Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Murphy's love laws
If the person isn't taken, there's a reason.
The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant. This constant is always zero.
The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it.
Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
Nice guys (girls) finish last.
The good ones die first.
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
Nothing improves with age.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
Sex has no calories.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Virginity can be cured.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
It is always the wrong time of month.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
Love is a hole in the heart.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Do it only with the best.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Anonymous comment: The person who said that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...NEVER loved and lost!
Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Never say no.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
Love comes in spurts.
The world does not revolve on an axis.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
"This won't hurt, I promise."
An ex-wife/husband will always be "till death do us part".
When a man wants his wife to hear, she doesn't listen. When that same man doesn't want his wife to hear, she's all ears.
It's always easier to get a partner if you already have one.
Although it may seem like that on the outside, no one is having fun being single
If you're heart is broken, sweep up the pieces. There will always be someone who will want to put it back together.
Love and high-school must NEVER go together.
If a man speaks deep in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him; is he still wrong?
Show me a husband who won't, I'll show you a neighbor who will
It doesn't matter HOW good it was, if you end up worrying or regretting it, it was bad sex
You get the best sex from the worst one for you
Never trust a woman who acts like you are so sexy she can't help herself but drag you to bed
No one is as fascinating as they think
If you believe a relationship can't work, but feel the need to try, it won't. Corollary: You will later find out that your lack of belief caused it to fail.
The duration of a relationship to a person is inversely proportionate to the importance of person to you.
The key to a woman's heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time.
The two things no man can ever understand; Women and what makes all men complete damm fools over women.
Love makes believers of us all. Translation: Love obscures common sense.
Being taken attracts women. Being single makes them avoid you like the plague.
If you go behind a girl you are heading to trouble.
In the eternal battle of the sexes, women are already the winners.
When with your girlfriend you will always have gas.
Celibacy is not heredity.
The hornier someone is, the less likely that it will be they have sex. Corollary Horniness is inversely related to one's chance of scoring
The man shalt not win the argument he started. The man shalt not win the argument he didn't start. If a man won an argument, it was just in his head.
(for the ladies) Try and try as you might, there will still be times where men are just assholes. We can't help it and we're sorry
A love will tell you they love you endlessly. A true love will tell everyone else they love you endlessly despite the embarrassment factor
When all else fails, have hopeE
Eichel's Rule - During sex, try to sweat
In Romance and in Finance, we play with Figures.
A cauliflower resembles a rose, if your eyesight is not 6/6
Before falling in love do take your backup, it always helps in recovery.
If a man has it he won't want it, the guy who buys it won't use it, the guy who uses it could give a shit about it, so don't give a shit and you will have it all.
Love has all the answers. But till then sex brings up some good questions.
Sex on the TV can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Anticipation is 98% of the pleasure
The amount of members of the opposite sex you pursue is inversely proportional to pretty much everything about you, such as intelligence.
If you are interested in someone, a close friend will grab their attention. This is especially likely if they:
A.) Don't want the attention of said person and/or
B.) Are already dating someone else
The ABC rule: If A is attracted to B, and you are attracted to C, A has a better chance with B than you do with C. B and C are often the same person.
The uglier the girl the closer she lives.
If any things will happen on the first date, you won't have a condom.
The size of the pencil is not as important as the quality of the writing. Corollaries: The quality of the writing is affected by the quality of the paper. Regardless of how well one writes, it is difficult to write at all unless there is lead in the pencil.
Marriage is the greatest leveler.
Girls are like toilet rooms. Either it is taken, or full of sh*t.
If you're having difficulties choosing between potential two girls, you'll always pick the wrong one.
If it seems perfect today, tomorrow it will end.
If a girl tell you "let's stay friends", she won't call ever again. If you call, she won't answer.
You'll always catch fever before the first date.
Never make love in your back garden. Love is blind, but not your neighbors. Or in another version:
Don't make love by the garden gate, love is blind but the neighbors ain't.
Love is blind. Marriage is an eye opener.
When it comes to love and lost, doing the right thing always hurts.
Being honest with someone will always turn that person into an enemy.
When your girlfriend says that you have to talk, the relationship is over.
The day you decide to tell you're girlfriend you could not live without her she will leave you the next day.
You're best friend stop being you're best friend the instant a beautiful woman walks in and you both are attracted to her.
The more you want a women the least she will want you.
When she says: "Don't buy me anything expensive" and you listen, expect to be single.
Even the most beautiful woman in the world has at least one guy who is tired of her.
If you marry a beautiful girl she'll turn into her mother. If you marry a plain girl she'll turn into her dad.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife. But they never said anything about their daughter.
The mother of the man, or the father of the woman you love will invariably hate you.
The best men (or women) are always taken--or crazy.
When you take your time getting ready your date will arrive 20 min. early; when you're on time they're 30 minutes late.
As soon as you break up the man (or woman) who couldn't commit TO YOU will get married.
A good women/men are like parking spots, all the good ones are taken.
Procrastination is a lot like masturbation, it feels good until you realize you’re just fucking yourself
Women are like boats: they require constant maintenance and attention, and they cost a lot of money.
Men are like buses: another one will eventually come along.
Never forget: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!
Kracke/Malenka Law: Good from far, far from good.
Walter/Kerwin Law: Any good looking person you see that isn't alone, will be accompanied by a person of the opposite sex who doesn't deserve to be with them.
The length of a relationship is directly related to how much you are attracted to your significant other best friend.
No woman\men is better than two
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question - YES is the answer.
Romance is when common sense flies out of the window.
Being told you’re the nicest guy they know is the kiss of death.
Everybody is most horny when alone.
Beauty is directly proportional to the number of drinks consumed. Corollary: Beauty is also directly related to the time remaining until last call.
The other side’s lawyers are always better then yours.
The partner you want don't want you. The ones that want you are not made for you.
Any "Why" question, has no answer, and if it does, that answer is not logical.
