Saturday, December 29, 2007

Computers, Google, and Work Pathetic calls for computer help

Why do you turn off your computer by going to “start”?

I can’t see the cursor through the smoke.

Is it safe to use a fire extinguisher on a computer?

My laptop was working before I went through the car wash.

Do you remember that Trojan horse you warned me about last week?

My thingy is broken.

I thought that drawer was a hideaway cup holder.

Definitions

Sleep start – the weird – and very common – phenomenon of experiencing a sudden contraction of the muscles while falling asleep. Seeing a flash of bright light is a visual sleep start, and hearing a loud noise is an auditory sleep start. The sensations are usually meaningless, but mention them to your doctor, just in case.

Anarthrous - Without the article. In reference to a noun. Anarthrous nouns are generally translated in English with the indefinite article ("a, an"). However, some anarthrous nouns are qualitative and are often translated without an article. See Articular.
ADJECTIVE: 1. Linguistics Occurring without an article. Used especially of Greek nouns. 2. Zoology Lacking joints.
ETYMOLOGY: From Greek anarthros, not articulated : an-, without; see a–1 + arthron, joint; see ar- in Appendix I.

www.Baidu.com Chinese search engine

Dr. Phil's Test

Dr. Phil's test. (Dr. Phil scored 55; he did this test on Oprah - she got a 38.) Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out!

Read on, this is very interesting!


Don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends.


The person who sent it placed their score in the e-mail subject box. Please do the same before forwarding to your friends (send it back to the person who sent it to you.) Don't peek, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer.


Answers are for who you are now --- not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready.


This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees. It's only 10 Simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers to each question.


Make sure to change the subject of the e-mail to read YOUR total. When you are finished, forward this to friends/family, and also send it to the person who sent this to you. Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box.


Ready??

Begin.


1. When do you feel your best?

a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon and early evening
c) late at night


2. You usually walk...

a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the e face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly


3. When talking to people you. . .

a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair


4. When relaxing, you sit with....

a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you


5. When something really amuses you, you react with...

a) big appreciated laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...

a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed


7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted...

a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
A) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
G) brown or gray


9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are...

a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers


10. You often dream that you are...

a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant


POINTS:

1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1
Now add up the total number of points.

OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too qui coli or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken .

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who does not want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.

Now forward this to others, and put your score in the subject box of your e-mail, like this: Dr. Phil's Test, I'm a 38

I Think Santa Claus Is A Woman....

by unknown to me

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they--with amazing calm--call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: ~ Men can't pack a bag. ~ Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. ~ Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves. ~ Men don't answer their mail. ~ Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." ~ Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. ~ Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick.

Not a chance.

A few quotes

"A woman who goes to bed with a man ought to lay aside her modesty with her skirt, and put it on again with her petticoat." [Michel de Montaigne c1560]
“There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved. It is God's finger on man's shoulder." -- Charles Morgan
To those I may have harmed, I apologize, rest assured it was unintentional. To those who have harmed me, I forgive you, even if it was your intent. -- Tricia Ares http://modernmatriarch.wordpress.com/2007/09/
It's all about whether the attentions are welcome, isn't it? I mean if a guy says to you: "I will find you. No matter how long it takes, no matter how far, I will find you." It could either be the creepiest thing you've ever heard, or the sexiest!

A good book should leave you…slightly exhausted at the end. You live several lives while reading it. -- William Styron
Never judge a book by its movie. -- J.W. Eagan
A room without books is like a body without a soul. -- Cicero
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. -- Mark Twain
A friend is one to whom you can pour out the contents of your heart, chaff and grain alike, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away. -- attributed to George Elliot
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try, and try again. Then give up. There's no use being a damned fool about it." -- William Claude Dunkenfield (W. C. Fields)

~~Self-Control~~ From: Onward to Fame and Fortune Dated: 1897 Author: William M. Thayer
"There is a distinction between self-possession and self-control. The former refers to a certain grip which the will has upon the powers under great and sudden temptation to evil or fear, producing calmness when excitement would be almost excusable. The latter refers to a deeper, stronger grip upon the faculties, holding them to that which is true under all circumstances, that the highest manhood and womanhood may be the result. Hence, the highest authority declares, 'He that ruleth his own spirit is greater than he who taketh a city.' 'Self-control is only courage under another form.' One writes: 'We think it is far more than that -- it is master of all the virtues, including courage. If not so, how can it control them so as to develop into the noblest, purest character?'

A few words

Bandera
Buffalo chips
Claptrap
Naïve
Military conscription
Grazier
Visionary
Exonerated
Stubborn heart
CAPTURING THE COWBOY'S HEART
KIDNAPPED COWBOY/THE RELUCTANT RESCUER
STEALING THE SHERIFF'S HEART

The Legend of Chief Namekagon's Lost Silver Mine

After the old Indian was found dead near Marengo Station people believed the secret of the mine's location died with him...but did it?

by Herbert Wagner
Copyright 1990 Herbert Wagner, all rights reserved.
Originally published in: WISCONSIN OUTDOOR JOURNAL
A few years after the War of 1812, Governor Lewis Cass of Michigan Territory led an expedition through Lake Superior. The purpose of the voyage was to assert American sovereignty over the region and to investigate its potential mineral wealth. Arriving at La Pointe in the Apostle Islands, Cass heard a legend that has haunted northern Wisconsin to the present day.
La Pointe in the 19th century
While addressing a counsel of Native Americans Cass inquired if there were any metallic ores or minerals in the surrounding country. One Indian boldly stepped forth and told of a vein of silver in the mainland interior to the south. Other Indians present angrily condemned the story as false. While members of the expedition urged Cass to investigate further the governor resisted this temptation because time was short and the information was vague at best.
Historians today will lament this failure to pursue this early claim of a native silver deposit, a hunt may have proven fruitless anyway. In spite of 180 years of sporadic attempts to find this silver mine in northwest Wisconsin, it has remained hidden to the present day. Over the years people have claimed they were close to finding it, but like a will-o-the-wisp the exact location always fades back into the rugged hills and deep forest to beckon and tantalize the imagination.
After the Cass visit in 1820 the Indians and their silver were left in peace for another 20 years. Then in 1841 Douglass Houghton reported on the existence of valuable minerals on Lake Superior. A treaty was signed with the Chippewa in 1842 that opened the south shore to American settlement. As a result, prospectors, geologists, land speculators, and adventurers burst upon the scene overnight.
1850s prospector camp
This quest for copper, iron, and other minerals sparked the first large-scale mining rush in U.S. history. In this frantic scramble to discover mineral wealth, the indigenous Ojibwe people were routinely bribed or spied upon in the belief they knew the location of rich metallic veins. This was a disturbing change because in the Native American world view the treasures of the mineral kingdom were considered "Manitou" and part of "the great mystery of existence." The Ojibwe had no desire to see American miners blast the rocks and dig out the sacred metals. As a result they became secretive about their intimate knowledge of the region and its minerals.
One early American trader who claimed to know something about the Indian's silver vein was Benjamin Armstrong, a trader who lived at La Pointe in the 1840s. Because he was son-in-law to Chief Buffalo, Armstrong claimed to know many Indian secrets. In the 1890s Armstrong would recall how in the early days of his life at La Pointe the local tribe had obtained silver from a single rich source for decorating ceremonial pipes and for other purposes. Whenever silver was needed, Armstrong said, one Indian elder was sent to procure it. He would travel in great secrecy somewhere away to the south on the mainland and after an absence of several days would return with metallic silver in pure elemental form.
Routinely bribed or followed, Native Americans became secretive about mineral locations
After 1842 and the rush of prospectors into the Lake Superior region, the Indian elder spoke at one of the great tribal councils held at La Pointe. He told that the Great Manitou was angry at these incursions into the region and the blasting apart of rocks. The result was that the elder's mind had been clouded concerning the silver vein's location. He could still picture the general setting of the mine, he said, but no longer knew how to find it. He said that the silver vein was located inside a narrow crevice in the rock and surrounded by loose boulders and heavy timber. Barely wide enough for him to enter, it opened up into a small cave once he was inside. By torchlight he could pick up or cut off pieces of silver as needed. But he had always been careful, he said, not to search for any hidden metal but only taking that lying in plain sight. To do otherwise was to disturb the Great Spirit. It was this rude disturbace by Euro-American prospectors that angered the spirits and made it impossible for him to locate the silver vein any longer.
The silver vein was located in a crevice or small cave in the bedrock
Was old man Armstrong yarning or telling the facts? From the vantage of today it is difficult to know what to think about such pioneer tales. Several other versions of this story circulated around Ashland that were said to date back to the old American Fur Company days of the 1840s and earlier. From these accounts it is evident that by the 1890s a long tradition already existed of a rich silver deposit somewhere in northwest Wisconsin. But where? The exact location -- never widely known -- had been lost!
These old stories had taken on new urgency after the completion of the Wisconsin Central Railroad to Ashland in 1877. Then the city on Chequamegon Bay boomed. Perhaps inspired by the old legends a new generation began exploring the "mineral range" south of the city. In 1878 Daniel Morgan brought in samples of rock that he claimed contained gold and silver values. Soon waves of hopeful prospectors were combing the crags and river valleys for indications of valuable minerals. Mining camps sprang up along the Bad, Brunsweiler, Marengo, and Namekagon Rivers. Locations with high-sounding names such as the Chicago and Lake Superior Mine, the Bayfield Mine, the Northern Belle Mine, and the Enterprise Mine opened offices and sold shares to investors. For several years talk of the "gold and silver region" was big news around Ashland. Assays reported silver and gold values from many of these prospects, but nothing big came of the excitement. Many people were convinced, however, that these mineral indications proved the old legends correct. That somewhere in the wild interior of Bayfield or Ashland counties a rich vein of silver indeed existed.
Marengo River

