jokes

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Heather Locklear. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes!" cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You liar! That is not your wife!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Heather Locklear, You would have come up with Tara Reid. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me. Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said 'yes' to Heather Locklear!"
The Moral of this story: Anytime a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reasons and for the benefit of others.



"Fine" -- This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
"Five Minutes" -- If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
"Nothing" -- This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".
"Go Ahead" -- This is a dare, not permission. Proceed with extreme caution!
Loud Sigh -- Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
"That's OK" -- This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
"Thanks" -- This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it, just say "you're welcome" and back out of the room slowly.



A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time you let me poot me hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Angus blurted out, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"



It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
54. Never to forget:
• birthdays
• anniversaries
• arrangements she makes.

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
Easy!
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food and beer.



Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch... do it and die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health -- my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?


How Men Interpret Language
Category: Language & Men/Women
Jumbo Joke is a free service of This is True, featuring bizarre-but-true news items from the world's press. Check the site for archives and free subscriptions.
It's really very simple, once you get the hang of it. A few examples:
1. "I'm going fishing."
Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and sit in a boat with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.
2. "It's a guy thing."
Translated: There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
3. "Can I help with dinner?"
Translated: Why isn't it already on the table?
4. "Uh huh, sure honey." or, "Yes, dear."
Translated: (Means absolutely nothing -- it's a conditioned response.)
5. "It would take too long to explain."
Translated: I haven't the foggiest.
6. "I was listening to you. It's just ... I have lots of things on my mind."
Translated: Huh? I wasn't listening.
7. "Take a break honey, you're working too hard."
Translated: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
8. "That's interesting, dear."
Translated: Oh, are you still talking?
9. "You know how bad my memory is."
Translated: I remember the theme song to "F-Troop," the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the license plate numbers of every car I've had. But I have no idea when your birthday is.
10. "I dunno ... I was just thinking about you, and when I saw these roses I just thought you'd like them."
Translated: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.
11. "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Translated: I've severed a limb, but I'll bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.
12. "I've got my reasons for what I'm doing".
Translated: ...and I sure hope I think of some soon.
13. "I can't find it."
Translated: It didn't fall into my out-stretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.
14. "What did I do this time?"
Translated: What did you catch me at?
15. "I heard you."
Translated: I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't find that out.
16. "You know I could never love anyone else."
Translated: I am used to the way you yell at me, and I realize it could be worse.
17. "You look terrific."
Translated: Oh God, please don't try on any more clothes!
18. "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Translated: No human will ever see us alive again.



Gender Vocabulary
Category: Language & Men/Women
Jumbo Joke is a free service of This is True, featuring bizarre-but-true news items from the world's press. Check the site for archives and free subscriptions.
THINGY
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMITMENT
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
MAKING LOVE
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
ENTERTAINMENT
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
BUTT
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.



The Woman's Guide To Male English
Category: Men/Women
Jumbo Joke is a free service of This is True, featuring bizarre-but-true news items from the world's press. Check the site for archives and free subscriptions.
Make sure you catch The Man's Guide To Female English, too!
What He Says What He Means
I'm hungry I'm hungry
I'm sleepy I'm sleepy
I'm tired I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie I'd like to have sex with you later
Can I take you out to dinner? I'd like to have sex with you later
Can I call you sometime? I'd like to have sex with you later
May I have this dance? I'd like to have sex with you later
Nice dress! Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage I want to fondle you
What's wrong? I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this
What's wrong? What meaningless, self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored Do you want to have sex?
I love you Let's have sex right now
I love you, too OK, I said it -- we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
Let's talk I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
I like that one better (while shopping) Pick any frigging dress and let's go home!




What She Says What She Means
We need I want
It's your decision The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want You'll pay for this later
We need to talk I need to complain
You're...so manly You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight! Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! I've got my period
This kitchen is so inconvenient I want a new house
I want new curtains and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
I need wedding shoes the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? I did something today you're not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt too big? Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate Just agree with me
Yes No
No No
Maybe No
I'm sorry You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix so you'd better get used to it
I'm not yelling! Yes I'm yelling because I think it's important
All we're going to buy is a soap dish It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few purses, and those sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?




As I grow in age, I value women who are over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 50 will not lay next to you in bed and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 50 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 50 give a darn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 50 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.
Women over 50 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50. They always know.
A woman over 50 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed hot woman of 50+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 18-year-old waitress.
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free," here's an update for you: Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

On Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew about it.
On Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that yes, he had slept over. And two claimed that he was still there!



Man: Haven't we met before?
Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.
Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.
Man: So what do you do for a living?


Woman: Female impersonator.
Man: So, wanna go back to my place?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Man: I'd really like to get into your pants.
Woman: No thanks. There's already one ass in there.
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet.
Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!
Woman: Yeah! To pick up some chicks!
and...
Man: "Hi, I'm a millionaire!"
Woman: "Hi, I work for the IRS."


Why Men Can't Win
Category: Men/Women
Jumbo Joke is a free service of This is True, featuring bizarre-but-true news items from the world's press. Check the site for archives and free subscriptions.
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist pig. If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If you're totally beat after a hard day, you don't give a damn about other people's needs. If she's totally beat after a hard day, she's tired.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be "someone else".

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are too.
The Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 5:00 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer that all you do in the Marines before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad -- there's warm water.
A Marine Corps breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
As Marines we're expected to go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sargeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sargeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some.
The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bullseye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ol' bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Tammy Gail