Love will cause people to do stupid things.
Loving someone too much may be cause for a restraining order.
If you love a person let them go. If they don't come back they weren't worth it.
Sex ends all interest.
Cute now equals annoying later.
Not everything takes longer than you expect.
It's only kinky the first time you do it.
Halmos law: To get your significant other you need: Time. Money and Energy. The sum of the three is constant. If you are short of one of them, you need quite a lot of the remaining two. If you are short of two of them, you need tremendous amount of the remaining one. If you are short of all the three, no hope. Otherwise the result is always success.
The love of your life will only want you back once you are in another serious relationship.
You don't pay for sex, you pay him/her to leave after you're done.
Beaches law: If you think a girl is beautiful, her boyfriend will always be there to confirm it.
Seduction law: Your seduction potential is inversely proportional to your willingness to seduce
The most intelligent statements will be thought of at the most inappropriate times. (i.e. during a make out session, strike up a law of Quantum physics, thus demonstrating that you are not interested in the other person).
You never truly know a significant other until you meet him/her in a court of law.
No matter how beautiful/wonderful s/he may seem to be, there's always someone out there that's sick and tired of his/her s**t too.
If (s)he wants to dump you, (s)he will find a reason.
or
If (s)he wants to dump you, (s)he will.
(wo)man = time + money
time = money
(wo)man = money2
Money = √evil (money is root of evil)
man = evil
Marriage is like a dog with a bone, he might not touch it, just doesn't let another dogs come near it.
Everything that glitters, is not WET.
When you finally bed the attractive blond/e, s/he'll nick your wallet and watch.
Unless you owe him/her fifty quid.
Marriage is the ending of a perfectly good sex life
Albert Einstein Gravity Law: Gravity cannot be held responsible for 2 people falling in love.
The difference between love and the common cold is that for the common cold there is a vaccine.
The Tommy Lee/Pamela Anderson law for celebrity couple Persona-polarization: The most beautiful women in the world, always marry the most ugly men.
The Carmen Electra/ Dennis Rodman corollary: The most beautiful men in the world ALSO marry the most ugly AND most crazy men in the world.
If you love her/him, s/he doesn't love you
If you are in love, he/she isn't
If you want love, you don't get it
If a beautiful wo/man loves you, it's fake
If you are happy together, wait till you are married
It's always the quiet ones that have the two dozen corpses in their basements.
Love can be your best friend and/or your worst enemy
Wedding cake cures nymphomania.
Everyone believes in love, but wonder if it exists
You may get off on a cheap hooker but you can't get off on a cheap lawyer
The one thing that will almost certainly come between two friends is a girl
The sexier a man is, the better the chances that he is gay
Being told that someone doesn't want to date you because you're such a good friend, is like being told that you didn't get the job because you're overqualified
When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow
the girl/boyfriend who says s/he is... isn't
You don't fall in love, you fall in a hole. The depth of the hole is proportionate to how oblivious you are of the fall.
The best way to get over a woman.....is to get over another
You always need a more patient partner no matter how patient s/he is
Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
Absence makes the heart go wander.
The person you want the most will end up with the person you hate the most.
If you get it, it will be taken away.
The perfection of a person is proportional to how much you love him/her.
The imperfection of a person is proportional to how much you hate him/her.
Rebillot's Law of Infertility: You never know that you're infertile until you try to fertilize.
In any married couple, both members think that they will be the first one to die, which means that at least 50% of the people will be wrong.
You'll think of a great line to say to someone the moment after your chance is gone.
Murphy's military police laws
Your brassard and your badge won't stop bullets.
If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
Don't look conspicuous - it antagonizes officers.
When in doubt, empty your shotgun.
Never share a patrol car with anyone braver than you.
Not wearing body armor attracts bullets and knives.
If your response goes well, you're at the wrong barracks.
Your Patrol Supervisor will show up when you're doing something really stupid.
The time it takes to respond to an emergency is inversely proportional to the importance of the call.
The warrant you don't read is the one you'll serve at the wrong quarters.
No matter how you write it, the Desk Sergeant will want it changed.
If you charge in all alone, you'll be shot by your own officers.
The diversion you're ignoring is the actual crime.
The important things are always simple.
The simple things are always hard.
The easy ways are always blocked.
The short cuts are always under construction by the post engineers.
Anything you do can get you in trouble - including doing nothing.
When you've secured a crime scene, don't forget to tell the brass.
Using the siren and light to clear traffic - attracts traffic.
It only becomes a riot right after you show up.
If you take out the newest patrol car, you'll have an accident.
No street-wise unit ever passed inspection.
No inspection-ready unit ever makes it on the streets.
The thing you really need, will be left back at the MP Station.
Radios will fail as soon as you need back-up desperately.
Flashlight batteries always die out, just when you really need light.
Military working dogs attack anything that moves - including you.
The helicopter will always be low on fuel, as soon as you need it.
You'll find the suspect you want, when you're off-duty and unarmed.
If you respond to more than your fair share of calls, you'll have more than your fair share of calls to respond to.
The suspect will escape, just before you set up a good perimeter.
The dependent who screams loudly when you don't show up quickly, also screams loudly when you do.
The weight of the dead body you'll have to carry is proportional to the amount of stairs you'll have to climb.
Fatalities always occur at the end of shift - or when it rains and snows.
Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
Contrary to popular belief - general officers don't get tickets.
You won't get called to a court martial - unless it's your day off.
Take off your hat and the MP Duty Officer shows up.
Empty guns - aren't.
Your two minute "back-up" is always actually ten minutes away.
The alley you sprint down, is the wrong alley.
Tasting suspected drugs works - but only on TV or in the movies.
Suspects always hide in the last place you look.
Better to be judged by twelve, than carried by six.
Professional criminals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
Admit nothing, deny everything, demand proof - then blame a Private.
Don't stand, if you can sit - don't sit, if you can lay down - if you can lay down, you might as well take a nap.
