have enough water.
Every possible container needs to be filled with water RIGHT NOW! It will be very hard to have stored too much water. When the electricity/pumps go down or everybody in your community is doing the same thing, thus dropping the water pressure, what you've got is all you might be getting for a very long time. Empty pop bottles (1-3 liter) are ideal for water storage, also filling up the bathtub and washing machine. (Remember, later you'll have some in your hot water tank.) If you have any kiddie pools or old water beds, pull them out and fill them up, too. (Water from a water bed should be used only for bathing or cleaning, not for drinking as it may contain traces of algaecide and/or fungicides.) Anything and everything that'll hold water needs to be filled up quickly RIGHT NOW!!
One of the shopping items listed on the last page is new garbage cans and liner bags which you'll also use for storing water. If you can't get any more new cans, you could clean out an existing garbage can and scrub it throughout with bleach, then put in a new garbage bag liner and fill it with water. Even sturdy boxes could be used with bag liners. (Use two liners if they are very thin/flimsy.) Choose well where you fill up garbage cans with water because they won't easily be moved once full and many of them together could be too heavy for some upper floor locations. Ideally, they need to be very near where your shelter will be constructed and can actually add to its shielding properties, as you'll see below. BE ASSURED, YOU CANNOT STORE AND HAVE TOO MUCH WATER! Do not hesitate, fill up every possible container, RIGHT NOW!
#5 - SHELTER
The principles of radiation protection are simple - with many options and resources families can use to prepare or improvise a very effective shelter. You must throw off the self-defeating myths of nuclear un-survivability that may needlessly seal the fate of less informed families.
Radioactive fallout is the particulate matter (dust) produced by a nuclear explosion and carried high up into the air by the mushroom cloud. It drifts on the wind and most of it settles back to earth downwind of the explosion. The heaviest, most dangerous, and most noticeable fallout, will 'fall out' first close to ground zero. It may begin arriving minutes after an explosion. While the smaller and lighter dust-like particles will typically be arriving hours later, as they drift much farther downwind, often for hundreds of miles. As it settles, whether you can see it or not, fallout will accumulate and blow around everywhere just like dust or light snow does on the ground and roofs. Wind and rain can concentrate the fallout into localized 'hot spots' of much more intense radiation with no visible indication of its presence.
This radioactive fallout 'dust' is dangerous because it is emitting penetrating radiation energy (similar to x-ray's). This radiation (not the fallout dust) can go right through walls, roofs and protective clothing. Even if you manage not to inhale or ingest the dust, and keep it off your skin, hair, and clothes, and even if none gets inside your house, the radiation penetrating your home is still extremely dangerous, and can injure or kill you inside.
Radioactive fallout from a nuclear explosion, though very dangerous initially, loses its intensity quickly because it is giving off so much energy. For example, fallout emitting gamma ray radiation at a rate of 500 R/hr (fatal with one hour of exposure) shortly after an explosion, weakens to only 1/10th as strong 7 hours later. Two days later, it's only 1/100th as strong, or as deadly, as it was initially.
That is really very good news, because our families can readily survive it IF we get them into a proper shelter to safely wait it out as it becomes less dangerous with every passing hour.
What stops radiation, and thus shields your family, is simply putting mass between them and the radiation source. Like police body armor stopping bullets, mass stops (absorbs) radiation. The thicker the mass, the more radiation it stops. Also, the denser (heavier) the mass used, the more effective it is with every inch more you add to your fallout shelter. The thickness in inches needed to cut the radiation down to only 1/10th of its initial intensity for different common materials is: Steel 3.3", concrete 11", earth 16", water 24", wood 38", etc. The thickness required to stop 99% of the radiation is: 5" of steel, 16" of solid brick or hollow concrete blocks filled with mortar or sand, 2 feet of packed earth or 3 feet if loose, 3 feet of water. You may not have enough steel available, but anything you do have will have mass and can be used to add to your shielding - it just takes more thickness of lighter wood, for example, than heavier earth, to absorb and stop the same amount of radiation. Increasing the distance between your family and the radiation outside also reduces the radiation intensity.
The goals of your family fallout shelter are:
To maximize the distance away from the fallout 'dusting' outside on the ground and roof
To place sufficient mass between your family and the fallout to absorb the deadly radiation
To make the shelter tolerable to stay in while the radiation subsides with every passing hour
While a fallout shelter can be built anywhere, you should see what your best options are at home or nearby. Some structures already provide significant shielding or partial shielding that can be enhanced for adequate protection. If you do not have a basement available, you can still use the techniques shown below in any above ground structure, but you'll need to use more mass to achieve the same level of shielding. You may consider using other solid structures nearby, especially those with below ground spaces, such as commercial buildings, schools, churches, below ground parking garages, large and long culverts, tunnels, etc.. Some of these may require permissions and/or the acquiring of additional materials to minimize any fallout drifting or blowing into them, if open ended. Buildings with a half-dozen or more floors, where there is not a concern of blast damage, may provide good radiation protection in the center of the middle floors. This is because of both the distance and the shielding the multiple floors provide from the fallout on the ground and roof.
Bottom Line: choose a structure nearby with both the greatest mass and distance already in place between the outside, where the fallout would settle, and the shelter inside.
If you have a basement in your home, or at a nearby relatives' or friends' house that you can use, your best option is probably to fortify and use it, unless you have ready access to a better/deeper structure nearby.
For an expedient last-minute basement shelter, push a heavy table that you can get under into the corner that has the soil highest on the outside. The ground level outside ideally needs to be above the top of the inside shelter. If no heavy table is available, you can take internal doors off their hinges and lay them on supports to create your 'table'. Then pile any available mass on and around it such as books, wood, cordwood, bricks, sandbags, heavy furniture, full file cabinets, full water containers, your food stocks, and boxes and pillow cases full of anything heavy, like earth. Everything you could pile up and around it has mass that will help absorb and stop more radiation from penetrating inside - the heavier the better. However, be sure to reinforce your table and supports so you do not overload it and risk collapse.

Leave a small crawl-through entrance and more mass there that can be easily pulled in after you to seal it up. Have at least two gaps or 4-6" square air spaces, one high at one end and one low at the other. Use more if crowded and/or hotter climate. A small piece of cardboard can help fan fresh air in if the natural rising warmer air convection current needs an assist moving the air along. This incoming air won't need to be filtered if the basement has been reasonably sealed up, however any windows or other openings will require some solid mass coverage to assure they stay sealed and to provide additional shielding protection for the basement. More details on this in the next (#6) section.
With more time, materials, and carpentry or masonry skills, you could even construct a more formal fallout shelter, such as the lean-to shown to the right, but you will need to assure structural integrity is achieved and adequate mass is utilized.
An effective fallout shelter constructed in a basement may reduce your radiation exposure 100-200 fold. Thus, if the initial radiation intensity outside was 500 R/hr (fatal in one hour), the basement shelter occupants might only experience 5 R/hr or even less, which is survivable, as the radiation intensity will be decreasing with every passing hour.

Adding mass on the floor above your chosen basement corner, and outside against the walls opposite your shelter, can dramatically increase your shielding protection. Every inch thicker adds up to more effective life-saving radiation shielding.
As cramped as that crawl space fallout shelter might seem, the vital shielding provided by simply moving some mass into place could be the difference between exposure to a lethal dose of radiation and the survival of your family.
The majority of people requiring any sheltering at all will be many miles downwind, and they will not need to stay sheltered for weeks on end. In fact, most people will only need to stay sheltered full-time for a few days before they can start coming out briefly to attend to quick essential chores. Later, they can begin spending ever more time out of the shelter daily, only coming back in to sleep. As miserable as it might seem now, you and your family can easily endure that, especially compared to the alternative.
It's really not so difficult to build an effective family fallout shelter, not to get it done... RIGHT NOW!

