Ask Lynn: Advice on love By Lynn Harris
Dear Lynn, I’m writing because I’m having a dilemma. I have an extremely strong attraction to one of my instructors in my grad program. I am 40, and he’s a few years older than me. While I find him very attractive physically, other characteristics attract me as well, such as his intelligence, humor, and compassion. He challenges me, in a good way, which I enjoy.
The way I am drawn to him is not like anything I have ever experienced before, with anyone. It scares me. He has actually taken my breath away when he’s been close to me, and he seems to stand very close to me when talking to me. Others have observed this. What makes this difficult is that while I believe he has an attraction to me, he is in a long-term relationship with “the mother of his son” (his words); they’ve not married. I would not want to do anything to cause problems for him and his relationship.
My dilemma: I want to tell him how I feel. I can’t determine if this would be a good move or foolish. The class he teaches will be ending very soon, and I am not sure when I will see him again. I don’t want to have regrets or a “what if” situation, because I’ve had a few of those in my past. Any thoughts?
– Baffled
Dear Baffled,
Hey, bet you did really well in that class. Handsome, smart, funny, compassionate. You are officially hot for teacher, as the song goes—and what a difficult but delicious feeling it must be!
Unfortunately, however, you’re going to have to try and find that feeling with someone else, someone who is neither in a relationship nor above you on the school totem pole. Even if I could somehow endorse hitting on an instructor in your program, which, for the record, I cannot, I really cannot endorse poaching, which this would be, even if he doesn’t exactly call his partner his “Snookums.” You’re 40—remember the Police song, “Don’t Stand So Close To Me?” Well… that.
I’m truly sorry. I do approve of your impulse here, the one that spurs you to avoid regrets and what-ifs. They can seriously bring you down; just ask the guy at the end of the bar. But while boldness and risk-taking and caution-to-the-wind-throwing are generally to be commended, they are to be eschewed when doing so could constitute home-wrecking or jeopardizing your academic career.
Speaking of “What if,” you’re probably thinking, “But what if he’s miserable in his relationship and he’d leave her (and this job) for me if only he knew how I felt?!” Trust me, that element of mystery is not the only thing holding him back. If things ever do change — or if he wants them to — trust me, through the miracle of Google, he’ll find you. And as for regrets, I have to say: Sometimes it’s better to wish you had than to wish you hadn’t.
Meanwhile, as I suggested earlier, see what you can do to learn from this situation. What does your attraction to him tell you about what you look for in men? Do you see any patterns? (Smart and compassionate: good. Unavailable: less so.) Since, at the moment, your instructor is off-limits, at least let your crush instruct you.
Lynn Harris is co-creator, with Chris Kalb, of the award-winning website, BreakupGirl.net and author of the new comic novel Death By Chick Lit. A journalist and essayist, Lynn also writes about gender, dating, and culture high and low for Salon, Glamour, The New York Times, and others. In her spare time, she enjoys being married. Submit your own dating questions for Lynn at BreakupGirl.net. Your question may be answered in a future column.
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