Contrary to popular belief, O.C. *IS* an area effect weapon.
Murphy's Miscellaneous Laws
Rental laws - Movies that are not available on video are the ones you want to see.
A library book will always be checked out when you want to get it.
Any movie at your local video store will always be rented out when you want to rent it yourself.
Political laws - No matter who gets elected, Government always gets in
Politics and religion don't mix well
What is neo-capitalism (the neo-capitalism of the ex-socialist countries)?
Blind alley, leading out of a dead-end street.
What is socialism? Victory of ideology over clear mind.
It's when you are finally on top when everyone finds out all the bad things that you did as a teen, thus ruining your position.
Every revolution has its wastage - sounds the wisdom of politicians.
The loss of the wealth of the nation and absolute poverty of 35% of the population isn't too much?
(This was the result of the silent revolution of the last decade in Hungary.)
We could do worse, we always have.
Printing Laws - Your print job is always behind the Largest Print job in the Queue.
If its about to print, The printer will get jammed.
When they fix the paper jam, it will be out of Paper.
When you get the paper, it will be out of toner.
Golf laws - Whenever you think your drive will go right it wouldn't
Whenever you think your aim is right is not
Whenever you think you might finish a 9 holes play with one ball it wouldn't
whenever you think you have a clear drive over water it will ditch
whenever you think you might par you boogie
whenever you think you hit the green you wouldn't
The more people looking at you driving on the driving range, the more slicing your driving will get.
Rain on a golf course is Gods way of telling you that you're playing too slow.
Only good golf shots are ever spoiled by the most unlikely of events.
Employees laws - When your workmates absolutely guarantee they'll take care of your duties while you're on vacation, they won't.
Corollary: the week you're gone, will be the "week from hell" you now have to catch up on.
The more work you are promised, the harder it is to find.
Some one always gets the good jobs first.
Your unemployment check always comes after you find work.
The ideal job for you was filled right before you found out about it.
In a job interview you need to be well spoken, clear, pleasantly dressed, confident and polite. Even if you are you wont get it.
The job you want is well paying, interesting, fun, rewarding, conveniently located, or attainable; pick one
Employers are either all the things you'd hate in a co-worker or start looking for another job.
There are demerit points for originality when one is caught.
If the boss doesn't understand your work they will either ignore it, pretend they did it, or Freak out.
The 10 minutes presentation or video stating everything on how the company caring about you as an employee and as an individual was originally a brilliant April fools joke until a vice president decided that some of the grunts are dumb enough to believe it.
The happiest person in the company cannot ever be trusted.
If your manager has nothing bad to tell you for too long you will soon need their reference.
Your current boss is the worst you've ever had until the next one.
Free thought is a capital crime.
The most enthusiastic worker doesn't get paid any better than anyone else.
You will never get fired at the beginning of the day. Your boss will think this is a good thing.
The more you hate a job and wish to leave the longer you end up staying put.
The person interviewing you had less than half or your qualifications when they got the job and will want twice what you have.
If you've always wanted to do __________ during an interview ____________ will get you arrested.
Losing a job is never as much fun or as dignified as you imagine it.
If you bring your voodoo doll/adult magazine or embarrassing cream to work your boss will find it.
If you get used to thinking "screw you" after every superior speaks to you you will blurt it out sooner or later. Unless you're a phone sex girl or a stripper people will mind.
Being yourself will have to wait until you get home or at least a bar.
The uniform you have to wear comes in two sizes small and pinches things.
The uniform you have to wear was designed by a color blind masochist who likes laughing at those who have to wear it.
The more you have to pay for the uniform the less likely you will be to ever wear any piece of it.
There will be one photocopier in the office everyone hits in order to make it work. This will be secretly known by most as the best office equipment in the building.
Your Boss will always call you, when you aren't at your desk.
If you come late to the office, the chances are, your boss is already in his room.
When most important task awaits you get most number of interruptions.
the last person to be fired or quit is responsible for all errors until the next person is fired or quits
It's not about the award it's about the achievement.
When you are convinced everything works just fine you are overlooking something
Equal Oppertunity programs aren't
If you want to know what is going on, ask those who are under you.
If you want to be busy, say that you have nothing to do.
You will always be caught, usually the first time you do something others have been getting away with.
No matter in which domain you are working, it's intersection with the field of your interest is always a NULL set.
Office laws - The printer is either out of toner or there is no paper only when the client asks for 10 copies of a 120 page report by evening.
The CD drive will not be even detected only when you want to cull out information from some CD. Just the day before that, you would have been playing music and it would have worked fine. If the Drive is working the CD would be corrupt/Scratched.
The network would snap just when you were explaining an important point over a NetMeeting conference call.
The telephones won't work when you need to call long distance urgently.
Either that or somebody would be talking to his girlfriend on the only long distance line.
All mails except the most important one, which was sent way before, will find their way into your inbox.
The client will call only when you had left for a coffee break. And when you call back, he/she won't be available in office.
When its a busy day for you, all your colleagues would be chatting just outside your cabin.
When you don't have much work... all your colleagues will be busy.
Your Security will insist on you leaving by 7:00 on the very day when you have to stay till 10:00 to meet an important deadline.
The display settings on your computer will play havoc only when you have to finish a presentation by afternoon.
Of all the vehicles in the parking, yours would be most difficult to take out when it is an emergency.
Only when you want to piss urgently would all the urinals be taken.
The office assistant would be on leave only on the day you need him most.
The client would not have gone through the report/brief before attending your well rehearsed presentation.
The better your presentation, least the impact.
When the telephone operator leaves the board on night mode all the calls would land only on your desk.
When you are attending a client call on a colleagues desk, and need to jot down urgently, none of the pens on his desk would write if not you wouldn't find a piece of paper within your reach.
You'd find the important Phone number/e-mail ID you had been looking for, only after you had got in touch with that person by some other means.