#6 - ESSENTIAL DETAILS
If you've accomplished the above; securing your supplies, stored water, and built your family fallout shelter, CONGRATULATIONS! You have now succeeded in improving the odds of survival for your family 100-fold, or more! Now, you need to expand your knowledge and fine-tune the tactics that will make the most of your family survival strategy.
Government information and guidance is a vital resource in your response to a nuclear crisis, but for many reasons it may be late, incomplete, misleading or simply in error. While evacuation might be prudent for individuals who act quickly in response to a threat, governments will be slow to call for mass evacuations because of their potential for panic and gridlock. As the recent government calls for duct tape and plastic sheeting led to sold-out stores, anxiety, and derision from the press, there will be great reluctance to issue similar alarms. If you want to assure that you have adequate food and supplies for your family you must act BEFORE the panic without first waiting for government instructions that may never come or as urgently as warranted. You alone are ultimately responsible for your family.
Filtering the air coming into your basement shelter won't be required. Air does not become radioactive, and if your basement is reasonably snug, there won't be any wind blowing through it to carry the radioactive fallout dust inside. Simply sealing any basement windows and other openings prevents significant fallout from getting inside. To improve both the radiation shielding inside the basement, and to protect the windows from being broken and letting fallout blow in later, you should cover them all with wood, and then with sandbags or solid masonry blocks or earth, etc. on the outside and inside too, if possible. If the basement air gets seriously stale later on, you could re-open a door into the upper floors of the still closed house, or secure a common furnace air filter over an outside air opening leading into your basement.
Regarding fallout contamination, any food or water stored in sealed containers, that can later have any fallout dust brushed or rinsed off the outside of the container, will then be safe to use. As long as the fallout dust does not get inside the container, then whatever radiation penetrated the food/water container from the outside does not harm the contents. If you suspect that your clothes have fallout on them, remove your outer clothing before you come inside and leave them outside. A cheap plastic hooded rain poncho that can be easily rinsed off or left outside is very worthwhile. Have water and baby shampoo near the entrance (hose and containers) to wash and thoroughly rinse any exposed skin and hair. Exposure to fallout radiation does not make you radioactive, but you need to assure that you don't bring any inside. If any are stricken with radiation sickness, typically nausea, it is when mild (<100 Rads) 100% recoverable and cannot be passed on to others. Before fallout arrives, you might also try to cover up items you want to protect outside for easier rinsing off of the fallout dust later when it's safe to come out and do so. For instance, if you have a vegetable gardening spot, you might try covering much of it with plastic or tarp and weighting them down.
If without sufficient time to acquire radiological instruments of your own, like Geiger counters and dosimeters, you'll need to be extra sure that your portable radios function properly from inside your shelter and that you have plenty of fresh batteries stocked for them. Without radiological instruments, listening for official guidance about the radiation threat levels in your particular area will be the only way you'll know when it's becoming safe to venture out. It might also be the only way you'll know when you first need to take your initial maximum protective action. When not in use, they should not be attached to any outside antenna or even have their own antenna extended. And, they should be wrapped in any non-conducting insulation, like layers of paper or bubble wrap plastic and then stored in a metal container or wrapped in aluminum foil to minimize the potential of EMP ruining the electronics. Having back-up radios would be very prudent. With extra radios, you can have one always tuned to the closest likely target city and, if it suddenly goes off the air, that could be your first indication of an attack.
If close to a target, your first indication of a nuclear detonation may be with its characteristic blinding bright flash. The first effects you may have to deal with before radioactive fallout arrives, depending on your proximity to it, are blast and thermal energy. Promptly employing the old "Duck & Cover" strategy will save many from avoidable flying debris injuries and minimize thermal burns. Those very close will experience tornado strength winds and should quickly dive behind any solid object or into any available depression, culvert, etc. A very large 500 kiloton blast, 2.2 miles away, will arrive about 8 seconds after the detonation flash with a very strong three second wind blast. That delay is much greater further away. That is a lot of time to take cover IF alert and you should stay down for up to 2 minutes. If not near any target 'ground zero' you will only, like the vast majority, have to deal with the fallout later.
When fallout is first anticipated, but has not yet arrived, anyone not already sheltered should begin using a dust protector filter mask and hooded rain ponchos. Everyone should begin taking Potassium Iodide (KI) or Potassium Iodate (KIO3) tablets for thyroid protection against cancer causing radioactive iodine, a major product of nuclear weapons explosions. If no tablets available, you can topically (on the skin) apply an iodine solution, like tincture of iodine or Betadine, for a similar protective effect. (WARNING: Iodine solutions are NEVER to be ingested or swallowed.) For adults, paint 8 ml of a 2 percent tincture of Iodine on the abdomen or forearm each day, ideally at least 2 hours prior to possible exposure. For children 3 to 18, but under 150 pounds, only half that amount painted on daily, or 4 ml. For children under 3 but older than a month, half again, or 2 ml. For newborns to 1 month old, half it again, or just 1 ml. (One measuring teaspoon is about 5 ml, if you don't have a medicine dropper graduated in ml.) If your iodine is stronger than 2%, reduce the dosage accordingly. Absorption through the skin is not as reliable a dosing method as using the tablets, but tests show that it will still be very effective for most. Do not use if allergic to iodine. If at all possible, inquire of your doctor NOW if there is any reason why anybody in your household should not use KI or KIO3 tablets, or iodine solutions on their skin, in a future nuclear emergency, just to be sure.
When you know that the time to take protective action is approaching, turn off all the utilities into the house, check that everything is sealed up and locked down, and head for the shelter. You should also check that you have near your shelter additional tools, crow bars, and car jacks for digging out later, if required, and fire extinguishers handy, too. Also, any building supplies, tools, sheet plastic, staple guns, etc. for sealing any holes from damage. Your basement should already be very well sealed against fallout drifting inside. Now, you'll need to seal around the last door you use to enter with duct tape all around the edges, especially if it's a direct to the outside door.
You don't need to risk fire, burns, and asphyxiation trying to cook anything in the cramped shelter space, if you have pre-positioned in your shelter enough canned goods, can opener, and other non-perishable foods, that are ready-to-eat without preparation. More food, along with water, can be located right outside your crawl space entrance that you can pull in quickly as needed when safe to do so.
For lighting needs within the shelter have many small LED flashlights or LED head-lamps to stretch your battery life. Try not to have to use candles if at all possible. Bring in some books for yourself and games for the children. Maybe throw in a small/thin mattress, some cushions, blankets, pillows, etc.
Toilet use will be via the 5 gallon bucket with a seat borrowed from one of the house bathrooms, if you did not purchase a separate one. Garbage bag liners, preferably sized for it, should always be used and a full-size and bag lined garbage can should be positioned very close to the shelter entrance for depositing these in when it is safe to do so quickly. Hanging a sheet or blanket will help provide a little privacy as shelter occupants 'take their turn'. The toilet needs to have its new 'deposits' sealed up tight with the plastic liner after each use. Use a very secure top on the bucket and position it near the wall with the outgoing upper air vent.
Pets, and what to do about them, is a tough call. Letting dogs run free is not a humane option, both for their potential to die a miserable death from radiation exposure outside and/or to be a danger to others, especially if they get diseased and/or run in the inevitable packs of multitudes of other abandoned pets. Caring for them is ideal, if truly realistic and not a drain on limited resources, while 'putting them down' might eventually become a painful, but necessary reality if the disruption of services and food supplies was very long term.
Boiling or bleach water treatments will be used for cleaning your stored water later for drinking. (This is for killing bacteria, not for radiation contamination, which is never a concern for any stored and covered water containers or even sealed food.) Tap water recently put into clean containers won't likely need to be purified before using. To purify questionable water, bring it to a roiling boil and keep it there for 10 minutes at least. If you don't have the fuel to boil it, you can kill the bacteria by mixing in a good quality household bleach at the rate of 10 drops per gallon, and letting it sit for at least 1/2 an hour. The bleach should be at least 5.25% pure, like Clorox, but be sure it has no additives such as soap or fragrance. You can later get rid of the flat taste from boiling, or some of the chlorine taste when using bleach, by pouring it from one container to another several times.
There's much more that can be learned to better understand what you are up against and to acquire to help your family survive and to better endure all of this. While time allows, and if the Internet is still up & running, task someone with getting and printing out this additional information and see the short Civil Defense films below them.
The Good News About Nuclear Destruction
Jericho Syndrome - No Knowledge, No Instruments Equals Panic!
Nuclear War Survival Skills
"Know What To Do" 3 minute PSA video
Core shelter video (inner shelter basics that can be made in 30 minutes)
Civil Defense films made during the Cold War. Old fashioned, but tactics of radiation protection are timeless.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dobys9s9f2w
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1528313029232126903&q=duck+cover&hl=en
http://www.archive.org/stream/AboutFal1963/AboutFal1963_256kb.mp4
If there is also enough time to both order, and be shipped, your own radiation detection and monitoring instruments, potassium iodide anti-radiation tablets, Nuclear Survival handbooks, etc., check first for remaining availability at these links...
http://www.radmeters4u.com/package.htm
http://www.nukalert.com
http://www.ki4u.com/products1.htm
BOTTOM LINE:
When the TV or radio program switches abruptly to an terse announcement saying: "We Interrupt This Program For This Special Bulletin!", and your kids look up to you with questioning wide-eyes and eager for assurances, know then that you are confidently ready for them with your own Plan of Action ready to go! That's what this is all about... our children!