Sometime in the late 1880s stories began to circulate once again about the lost silver mine, and again intimating that one person and one person alone knew its exact location. Curiously, it was again a Native American man believed to possess the secret. This time it was an Indian known as Old Ice Feathers and later referred to as Chief Namekagon. The abode of this hermit was an island in the northern part of Lake Namekagon in Bayfield County.
About 1884 the writer George Francis Thomas visited Old Ice Feathers and wrote down his sad tale. It was printed in a slender volume of northern Wisconsinia entitled "Legends of the Land of Lakes." According to this romanticized account Ice Feathers had fled Sault Ste. Marie in his youth when accused of murdering his lover's father. A dream had led him to the island in Lake Namekagon. For a time he had lived there with three wives, but then "spirits" told him to drive his wives away. Afterward he lived alone on the island with his great hope being a future reunion with his early love in the spirit world.
Curiously this 1884 account makes no mention of silver. So it must have been after that date that Old Ice Feathers picked up the title Chief Namekagon and his knowledge of a silver mine of unparalleled richness. Because soon stories began to circulate that Chief Namekagon was quietly bringing in nuggets of pure silver when he visited Ashland for supplies. A timber cruiser named Sam Campbell, who lived a few miles north of Lake Namekagon at Grand View, claimed that he first heard the story around 1890. Campbell said that Chief Namekagon was bringing the silver to three local Ashland men: Thomas Bardon, Dr. Ellis, and Henry Weed.
Thomas Bardon
According to Campbell's story, these Ashland men convinced the old Indian to take them to his mine. An expedition was launched, but when a black bear crossed their path Namekagon took it as a bad omen and refused to go any further.
Not long afterward a settler named Thomas Mattson found the old Indian dead near Marengo Station, some said under suspicious circumstances. Those around Ashland who believed in the silver mine at all thought the secret of its location had died with him. But did it? Others claimed that the silver mine's locale had gotten out. Rumors ran wild. The trouble was that none of the stories of the mine's location matched!
When a black bear crossed their path they turned back
In 1890, Henry Weed and associates opened a prospect on a mineral vein near the Eau Claire Lakes some 17 miles west of Lake Namekagon. They called it the Montrose Mine. Did Weed think that the old Indian had been obtaining his silver there? Some of the best finds of native copper occur nearby with old mining shafts and pits dotting the area.
At least one other person believed the lost mine lay west of Lake Namekagon. We know this from Tony Wise, the Hayward native who developed the Telemark ski hill near Cable, Wisconsin. Wise first heard of the lost silver mine legend when trying to buy the future Telemark property in the late 1940s. The hill's owner at that time, Walter Klish, knew vague stories of supposed silver diggings along the nearby Namekagon River and was convinced his hill contained the mother lode. Wise had to convince Klish that it was a ski hill he was after and not a silver mine before the suspicious old man would sell.
Yet most observers believed that the lost silver mine lay north and east of Lake Namekagon. Two old-timers who this writer met and interviewed back in the 1980s believed they had key details to this enduring mystery.
One was "Hoot" Olson of Mellen, Wisconsin, then in his late eighties. Olson had detailed information about two people who knew the mine's exact location and had visited it after Chief Namekagon's death. He heard the story from his stepfather's dad, Ted Klicks, who in turn obtained it from a logger named Hoeppner. Somehow Hoeppner had gotten a line on another man who was seen bringing silver out of the woods not far from today's Copper Falls State Park.
Hoot Olson of Mellen knew details of the mine's location
"Hoeppner was a hard case," Olson told me. "He had been an Indian fighter out West and had two dark eyes with a stare that bored holes right through
you. He started to follow this other man when he passed through the logging camp. In time he discovered where the man was leaving the Wisconsin Central railroad tracks and was entering the woods. He waited for good tracking snow, and then made his move."
At that point in this detailed account, Hoeppner, who confessed it during a heavy drinking bout with Ted Klicks, became uneasy and vague in the telling. This raises questions: Who was the man that Hoeppner had followed to the mine? What became of him? Was, perhaps, murder involved? Because when Klicks wanted more details about the mine, Hoeppner grew sullen and secretive. He acted confused. All he would say was that he could not find the place anymore, but could remember its setting. "Hoeppner described the place as tight as a 'dog hole' that had been covered up with logs and brush," Olson revealed, "but opened up once you were inside. There was a vein of silver thick enough to cut off pieces with a hatchet. He could prove it too. Hoeppner showed Klicks a piece of silver as big as a man's hand."
One additional detail that Hoeppner remembered was that when he was near the mine he could hear the whistle of the Wisconsin Central locomotive as it came around the big bend near Mellen and Penokee Gap.
According to Olson, Klicks and Hoeppner had searched for the mine for many years without success. Hoeppner always thought he would find it again, but he never did. Hoot Olson, who has tramped the woods once or twice himself in search of the mine in his younger years, has this advice for the potential treasure hunter. "Some people think the silver mine is up along the Brunsweiler River," he said, "but I don't think so. Hoeppner was going east along the railroad tracks when he was trailing that man. Therefore the vein should be near or somewhat north of the Bad River Gap near Copper Falls."
Copper Falls
Maybe. This could be the necessary clue to rediscover the lost mine and set this long-standing mystery to rest once and for all. And there is still plenty of quiet interest in finding the old silver vein. People still attempt to trace Chief Namekagon's route to Ashland. From Bill Johnson, an old farmer who lived near Morgan Falls where Dan Morgan had his gold mine, I heard another version of the lost mine legend when I visited him back in the 1980s.
Johnson's father, who had homesteaded the farm a hundred years earlier, once told Bill a story he held fast to until his dying breath. It seems that on his way to Ashland, Chief Namekagon followed an old trail that crossed the Johnson farm. One day as a storm approached the farmer encountered the old Indian in the woods. "It was late in the afternoon and it started to rain," Johnson told me. "Chief Namekagon came along about then and they took him in and fed him. It was late so dad asked him to stay the night. That was the time people first claimed he had silver. Apparently he didn't have it when he stopped at our place, but the next day when he got down to Mattson's farm near Birch Lake he did have silver. Somewhere along the way he must have picked the silver up."
Mattson! Wasn't that the name of the fellow who found the chief dead near Marengo Station? Just odd coincidence or something more sinister? Bill Johnson, who claimed to know "every hill and hollow" in the area long searched for the place where Namkagon was getting out the silver. He believed the location was in the hills south of his farm. "The silver couldn't have been far off Namekagon's line of travel," Johnson speculated. "I myself have found places in these hills where digging has been done. Some of it was done secretly too."
Then I asked Johnson how he knew the location where he thought Chief Namekagon was digging the silver. He hesitated a moment before telling me and then revealed that he had dreamed it!
Bill Johnson with a mineral speciman found near his farm
"I had this dream the night before," Johnson admitted. "In the dream I was looking up at a certain rock hill. The next day I was out trying to find some cows when I went by some rocks. I stopped. It was the place I had dreamed about! Because of that I scouted around some and that's when I found where someone had been breaking off the rock. I can't prove that's where Chief Namekagon got the silver. Maybe he had more than one place."
Bill Johnson was certain the area near his farm is rich with mineral wealth. In his lifetime in that area locals refer to as Morgan Heights he has seen both amateur prospectors and big mining companies go through. A look at the geological map of the area shows that numerous Precambrian rock bodies straddle the region between Mellen and Lake Namekagon. The area is broken up by a complex system of ancient faults and rifting that may form conduits and passageways for rich mineral-bearing solutions that deposited valuable metallic wealth in the rock.
"The mineral is here," Johnson confided to me. "When old man Skrupky came up from Rice Lake he had an instrument to locate metals with. It was an odd L-shaped deal with a handle on one end and a point that spun around on a bearing on the other end. Skrupky put a small piece of silver into the contraption. I guess that was supposed to attract the pointer to silver in the ground. Anyway, we went up that hill over there and the instrument started to swing back and forth, back and forth, as if it couldn’t make up its mind which way to go. We went up a little farther and the thing started spinning in circles. We went up higher yet and I tried it. 'You have to hold it flat to make it work," Skrupky said, but I told him,'That's what you think. Just watch.' It started swinging back and forth, back and forth. When it got up enough momentum it started swinging around in circles. It spun like crazy. It spun so fast that the little bearing in the handle burned out. There's just got to be something in the rocks here. I know it!"
If upon reading this account you feel an urge to go hunt for this long lost silver mine be prepared for an adventure. A good place to start might be the village park in Grand View just off of State Highway 63. There a historical marker tells one version of the old legend. From there you can strike east in the direction of Morgan Falls or beyond toward the Brunsweiler and Bad rivers. If you prefer another route you can head southwest toward Cable and the Eau Claire Lakes -- other possible locations of the lost mine. Or you might go directly south to Lake Namekagon and visit the island off Missionary Point that was home to Old Ice Feathers. Maybe after a visit there you will dream the silver mine's location. Others have.
Memory of the old Indian chief lingers
Although your chance of finding the lost mine is probably slim one truth stands forth like a nugget of shining silver. As you travel through this region of dark forests and murmuring cascades, of jewel-like lakes and mysterious hills, it might weave its magic around you as it has for so many others. Even if you fail in your search and never find a speck of mineral wealth you might find another treasure greater than anything that can be dug up and possessed. A perfect wealth of unlimited proportions. The treasure that the Indians have known about all along: The quality of enchantment.
Herbert Wagner is a historian and author from Northern Wisconsin.