When you are out of office, the most important of phone calls would be attended by the least concerned of your colleagues who wouldn't even care to ask who it was.. or wouldn't remember.
Only on the rarest of the days you come late, you'd bump into your boss smoking at the entrance.
The floppy which worked perfectly alright few minutes ago on your machine will not open in your boss's or client's machine.
The coffee machine will be empty, when you need coffee most.
After a really hard day of work, when starting your car at 11:00 pm in the night to leave office, you'll realize that you've run out of gas.
Corollary: It's only after you run out of gas, you'll remember that the nearest gas station is at least 5 miles away.
The stapler will be out of pins when needed.
The frequency of mailing performed by a person varies in inverse proportion to the amount of work at hand
The authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of functions in his pocket calculator.
Assaf's Laws of Paperwork - When there are two possible forms to fill out on any given matter, the wrong form is always filled out at first
The wrong form is not discovered until it has been signed by all parties concerned, sealed, and delivered.
Assaf's Corollary - Once the right form has been filled out, signed by all parties concerned, sealed, and delivered, it turns out it was filled out wrong.
Paper is always strongest at the perforations
The 90-90 Rule of Project Management: The first 90% of a project requires 90% of the allotted time. The remaining 10% takes another 90% of the allotted time.
Copiers laws - The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.
Sports laws - If you'll watch your team during a crucial game they will lose.
Murphy's Laws of Repairmen - The rate of instrument failure/breakdown is inversely proportional to the ease of finding a repairman.
Murphy's Law of the Hammer - Any instrument can be used as a hammer, the more delicate or expensive the instrument, the better hammer it becomes.
Mechanics Laws - If it doesn't fit, force it... If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway
If you drop a tool or small part while working on a car, it will roll to the exact center underneath the vehicle
If you have enough grease & a big enough hammer, you can put anything... anywhere.
Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
Corollary: It will not roll if it falls on shag carpeting and is small enough to hide.
If you drop a tool or a part it will roll to the exact center underneath your car thus extending your repair enjoyment.
TV Laws - the television show that you watched once and loved will be discontinued
If you watch a TV show only twice during the season, the second time will be a repeat of the first
If your VCR is set to tape your favorite program every day, and you find that at certain times it is taping nothing but reruns that you've already seen, the VCR tape will run out in the middle of the only program that you haven't already seen.
When you want to watch your favorite program, there is a black out
When you want to record your favorite program so you can watch it over and over again, you were recording the wrong channel
Gravity Laws - You can't reach the tool dropped while working on a car engine, and it will be a non-magnetic alloy.
The lighter the rug the more apt a dropped peanut butter & jelly sandwich will land face down.
When working up high the tool you drop will always land to do the most damage to the tool and the object it hits.
If you drop an unbreakable object, it will always land on something more valuable.
Travel Laws - The distance to your departure gate is directly proportional to the weight of your carry on luggage and inversely proportional to the time remaining before your flight.
The number of the departure gate is inversely proportional to the time available to get there.
I hope to open one day a page for Murphy's Laws of Airline Travel, since I think Murphy fly a lot.
Travel is a delight if you have a place to leave and return to
As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline re-encounters turbulence.
When looking for a street, it will be the only one you drove past before you saw the street sign.
the first escalator you find is always going the wrong way.
If you're already having a bad day, the shortest, most seemingly innocent trip will occur during the hottest, dustiest hour, along the most crowded, traffic-jammed street, with a broken traffic light, an accident blocking the way, wailing children in the back seat, and your car almost out of gas
Magellan's Allegory - If someone giving you directions says at any time, "You can't miss it," be assured than you will
Scouting Laws - Rain always happens when on a hike.
The shortest way from point A to B is by GPS
When counting the children in a group.. there's always one missing.
Two rules matter for a scout: Scout leaders are always right. If they are not then rule number 1 is activated.
Alarm clock laws. - Whenever you have something important to do the next morning, the alarm will never go off
Radio clocks never go off.
The least irritating alarm is the most inefficient.
The snooze bar is the greatest invention by man.
Alarm clocks can make the most passive of us fall into a violent rage.
Smashing it to pieces is a healthy and cheap way to relieve tension, ( see #5).
Murphy's Microbiology Laws - A contaminant will always be isolated.
The required culture will never give isolated colonies.
If the preservation vial is not lost, the culture is not viable.
If the culture is viable, it has mutated.
Murphy's horse laws - If you do a thorough check of your trailer before hauling, your truck will break down
There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat
No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off
The least useful horse in your barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month
A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching
If you're wondering if you left the water on in the barn, you did
If you're wondering if you latched the pasture gate, you didn't
Hoof picks migrate
Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts - Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts
The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him
The referee will always be looking the other way when you score
You will have trouble with the ties on your gi pants when members of the opposite sex are in class
The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick
The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques
If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer
After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat
After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam
In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours
No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn
Murphy's Laws of Music
Trotter's Law of Percussion Music - Percussionists will consistently lose their music as a concert approaches
Corollary: All parts will be lost at least once, and percussionists will not admit to losing any music until they are caught faking the parts.
The Uncertainty Principle - The location of all auxiliary percussion instruments cannot be known simultaneously
Corollary: If a lost percussion item is found, another will disappear.