This guide was purposely designed with the sober realization that the overwhelming majority of our fellow Americans would not be compelled to read such a guide until a nuclear crisis was imminent and, unfortunately, their preparation options and time to prepare then would be very limited. www.ki4u.com and other survival equipment suppliers will again be quickly sold-out, as all were after 9/11. This guide then will be the best/only help that we can offer. If you are fortunate enough to be exploring your family preparation needs and options before such a future national crisis, there is much more that you can and should do now to insure that they are even better prepared.
"A prudent man foresees the difficulties ahead and prepares for them;
the simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences." - Proverbs 22:3
LIST OF SUPPLIES TO ACQUIRE LOCALLY
If stores are still at all stocked, and safe to go to, try to buy as many of the following items as possible... IMMEDIATELY! There are no quantities listed here on the food items below as family size varies and because, as the emergency and panic widens, many items will become quickly sold-out or quantities restricted and you'll need to try to get more of what does remain on the shelves. At a minimum you should be looking at two weeks of provisions, but much better to be aiming for two months or more. The reality is, if/when we are attacked, it will be a very long time before anything is ever 'normal' again, especially at any grocery stores. Hurricane victims can attest to the prolonged misery and disruptions from even a localized disaster, even with the rest of the country still able to help out. Nobody can begin to imagine how bad the suffering will be, and for how long, if nuclear weapons have gone off... and in multiple locations!
The half-dozen top listed and UNDERLINED food items below are primarily for use while in the shelter. They are mostly ready-to-eat that requires no cooking or preparation, just a can opener at the most. (The iodine solution is included here because of its importance for its thyroid-blocking topical use detailed above, but it's NEVER to be ingested or swallowed.) The other foods listed below there are better cost/nutrition staples for later use during the extended recovery period. Then follows general non-food supplies, tools and equipment.
Go Acquire It All Now QUICKLY!
It's much better to risk being a little early when securing your families essential food and supplies, rather than a few hours too late...
Canned goods (pasta, soups, chili, vegetables, fruit, tuna, meats, beans, peanut butter, etc.)
Ready-to-eat foods (pop-tarts, raisins, cheese, granola/energy/protein bars, snack-paks, etc.)
Some perishable foods (breads and fruits like bananas, apples, oranges, grapes, etc.)
Assorted drink mix flavorings (with no cold drinks, just plain water, kids will appreciate it!)
Plenty of potent Multi-Vitamins, Vit C, etc.
Iodine solution, like Betadine (16 ounces)- NOT TO BE INGESTED OR SWALLOWED!
Multiple big boxes of dried milk (Could include/use some inside shelter, too.)
Multiple big boxes of pancake and biscuit mix & syrup
Largest bags of rice
Largest bags of beans
Largest bags of flour
Largest bags of potatoes
Largest bags quick oats and other grains
Largest bags of macaroni
Large bag of sugar
Large jar of honey
Large 2 gallons or more of cooking oil
Baking powder & baking soda & spice assortment pack
Bottled water (especially if home supplies not secured yet)
Paper or plastic plates/bowls/cups/utensils
Quality manual can opener, 2 if you don't already have one at home
Kitchen matches and disposable lighters
New garbage cans and lots of liner bags (water storage & waste storage)
5 gallon bucket and smaller garbage bags sized for it (toilet)
Toilet seat for the bucket (or use one from inside the house)
Toilet paper and, if needed, sanitary napkins, diapers
Baby wipes (saves water for personal hygiene use)
Flashlights (ideally LED) and more than one portable radio
Plenty more batteries, at least three sets, for each of the above
Bleach (5.25%, without fragrance or soap additives)
Alcohol and Hydrogen Peroxide
Aspirin/Tylenol/Motrin, Pepto Bismol, etc.
Prescription drugs filled, and as much extra as possible
First aid kits
Fire extinguishers
Plenty of inexpensive dust mask filter protectors
Cheap plastic hooded rain ponchos for everyone
Water filters and all other camping type supplies, such as Coleman cook
stove and fuel, ammo, etc., if any sporting goods stocks still available.
And, of course, rolls of plastic sheeting, duct tape, staple guns, staples, etc.
Everyone is invited to copy, post, print, and distribute this 'WHAT TO DO IF A NUCLEAR DISASTER IS IMMINENT!' guide anywhere, as long as they do so without charging anything for it. It must be reproduced in entirety, including this notice, and not be altered or edited. To contact the author with comments and suggestions, e-mail: Shane Connor at webmaster@ki4u.com. This guide will be continually 'fine-tuned' so, before distributing it, download it fresh from http://www.ki4u.com/guide.htm or to print out, use this PDF version here http://www.ki4u.com/guide.pdf
Last Update: 9/16/2006

Enneagram -- NINE

2008-12-16T13:50:00.000-05:00

"Nine" by Tom Chou
Mediator.
The underlying motivation of type 9 is peaceful acceptance of their surroundings. They try to minimize conflicts, and their detached acceptance of life often gives them a settling, calming influence on others. Average 9s are considered "easy-going" people, and when they get angry it is brief, like a summer squall that quickly passes. Average 9s see many sides of a debate which at best makes them unusually accepting, but at worst makes them vacillate, forget their own priorities, and become empty shells with no identity of their own.

Others can learn from the 9's patience and ability to accept. Conversely, the 9 can learn from some of the more focused personalities how to stay with their own priorities in life, without getting distracted.

The underlying 9 motivation may have different outward appearances. Introverted nines literally blend into the background in that they neither seek attention nor do they express strong emotional reactions. Extroverted nines willingly become the center of attention, but they still aim to harmonize with others and smooth over conflicts. Unhealthy 9s may seem passive most of the time, only to explode with pent up anger, while healthy 9s learn to handle conflicts without suppressing their own needs. Nines often take on the personality traits of others around them - this quality helps them understand others, but once again diverts them from their own needs.

Famous 9s: Walt Disney, Walter Cronkite, Ronald Reagan, Carl Jung, Bill Clinton, Albert Einstein.

Comparisons with other types: See type two.
Tom's site :http://www.fas.harvard.edu/~tchou
"Nine" by C.Thomson
No Priorities

We don't always have to go to the movies to see a type acted out in vivid color. When we get to eights and nines, we can just remember the 1996 elections. Dole was a clear eight and Clinton, a nine. Clinton can easily be confused with a three because like a lot of nines, he gets swept up in whatever is going on. Many really fine athletes are nines (Joe Montana comes to mind) and their talent lies in just submitting to the flow of the game and mastering it, using their skills at merging to become totally absorbed.

Clinton is leading a three country in a threeish job so when he just goes with the energy flow he looks like a three sometimes. But here are some things that point to his nine-ness. The New Yorker (Sept. 23, 1996 p. 56) describes his giving a speech in this way: "He gave a long speech. It was not a good speech in any classical sense -- it was, as most of his speeches are, too multitudinous in specifics, and lacking in coherence -- but it was casual and fluid, moving from one part to another with an internal rhythm. It was likable, and the man who was delivering it was likable, too." Later, they describe his method of giving speeches:. "Merely addressing what Clinton says is an exhausting, endless chore, as George Bush found, because he says so much and because the things he says are all so mixed together -- some are true, some not, some are important, some are meaningless; some have nothing to do with Clinton, some are real, some are vapor." (p.57) Dole may have thought this was strategy and it was, but it was his enneagram strategy. Nines do not have a clear grasp of what is primary and what is secondary and they are not organized thinkers, as a rule. What the frustrated writers report is just the muddled, wandering, unprioritized, global thinking of a nine.

Like the 2-3-4 center has confusion about how to feel and the 5,6,7 center has a knot in the will, the 8-9-1 center, often called the gut center or instinctive center, has a knot in their thinking. In a certain way they don't think clearly, especially with words. They often have uncanny intuition - a "gut feeling" but they tend not to be articulate.