If you enjoyed reading this story, I'm sure that your Harley-Davidson loving friends will equally enjoy reading my newest book: At the Creation, Myth, Reality, and the Origin of the Harley-Davidson Motorcycle. Ordering information for this perfect gift item can be found at:
At the Creation Homepage

THE LOST JOSHUA WARD SILVER MINE

copyright Jerry Bowen, Sept. 1993
The Joshua Ward Cabin where the bodies of Joshua Ward, his wife Abigail and their two little girls were found in 1908, locked inside the cabin 30 years after they were murdered by Indians. The ore wagon full of rich silver ore outside was a tantalizing clue to a lost treasure mine. Photo courtesy of Jerry Bowen.
The day was warm as the unrelenting sun beat down on Joshua Ward. It had been a productive trip to his silver mine. After a few days rest he would sell the rich silver ore and could finally buy that team of horses he needed. Hard work and persistence had paid off and he was feeling the contentment of a job well done. After filling the buckets with water at the spring, he headed back to his cabin and family.
Suddenly, he felt a searing pain in his back. Staggering through the cabin door, he realized the cause of his pain; four arrows were buried deep into his back. Once inside, he quickly barred the door with the last of his remaining strength then slowly sank to the floor, breaking the wooden arrow shafts as he fell mortally wounded. Across the room lie the lifeless bodies of his wife Abigail and two daughters, Sarah and Phoebe.
With the death of this family another lost mine story was born.
The mine was not just a figment of a lonely prospectors imagination. It was and is to this day, a silver vein that assayed at an estimated thousand dollars a ton at 1908 silver prices. The story is supported by verifiable facts and confirmed by Frank A. Crampton (a self taught mining engineer with impeccable credentials).
Frank Crampton was born in 1888, to a prominent New York City family. He grew up with all the social amenities befitting his family's wealth, but Frank had a restless nature and at the age of sixteen, he left home. He learned to "Ride the rods" from his new found friends, John Harrington and John T. Sullivan (Sully). Harrington and Sully educated the young Crampton in the hobo lifestyle and introduced him to hard rock mining. Over the years, Frank Crampton became well versed in the art of mining and built a reputation for honesty and hard work, believing nothing was worth while that wasn't earned the hard way.
During a business trip to Boston in 1908, Frank was approached by Massachusetts politician Herman Hormel and Dr. J. E. Meyers. Hormel's relatives had not been heard from for thirty years and he wanted Crampton to find them. The last known contact with the Joshua Ward was a letter. It was mailed from Cherry Creek, Nevada, on August 12, 1878. Early inquiries of law enforcement agencies and post offices in the area revealed nothing of the family's whereabouts.
Hormel produced several letters written by Abigail Ward, which provided several clues. She described an L-shaped cabin with an adjacent ox barn they had built in the wilderness near Cherry Creek. She further described the location as being in a small, narrow, basin-like valley with cottonwood trees and a spring at one end. Joshua had built a road to the cabin, which came over a ridge past the spring at the upper end of the valley.
Included in the letters was a crude map. The map showed the cabin with an arrow pointing south to Hamilton; an arrow pointing east to Cherry Creek; an arrow pointing north to Humboldt; and an arrow pointing west to Eureka. No distances were noted with the exception of "Eureka, six days".
One letter told of Joshua leaving for two weeks to mine one wagonload of silver ore and his of return home. This led Crampton to believe the mine was somewhere within a ten mile radius of the cabin. It was his theory that if the mine had been closer, Joshua would have returned home each night.
After studying the letters, Crampton decided the cabin was located about eighty miles north of Eureka. He surmised the cabin was closer to Cherry Creek than Eureka, for it was at Cherry Creek that Joshua bought his supplies.
Frank sent a telegram to his brother (Ted) in Date Creek, Arizona, instructing him to buy a reliable vehicle and enough supplies to last for one month. Arriving in Ely, Nevada, eight days later, Frank and Ted immediately set out north for Cherry Creek.
Cherry Creek is a small town about forty-five miles north of Ely. When Ted and Frank arrived in 1908, it was at the tail end of its third mining boom. After talking to the locals and obtaining as much information as they could, they left in search of the cabin.
Nearing mid-afternoon, they came across the very dim outline of an old road following it until they came to a deep wash that cut across the road. As they continued on foot, the road became more visible on the opposite side of the wash. Some twenty miles later they spotted a cabin about a mile off in the distance, but nightfall had descended upon them. They decided to make camp and put off investigating the cabin until morning.
Early the next morning they broke camp and headed toward the cabin, apprehensive of what they might find. Passing a spring they came upon a wagon, its wheels sunk into the soil to the hubs. It was obvious it had been there a very long time. Its cargo of rich silver ore lay on the ground below broken sideboards. Nearby in a small shed they found the bleached bones of two oxen, their skulls crushed by the blow of a heavy object.
As they continued on toward the cabin, they could see broken arrows imbedded in the door of the cabin. Frank tried to force the door open but it would not budge. They broke through the top section and it became apparent why the door would not open¾there were three bars holding it fast. Reaching inside he removed the bars, opened the door and entered the cabin. Once inside, his worst fears were confirmed. Underneath thirty years of hardened dust were the mummified bodies of the Ward family. Joshua was on the floor near the door with the broken arrow shafts still in his back. Abigail's body was across the room on the bed, her skull crushed by a single blow. The daughters, Phoebe and Sarah, were near the bed on the floor having suffered the same fate as their mother. The family had lain unmolested for thirty years. Why the Indians had not forced their way back into the cabin remains a mystery.
Snow had begun to fall; Frank and Ted had to complete their business quickly and return to town. They searched the cabin for papers and personal items they could send to Hormel. During the search they loosened a stone in the fireplace and behind it they found $5000 in gold coins. Joshua's mine had been paying well. They repaired the door and carefully closed up the cabin before they headed back to Cherry Creek. Winter was quickly closing in and they would not be able to return until spring.
After a difficult trip back to Cherry Creek, Frank sent a message to Hormel advising him of their find. Frank and Ted settled in for the winter and on Hormel's arrival in the spring, they headed back for the cabin. The bodies and personal effects were removed and the bodies were sent back east for burial. Frank searched for the mine over the next few years but to no avail. I suspect others made many searches over the years, but I have not found any evidence to indicate Joshua Ward's rich silver mine was ever located.

Ref: Deep enough; Frank Crampton
United States Treasure Atlas, Vol-6, Terry
Mining Districts and Mineral Resources of Nevada, Lincoln
Nevada Map Atlas, Nevada Dept. of Transportation
Nevada Ghost Towns and Mining Camps, Paher

BOOTMEN'S TUTORIAL

Some basics for bootmen
Civil War Cavalry Boots
Standard cavalry issue during the American Civil War was the Wellington Boot. In 1815 Arthur Wellsley, First Duke of Wellington, defeated Napoleon at Waterloo. The popular victor became a national icon and both men and women emulated his style of footwear. The modern Wellington had a low cut heel and the shaft was calf high (about 12" to 14") and not thigh high. This made them easier to mass produce. These boots became known as "cavalry boots" and were often made of hard, black leather called kip. Bootmakers based their designs on Northern European riding boots. The most popular was the Coffeyville Boot from Coffeyville, Kansas. It combined the various US Cavalry styles and the original British leather Wellington boot.
After much experimentation by the Quartermaster Corps during and after the Civil War, an oak-tanned Spanish leather which was heavily waxed on the flesh side became the standard. And it was from this waxed calf that most of the early cowboy boots were constructed, as well.
POOR QUALITY CAVALRY BOOTS INTRODUCE ENGLISH WORDS AND PHRASES
Unfortunately during the American Civil War (1861-1865) unscrupulous contractors supplied below par footwear and many of the cavalry boots were mass produced using reinforced cardboard. Climatic conditions took their toll and the soldiers suffered deep cuts to their feet. The English language was enriched with the word shoddy which described manufacturers willing to compromise quality for profit. Many experts believe the final victory was in no small part due to the superior footwear of the Union army.
About 1865, the US Government issued new boots to soldiers. The boots had brass tacks to hold the leather soles of the boots on. As the soles were worn down, the tacks would protrude through the bottom into the soldiers feet. The government put together a committee to study the problem and suggested a solution. Their solution was to issue each soldier a metal file to file down the points of the tacks as they pushed through the boot sole. (Some things never change, do they?) The term "brass tacks" could mean to get to the absolute bottom of things (in original reference to soldier's boots).
By the end of the Civil War, the federal government had half a million pairs of boots surplus to requirements. Systematically thereafter troops stationed on the frontier were supplied with shoddy boots. Shoe historians believe the foundation of the cowboy boot trade in the frontier was based on the simple necessity for civilian bootmakers to replace defective military footwear.
OFFICER'S BOOTS
Boots worn by Civil War officers were provided by private sutlers (a trader who sold drink and provisions to the troops). Officer's boots were not standard government issue. These Boots as shown here were usually from 15" to 19" high, and had a knee flap on the top front of the boot, which provided protection to an officer's legs and knees while riding a horse, mounting, or dismounting. On some officer's boots, there was an extrusion of leather on each side of the knee flap which could be tied around the leg to hold the boot up and in place.
NO LEFT OR RIGHT BOOT
During the American Civil War, boots were made upon straight lasts, meaning that each boot was the same and there was no "right" or "left" boot. What may look like a right or left boot in the picture here actually are straight-last boots that comformed to the curvature of the foot when they were broken in. Right and left boots were introduced after the Civil War but were not popular. It took another 50 years before the masses accepted boots made for right and left feet.