Percussion Will Travel Principle - On every band trip one important piece of percussion equipment will be left at the school
Percussion Won't Travel Principle - On every band trip one important piece of percussion equipment will be left at the performance site
Diminishing Quality Rule to the Percussion Won't Travel Principle
At any festival one piece of percussion equipment will be switched with that of another school
Corollary: The one you take back will be of lower quality
Law of Lost Drumsticks - Percussionists will lose sticks
Corollaries: Percussionists always claim the sticks were stolen
The lost sticks will be found the day after new ones are bought
Stidman's Law of Doors - The largest of the timpani is always four inches wider than the door to the auditorium
Murphy's Law on Instruments - An instrument always breaks at the worst possible time
Corollary :The instrument will belong to a first chair player
Baldwin's Law - Instruments are easier to break than to fix
Wyszkowski's Law - Anything will work if you fiddle with it long enough
Principles of Instrument Repair - The screwdriver of the correct size will be missing when it is needed to tighten a woodwind key
When replacing a woodwind pad, all available pads will be the wrong size
When a pad is accidentally dropped it will roll to the least accessible part of the bandroom
Law of Diminishing Repairs - After restoring one key on a woodwind instrument, three others will malfunction
Mouthpiece Inertia Principle - Brass mouthpieces are easier to jam than to dislodge
Halbrook's Axiom - A stuck key will work perfectly when the repairman tries it
Law of Selective Operation - Brass valves will stick on contest days
Corollaries: They will not stick when the conductor tries them
They will stick again when the student resumes playing
Richard's Complimentary Rule of Ownership:
If you keep anything long enough you can throw it away
If you throw anything away, you will need it the next day
Communication Principle - When a conductor gives students letters for parents, 15% will be left on music stands, 25% will be inside the music, 15% will rot in instrument cases, 15% will be left in lockers, 15% will crawl under the student's bed, and 15% of the parents will receive the letter.
Tillis' Organisational Principle: If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is
Left-Right Principle - At least one person is out of step in any one march
Corollary: It is usually the same person
Reeley's Principle - Any piece you select as a closing number will have a final note one step higher than the first trumpet can play
Small Band Dilemma - The drum major is always the best trumpet player
Bogan's Law of Bus Trips - Bus breakdowns always occur on the longest trips
RT + 1 Principle
The scheduled return time of any trip will be one hour earlier than the actual return
Corollary: This happens even when you pad the return time with an extra hour
RT + 3 Principle
You will have to wait at least another two hours for the last parent to pick up a child
Blind Leading the Blind Principle - Band members playing correctly will always follow the players who are playing incorrectly
Murphy's Law of Small Band Sight-Reading - Invariably, the melody will be in an instrument you do not have
Corollaries: Cues will not be provided. If they are provided, they will be in the parts of your weakest section
Bidewell's Score Maxim - You will have to conduct from a condensed score
Murphy's Music Stand Principle - The music stand you get will wobble
Reely's Adaptation of Rap's Law of Inanimate Reproduction - If you take a music stand down and put it up enough times, eventually you will have two of them
Two Principles of Diminishing Concentration - Secretaries always interrupt rehearsal when concentration levels are at their peak
Players late for rehearsal are always those who sit in the centre of the band
Horn's Law of Teachers' Meetings - After-school meetings always occur on the day of an important after-school rehearsal
Missing Mute Principle - At least one mute will vanish from the brass section at any rehearsal
Extended Rest Theorem - The longer the rests, the less likely a section will enter after them
Contest Pronunciation Principle - If a name can be mispronounced as the programme is being introduced, it will
Two Recruiting Ratio Principles - For every student wanting to play clarinet, there will be six who want to play alto sax
For every student wanting to play alto sax, there will be seven who want to play snare drum
The "There's Another Hole in the Dam" Principle
Fix one spot in the music and another spot falls apart
Alternate Amnesia Axiom - Any alternate fingerings taught will be promptly forgotten
Lost and Found Principle of Music Folders - At least one music folder will be left on a music stand after each rehearsal
Corollaries- It will usually be the same player
If it is not the same player, there will be no name in the folder
Say It Again Sam Law - Even if everything is explained perfectly, there will still be a question
Corollary: You will have just answered the question one minute before it was asked
Beginning Players Concert Law - There will be one video camera for every three beginning musicians
Premature Deafness Ratio - A conductor's hearing loss is directly proportional to how many percussionists are started each year.
McMurray's Programme Principle - At least one name will be left off the concert programme
Corollary: It will be the child of the head teacher
McMurray's Second Programme Rule - If there are two ways to spell a name, the wrong one will be selected
Murphy's Law of Clapping - If the audience can clap at the wrong time, they will
Two Principles of Cymbal Cuing - Cue the cymbal player or he will not enter
Cue the cymbal player and he still will not enter
Law of Selective Acoustics - The percussion section always sounds loudest where the judges are sitting. It cannot be heard from the podium
Hatch's Law of Clarinet Squeaks - Clarinet squeaks always occur in the most exposed sections of the music
Fillmore's March Law - If a march can be rushed, it will
Corollary: A march rushes in proportion to a band's inability to play it quickly
The Play It Again Sam Axiom - At concert festivals, three other bands will play your toughest piece
Corollary: All three perform before you do, and play it better
Surprise Symphony Principle - At least one section of the music which sounded perfect in rehearsal will go haywire
The Punctuality Paradox - Give a strongly-worded lecture about punctuality and you will be late to the next performance
Bidewell's Transition Principle - You are never as good as the previous conductor
Anderson's Solution - When in doubt, blame problems on the previous conductor
The Lowest Common Denominator Principle
After a concert, parents rave about the pop selection played and say nothing about the test piece
The Least Credible Sentence in Conducting - One more time
Emily's law on mobile phones - At least one mobile phone will ring during a rehearsal or concert
The conductor had explicitly given a speech about turning them off the day before
Emily's law on "gran pausa": - If there is a "gran pausa" in the piece, at least one musician will keep playing. He will play fortissimo. He will play out of tune
Emily's law on difficult passages - The chances of a conductor asking a section to play a passage by themselves in the rehearsal, is directly proportional to the difficulty of the passage and how well the people can play it.