Clinton's speech patterns reveal the life struggle of the nines. Nines tend to merge with their environment, go with the flow, include everyone. They are often leaders because they know what everybody else wants and that is what they want. Clinton is not our only recent nine president. Reagan is a nine. His falling asleep was metaphorical - nines are oblivious to themselves. Reagan's cheerful oblivion was one way the nine minimizes life's struggles. Eisenhower was a leader, but his campaign slogan had no content at all. It simply said "I Like Ike." Nines are often lovable. Reagan was loved even by people who disliked his economic and political policies. Quayle, another nine, is a little different. He manifests the same thinking problem that Reagan and Clinton do, only his was more of a vacant nobody-at-home symptom rather than the simplified Reagan thought cloud or the prolix unprioritized thought of Clinton. These politicians are intelligent nines, but their intelligence is interpersonal, intuitive and non-verbal.

Dole had a hard time attacking Clinton because Clinton was all over the lot. He had so many ideas, so many positions that Dole could shoot down one or some, but Clinton had no priorities, so Dole couldn't focus his eightish wrath on any important one. Dole had a few broad planks (which he defended with fierce eightness). Clinton had 300 skinny ones.

Reagan was hard to attack, too (Teflon president), because he talked in anecdotes and little stories that really didn't have any cognitive dimension. How do you attack a little story?

Nines specialize in being hard to attack. From childhood they perfected the art of not getting caught in storms, of staying alive in a hostile or unstable environment. They emotionally and intellectually just hunker down and lie low. They often have a sweet quality about them with no hard edges.

Nines have anger - a lot of it - but it's imploded, turned in on themselves. It smolders, but it doesn't explode very often. Rather it becomes passive aggressive - extremely hard to deal with. Clinton is often attacked for having no agenda and that's almost right. His nine agenda is to get along with everyone, include everyone (remember his first inauguration - The Way America Looks - with every kind of music and art he could cram into it?) Nines often have difficult prioritizing - Clinton is no exception - and they merge with whoever has a strong agenda. People sense this about Bill and Hilary. He is our leader, she is his.

Watch when Clinton ends his speeches, that plea for congress to work with him is real. He doesn't like conflict deep down and he would really like to cooperate.

Resources:
See the movie, The Last Picture Show / Texasville (the sequel) They are both about a town with about nine characters and they are living in a nine environment - a land without hope or future.

Jerry Wagner's The Enneagram Spectrum of Personality Styles has a good 101 profile of style nine. Nines are hard to recognize because you are sorting for something that is not there, namely a self-assertion.

Exercises:
1. If you are a nine, one of your best exercises is a daily list of priorities. Check them at the end of the day and see if you did what you said you would, or whether you did other people's priorities.

2. Nines find goal-setting quite helpful. All the goal-setting literature is written by threes, so books will be intimidating, but setting a few modest goals would be helpful for you.

3. Negatively, make a list of what you have intended to do for a long time and haven't done. Then discuss with yourself first and then with friends what you would really like to do instead of what you have been considering as goals that really weren't. For example, if you've said you were going to go back to school or take a class in something, you very likely don't want to do it (that's why you didn't!) Can you get in touch with what you would really like to do?

4. For one week, keep track of how much time you spent watching TV. Nines can easily become couch potatoes. If you don't watch TV, do you have an equivalent?

5. Can you find any common denominators in Clinton, Reagan, and Quayle?
Clarence Thomson's site :http://www.enneagramcentral.com/

"Nine" by MaryBast
The Diplomat

Beneath his calm exterior, Barry Foster typified the adage that "still waters run deep." He had a sincere, affectionate quality and "wore well" over time. He had a global, complex view of situations -- others liked to bounce around their ideas with Barry because he could understand and appreciate a variety of viewpoints simultaneously.

In fact, he often played the role of intermediary (or buffer) with colleagues who were having difficulty with each other. He's a great consensus builder.

On the down side, Barry's boss pointed out that he could be more assertive. He seemed a little too dependent on seeking others' views before deciding, and he would sometimes change his mind too easily (to complicate matters, he could also be quite stubborn, once he took a stand).

His boss appreciated Barry's collaborative management style, but wished he could be more effective in dealing with a couple of people on his team who just weren't producing.

Barry's development work gave him the skills to confront performance problems. He also became more confident in his own opinions, spoke up more in meetings, and paradoxically let go of some of his stubborn behavior.

"Plain" Vanilla

(This article first appeared in my "Getting Down to Business" column in The Electric Enneagram at Enneagram Central)

I once read an article that quoted the Dalai Lama (probably a Nine) as saying he had work-out equipment in his office to keep himself from being tense, then adding with a laugh: "But I don't like to sweat." This is a perfect metaphor for Nines and very characteristic of my client, Dale Rogers, in her general style. Dale told me that she forces herself to work out to keep her weight under control, but takes pride in completing her routine "without breaking into a sweat." (By the way, she often goes to the company gym at lunch with her colleague Al--an Eight--who takes equal pride in "sweating like a horse" and who jokingly describes Dale as a "wimp who's afraid to be uncomfortable!")

"Dale always seems up to date with what's going on in our company, and could probably sit in the Vice President's chair," remarked Al, "but she needs to show more visible leadership. 'Passion' is not a word you'd associate with her. She's conservative, doesn't inspire excitement, and sometimes people need to know you can't be pushed around."

"Dale's better informed about the new technology than anyone else in Headquarters," said another colleague, "and she's really good at getting people together for input. She works by consensus, and I've seen her handle some tough personnel situations very well. But I'm not sure she'd be decisive enough in her boss's job."

"I often wonder why she doesn't take a stronger position--she's a nice person, maybe a little too nice," concluded a third observer. "I've seen her say her piece if she feels strongly, but she needs a better ability to sell herself and to fight for what the department needs." "She's easy to be around," commented her boss, "but she has a kind of 'vanilla' quality. She sometimes fades into the woodwork, though she wears pretty well over time."

A fairly laissez-faire manager, Dale had picked people to work for her over the years who were independent and competent. She had risen in the organization as it grew in its industry, without it being an issue that almost all her decisions were made by consensus. She was kind and considerate, genuinely concerned with the common good, but in a position now where she was required to demonstrate more personal decisiveness, particularly if she was to be considered as a back-up to the Vice President.

The "vanilla" quality referred to above was hard for others to clearly articulate. "I don't know how to describe it," said a fellow team member, "She's a great manager and a competent executive, but she's not feisty enough."

In her self-assessment Dale described her childhood: "I was praised for being well-behaved, so there was no need for a whole lot of rules. My parents left me pretty much to my own devices. They never came to school events. As a teenager I took up golf so I could play with my father, but he was so engrossed in his own game he never noticed how I was playing." When asked how she felt about that as a child she pondered a moment, then answered: "I think I just realized that's how things were and figured there was no use getting upset about it."

I'd like to contrast Dale with another Nine executive because I think it's important to not stereotype Nines as being exclusively "peacemakers." I'm a Nine, too, so I speak with some experience when I say that our relationship with anger is very complex. Certainly we tend to be passive-aggressive, but that can show up in a whole variety of ways.

It's been my experience in teaching the Enneagram to groups of business people that they often mistype Nines at first because of the way their anger shows up. George, the Chief Operating Officer of a middle-sized corporation, for example, was first guessed to be an Eight or a One by one of my colleagues working in the same organization. George's anger ranged from a One-ish nonverbal message (disapproving frown) to a more explosive, Eight-ish, prima-donna-like quality. Let's listen in on what his subordinates had to say:

"He needs to understand the impact of his style--one employee left because of what he said and how. This person couldn't attend a meeting because of something going on with her mother and George made a crack about 'You have to ask your mother?'" (George, as an aside, was attempting a joke.)

"Our team members all trust and respect him and he's been very helpful in regard to my weaknesses -- making suggestions and giving positive feedback, but he initially intimidated the hell out of me. He can look distracted and people think he's disapproving or angry."

"One time he literally screamed, bounced off the walls, stormed around his office, so we've worked out a deal that when he's emotional I go away and come back when he's calmed down."

"He blows up, yells, then apologizes--he never stays in a foul mood for long."

Yet we know that George is a Nine:

"The power of discipline and structure--and fear--when I was growing up was with my father. There was no way to overtly question any of his ideas. I still can't stand to be bossed. I had a teacher in fourth grade who was a nun, and a tyrant. One day she called me out of a classroom, took me to a dark hall, and said, 'You told some children on the playground that I'm a blabbermouth.' I didn't say that, but she wanted me to admit it and I wouldn't do it, so she kept me in that dark hall all afternoon. There have been episodes with authorities my whole life--I don't go after them, but if they come after me I'll dig my heels in, and when that happens, my migraines go through the roof.