How to flirt with strangers

Have you ever tried to flirt with a stranger?

To some, being able to strike up intriguing conversations with complete strangers comes naturally. Whether it be the cute guy who serves you your morning coffee or the sexy cocktail waitress who you're desperate to get her number (think George Clooney and his current squeeze Sarah Larson), some folks are born with that innate flirtatious quality that emanates from their every pore, giving them the ability to flirt, flirt, flirt with anything that has two legs and a heartbeat.

The key, of course, is knowing how to lean towards flirtatious rather than forceful. But oh, the pressure! We immediately want to feel the chemistry, the pizzazz and the za-za-zoo ricocheting back and forth and a conversation that flows as freely as the wine we're sculling back. And then there's another small problem: how do we go from "Can I get two sugars with my latte?" to a seductive whisper of: "So... what underwear do you have on?"

I admit it's no easy feat. An attempt to be sultry and smooth can quickly turn into the cry of a bumbling idiot without getting across anything witty, wise or memorable if you don't know how to do it right.

Yet no matter how undeniably daunting flirting with strangers might be, apparently we shouldn't shy away from it just yet. Elizabeth Dunn from the University of British Columbia says it can actually be good for our health. She says interaction with strangers could make us happier than money or status because, when we meet new people, we put our best selves forward, which does wonders to boost our mood ...

The results of a Yahoo! Personals study for World Heart Day add fuel to the must-flirt arsenal, with nearly 50 per cent of respondents saying they felt "young, fabulous and sexy" while flirting. A further 36.8 per cent admitted flirting gives them "a natural high" and makes them feel as though they get away with anything.

No wonder my mate Jane - a single, 35-year-old super flirt - is so happy all the time. Her ability to flirt with anyone - men, women, kids, pets, it doesn't really matter - never ceases to amaze me. And the rewards are plentiful: hot date offers, business proposals, freebies, discounts, meals, food, service, upgrades (she often flies first class thanks to her charms), the list goes on.

It's as though she's adopted best-selling author Joyce Jillson's infamous motto which says; "There are only a few times when you don't flirt. When you're sick. When you're with children. When you're on the witness stand."

Yet, for the rest of us, flirting doesn't come that easy, especially for reader Pip who says that after being burnt badly by her ex, she's having trouble getting back into the game. "Lately when I'm introduced to men I could potentially date I freeze up," she writes. "I don't know what to say or how to act. So instead of being flirtatious, I come across like a complete bimbo. And I'm brunette!"

Aussie dating expert Alex Nova, author of the e-book Attract Women Naturally, says all Pip needs is a little confidence.

"Flirting has a lot to do with a person's attitude," he explains. "Don't be afraid to take risks and don't worry about being rejected. Smile at people, specially at the ones you flirt with. It will make you so much more approachable. Friendly people with a smile draw others into the conversation. Maintain a prolonged eye contact, however don't intimidate your potential flirt by staring them into oblivion."

The question many often wonder, however, is whether or not the person they're trying to flirt with is indeed flirting back. Are they into us? Or are they just still standing there to be polite?

"The most obvious way to tell if someone is interested is when the person is making eye contact," says Alex. "The more direct clues are when they are trying to touch you, smell you and do anything else in hopes of attracting your attention. Keep en eye out for playful teasing as this is also another sure way of flirting with someone."

And if there's one thing you take from this column, let it be the advice from the mastermind in telling it like it is, Greg Behrendt author of He's Not That Into You:


"There's nothing wrong with sending a quick note if you're busy or just want to flirt, but it's hard to have any real interaction over text. In the buffet of communication, text messaging should be a side dish, not the entree."

What's your flirting tips? How do you flirt with strangers? Has it worked?
- Samantha Brett
- Watch ASK SAM TV HERE: Sex Etiquette! When it comes to the dos and don'ts in relationships many of us are totally confused. Samantha Brett demystifies sex etiquette.
- More SMH blogs
Posted by Samantha Brett
September 27, 2007 12:00 AM

Six different styles of "lovers"

Although these descriptions are to attempt to sell you (or tempt you to buy, whichever phrase you prefer) a cd on how to attract women, they could be useful for character generation. -- A.D.

1. Overcome Your Hesitation and Fear Around Women - Become the "Natural"
The problem is, we don’t have the right people to model and copy – guys who are just naturals with women.
We’ve all known that guy from school or work who just seemed to attract women effortlessly, without lines or routines or seduction formulas. This guy was just, well, a Natural with women and we envied his seemingly magic talent
I have good news for you- becoming a true Natural (and not just pretending to be one) is not a secret magical talent at all.
Being a true Natural with women is all about letting go and letting loose. Whereas most guys have had their fresh, carefree, childlike spirit beaten out of them, the Natural is, above all else, playful, with a smile on his face and a glint in his eye.
Whereas most guys have learned through school and work to act carefully and deliberately, trying to always please, thinking of how they look in other’s eyes, Naturals are blissfully uncaring, lighthearted, and don’t take anything too seriously.
In this way, Naturals are like children, infecting everyone around them with their youthful impulsiveness and spontaneity. Their playfulness translates into a fearlessness and brazenness with women that most other men have lost. And this relaxed playfulness has an intoxicating effect on women, promising them the chance to come out of their own shells of boring conformity.
This revolutionary trance CD, The Natural, the brainchild of Derek Vitalio and spoken by renowned hypnotist Damian Transari, places you into the mental state and attitude of the true Natural inside of you.
We grow rigid and serious because we don’t have the right people to model. True naturals with women are far and few between and hard to come by. This CD however will allow you to deep trance identify with the archetype of the natural seducer.
The Natural will bring out the natural seducer in you, making you playful and uninhibited and effortless, throwing off the heavy chains of seriousness, snapping apart the bonds of social pressure holding you back.

2. The Rake– Sexually Dangerous, Thrilling, a Devilish Talker, Passionate, Adventurous, Devoted to Pleasure, and a Heartbreaker – The Bad Boy that Mothers Want Their Daughters to Avoid at All Costs… But That Only Adds to His Appeal.
Women are deeply oppressed by the role they are expected to play. Women are supposed to be the moralizers of society and expected to suppress their natural sexual urges and fantasies.
What the Rake offers is what society does not allow to women- an affair of pure pleasure, an exciting brush with danger. The Rake offers to touch and draw out that repressed sexual desire within women that cries out for liberation. The Rake knows that the forbidden and taboo are highly attractive to women.
The Rake, in his pursuit of pleasure, has the ability to let himself go, to abandon himself to the moment, to draw a woman into the kind of purely sensual moment in which past and future lose meaning.
The Rake is delightfully unrestrained, incredibly bold in the face of his own fears, and women admire him for his audacity (forgiving him for the fact that he is always on the prowl for the next woman). The Rake shows no hesitation in his actions by abandoning all restraint, by letting himself go.
And the Rake lives for challenges. Whereas most men give up on the first sign of resistance, the Rake never worries about a woman’s resistance to him. The Rake knows that more “prudish” the woman, the more she will be tempted by a man with a dangerous or naughty side.
After all, it is often the most “virtuous” of women who fall mostly deeply head over heels for the Rake. So resistance only further fans the fire of his determination.
The Rake shows this level of extraordinary confidence because he is at heart a rebel. The Rake casts off convention for sexual adventure and cares little for what society thinks.
In fact, the Rake’s greatest asset is his reputation as an incorrigible and notorious lover of all women. The Rake never apologizes for his love-her-and-leave-her ways, but instead he embraces it. He may be disloyal, dishonest, and sexually “amoral”, but that only adds to his appeal with the ladies. Paradoxically, it his very reputation that makes women compete for his attention.
The Rake too is a master of seductive language, stirring a woman’s repressed longings and need for adventure with sexual suggestion. The Rake chooses his words not to convey information, but to suggest, hypnotize, and infect the woman with emotional turmoil, and lead her into the ultimate temptation.
The Rake too promises passion in the bedroom. When he pursues a woman, he literally glows with desire, burns with passion, is unable to control himself, and makes women feel that he exists for them alone.
Now, you cannot become the bad boy Rake by being fearful and careful and following convention. You cannot become the Rake by being sexually timid or flinching at a woman’s resistance. The bad boy is the man who breaks women out of their passivity and routines and into a world of adventure and fantasy.
After all, women deep down want to rebel, to have a chance to become sexually irrational and uncivilized, to have a chance to explore dangerous sexual pleasures and the taboo.
The Rake CD bypasses the normal learning process of becoming the bad boy. The Rake CD installs the habits and traits of the Rake directly into your subconscious mind so that there’s no studying and no memorizing- just pure absorption and learning.

3. The Star – Dressed, Stylish, Center of Attention, Dreamlike, Coolly Detached From the Outcome – The Man Whom Everyone Wants to Bathe in His Presence
Most women constantly seek to escape from their boring lives into fantasy, adventure, and dreams. Stars feed on this need, standing out from other men through a distinctive, appealing, attention getting style, ranging from his clothes, voice, and gestures.
The Star has a style that makes him stand out from everyone else. He is a master of peacocking himself and he has a way of commanding attention. At a party, all eyes turn toward him when he enters a room. Women wonder what's going on beneath the surface of his eyes, his face. Vague in nature, his words, his actions, his very presence evokes interpretation and keeps women constantly intrigued.
The Star’s power comes from the social proof he wields and he is often accompanied by an entourage. His power comes from others seeing him as a kind of object of power, one that can open doors to a variety of fantasies and adventure. People don't even realize how much they try to imitate them.
The Star too is somewhat mysterious. Stars have qualities such as playfulness and intense sexuality, but at the same time they can seem aloof, vague, and dreamlike (not to be confused with distance or coldness). They have a cool detachment from achieving an outcome and a cool detachment from themselves and they have no qualms about changing their identity or their image to suit the moment.
The attraction of the Star is nonverbal, conveyed not in his words, but rather in his social proof, his body language, his style, and his attitude. Rather than logical expressions, the feelings evoked by his words touches a woman not on a logical, but on an emotional level.
Now you can install the traits and qualities of the Star archetype into your own life to accelerate your game and break through the barriers with beautiful women. The Star will bring out the celebrity in you, the one that has always been there but just needs the encouragement to come out, show up, and stand in the limelight.