Emily's law on pencils String players will not have a pencil the day the conductor gives new bowings or fingerings
Emily's law on practicing - The difficult passage practiced for hours, will not be played correctly once the student plays it for the teacher
the more a student practices, the less likely he will play correctly during the lesson
Emily's law on repertoire - The more the student hates a specific piece, the more likely he will have to play it
Murphy's Horse Laws - Tack you hate never wears out
Blankets you hate cannot be destroyed
Horses you hate cannot be sold and will outlive you
Clipper blades will become dull only when the horse is half finished
Clipper motors will quit only when you have the horse's head left to trim
If you approach within 50 feet of the barn in your "street clothes", you will get dirty
You can't push a horse on a lunge line
If a horse is advertised "under $5,000" you can bet he isn't $2,500
The number of horses you own increases according to the number of stalls in your barn
An uncomplicated horse can be ruined with enough schooling
You can't run a barn without baling twine
Wind velocity increases in direct proportion to how well your hat fits
There is no such thing as the "right feed"
If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury
If you're winning, quit.
All of the horse laws above were sent by Les
Murphy's Jagged Alliance 2 Laws
You never run out of medical kits.
Corollary: Unless your mercs get hurt.
Remember - the entire country is hostile. Trees will bend to swallow your bullets, while enemies can shoot through entire forests.
Corollary: If the game wants you to get hit, there's no cover.
If you forgot to repair your equipment after each battle, your rifle will jam when you spend your merc's last action points to kill a wounded enemy, who will in turn reattribute by firing a LAW at your position.
Corollary 1: If you repair after each fight, you'll run out of toolkits in the middle of nowhere.
Corollary 2: You neglected to think about carrying sidearm.
Corollary 3: If the merc happens to carry a .38 by accident, you'll discover that your enemy is wearing treated Spectra armor.
When you think you've got a foothold in Arulco, one town's mine runs dry, the other gets run over by the bugs, and a third one is recaptured by the army.
Corollary: This will happen when the contracts of your top mercs are due for renewal and you just spent your savings on getting a shipment from Bobby Ray's.
Just after you made a Quick save, you'll realize that your mercs are surrounded by enemies wielding Rocket Rifles.
Corollary: Your last real safe is from Drassen on Day 3.
After you blow your money on a few two week contracts for expensive mercs, they'll arrive, bitch about not liking the guys in your old squad, then leave.
Corollary: Neither AIM nor MERC have a refund policy.
If an enemy is really dug in, you'll have forgotten to bring a mortar.
Corollary: If you're actually in range for throwing a grenade at him and attempt it, it will bounce off the one lone tree nearby and sail right back at you.
Never count on even mortally wounded enemies missing you.
Corollary 1: All those Marksmanship penalties relating to energy loss, open wounds and guns in bad condition only apply to your mercs.
Corollary 2: No enemy ever has a jammed gun.
You never notice that none of your mercs has a good score in Leadership until you try to recruit someone.
After spending five minutes hunting down the last enemy, he'll flee the sector.
There is no such thing as a guaranteed hit.
Corollary: Unless your mercs are the target.
If you lose a merc through death or end of contract, you'll be in the middle of nowhere and be forced to leave behind his/her heavy gear: This is most commonly your heavy weapons expert who carried a few LAWs and your mortar.
Corollary: The next sector will contain tanks.
As soon as the enemy puts just one more square of distance between you and him, your previous hyperfrag sniper rifle with laser sight, telescopic sight, bipod and extended barrel will spray bullets all around him.
Corollary: This will invite his friends who will geek you by the dozens.
Regeneration Boosters, Explosives and enough ammo. Pick two.
No matter how good your lock picking expert gets, the locks get better.
There are only very few people with less of a grasp on tactics than your enemies. Your militiamen are some of them.
The smart JA2 player always has a spare keyboard around; if the Alt and L keys on yours still work, you're a newbie.
Murphy's Laws for role-playing by Internet Message Board
Nobody knows whose fault it is that the story isn't moving, but everyone has a different theory.
The Game Master is never on ICQ.
Neither are any of the other players.
The impossibility of slapping someone silly over the net is not recognized as potential weak point that requires careful consideration, but abused as if there was no tomorrow.
Corollary 1: After you spent a few hours trying to modify the text so that you get a coherent string of events from the garbled message of a player, he'll announce that you suck and quit the game.
Corollary 2: Just when you've written a convincing message detailing how the now inactive character is disposed of, the player will come back and bitch at you for forcing him out.
Murphy's Law of Unformatted Character Sheets
Organized. Complete. Readable. Pick two.
Murphy's Death Spiral: The longer your campaign goes on, the more ridiculously powerful you'll have to make the villains to present a challenge to your demi-god characters.
Corollary: The player of the most powerful character will complain about lacking realism.
Nobody is lazy; they're busy perfecting their posts they will make really soon, which will be totally awesome.
Corollary: You'll have to write it yourself.
You'll either be overrun by newbie's who have totally cool original new characters (all expressions after 'have' being debatable) who'll quit two days after their introduction to the story, or left totally deserted without players.
The amount of work that went into planning your new campaign is inversely proportional to how many people will want to play it.
The Murphy's Laws for role-playing by Internet Message Board were sent by Robert Mueller
Murphy's Laws of Transformers
Never deceive yourself thinking you're the toughest Transformer; if Hasbro doesn't want to sell your toy, they'll find a way to kill you off.
Corollary: If enough people complain, they'll bring you back and piss off the continuity-worshipping fan-boys.
Murphy's Law of Acceptable Disguise
All good altmodes are taken.
Just because you have a ten in one of your stats doesn't mean some leader toy can't pulverize you with it's 10+ stat.
Cybertronian Marksmanship is an oxymoron.
Murphy's Cybertron Blues T-Shirt Analogy:
My family was killed in the Great War that has lasted for millions of years, my city got burned down, Decepticons ripped me to pieces, Unicron attempted to eat my home world, and all I got was this stinking Autobot sigil burned onto my chest.
Shoot them all, let Primus sort them out.
If you have an aerial altmode and take to the sky, someone will hit you with an EMP blast.
When you think you've cornered someone, they'll call in their friends and combine into a huge lumbering giant who will promptly crush you.