I generally approach people in a trusting way. Of all the varied people in my life, I've found a way to work with almost all of them. I don't like to be demanding because I feel people do the best they can do. It's very hard for me to decide what I want--I find myself responding to other peoples' demands a lot of the time. I don't think I'm a masochist, but sometimes I forget to take care of myself. Just the other day someone asked me to take over their project when I already have almost no space of my own, and I stuttered and stammered before I finally said I couldn't."

We focused on two key overlapping areas as part of George's development plan:

(1) George communicated well in a group when his purpose was clear, and used analogies that people could relate to, but it was said that "his main thing is talking, not listening--he's not a great extemporaneous speaker." He gained an understanding of his "epic tales" through the Enneagram, and learned to outline his main objective and 3-5 key talking points. He also began to check in with his audience periodically, because what was perfectly clear to him was not always clear to others.

(2) Underlying his difficulty focusing in groups was George's extreme distractibility: "He laughs out loud at things that are only mildly amusing." "He rubs his face, walks around the room." "He fidgets, loses interest." "He has the strongest nonverbals I've ever seen--such as shaking his head." "He leaps to his feet to answer questions directed at others." George even went to be tested for adult ADD, but was found to be in a "normal" range. However, we both felt that "ADD" was a terrific metaphor to frame his distractibility (and his angry outbursts) because the research on ADD offered some concrete ideas on how to focus better. We divided these into two key areas:

Behavioral (some of these ideas and some of those below came from Helen Palmer):
Say no to tasks you don't want or know you won't finish.
Minimize external stimuli when you need to focus on a task.
Start with short time frames (e.g., 15 minutes) and build to longer time frames.
Formulate an overall task, then break it down to segments that can be done in short time frames; make strategic use of deadlines; focus on the immediate next step vs. the final goal.
Give yourself timed breaks along the way.
Plan rewards to indulge yourself when you've accomplished parts of a task (but keep a time limit on these, as well).
Have several things going at once, so that you can switch from timed segments with one kind of task to timed segments with another. (I know this sounds strange, but it works for Nines!)
Emotional
Notice what immediately precedes your shifts of attention; stay with and discover the attached feelings.
Do some grief work (e.g., anger over feeling discounted, sorrow over lost years before you gained focus in your career).
Develop a meditation discipline to learn how to "bring your mind home" when it wanders.
Develop your negotiation skills with the purpose of developing confidence in stating an opinion without escalating an argument.
Practice ways to discover and acknowledge your anger without acting out of it (you will probably find that you do have an opinion, that you can share in a straightforward and assertive way):
Imagine your anger being played out until the "charge" lessens (the more outrageous, the better; e.g., rip their face off in your mind--it's a way of encouraging your shadow side to show itself).
Use Albert Ellis's Rational Emotive Therapy technique to calm down the level of emotion while you look for its "irrational" basis. Often Nines victimize themselves with their own anger instead of discovering what they want and acting on it.
Respond to criticism without defensiveness, particularly when feeling discounted. This will uncover how you discount yourself and help you stand up for yourself in an assertive way.
Most important, observe yourself when "hooked," without judgment. The more you are able to do this, the less frequently you will act in habitual ways and the more you will remember yourself.

Please be Patient...

Several years ago I worked with a small business where the CEO (Bob) and the President (Helen) had very different world views and very different levels of trust in each others' capability. Bob saw his younger sibling as "too hard-working, too focused on the details and not enough on our strategy." Helen saw her older brother as "ignoring the business," more interested in chewing the fat with customers than in doing the paperwork required to administer his part of the organization.

With their input, I decided to start our work together with a review of conflict management dynamics. Filley pointed out as long ago as 1975 (Interpersonal Conflict Resolution) that while we have a choice between behavior which (1) defeats one or both of us or (2) provides mutually beneficial solutions, we also have an unconsciously learned pattern of competition, dominance, aggression, and defense. The use of problem-solving skills, on the other hand, appears to require conscious effort to develop and practice.

All of the sources I researched concurred that we need to treat the other person's concerns as legitimate if we are to expect the same consideration in return. Rather than interpreting others' motives by seeing them through our own filters, we need to listen and learn. We need to show empathy, promote equality, be descriptive, creative, collaborative, and spontaneous.

But we've learned to protect our self-image by strategizing to keep things within our own control, becoming defensive when we feel threatened, acting on our assumptions, and using "either/or" thinking. In fact, the most common and most unproductive trap in approaching conflict is trying to change the other person. In a very real sense the only person you know you can change is yourself.

The irony of mentioning my work with Bob and Helen is that I didn't practice what I preach. After three meetings I abruptly terminated the consultation because I felt Bob was being dishonest. Although I had emphasized the importance of open communication, he continued to say one thing in private and another in our meetings with his sister.

His behavior "hooked" me and instead of confronting him I obsessed over his behavior for days. I blamed Bob for the failure of our work together (citing to myself the many successes I'd had in similar circumstances and--by the way--protecting my self-image and avoiding what I anticipated as a difficult confrontation).

What I could have done if I'd stepped aside for just a moment when I started becoming aware of my own anxiety was to ask him why his behavior was different in meetings than in private with me. I could have asked myself how his behavior was threatening me, what investment I had in certain outcomes.

I could have told him I felt frustrated, and why, and asked him to work with me to improve our relationship. Bob and Helen might never have been able to work better together (I heard they did eventually split). But he would have had a powerful model for a more constructive way of approaching conflict.

I did tell Bob by phone that his behavior was inconsistent and that I wasn't sure he was serious about doing the work. I also said I would work with him in the future after he had practiced for several months the skills he had agreed to in private with me ("I'll call you," he said...). But notice that I wasn't talking about our relationship or what I brought to the interaction that had me react so strongly to his inconsistency!

I remember a bumper sticker I saw once: Please be patient...God isn't finished with me yet. I try to be patient with myself, to stay in the process, to remember to "step aside," when I can, from my own Nine defenses and preconceptions. I hope you will be equally patient with yourself.

Mary's site :http://ww4.choice.net/~marybast/index.htm

"Nine" by Tom Condom

People who are receptive to their environment and play down their own presence. When healthy they often are loving, modest and trusting. When unhealthy they can be stubborn, lazy and soul-dead.

Unlike Eights, who mobilize and directly express aggression, Nines take their underlying emotion of anger and tamp it down. Their central defensive strategy is to self-efface, to blend with and accommodate their environment. This tactic requires that Nines suppress their rough edges and conceal any part of them that might seem disagreeable. Most Nines are angry about the consequences of this strategy -- other people overlook them -- but this anger is expressed in indirect ways.

Since most Nines have taken on the coloration of their environment, there is a confusing variety to people with this style. Nines can have a wide range of occupations and outwardly appear much different from each other. What they share underneath, however, is a distinct tendency to fall asleep to their real inner needs. Remember when you are trying to identify a Nine that you are looking for the absence of something rather than an obvious definite quality that the person asserts.

Nines have sometimes been described as the “common people” of the Enneagram. When healthy, they possess a deep personal modesty and an elegant simplicity of thought. Awakened Nines are even-tempered, stable, unassuming, nonjudgmental and comfortable with who they are. They often have a cheerful Seven-like outlook, though they live in the present and not the future.

Many Nines have a calm, egoless, focused power that they bring to bear on whatever is important to them. This power is generally rooted in love whether the Nine thinks of it that way or not. Most healthy people with this style have a desire to contribute, to give to others freely, and to adminstrate their world in a way that benefits everyone they care about.

Nines are natural diplomats and mediators, and can be quite skilled at resolving conflict. Since they seek peace, union and harmony, it is often easy for a Nine to find points of agreement between warring parties. From there a Nine might patiently negotiate settlements that build on small positive steps. Awakened Nines are gently dynamic, suffused with a highly integrated sense of self and implicit mission. Most are also flexible and have the ability to state blunt, difficult truths in useful ways that somehow donít make others defensive.

When less healthy, a Nine's apparent simplicity becomes more like self-concealment. Entranced Nines begin to merge blindly with the wishes of others and the roles their environment wants them to play. In the process, they erase their own needs, priorities and ambitions. A Nine might give away his or her sense of initiative in order to have no opinion and thus keep an apparent peace. The more they absent themselves from their own life, the more passive, unfocused and ambivalent they become.

Entranced Nines tend to see all sides of a situation and identify equally with each outside perspective. They often focus on absurd or irrelevant details and lose the forest for the trees. They can be overly responsible but underperforming, obsessively complicating simple tasks even as they minimize the consequence of not getting important things done. Going in circles relieves them of the necessity to make decisions and personal choices, to take responsibility for having a self that they think might upset others.