4. A Few Men Have an Uncanny Success with Women, and One Type is The Charismatic.
The Charismatic man is particularly successful in groups of people. It’s his smoothness with language that makes him stand out - when he speaks, he uses storytelling, vivid imagery, and delightful spontaneity to move the group to laughter, excitement, and mass euphoria.
The Charismatic knows how to use his body language to command attention, using sweeping physical gestures, animated expressions, and piercing eye contact.
When he speaks, he puts his audience into a sort of hypnotic trance, and no one can take their eyes off of him.
As a result, people feel alive and energized around him, like a kind of electric current passes between him and the group, feeding off one another. Men want to follow him and women want a chance to be with him.
The Charismatic is no entertaining clown however. He makes girls compete and work for his reward and approval, and does not reveal all of himself at once.
And whereas most men hesitate before taking bold action, The Charismatic acts with single-minded self-assurance. He expresses what others are afraid to express. He says what others want to say, but don’t. He does not apologize for who he is or go halfway- and he is never afraid of going too far. It’s this unbridled openness that’s part of his magnetic attraction to women.
You see, most girls are in fact, incredibly bored with their lives. They attempt to suppress their inward sexuality and inner feelings because it is socially unacceptable. Yet women crave openness, adventure, and wild passion.
It’s the Charismatic’s unshakable confidence, sense of adventure, and open acts of social risk that hits women like a thunderclap. He delivers the intense, emotional fix and escape from reality that they’re looking for.
We too can build the archetypal behaviors and mindset of the Charismatic into our own selves by ridding the self-consciousness and discomfort most of us feel in groups. We too can build the skills of commanding body language, spontaneous fun, and group tactics for ourselves.
Think about how important social group skills are- after all, truly beautiful women, particularly in parties, bars, clubs, weddings, and other social events, are rarely found all by themselves. Truly beautiful women are found in groups, accompanied by a network of friends and wannabe suitors.
The Charismatic CD is specifically designed to put your mind into the state of the charismatic archetype and directly install new thoughts and patterns of behavior into you mind while you’re in an altered state of suggestible trance.

5. To Charm Means to Cast a Magical Spell. The Charmer Disarms Women by Understanding Their Inner Spirit, Feels Their Pain, and Adapts Himself to Their Needs and Desires.
The Charmer listens and observes, letting the woman talk, mirroring her until she feels comfortable. His interest is so focused that women relax and open up to him.
The Charmer casts his spell by aiming at her vanity, her ego. Women are in love with and hypnotized by their own image. After all, a woman’s favorite subject is herself. So the Charmer shares her values and tastes and adapts to her every mood, indulging in her vanity and giving her only what she wants to see about herself.
But lurking beneath the surface of any attempt to charm must be sexual tension. The Charmer does NOT give off those nice guy “friend” vibes. No, the Charmer is sexually flirtatious, teasing women with push pull innuendoes and suggestions that are both exciting and addictive.
The Charmer too is always a source of pleasure. Underneath, the Charmer may be clever and calculating, but on the surface he is all fantasy and pleasure. He distracts women from their problems by giving them good feelings. For once a woman feels pleasure it is far easier to bend her to one's will. And it is by making women dependent on him for their pleasure and good feelings that the Charmer reaps his power.
Even when a woman senses the Charmer’s cleverness, she is not immune to his spell. The emotions he provides are so powerful that even if she senses the affair cannot last, she loses all power to resist.
Part of the Charmer’s formula is to never whine nor complain. They are always lighthearted and fun rather than serious or critical. The Charmer never criticizes, begs, or cajoles but rather covertly plants ideas and insinuates suggestions. He never shows anger or impatience, emotions that make women defensive and break the fantasy.
Even in the face of a challenge or a setback, the Charmer keeps his cool to keep women relaxed and at ease. Yes, at all times Charmers are pleasant to be around.
And he doesn’t just limit himself to beautiful women; he befriends and charms as many people as possible. He uses his social skills to create new friends and a wide network of people to work within existing social groups. His objective is to make other people feel powerful and respected, to feel like a star themselves. No one feels ignored by the Charmer and he makes even the least important people feel like kings.
This revolutionary trance CD, The Charmer, brings out the true Charmer of women inside of you. The Charmer will bring out the sexually flirtatious, pleasurable guy who can cast an intoxicating spell on women.

6. The Lover is Like a Portrait Painter. Under His Spell, All of The Woman’s Physical Imperfections Disappear. He Brings Out the Noble Qualities in Women, Frames Them in Myth, and Immortalizes Them.
Who says that Chivalry is dead? The Lover is the man who opens doors for women, puts his shirt down in the mud for her to cross, and takes her hand to cross the street.
The Lover shows absolute devotion to women and puts their interests before his own. He pays scrupulous attention to details to make the fantasy and sex seem lofty and poetic.
The Lover is no pushover though- he should not be confused with the “nice guy”. The Lover adores women, he loves everything about them, but he knows when to walk away from a woman rather than reward her for bad behavior.
Think of the Lover as a knight of adventure and romance, returning women to their dreams and fantasies that have been shattered and broken with age. The Lover thrives on women’s broken hearts, touching her deepest desires and yearnings, and leading her to believe in an ideal love again.
The Lover suggests something more for women to aspire to, gives them a new image to live up to, a new faith in their untapped potential, an idealization of their character. It’s his ability to bring out a starry-eyed vision of noble love that makes women fall in love.
In a world full of surface and loose connections, but lacking in deeper intimacy, Lovers thrive because they seem genuine, open, making a “magical connection” with women that seems to only happen in storybooks and fairytales.
Yet, the Lover strategically flips between the spiritual and poetic and the ravishing and carnal pleasures. It’s the mix of heaven and the hints of forbidden pleasure that make women swoon to his arms. And though the Lover makes sex seem noble and intimacy spiritual, he is playing with power, and merely disguises his strategy behind the image of an idyllic sex.

How to find your ideal mate

This is such a wondrous way to think about the significant other in your life. Note to Self: quit living in a fantasy world and enjoy the real life you have been given. -- A.D.
Posted on Fri, Dec. 14, 2007
BARTON GOLDSMITH: Look to everyday life to find the perfect mate
Scripps Howard News Service
-- Almost daily I hear someone tell me about their ideal mate. The description goes something like this: "I want someone to travel with, who will play the sports I like, someone who will take me to nice places or give me a massage every night."
Although these are all wonderful things, they also are temporary, and not exactly the qualities that you want to look for in a life mate. After all, most of our lives are not spent in the first-class cabin, lunching at Spago or touring Paris. The truth is that we spend the majority of our time taking care of home, hearth and work -- not to mention the kids, animals and whatever else we have attached ourselves to.
Sure, we'd all like to travel the world and enjoy our free moments on the golf course or walking along the beach. But in reality, we spend much of our time as a couple running errands. I believe we need to be with someone who makes those types of chores at least tolerable, if not downright pleasant.
Perhaps our fantasy lovers would never consider going to the market on a Saturday evening, spending a couple of weekends organizing the garage or clipping coupons from the Sunday paper -- and I doubt this is something Brad and Angelina have ever done. Since most of us aren't movie stars, however, we need to put our expectations into perspective.
We also need to realize it's a gift to have a loving companion who helps us endure the stresses of life with as little damage as possible.
Look at your partner again and think to yourself, "Wow, this person has really made the drudgery of daily living much easier." And then, remember to say it to him or her, for your loved one can never hear it enough.
Then thank your lucky stars that you've found someone who isn't going to demand that you fly them to the moon to make them happy. Our days go so quickly. Don't taint them by not appreciating the love you are fortunate enough to have.
I know that chasing down the blue-light special is far less enticing than relaxing on an exotic island but, in the end, most of our time is spent doing the little things. And doing them is so much easier when you have a sweetheart holding your hand as you meander through the aisles.
The most important thing in a good partner is that he or she will accept you for who you are and joyfully share in what the two of you are able to do and provide for, and with, each other.
Dr. Barton Goldsmith, a marriage and family therapist in Westlake Village, Calif., is the author of "Emotional Fitness for Couples. Contact him at Barton@BartonGoldsmith.com. For more stories visit scrippsnews.com.
© 2007 Sun Herald. All Rights Reserved. http://www.sunherald.com

