Abuse and abusers

Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Jeanne Phillips: Dear Abby
Behavior patterns betray abuser's urge to control
Dear Readers: Yesterday I printed the feedback I received regarding "Smothered in Michigan," a recently divorced mother of two. Her ex-husband had been an alcoholic. She's now dating his "polar opposite" who "treats her like a queen" and is "loving, affectionate, generous and caring."
She went on to say he stops by her job "only a few" times a day, and the minute she's home he shows up at her door. All her dinners are with him -- he pays for everything -- and he doesn't leave until her kids go to bed. He spends every waking hour with her and accompanies her wherever she goes. She said she knows she should feel grateful, but instead feels "indebted, stalked, controlled and burdened."
I told her she and the man were overdue for a frank talk about personal space.
Classic warning signs of an abuser
1. Pushes for quick involvement: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser presses for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
2. Jealous: Excessively possessive; calls constantly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.
3. Controlling: Interrogates you intensely about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
4. Unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be the perfect mate.
5. Isolation: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or try to keep you from holding a job.
6. Blames others for problems or mistakes: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.
7. Makes others responsible for his or her feelings: The abuser says, "You make me angry," or "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."
8. Hypersensitivity: Is easily insulted. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.
9. Cruelty to animals or children: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability. Sixty- five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.
10. "Playful" use of force during sex: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you against your will during sex.
11. Verbal abuse: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names.
12. Rigid gender roles: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.
13. Sudden mood swings: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
14. Past battering: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.
15. Threats of violence: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," then dismisses them with "I didn't really mean it."
Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby .com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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