Entranced Nines often have trouble overtly saying no, but say it in other ways, usually through silent stubbornness and passive aggression. Nines usually blame others explicitly or indirectly for the life they feel they can't really have. Way deep down there's an angry, depressed nihilism in most unhealthy Nines. They have given up on their life and see no reason to stir themselves up to play at what they're concluded is an empty, fruitless game.

When deeply entranced, Nines can sink into depressed self-neglect and a kind of lazy oblivion that is an imitation of death. They may be apathetic, habit-bound, oblivious, or numb. They could talk incessantly about what they know they should do but then never bother to do it. They might try to avoid conflict but accidentally provoke it through bursts of disassociated nastiness. They might be disorderly, chaotic, cluttered and offer weird, ill-formed rationales for their irresponsibility. Deeply entranced Nines can do great damage to others while believing their actions have no consequence. Drug and alcohol addiction can also be problems at this stage.

FAMOUS NINES
Actress Loni Anderson, Bruce Babbitt, the cultural aura of Bali, Annette Bening, Tony Bennett, Tom Berenger, Ernest Borgnine, Matthew Broderick, Sandra Bullock, George Burns, John Candy, Actress Kate Capshaw, Singer Belinda Carlisle, Art Carney, Actor Keith Carradine, Julia Child, Warren Christopher, Connie Chung, Bill Clinton, Columbo, Gary Cooper, Kevin Costner, Willem Dafoe, The Dali Lama, Actor Jeff Daniels, Actress Lolita Davidovich, Designer Oscar de la Renta,
Clint Eastwood, Dwight Eisenhower, Queen Elizabeth II, Shelley Fabares, Columboís Peter Falk, Marlin Fitzwater, Gerald Ford, Actor Dennis Franz, Annette Funicello, Mahatma Gandhi, James Garner, Chief Dan George, John Goodman, Tipper Gore, Actor Elliott Gould, Peter Graves, Charles Grodin, Julie Hagerty, Woody Harrelson, Gabby Hayes, Patty Hearst, Mariel Hemingway, Buck Henry, Audrey Hepburn, Barbara Hershey, Paul Hogan, Anjelica Huston, Actor Ben Johnson, Shirley Jones, C. G. Jung, Director Lawrence Kasdan, Grace Kelly,
Figure skater Nancy Kerrigan, Helmut Kohl, Stan Laurel, Author Fran Leibowitz, Actress Jennifer Jason Leigh, Abraham Lincoln, Heather Locklear, Andie MacDowell, Mr. Magoo, John Major, Dean Martin, Jerry Mathers, Joe Montana, Actor Harry Morgan, Sancho Panza, Slim Pickens, the cultural aura of Poland, Actor Michael J. Pollard, Randy Quaid, Dan Quayle, James Earl Ray,
Ronald Reagan, Ralph Richardson, Andy Richter, Robbie Robertson, Psychologist Carl Rogers, Roy Rogers, Gena Rowlands, Actress Eva Marie Saint, Jerry Seinfeld, Garry Shandling, Wallace Shawn, Martin Sheen, Actor Tom Skerritt, CBS's Harry Smith, Ringo Starr, Mary Steenburgen, Gloria Steinem, Daniel Stern, James Stewart, Actor Eric Stoltz, Richard Thornburgh, George Wendt, Diane Wiest, Singer Andy Williams.

Nine With an 8 Wing
Awakened Nines with an 8 wing have a modest, steady, receptive core. They are charged by the dynamism of 8 - when focused on goals they often have great force of will. Get things done, make good leaders. May have an animal magnetism of which they are only partly aware. Can seem highly centered, take what they do seriously but remain unimpressed with themselves. 8 wing can bring a strong internal sense of direction. Relatively fearless and highly intuitive. Generally not intellectual unless they have it in their background. When more entranced, they manifest the contradictions of the two styles expressing them in sequence. Could be passively amiable like a Nine and then turn horribly blunt like an 8. One moment they are opinionated or nasty, next moment kindly and supportive. Often don't hear their voices when angry. Can have a sharp, grating edge. May be slow to anger and then explode. Or angry but don't know it; may confuse being assertive with being rude. Placidly callous - both styles support numbness. Tactless and indiscriminate and indiscreet. May be unwittingly disloyal, spilling everyone's secrets. Sexual confusion, sometimes they are driven by lust.

Nine With a 1 Wing
Tend to have been "model children." Instinctively worked to please their parents by being virtuous, orderly, and little trouble. When awakened, they have great moral authority plus good-hearted peacemaking tendencies. Often have a sense of mission, public or private, that involves working hard for the welfare of everyone they are committed to. Principled expression of love. Desire to contribute, do little harm. May be well-liked, modest, endearing, gentle yet firm. Some have great grace and composure with bursts of spontaneity and sweetness. Elegant simplicity. When entranced, they tend to be self-neglectful. May go passively dead and operate from a dubious, fractured morality. Dutiful to what they shouldn't be. Play the good child, disappear into contexts, settle for being overlooked or just partly recognized. Passive tolerance of absurd or damaging situations. One-sided relationships where the Nine gives too much. Rationalize, minimize, tell themselves they had a great childhood, everything's fine. Placid numbness creeps over them. Intolerance of their own emotions. Gradually deaden their soul.

Instinctual Variants by Thomas Condon - The Changeworks

Self-Preservation
Preoccupied with physical comfort, maintaining habits and satisfying appetites. The image of the lazy couch potato goes with this subtype. Strategy for getting along is to ask as little of life as possible. Can have a love of the minimal and enjoy the repetition of known routines. Distract themselves with pleasant domestic activities. Live conservatively. Consume food and drink for anaesthesia. May have large appetites, drug addictions, be physically slow moving.

Intimate
Focused on an ideal of romantic union. Get lost in one relationship or in the yearning to have one. High expectations of partner. Sometimes sound melancholy like a Four. Prone to jealousy. May settle on someone and then grow critical and have a wandering eye. Can also deny their partner's flaws and idealize them to stay in union. Another scenario involves multiple relationships, searching from one person to the next. Sometimes the Nine can't decide between two people. Triangulation. Paradoxically, this subtype can be fickle because they are so easily disappointed.

Social
Social Nines tend to gravitate toward groups and then have conflicts about joining or staying apart. Can enjoy group energy and interests but may be also aware of the group's expectations. These the Nine will both play along with and resist. When immersed in a group, social Nines can lose themselves, trying to become all things to all people. Gregarious but may start to resist being too heavily influenced, to compensate for their sense of lost identity. Can sometimes resent how the group doesn't really see them. May fixate on what others think of them. Or resent the group and make fun of it. Some social Nines stay basically uninvolved but hang out at the group's edge. Frequently there's lots of activity. May get caught up in roles - a stronger connection to 3 goes with this subtype.
QUOTES :

"Even where sleep is concerned, too much is a bad thing." - Homer

"I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. I love to keep it by me: the idea of getting rid of it nearly breaks my heart." - Jerome K. Jerome

"The lust for comfort, that stealthy thing that enters the house as a guest, and then becomes a host, and then a master." - Kahlil Gibran

"To forget someone means to think of him." - Jean De La Bruyere

"Indecision is like the stepchild: if he doesn't wash his hands, he is called dirty, if he does, he is wasting the water." - African proverb

"A useless life is only an earlier death." - J.W. von Goethe

"My policy is to have no policy." - Abraham Lincoln

"A calm despair, without angry convulsions or reproaches directed at heaven, is the essence of wisdom." - Alfred de Vigny

"Good temper is an estate for life." - William Hazlitt

"To accept whatever comes regardless of the consequences is ... to be full of that love which comes from a sense of at-one-ness with whatever." - John Cage

"The fine art of executive decision consists in not deciding questions that are not now pertinent, in not deciding prematurely, in not making decisions that cannot be made effective, and in not making decisions that others should make." - Chester I. Barnard

"Do not push forward a wagon; you will only raise the dust about yourself. Do not think of all your anxieties; you will only make yourself ill." - Shih King

"He who acts, spoils; he who grasps, lets slip." - Lao-Tse

"Capacities clamor to be used, and cease to clamor only when they are well used." - Maslow

Tom Condom's site : http://www.thechangeworks.com/
“Nine" by Don Riso

The Pleasant, Self-Effacing Type: Receptive, Optimistic, Complacent, and Disengaged

Basic Fear: Of loss and separation
Basic Desire: To have inner stability "peace of mind"
The Nine with an Eight-Wing: "The Referee"
The Nine with a One-Wing: "The Dreamer"
Potential Neuroses: Schizoid, Dissociated and Dependent Personality Disorders

Key Motivations: Want to create harmony in their environment, to avoid conflicts and tension, to preserve things as they are, to resist whatever would upset or disturb them.