Domestic Violence

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Domestic Violence
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Abusive people typically think they are unique, really so different from other people that they don't have to follow the same rules everyone else does. But rather than being unique, abusers have a lot in common with one another, including their patterns of thinking and behaving. The following are some of their characteristics.
Excuse Making
Instead of accepting responsibility for his actions, the abuser tries to justify his behavior with excuses. For example: "My parents never loved me" or "My parents beat me" or "I had a bad day, and when I walked in and saw this mess, I lost my temper" or "I couldn't let her talk to me that way. There was nothing else I could do."
Blaming
The abuser shifts responsibility for his actions away from himself and onto others, a shift that allows him to justify his abuse because the other person supposedly "caused" his behavior. For example: "If you would stay out of it while I am disciplining the kids, I could do it without hitting them." Or he may say, "She pushes my buttons." Statements like this are victim blaming. If he really had buttons she could push, she would push the one that says, "vacuum" instead the one that says, "hit me".
Redefining
In a variation on the tactic of blaming, the abuser redefines the situation so that the problem is not with him but with others or with the outside world in general. For example, the abuser doesn't come home for dinner at 6 p.m. as he said he would; he comes home at 4 a.m. He says, "You're an awful cook anyway. Why should I come home to eat that stuff? I bet the kids wouldn't even eat it."
Success Fantasies
The abuser believes he would be rich, famous, or extremely successful if only other people weren't "holding me back." He uses this belief to justify his abuse. The abuser also puts other people down verbally as a way of making himself look superior.
Lying
The abuser controls the situation by lying to control the information available. The abuser also may use lying to keep other people, including his victim, off-balance psychologically. For example, he tries to appear truthful when he's lying, he tries to look deceitful even when he's telling the truth, and sometimes he reveals himself in an obvious lie.
Assuming
Abusive people often assume they know what others are thinking or feeling. Their assumption allows them to justify their behavior because they "know" what the other person would think or do in a given situation. For example, "I knew you'd be mad because I went out for a beer after work, so I figured I might as well stay out and enjoy myself."
Above the Rules
As mentioned earlier, an abuser generally believes he is better than other people and so does not have to follow the rules that ordinary people do. That attitude is typical of convicted criminals, too. Each inmate in a jail typically believes that while all the other inmates are criminals, he himself is not. An abuser shows "above-the-rules" thinking when he says, for example, 'I don't need batterer intervention. I'm different than those other men. Nobody has the right to question what I do in my family."
Making Fools of Others
The abuser combines tactics to manipulate others. The tactics include lying, upsetting the other person just to watch his or her reactions, and encouraging a fight between or among others. Or, he may try to charm the person he wants to manipulate, pretending a lot of interest or concern for that person in order to get on her or his good side.
Fragmentation
The abuser usually keeps his abusive behavior separate from the rest of his life. The separation is physical; for example, he will beat up family members but not people outside his home. The separation is psychological; for example, the abuser attends church Sunday morning and beats his wife Sunday night. He sees no inconsistency in his behavior and feels justified in it.
Minimizing
The abuser ducks responsibility for his actions by trying to make them seem less important than they are. For example, "I didn't hit you that hard" or 'I only hit one of the kids. I could have hit them all."
Vagueness
Thinking and speaking vaguely lets the abuser avoid responsibility. For example, "I'm late because I had some things to do on the way home."
Anger
Abusive people are not actually angrier than other people. However, they deliberately appear to be angry in order to control situations and people.
Power Plays
The abuser uses various tactics to power trip others. For instance, he walks out of the room when the victim is talking, or out-shouts the victim, or organizes other family members or associates to "gang up" on the victim in shunning or criticizing her.
Playing Victim
Occasionally the abuser will pretend to be helpless or will act persecuted in order to manipulate others into helping him. Here, the abuser thinks that if he doesn't get what he wants, he is the victim; and he uses the disguise of victim to get back at or make fools of others. Abusers will often claim to be the victim in order to avoid being held accountable by law enforcement. He may assert she was the one who was violent. He will display what are clearly defensive wounds, such as bite marks or scratch marks, and claim she "attacked" him. Or he will declare that the physical marks on her were caused when he was trying to keep her from hurting herself.
Drama and Excitement
Abusive people often make the choice not to have close relationships with other people. They substitute drama and excitement for closeness. Abusive people find it exciting to watch others get angry, get into fights, or be in a state of general uproar. Often, they'll use a combination of tactics described earlier to set up a dramatic and exciting situation.
Closed Channel
The abusive person does not tell much about himself and his real feelings. He is not open to new information about himself, either, such as insights into how others see him. He is secretive, close-minded, and self-righteous. He believes he is right in all situations.
Ownership
The abuser typically is very possessive. Moreover, he believes that anything he wants should be his, and he can do as he pleases with anything that is his. That attitude applies to people as well as to possessions. It justifies his controlling behavior, physically hurting others, and taking things that belong to them.
Self-glorification
The abuser usually thinks of himself as strong, superior, independent, self-sufficient, and very masculine. His picture of the ideal man often is the cowboy or adventurer type. When anyone says or does anything that doesn't fit his glorified self-image, the abuser takes it as an insult.

Infidelity Warning Signs

Advice with Dr. Dave and Dr. Dee
Infidelity Warning Signs http://www.drdaveanddee.com/infidelity1.html
Dear Dr. Dave and Dr. Dee,

My husband suddenly decided to color his gray hair and bought a new wardrobe. Do you think these are signs that he is having an affair?

Signed,

Suspicious

Dear Suspicious,

If he gives you no other reasons to be concerned, then his attention to his appearance could be nothing more than a boost to his ego, not a sign of an affair.

Normally, men who commit adultery have a pattern of behavior changes. Ruth Houston is the author of "Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs." In brief, below are Houston's 21 major categories for detecting an affair. (www.IsHeCheatingOnYou.com)

21 WARNING SIGNS OF AN AFFAIR:

1. PHYSICAL APPEARANCE - 76 telltale signs: If he embarks on a drastic self-induced makeover, it's probably not for you.

2. HOW HE RELATES TO YOU - 70 telltale signs: His involvement with another woman will cause him to treat you differently - even on a subconscious level.

3. CONVERSATIONAL CLUES - 70 telltale signs: He may mention new people, places and things, while the people, places and things he normally talks about are no longer a part of his conversation.

4. WORK HABITS - 39 telltale signs: Work is commonly used as an excuse to account for large blocks of time away from home.

5. DAY-TO-DAY BEHAVIOR - 92 telltale signs: A man who is cheating will display changes of some kind in his normal patterns of behavior. Pay close attention to any deviations in your husband’s daily routine.

6. FINANCIAL AFFAIRS - 52 telltale signs: Affairs cost money. If your husband has a lover, he'll want to wine her, dine her, entertain her and buy her occasional gifts.

7. TRAVEL - 27 telltale signs: Travel affords a cheating unfaithful husband a unique opportunity to cheat away from prying eyes.

8. PERSONALITY OR BEHAVIORAL CHANGES - 36 telltale signs: Be alert for changes in your husband’s attitude, personality or behavior.

9. ABSENCES - 39 telltale signs: Affairs generally require a considerable amount of time.

10. TELEPHONE TIP-OFFS - 76 telltale signs: Many men take the risk of calling their lovers from home or having their lovers call them at home.

11. CAR CLUES - 40 telltale signs: Your husband's (or the family) car can be a rich source of telltale signs.

12. SEX - 37 telltale signs: Be alert for any type of changes in the frequency or the quality of your sex life together. Most important of all: If you suspect your husband of having an affair, take steps to protect yourself. Do not put yourself at risk for HIV/AIDS, herpes or e other sexually transmitted diseases.

13. EATING HABITS - 31 telltale signs: Without even realizing it, he may develop a preference for the type of food she eats, the way she likes her food prepared or the kind of restaurants in which she likes to eat.

14. SMELLS AND TASTES - 21 telltale signs: Pay close attention if your husband smells or tastes different, or if something in your home or car just doesn't smell right.

15. INVASION OF YOUR HOME - 22 telltale signs: It's not uncommon for a man who's cheating to invite his lover to his home. When this happens, it's not unheard of for lovers to leave personal items behind - sometimes deliberately, for an unsuspecting wife to find.

16. GIFTS - 19 telltale signs: During the holidays and various other times throughout the year, you may find gifts or cards hidden around your home or in the car.

17. COMPUTER USE - 30 telltale signs: It's common these days for a cheating husband to use e-mail to communicate with his lover. Some of the telltale signs in this category may also be an indication of his involvement in an online or cyber affair.

18. CELL PHONES AND PAGERS/BEEPERS - 28 telltale signs: Today's technological advances make it easier for a husband to cheat on his wife.

19. PHYSICAL EVIDENCE - 32 telltale signs: Many times there's physical evidence just waiting to be found.

20. HIS BEHAVIOR AROUND OTHER WOMEN - 71 telltale signs: If you're observant, you may be able to determine the identity of your husband’s lover by the way he behaves in her presence, or by how she behaves around him.

21. ACCIDENTAL SLIPS-UPS OR DISCLOSURES - 57 telltale signs: An accidental slip-up on his part or on the part of someone else can clue you in to what's been happening behind your back.

Visit www.IsHeCheatingOnYou.com for more information on cheating husbands and signs of infidelity.

More signs of an abuser

If the abuse has occurred during dating, it is very likely to continue after marriage.
Once physical abuse has occurred, it is likely to occur again and to escalate over time. You cannot change your partner’s behavior. You can only change yourself. It is not necessary to stay in a relationship of fear. You have the right to choose how you wish to live.
Ideally, a good time frame to be alone and work on your recovery is two to three years. An old adage states that we should live through the four seasons before becoming involved with someone new. If you think about it... it does make a lot of sense. The four seasons are, indeed, a cleansing of sorts... providing you with valuable healing time to do your inner work and the time to rebuild your life in a positive healthy way.
If and when you do become involved with someone new, please keep in mind the acting abilities of most abusers. There's a chance you won't experience her abusive side until she's sure she has you "hooked."
Listed below are some clues to help you identify an abuser. Abusers generally exhibit the same type of behavioral patterns. If you learn to recognize those patterns and signals, you can help yourself to stop unhealthy relationships before they begin.
Some Abusive Relationship Warning Signs

The person in your life is warning you and telling you she has an abusive nature if she:

If she emotionally abuses you. This includes insults, belittling comments, ignoring you, or acting sulky or angry when you initiate an action or idea.