If your leader carries a big cannon on his right arm, respectfully request a transfer.
Even if you wield the Matrix, end the war and save the universe a few times, there'll still be a writer out there who will see to it that you'll be remembered for that one horrible story you were in.
The typical job interview will begin with "So, what cultural stereotype do you represent ?"
Corollary: There are no original characters, just stereotypes that haven't become prominent yet.
The more powerful your altmode, the longer and easier to interrupt your transformation will be.
Corollary: Your inner workings are not stressed to withstand hits by directed energy weaponry.
Nobody ever really dies; everyone comes back to bug you and make you waste your ammunition on them.
Corollary: You're the exception, since you're unpopular and will be phased out of the series.
Murphy's Nitpicking Note:
Every character has an aspect that can and will be insulted and ridiculed at length.
Game Mastering Laws
When you finally find the perfect game, no one is available.
Players will always find the hidden flaw in your master plan.
Corollary: If there is no hidden flaw, it's against the rules.
Corollary: If it isn't against the rules, one player will convince the others it is.
The percent of time spent bickering over what to do next is inversely proportional to the importance of the subject being fought over.
The chance of a plan being set aside by player choice is directly proportional to the amount of time spent working on it.
If it is absolutely vital that the players notice something, they will not.
Corollary: If they make a check to see it, they will fail.
If it is absolutely important that players do not use meta-game knowledge, they will.
The one time you bend the rules for someone is the one time everyone notices it.
The amount of missed attack rolls is inversely proportional to the importance of the battle.
Any and all jokes will be misunderstood as insults, clues, or just plain missed.
Corollary: Any and all clues will be misunderstood as insults, jokes, or just plain missed.
Luck in dice rolls varies inversely with role-playing ability.
Adam's Law - When the players are up against the main enemy, they will instantaneously kill him with one lucky shot.
Corollary: If they do not kill him within the first 3 rounds, they will all die.
Elevator laws - The last man entering an elevator going up goes to the lowest floor.
Conversely, if you are in an elevator that is descending, The latest person to enter will punch the highest floor.
The first person needing to exit the elevator will always be the person farthest to the rear of the elevator
The chances the elevator isn't work is inversely proportional to the weight you are carrying multiplied by the number of stairs you'll have to climb.
Miscellaneous laws
A man who walks through the turnstiles backwards going to Bangkok.
Never look up when dragon flies overhead.
Everybody wants to use the bathroom on the same time.
the squeakiness of floorboards is directly proportional to the need to remain unnoticed
You might forget your past, but your past will never forget you.
Give a controversial, immoral issue, enough leeway in mainstream society, it will become the norm
All generalizations are false, including this one
you need something the most, only after you realize you've permanently lost it.
Spending enough time and money, all human behavior can be psychologically explained.
Even the most repulsive.
Everything gets worse with time except the wine. And this one, no always
The early bird suffers from insomnia.
History is much like an endless waltz. the three beats of war, peace, and revolution continue on forever.
Every thing that is countable is to little.
Corollary: every thing that is measurable is too small.
Generalization: If you can quantize it, it is too small.
Your nose always itches when your hands are tied.
When you believe you have seen the utmost of one's stupidity they never cease to amaze you and go one step further.
Life stinks... then you have a heart attack, get paraplegic... and find yourself forced to say that it wasn't that bad after all...
JKash's law: When you need gum for your breath in the morning and you can't find any.
The person you'll ask won't have any either.
If they will have gum it will be in a flavor that you really don't like.
You cannot stop the ongoing love affair between pasta sauce and a white dress shirt.
Your parents' advice only makes sense 20 years after they gave it to you.
Your cell phone always fall on the hardest part of the ground.
Friends come and go. Enemies gather.
Kent's Law: A web page is only a page until its printed. Then it can be any number of pages.
What is (written) history? The last kick of the victor in the pants of the defeated.
If you have a 50% chance of being right, you're wrong 90% of the time.
Anything By Nothing Equals Everything (Any number divided by zero equals infinite)
Whenever you don't want to do something, is exactly when it needs to be done.
The weakest link is the most stable one.
The surest way to be late is to have plenty of time.
After trying to get something apart (or together) for 90 minutes, you find a clip that gets the job done in 30 seconds (tried and tested many times).
Clothes that are labeled (non-run) aren't.
The height of foolishness is to believe red or black die doesn't run
The more certain you are that your thought is original, the more obscure the source from which you accidentally plagiarized it.
Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap that mother@#?!&* upside the head
Philosophy of life and/or golf --- The professor of philosophy opens his lecture filling a big jar with golf balls. Is the jar full? - surprises the audience. Yes - comes the reply. He fills the empty space with stones - including diamonds - of the size of peas and asks again: Is the jar full? The students agree again. The professor pours sand on top of the existing mixture filling the jar completely. Is it full? Yes, OK! - reply some of the students with doubt in their voice. Fine, what all this means? - turns the professor to his listeners again. Silence. You should understand that this is a model of philosophy of life: The golf balls represent important phenomena of life, like family, love, health, job, children, golf. If you lose everything else, these are the things you grasp to. The stones represent phenomena that still count, like accommodation, car, wealth. Sand is the rest, unimportant, small matters. If you start filling your life with sand, you lose the opportunity to deal with important phenomena. First concentrate on golf balls and stones. The rest is just sand. One of the students jumps to his feet, opens a bottle of beer, pours the beer on top of everything that the jar contains. The beer is completely swallowed by sand. What do you want to say? - asks him the professor with a stare of astonishment. My lesson is simple: whatever way you handle your life, not depending, how much is it filled, there is always space for a mug of beer.
Nothing succeeds like success
Behind every successful man is a woman; the further behind the woman the better the chances of his success.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away two weeks before you need it.
The Inverse law of Ninja
In a movie a single Ninja is an unstoppable semi-immortal and mysterious killing machine. As their number increases the ninja progressively becomes more of a bumbling fumbling idiot. Also applies to thugs, mobsters, gangs and superheroes.