Healthy
Deeply receptive, accepting, unselfconscious, emotionally stable and serene. Trusting of self and others, at ease with self and life, innocent and simple. Patient, unpretentious, good-natured, genuinely nice people. Optimistic, reassuring, supportive: have a healing and calming influence—harmonizing groups, bringing people together: a good mediator, synthesizer, and communicator. At Their Best: Become self-possessed, feeling autonomous and fulfilled: have great equanimity and contentment because they are present to themselves. Paradoxically, at one with self, and thus able to form more profound relationships. Intensely alive, fully connected to self and others.

Average
Fear conflicts, so become self-effacing and accommodating, idealizing others and "going along" with their wishes, saying "yes" to things they do not really want to do. Fall into conventional roles and expectations. Use philosophies and stock sayings to deflect others. Active, but disengaged, unreflective, and inattentive. Do not want to be affected, so become unresponsive and complacent, walking away from problems, and "sweeping them under the rug." Thinking becomes hazy and ruminative, mostly comforting fantasies, as they begin to "tune out" reality, becoming oblivious. Emotionally indolent, unwillingness to exert self or to focus on problems: indifference. Begin to minimize problems, to appease others and to have "peace at any price." Stubborn, fatalistic, and resigned, as if nothing could be done to change anything. Into wishful thinking, and magical solutions. Others frustrated and angry by their procrastination and unresponsiveness.

Unhealthy
Can be highly repressed, undeveloped, and ineffectual. Feel incapable of facing problems: become obstinate, dissociating self from all conflicts. Neglectful and dangerous to others. Wanting to block out of awareness anything that could affect them, they dissociate so much that they eventually cannot function: numb, depersonalized. They finally become severely disoriented and catatonic, abandoning themselves, turning into shattered shells. Multiple personalities possible.

Don Riso's site : http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/

"Nine" by J.Wagner

Personality Style Nine: The Peaceful Person
Core Value Tendency: NINES are attracted to and value peace, harmony, and unity. They desire to make the world an ecumenical, harmonious, conflict-free place to live in. They like being peaceful, calm, and ordered and prefer to go with the flow. The universe is unfolding as it should and they see no need to push the river since it's flowing fine by itself. Being at one with yourself and your surroundings is what life is all about.

Adaptive Cognitive Schema: The objective vision that keeps NINES aligned with their true nature and with reality is the realization of their unity with the universe and their functioning according to the same laws that govern everyone else. This gives them their sense of peace, harmony, integration, and oneness with all reality. They further believe that the laws of the universe are warm and loving (vs cold and indifferent) since they have given birth to organic, living, warm creatures. Teleology is built right into the laws of the cosmos. There is a value and meaning, a purpose and direction that is manifest in all that is.

Adaptive Emotional Schema: The state that accompanies the NINES' objective paradigm is action, love wishing to pass itself on. Action flows naturally from a sense of gratitude for being loved, from the recognition that one is capable of loving, and from the desire to do something in return. Action arises when individuals want to actualize and transcend themselves by connecting with other people and with the Source of the universe.

Adaptive Behavioral Schemas: Behavior that flows from a realization of being loved and loving, responding gratefully, and appreciating harmony, includes the abilities to reconcile opposites, find agreement, be diplomatic and allowing, and have an intuitive sense for when things fit together. NINES are easy going, calm, reassuring, non-pretentious, and relaxedly focused.

Maladaptive Cognitive Schema: When NINES exaggerate their peaceful qualities, they over-identify with the idealized self image of I am settled. To compensate for a maladaptive belief that they are not important enough to be cared about or don't matter enough to be listened to, and to keep themselves from feeling neglected, NINES develop an attitude of resignation: "What's the big deal? Why get upset? Nothing is that important. We're not around that long anyway. Whatever we do will be undone eventually so why exert so much effort?" NINES settle in for the duration and go on automatic pilot. They neglect what is most important to them and fidget with distractions.

Maladaptive Emotional Schema: Along with the disposition to neglect what is essential, NINES experience the passion of indolence. They turn down their energy, settle into a comfortable routine, procrastinate, diffuse their attention, and don't take care of business.

Maladaptive Behavioral Schema: Perceiving the world as neglectful and indifferent, and feeling indolent about what matters most to them, NINES merge with the identities and agendas of others and forget about their own goals and desires. They lose themselves in the opinions, feelings, and aims of others. What others are thinking and pursuing become more compelling than what they want. Postponing decisions and actions, NINES let their life take its course or let life happen to them. They become inattentive and fall asleep to their deepest desires.

What is Avoided: Because they are trying to be settled, NINES avoid any kind of conflict. They don't allow themselves to get too enthusiastic about anything important. They avoid differences and highlight sameness and agreement. It's difficult enough for NINES to locate their own ideas, feelings, and ambitions, let alone to assert them and act on them. NINES avoid focusing, discriminating, and prioritizing. If everything is the same, it's difficult to make a decision. At the same time any decision they make has equal merit or weight.

Defensive Maneuvers: NINES ward off conflictual impulses and situations by numbing themselves and those around them. This is called narcoticization. When NINES say it doesn?t matter, they are also implying they don?t matter and you don?t matter. One way to avoid disappointment is to lower or eliminate your expectations. Nothing can hurt you if you don't let anything matter or get to you.

Childhood Development: NINES were the non-noticed children. They sensed their caretakers didn't pay enough attention to them, had other more important things to do, or, perhaps, didn't love them or care about them. Just as their caretakers neglected them, so NINES learned to neglect themselves. Instead of expressing themselves, they distracted themselves. Instead of feeling the pain of not being sufficiently cared for, they resigned themselves for the duration, numbed out, learned to not let things get to them, and assumed a laissez - faire attitude. NINES were the not noticed children.

Non-Resourceful State: When NINES are under stress, they become more resigned, more shut down, more asleep, and avoid their issues even more. They put off doing what needs to be done, engage themselves with inconsequential activities, daydream or sleep more. If that doesn't work, they may become obsessive and compulsive about the work they're doing. They may become overly responsible, dutiful, scrupulous, fearful, ruminative, worrying. They doubt themselves and seek the affirmation of some outside authority.

Resourceful State: When NINES are in a resourceful relaxed state, they focus and differentiate instead of distracting themselves or merging and becoming confluent. They stay awake and are aware. They are prompt and act decisively. They don't put off until tomorrow what they can do today. They express their own opinion, feeling, preference. They believe they are loved and cared for and start caring for themselves. They think of themselves as being successful, professional, efficient, and competent. They believe they do matter and their actions in the world make a difference. Unblocking their feelings, they let their own energy flow into action instead of living off of others' energy. They assume an active stance, allowing their love to pass itself on through action. I am therefore I matter replaces I don't matter, so what's the big deal?

Jerome Wagner's site : http://www.enneagramspectrum.com/
"Nine" by various writers

Personality Type Nine
The various appelations given to NINES express something of what authors believe to be central to the NINE style. Here is a sampling:
The Preservationist Donson & Hurley

Ego Indolent Ichazo The Negotiator O'Leary & Beesing
The Saint Jaxon-Baer The Mediator Palmer
The Program of Non-Aggression Keyes The Peacemaker Riso & Hudson
The Floater-Harmonizer Linden The Need to Avoid Rohr
The Over-Adjusted Disposition /
"Going with the Flow" Naranjo The Peaceful Person Wagner

Here is weaving together the various themes of the NINES' narrative:
When NINES are in their essence they have the sense that they are connected to the cosmos. The same laws that are operative in everyone else are operable in NINES. This gives NINES their sense of peace, harmony, integration, and oneness with all reality. NINES have the corollary sense that the laws of the universe are warm and loving since they have given rise to organic life. There is a teleology to the laws of the universe; they have a purpose and direction along with every creature in whom these laws course. There is value, meaning, and purpose to all that is.

These divine ideas, objective principles, or adaptive cognitive schemas are accompanied by the virtue of right action. Action flows naturally from a sense of being loved and from the capacity to love. Action is love that wishes to pass itself on. Action is a property of being which wishes to realize itself and transcend itself by connecting with Being and other beings.