If she tells you who you may be friends with, how you should dress, or tries to control other elements of your life or relationship.

If she talks negatively about men in general.

If she gets jealous when there is no reason.

If she drinks heavily, uses drugs, or tries to get you drunk.

If she berates you for not wanting to get drunk, get high, have sex, or go with her to an isolated or personal place.

If she is physically violent to you or to others, even if it's "just" grabbing and pushing to get her way.

If she acts in an intimidating way toward you by invading your "personal space" [sits too close, speaks as if she knows you much better than she does, touches you when you tell her not to.]

If she is unable to handle sexual and emotional frustrations without becoming angry, sulky or withdrawing.

If she does not view you as an equal because she's older or sees herself as smarter or socially superior.

If she goes through extreme highs and lows, is kind one minute and cruel the next.

If she is angry and threatening to the extent that you are changing your behavior so as not to anger her.


Signs to Look for in an Abusive Personality

Many people are interested in ways to predict whether they are about to become involved with someone who will be physically abusive. Many victims do not realize that these early behaviors are warning signs of potential future physical abuse, such as the last four listed behaviors [numbers 13-16.] If the person has several (three or more) of the first 12 listed behaviors, there is a strong potential for physical violence -- the more signs a person has, the more likely the person is a batterer.
In some cases, a batterer may only have a couple of behaviors that the victim can recognize, but they may be very exaggerated (e.g., will try to explain her behavior as signs of her love and concern), and a victim may be flattered at first. However, as time goes by, the behavior becomes more severe and serves to dominate or control the other person.
Below is a list of common behaviors that are seen in abusive people.

1] Jealousy: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love; jealousy has nothing to do with love, it is a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. She will question the other person about whom he talks to, accuse him of flirting, or be jealous of the time he spends with his family or friends. As the jealousy progresses, she may call frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. She may refuse to let you work for fear you will meet someone else, or even do strange behaviors like checking your car mileage or asking friends to watch you.

2] Controlling Behavior: At first, the batterer will say that this behavior is because she is concerned with your safety, your need to use your time well, or your need to make good decisions. She will be angry if you are late coming back from an appointment or a class, she will question you closely about where you went and whom you talked to. As this behavior gets worse, she may not let you make personal decisions about your clothing, hair style, appearance.

3] Quick Involvement: Many people in abusive relationships dated or knew their abusive partners for less than six months before they were married, engaged or living together. She comes on like a whirlwind, claiming, “You are the only person I could ever talk to” or “I’ve never felt like this for anyone before. She will pressure you to commit to the relationship in such a way that you may later feel guilty or that you are “letting her down” if you want to slow down involvement or break up.

4] Unrealistic Expectations: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs; she expects you to be the perfect boyfriend, the perfect husband, the perfect friend or the perfect lover. She will say things like, “If you love me, I’m all you need and you are all I need.” You are supposed to take care of all of her emotional needs.

5] Isolation: The abusive person will try to cut you off from all resources. She accuses you of being “tied to your mother’s apron strings,” or your friends of “trying to cause trouble” between you. If you have a friend of the opposite sex, you are “going out on her” and if you have friends of the same sex, she may accuse you of being gay.

6] Blames Others for Problems: She is chronically unemployed, someone is always waiting for her to do wrong or mess up or someone is always out to get her. She may make mistakes and blame you for upsetting her. She may accuse you of preventing her from concentrating on school. She will tell you that you are at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.

7] Blames Others for Feelings: She will tell you, “You make me mad,” “You are hurting me by not doing what I want you to do,” or “I can’t help being angry.” She really makes the decisions about how she thinks or feels, but will use feelings to manipulate you.

8] Hypersensitivity: An abusive person is easily insulted, and claims that their feelings are hurt when really she is very mad. She often takes the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. She will rant about things that are really just part of living like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being asked to help others with chores.

9] Cruelty to Animals or Children: This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain and suffering. She may tease younger brothers or sisters until they cry.

10] “Playful” use of Force in Sex: This kind of person is likely to be abusive during making out, or she may want you to act out fantasies in which you are helpless. She is letting you know that the idea of sex is exciting. She may show little concern about whether you want affection and may sulk or use anger to manipulate you into compliance.

11] Verbal Abuse: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abusive person tries to degrade you, curses you, calls you names or makes fun of your accomplishments. The abusive person will tell you that you are stupid and unable to function without her. This may involve waking you up to verbally abuse you or not letting you go to sleep until you talk out an argument.

12] Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde: Many people are confused by their abusive partner’s “sudden” changes in mood -- you may think she has a mental problem because she is nice one minute and the next minute she is exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who are abusive to their partners, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics like hypersensitivity.

13] Past Battering: This person may say that she has hit boyfriends or husbands in the past but the other person “made her do it.” You may hear from relatives or past male friends that she is abusive. An abusive person will be physically abusive to any one they are with if the other person is with them long enough for the violence to begin; situational circumstances do not change a person into an abuser.

14] Threats of violence: This could include any threat of physical force meant to control you: “I’ll slap you,” “I’ll kill you,” or “I’ll break your neck." Most people do not threaten their partners, but the abusive person will try to excuse her threats by saying, “Everybody talks that way.”

15] Breaking or Striking Objects: This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize you into submission. The abuser may beat on the table with her fists, throw objects at or near you, kick the car, slam the door or drive at a high rate of speed or recklessly to scare you. Not only is this a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but there is great danger when someone thinks they have the “right” to punish or frighten you.

16] Any Force During an Argument: This may involve an abusive partner holding you down, physically restraining you from leaving the room, any pushing or shoving. She may hold you against the wall and say, “You are going to listen to me.”
"Signs to Look for in an Abusive Personality" from the Knoxville Police Department Domestic Violence Unit website. Thank you for making this information available.
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page17.html