The item you need the most will always be at the bottom of the pack.
Whenever you get a great, original idea, it's when you forget the idea.
Any good idea you ever had will just be accredited to someone else once you tell someone about it.
If you hold a hammer in your hand, everything around you will look like a nail.
If you try to be better than worse, you'll be better at being worse.
Nothing is definite.
The grass is always greener on the other side.
Corollary: This law still applies when you move next door.
Why violence when there is vengeance.
In stores, the other line always moves faster.
Clicking your heels three times means you've fallen and can't get up.
Binil's law of greed: Enough is never enough enough.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% fatality rate.
Things can't get worse if you were born an Amazon pygmy cannibal.
Moral beliefs tend to be like laws in crowded places.
If there's a flat surface, someone will put something on it.
Don't play leapfrog with a unicorn.
A non-smoker among smokers will always be upwind.
A Camel is a Horse made by a committee.
A committee is the only life form with 12 stomachs and no brains.
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights
A person's happiness is inversely related to how many timepieces s/he owns
If you have a clear mind, you don't get to think
To be a successful person, you need to succeed
A person who writes a law has never experienced it before
In view of the current work-load, the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off
In general it is better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you're a fool, than to open it and remove all doubt. (Lord Palmerston)
A heavy frozen roast, stored on a freezer shelf, 5 feet from the ground, will fall on the most vulnerable toe available.
Following that, it will try to bounce to the other foot, with a 50% chance of success.
The Voice of Experience never speaks up until it's too late.
If you are not thoroughly confused, you have not been thoroughly informed.
When sitting in the audience watching a sport event among 60.000 other spectators, the only time you pick your nose, you are on national TV.
If you fiddle with something long enough you'll eventually break it.
Sticks and stones will break your bones but words will get you killed.
Man is the only animal able to retrace his steps to make the mistakes previously avoided
The greater the number of people involved in a social function, the less intelligent each of the participants becomes
A plea for justice is often a claim for injustice in one's own favor
When dinner is on time, your spouse is late. When dinner is late, your spouse is on time.
As soon as you light up the commercial starts
Sailor's Law: Never sail the boat where the birds are walking
Murphy's Fundamental Principle
If there are M ways to do a thing, and out of M, N ways lead to the wrong conclusion, then the probability of doing it in one of those N ways is 1
Alternately, Everything that you do is wrong
The more you say you'll win, the more difficult it is to come true.
Even the darkest hour has only 60 minutes
The exception rule -- Every rule has an exception, including this rule.
sometimes in order to clean up, it is necessary to make a mess
Whenever a phone rings, it rings at least in pairs
If 50 people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing
Chris corollary -- If 1000 people say a foolish thing, they're most likely receiving an endorsement fee
Never teach a pig to sing. It waste your time and annoys the Pig.
a winner should quit, a quitter is sure to win
Skepticism is to pessimism as doubt is to proof
Skeptics are blessed with ignorance, while pessimists are cursed with knowledge
Having is not always as pleasing a thing as wanting. It is not logical but I have observed it to be true.
When you remember the trash needs taking out the garbage truck is 2 doors down
Sooner or later you will spill your beer
Never open a pill bottle over the bathroom sink
The most precise measuring instrument known to man for finding the exact center underneath a parked vehicle is a ball being used in a very enjoyable lawn game, this will not work if other balls are available.
Anything that can go wrong will, one hour before you are supposed to leave on vacation.
Anything that can go wrong will, one hour before the three day weekend starts.
Anything that can go wrong will, one hour before closing on Friday.
No system is so perfect it can't be made to work
During the course of any endeavor you will always see the winning move right after you've executed the losing one
The less you have to paint, the more paint you get on yourself
When you're riding a bike - it will rain
Lube something good and it only gets better, lube something bad and it only gets worse
To check the spelling of a word in the dictionary, you have to know how it's written
Pens sent through the dryer intentionally never break, but those sent by accident always attack white clothes
Nobody is incompetent. Incompetence is nothing but competence in incompetency
Coincedence doesn not exist, everything happens for a random reason
Dato's Law - Wishes expand in direct proportion to the resources available for the gratification.
Anything that can be misused will be misused (legal loopholes, marketing information, etc.)
Law of Complexity: Everything is more complicated than it looks at first
Corollary to the Law of Complexity: The Law of Complexity is recursive
The time you have to wait before going to bed increases proportionally to how tired you are
Assaf's Law of Advice: The only people less likely to follow your advice than those who receive it unsolicited are those who ask for it.
If your happy, don’t worry you’ll get over it
If you have no problems, then you have no clue to what is going
When you know that you are in luck - Murphy's law will apply to you; If you know that Murphy will strike you at any time - he won't; but than you will know he won't so he will.
Murphy's Law is unconstitutional, but will never be repealed.
It is a fact that every thing in universe moves counterclockwise.
Opitz' law: Good luck is inversely proportional to good timing.
The first thing you'll have to do, is the last thing you wished.
The first thing to break down is the irreparable one.
Keys dropped near an open elevator door will always fall down the crack.
And will cost you more to get them out than it will to get a second set cut.
Sent by Graham (an elevator technician - so he knows...).
The more skilled you are at something, the worse you are at it when showing someone.
If someone ever said that something wouldn't go wrong in a billion years, they said it a billion years ago.
The one you buy will be the only one that doesn't work.
When playing board-games which involve quizzes etc, you will always know the answers to everyone else's set of questions but never your own.
The future is like now, only longer.
Zuhnic Laws of Plagiarism: If you put a law into your own words, you can name it after yourself (take many laws from this site into account, though not this one... ahem...).
If you notice that one of the laws you read came from a different source, it was either completely innocent or completely malevolent.
If your plane is about to crash, the parachute are missing
Aquarium Laws: Every aquarium will eventually leak.
Every fish will eventually die.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
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