When NINES lose touch with their essence, they also lose touch with these adaptive cognitive and emotional schemas. They lose themselves, their way, and their being gets obscured. Their personality with its maladaptive cognitive schemas (fixations), maladaptive emotional schemas (passions), and maladaptive behavioral schemas (self defeating behaviors) attempts to substitute for what they have lost.

If NINES were reared in an "average expectable environment" (Hartmann) or with "good enough" parenting (Winnicott), or with "unconditional positive regard" (Rogers), then presumably, they would stay in touch with their essence.

However, because their temperament predisposes them to be sensitive and vulnerable to being neglected or overlooked, they sensed that their parents didn't pay enough attention to them, had other things more important to do, perhaps didn't love them or care about them.

This latter maladaptive belief is particularly painful -- to believe that you aren't loved or don't matter. To compensate for this belief, NINES adopted a less painful paradigm which was: it doesn't matter (instead of I don't matter). NINES developed a life style of resignation. What's the big deal. We're not around that long, anyway. So let's settle in for the duration.

NINES' maladaptive beliefs become crystallized in the self image of "I am settled." They settle into their personality, settle into a comfortable life style, numb out and go on cruise control down the highway of life. The passion of indolence (or accidia, a psychospiritual inertia) locks their idealized self image in place and maintains it there.

Anything antithetical or threatening to this position is repressed or avoided, especially any kind of conflict which would be upsetting. Various defense mechanisms are deployed to keep anything unsettling from entering the NINES existence.

NINES fall asleep regarding what is essential to their personal development. Just as they felt their parents neglected and dumped them, so now they neglect and dump themselves.

They are caught in the dilemma of whether to assert themselves and their needs and risk losing their relationships or to submerge themselves, comply with others, and thereby lose their self. Should they be bad boys and girls like their neighbors, the EIGHTS? Or good girls and boys like their neighbors, the ONES. Should they be rebellious like the Counterphobic SIXES at their stress point? Or adaptable like the THREES at their core point? Their solution is to decline or delay either option and rather to embrace all sides of an issue, so as not to have to choose. No decision and procrastination are the conflict resolution methods for NINES.

NINES wrongly believe that to wake up is to find out they are unimportant, unloved, uncared for, adrift, and rageful. Merging with others is their personality's attempt to compensate for their sense of separation.

In fact when they wake up, they discover themselves, not enmeshed in ersatz intimate relationships, but intimately suffused with love. They were loved and loving all along.

There seems to be substantial convergence in various authors descriptions of NINES. Differences appear in the theories of childhood development. While Palmer, Rohr, Linden, and Wagner report that NINES felt overlooked and in the background, Riso writes that NINES positively identified with both parents or parent figures. Jaxon-Baer theorizes NINES were traumatized in the birth canal.

While there is considerable agreement about the pathology of the NINE, there are some creative variations about the health and virtue of the NINE: action (Ichazo), right action (Palmer), decisive action (Rohr), right action (Jaxon-Baer), patience (Riso), and diligence (O'Leary).

Ichazo and Palmer might take exception to my demeaning higher states of mind (divine ideas) and heart (virtues) by calling them adaptive cognitive and emotional schemas. They are, I believe, and more as well. I also don't know if there is validation to my assertion that the NINES' style predisposes them toward certain areas of vulnerability, viz., being neglected, not attended to, uncared about, etc.

According to Ichazo and the Arica Training, Enneagram type Nine is said to be the over non-conformist who lacks the psycho catalyzer of Holy Love, love that runs the cosmos. The Nine does not recognize that he or she conforms to cosmic laws and so must become a seeker, hoping to find how s/he fits into the cosmic purpose. Nines feel they haven't gotten their share of love. They are out of touch with their essence and so look outside themselves because they are afraid there is nothing inside. They are neglectful and indolent with their inner self. They can often see other fixations well, but don'w see or understand their own. The nickname for this fixation is ego-indolent. It could also be called over-discontent.

Naranjo says he doesn't understand Ichazo's statement that in indolence the "trap" is being too much of a seeker. For Naranjo, the opposite is true: type Nine is "not enough of a seeker, despite the subjective sense of being so and despite manifestations of displaced seeking such as erudition, traveling, or collecting antiquities." pg 150

For Naranjo, the root of all pathologies, expressed by the central position of style Nine, is the "forgetting of self." The substitutes for authentic being for Nines are "over-creaturization," a search for being in the realm of creature comforts and survival-related practicalities. "I eat therefore I am." Nines also pursue being through belonging. Through symbiotic living, the Nine can say: "I am you, therefore I exist."

Childhood Dynamics
According to Riso, Nines positively identified with both parents or with other parent figures. Nines had close supportive relationships with their parents (at least in early childhood). That's how they learned to identify with other people. Nines live through other people.
According to Rohr, Nines report that in their childhood they were overlooked or swamped. They were ignored or rejected if they expressed their own opinion.

According to Palmer Nines felt overlooked when they were young. They remember that their point of view was seldom heard and that other people's needs were more important than their own. Nines are caught in the dilemma of whether to conform or rebel. Their solution is to decline either option and attempt to embrace all sides of a question, so as not to have to choose.

According to Jaxon-Baer, Nines were traumatized in the birth canal. They feel pressure and want to fight against it. Experiencing pressure causes them to become rigid and passive/aggressive. As children, Nines were in the background. They may have felt overshadowed by their siblings.

According to Linen, Nines had the impression that their parents' interests were more important than theirs. They felt disregarded and not valued.

There is a sense in Nines of unresolved rage: to comply or to do your own thing presents a no-win dilemma. Compliance produces rage. Nines go unconscious and space out. Nines fear that if they express their anger, they will kill someone.

Virtue
According to Riso, the virtue of the Nine is Patience, a hopeful, eager watchfulness.
According to O'Leary the virtue for the Nines is Diligence. As Nine's discover God's love for them, new energies are awakened within them as they come to see their real worth as persons and discover yearning or self-development. Once they are convinced of the worth of their unique selves, the seek to acquire skills so that in gratitude to God's love they seek to make some contribution to the world. Love shows itself in actions of service. Nines become transformed from indolent spectators to patient, methodical workers.

According to Rohr, the gift or fruit of the spirit of the Nine is Decisive Action vs. hesitating and procrastination.

For Palmer the virute of the Nine is right action, taking the initiative toward the essential features of life.

According to Jaxon-Baer the virtue is right action which involves bringing the feeling of holy love into focus and keeping it on course by staying present and conscious in each moment-to-moment reality.

Nines have gone to sleep to the essential issues in their lives. Their anger doesn't get expressed. When Nines are compliant, it enrages them. When they are non-compliant, it terrifies them. They are trapped between being good boys and girls (Ones) and bad boys and girls (Eights) between the non-adapting of the counter-phobic Six and the adaptability of the Three.

Self narcoticization. Habit, routine, on automatic, going unconscious. Gurdjieff's machine-like existence.

Nines lack boundaries between their internal and external worlds. They merge with others and lose self definition. They are present oriented. They sort toward union and away from conflict. They have an external frame of reference and tend to be kinesthetic. Their primary issues are anger turned inward and a denial of the essential self. They distract themselves. Everything has value. Difficulty discriminating and forming hierarchies.

Names for Type Nine
Jaxon Baer: The Saint
O'Leary: The Negotiator
Palmer: The Mediator
Riso: The Peacemaker
Wagner: The Peaceful Person
Donson/Hurley: The Preservationist
Rohr: The Need to Avoid
Naranjo: The Over-Adjusted Disposition "Going with the Stream"
Keyes: The Program of Non-Aggression
Linden: The Floater-Harmonizer
Passion
Laziness, indolence, sloth, accidia, psychospiritual inertia. Laziness of the psyche, loss of interiority. One who has not learned to love himself or herself as a consequence of love deprivation. Defensive evasion of interiority. Seeking outside self for solutions. Distracting interest in the workings of external things. Psychological Inertia, over-adaptation09, resignation, generosity, ordinariness, robotic habit-Boundedness, distractibility.
Riso: sloth of self remembering. Lack of energy put into self-awareness or self-remembering.

Palmer: Do I agree or disagree? habit, essential, inessential, accumulation, containment of energy, inertia and depression, anger that went to sleep.

Fear of separation from the other. Basic desire: to find union with the other.

Defense mechanisms:

repression, dissociation, denial (Riso)
narcoticization, deflection, confluence (Naranjo)
narcosis, addictions (Rohr)
The Nine's illusion is that happiness is attained by shrugging off responsibility and maintaining a calm, easygoing exterior. (Donson/Hurley)