How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date
By: Dr. Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse7.html
Copyright Notice
This material is copyrighted. Free, unrestricted use is allowed on a non commercial basis.
The author's name and a link to this Website must be incorporated in any reproduction of the material for any use and by any means.
Write to me: palma@unet.com.mk or narcissisticabuse-owner@yahoogroups.com
Is there anything you can do to avoid abusers and narcissists to start with? Are there any warning signs, any identifying marks, rules of thumb to shield you from the harrowing and traumatic experience of an abusive relationship?
Imagine a first or second date. You can already tell if he is a would-be abuser. Here's how:
Perhaps the first telltale sign is the abuser's alloplastic defenses – his tendency to blame every mistake of his, every failure, or mishap on others, or on the world at large. Be tuned: does he assume personal responsibility? Does he admit his faults and miscalculations? Or does he keep blaming you, the cab driver, the waiter, the weather, the government, or fortune for his predicament?
Is he hypersensitive, picks up fights, feels constantly slighted, injured, and insulted? Does he rant incessantly? Does he treat animals and children impatiently or cruelly and does he express negative and aggressive emotions towards the weak, the poor, the needy, the sentimental, and the disabled? Does he confess to having a history of battering or violent offenses or behavior? Is his language vile and infused with expletives, threats, and hostility?
Next thing: is he too eager? Does he push you to marry him having dated you only twice? Is he planning on having children on your first date? Does he immediately cast you in the role of the love of his life? Is he pressing you for exclusivity, instant intimacy, almost rapes you and acts jealous when you as much as cast a glance at another male? Does he inform you that, once you get hitched, you should abandon your studies or resign your job (forgo your personal autonomy)?
Does he respect your boundaries and privacy? Does he ignore your wishes (for instance, by choosing from the menu or selecting a movie without as much as consulting you)? Does he disrespect your boundaries and treats you as an object or an instrument of gratification (materializes on your doorstep unexpectedly or calls you often prior to your date)? Does he go through your personal belongings while waiting for you to get ready?
Does he control the situation and you compulsively? Does he insist to ride in his car, holds on to the car keys, the money, the theater tickets, and even your bag? Does he disapprove if you are away for too long (for instance when you go to the powder room)? Does he interrogate you when you return ("have you seen anyone interesting") – or make lewd "jokes" and remarks? Does he hint that, in future, you would need his permission to do things – even as innocuous as meeting a friend or visiting with your family?
Does he act in a patronizing and condescending manner and criticizes you often? Does he emphasize your minutest faults (devalues you) even as he exaggerates your talents, traits, and skills (idealizes you)? Is he wildly unrealistic in his expectations from you, from himself, from the budding relationship, and from life in general?
Does he tell you constantly that you "make him feel" good? Don't be impressed. Next thing, he may tell you that you "make" him feel bad, or that you make him feel violent, or that you "provoke" him. "Look what you made me do!" is an abuser's ubiquitous catchphrase.
Does he find sadistic sex exciting? Does he have fantasies of rape or pedophilia? Is he too forceful with you in and out of the sexual intercourse? Does he like hurting you physically or finds it amusing? Does he abuse you verbally – does he curse you, demeans you, calls you ugly or inappropriately diminutive names, or persistently criticizes you? Does he then switch to being saccharine and "loving", apologizes profusely and buys you gifts?
If you have answered "yes" to any of the above – stay away! He is an abuser.
Then there is the abuser's body language. It comprises an unequivocal series of subtle – but discernible – warning signs. Pay attention to the way your date comports himself – and save yourself a lot of trouble!
Many abusers have a specific body language. It comprises an unequivocal series of subtle – but discernible – warning signs. Pay attention to the way your date comports himself – and save yourself a lot of trouble!
Abusers are an elusive breed, hard to spot, harder to pinpoint, impossible to capture. Even an experienced mental health diagnostician with unmitigated access to the record and to the person examined would find it fiendishly difficult to determine with any degree of certainty whether someone is being abusive because he suffers from an impairment, i.e., a mental health disorder.
Some abusive behavior patterns are a result of the patient's cultural-social context. The offender seeks to conform to cultural and social morals and norms. Additionally, some people become abusive in reaction to severe life crises.
Still, most abusers master the art of deception. People often find themselves involved with a abuser (emotionally, in business, or otherwise) before they have a chance to discover his real nature. When the abuser reveals his true colors, it is usually far too late. His victims are unable to separate from him. They are frustrated by this acquired helplessness and angry that they failed to see through the abuser earlier on.
But abusers do emit subtle, almost subliminal, signals in his body language even in a first or casual encounter. These are:
"Haughty" body language – The abuser adopts a physical posture which implies and exudes an air of superiority, seniority, hidden powers, mysteriousness, amused indifference, etc. Though the abuser usually maintains sustained and piercing eye contact, he often refrains from physical proximity (he maintains his personal territory).
The abuser takes part in social interactions – even mere banter – condescendingly, from a position of supremacy and faux "magnanimity and largesse". But even when he feigns gregariousness, he rarely mingles socially and prefers to remain the "observer", or the "lone wolf".
Entitlement markers – The abuser immediately asks for "special treatment" of some kind. Not to wait his turn, to have a longer or a shorter therapeutic session, to talk directly to authority figures (and not to their assistants or secretaries), to be granted special payment terms, to enjoy custom tailored arrangements. This tallies well with the abuser's alloplastic defenses - his tendency to shift responsibility to others, or to the world at large, for his needs, failures, behavior, choices, and mishaps ("look what you made me do!").
The abuser is the one who – vocally and demonstratively – demands the undivided attention of the head waiter in a restaurant, or monopolizes the hostess, or latches on to celebrities in a party. The abuser reacts with rage and indignantly when denied his wishes and if treated the same as others whom he deems inferior. Abusers frequently and embarrassingly "dress down" service providers such as waiters or cab drivers.
Idealization or devaluation – The abuser instantly idealizes or devalues his interlocutor. He flatters, adores, admires and applauds the "target" in an embarrassingly exaggerated and profuse manner – or sulks, abuses, and humiliates her.
Abusers are polite only in the presence of a potential would-be victim – a "mate", or a "collaborator". But they are unable to sustain even perfunctory civility and fast deteriorate to barbs and thinly-veiled hostility, to verbal or other violent displays of abuse, rage attacks, or cold detachment.
The "membership" posture – The abuser always tries to "belong". Yet, at the very same time, he maintains his stance as an outsider. The abuser seeks to be admired for his ability to integrate and ingratiate himself without investing the efforts commensurate with such an undertaking.
For instance: if the abuser talks to a psychologist, the abuser first states emphatically that he never studied psychology. He then proceeds to make seemingly effortless use of obscure professional terms, thus demonstrating that he mastered the discipline all the same – which is supposed to prove that he is exceptionally intelligent or introspective.
In general, the abuser always prefers show-off to substance. One of the most effective methods of exposing a abuser is by trying to delve deeper. The abuser is shallow, a pond pretending to be an ocean. He likes to think of himself as a Renaissance man, a Jack of all trades, or a genius. Abusers never admit to ignorance or to failure in any field – yet, typically, they are ignorant and losers. It is surprisingly easy to penetrate the gloss and the veneer of the abuser's self-proclaimed omniscience, success, wealth, and omnipotence.
Bragging and false autobiography – The abuser brags incessantly. His speech is peppered with "I", "my", "myself", and "mine". He describes himself as intelligent, or rich, or modest, or intuitive, or creative – but always excessively, implausibly, and extraordinarily so.
The abuser's biography sounds unusually rich and complex. His achievements – incommensurate with his age, education, or renown. Yet, his actual condition is evidently and demonstrably incompatible with his claims. Very often, the abuser's lies or fantasies are easily discernible. He always name-drops and appropriates other people's experiences and accomplishments as his own.
Emotion-free language – The abuser likes to talk about himself and only about himself. He is not interested in others or what they have to say. He is never reciprocal. He acts disdainful, even angry, if he feels an intrusion on his precious time.
In general, the abuser is very impatient, easily bored, with strong attention deficits – unless and until he is the topic of discussion. One can dissect all aspects of the intimate life of a abuser, providing the discourse is not "emotionally tinted". If asked to relate directly to his emotions, the abuser intellectualizes, rationalizes, speaks about himself in the third person and in a detached "scientific" tone or composes a narrative with a fictitious character in it, suspiciously autobiographical.
Most abusers get enraged when required to delve deeper into their motives, fears, hopes, wishes, and needs. They use violence to cover up their perceived "weakness" and "sentimentality". They distance themselves from their own emotions and from their loved ones by alienating and hurting them.
Seriousness and sense of intrusion and coercion – The abuser is dead serious about himself. He may possess a fabulous sense of humor, scathing and cynical, but rarely is he self-deprecating. The abuser regards himself as being on a constant mission, whose importance is cosmic and whose consequences are global.
If a scientist – he is always in the throes of revolutionizing science. If a journalist – he is in the middle of the greatest story ever. If an aspiring businessman - he is on the way to concluding the deal of the century. Woe betide those who doubt his grandiose fantasies and impossible schemes.
This self-misperception is not amenable to light-headedness or self-effacement. The abuser is easily hurt and insulted (narcissistic injury). Even the most innocuous remarks or acts are interpreted by him as belittling, intruding, or coercive slights and demands. His time is more valuable than others' – therefore, it cannot be wasted on unimportant matters such as social intercourse, family obligations, or household chores. Inevitably, he feels constantly misunderstood.
Any suggested help, advice, or concerned inquiry are immediately cast by the abuser as intentional humiliation, implying that the abuser is in need of help and counsel and, thus, imperfect. Any attempt to set an agenda is, to the abuser, an intimidating act of enslavement. In this sense, the abuser is both schizoid and paranoid and often entertains ideas of reference.
Finally, abusers are sometimes sadistic and have inappropriate affect. In other words, they find the obnoxious, the heinous, and the shocking – funny or even gratifying. They are sexually sado-masochistic or deviant. They like to taunt, to torment, and to hurt people's feelings ("humorously" or with bruising "honesty").
While some abusers are "stable" and "conventional" – others are antisocial and their impulse control is flawed. These are very reckless (self-destructive and self-defeating) and just plain destructive: workaholism, alcoholism, drug abuse, pathological gambling, compulsory shopping, or reckless driving.
Yet, these – the lack of empathy, the aloofness, the disdain, the sense of entitlement, the restricted application of humor, the unequal treatment, the sadism, and the paranoia – do not render the abuser a social misfit. This is because the abuser mistreats only his closest – spouse, children, or (much more rarely) colleagues, friends, neighbours. To the rest of the world, he appears to be a composed, rational, and functioning person. Abusers are very adept at casting a veil of secrecy – often with the active aid of their victims – over their dysfunction and misbehavior.
The abuser mistreats only his closest – spouse, children, or (much more rarely) colleagues, friends, and neighbours. To the rest of the world, he appears to be a composed, rational, and functioning person. Abusers are very adept at casting a veil of secrecy – often with the active aid of their victims – over their dysfunction and misbehavior.
Read about the abuser's tactics and concealment and manipulation here:
Telling Them Apart
Facilitating Narcissism
This is why the abuser's offending behavior comes as a shock even to his closest, nearest, and dearest.
In the October 2003 issue of the Journal of General Internal Medicine, Dr. Christina Nicolaidis of the Oregon Health and Science University in Portland, studied 30 women between the ages of 17 and 54, all survivors of attempted homicide by their intimate partners.
Half of them (14) confessed to have been "completely surprised" by the attack. They did not realize how violent their partner can be and the extent of risk they were continuously exposed to. Yet, all of them were the victims of previous episodes of abuse, including the physical sort. They could easily have predicted that an attempt to end the relationship would result in an attack on body and property.
"If I had talked to some of these women before the attack, I would have counseled them about the domestic violence, but I would not have necessarily felt that their lives were in danger," Nicolaidis told Reuters – "Now I am more careful to warn any woman who has experienced intimate partner violence about the risk to her life, especially around the time that the relationship is ending".
Secrecy is a major weapon in the abuser's arsenal. Many batterers maintain a double life and keep it a well-guarded secret. Others show one face – benign, even altruistic – to an admiring world and another – ominous and aggressive – at home. All abusers insist on keeping the abuse confidential, safe from prying eyes and ears.
The victims collaborate in this cruel game through cognitive dissonance and traumatic bonding. They rationalize the abuser's behavior, attributing it to incompatibility, mental health problems, temporary setbacks or circumstances, a bad relationship, or substance abuse. Many victims feel guilty. They have been convinced by the offender that they are to blame for his misconduct ("you see what you made me do!", "you constantly provoke me!").
Others re-label the abuse and attribute it to the batterer's character idiosyncrasies. It is explained away as the sad outcome of a unique upbringing, childhood abuse, or passing events. Abusive incidents are recast as rarities, an abnormality, few and far between, not as bad as they appear to be, understandable outbursts, justified temper tantrums, childish manifestations, a tolerable price to pay for an otherwise wonderful relationship.
When is a woman's life at risk?
Nicolaidis Reuters: "Classic risk factors for an attempted homicide by an intimate partner include escalating episodes or severity of violence, threats with or use of weapons, alcohol or drug use, and violence toward children."
Yet, this list leaves out ambient abuse – the stealth, subtle, underground currents of maltreatment that sometimes go unnoticed even by the victims themselves. Until it is too late.