Posts
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Murphy's love laws
If the person isn't taken, there's a reason.
The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant. This constant is always zero.
The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it.
Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
Nice guys (girls) finish last.
The good ones die first.
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
Nothing improves with age.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
Sex has no calories.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Virginity can be cured.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
It is always the wrong time of month.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
Love is a hole in the heart.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Do it only with the best.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Anonymous comment: The person who said that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...NEVER loved and lost!
Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Never say no.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
Love comes in spurts.
The world does not revolve on an axis.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
"This won't hurt, I promise."
An ex-wife/husband will always be "till death do us part".
When a man wants his wife to hear, she doesn't listen. When that same man doesn't want his wife to hear, she's all ears.
It's always easier to get a partner if you already have one.
Although it may seem like that on the outside, no one is having fun being single
If you're heart is broken, sweep up the pieces. There will always be someone who will want to put it back together.
Love and high-school must NEVER go together.
If a man speaks deep in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him; is he still wrong?
Show me a husband who won't, I'll show you a neighbor who will
It doesn't matter HOW good it was, if you end up worrying or regretting it, it was bad sex
You get the best sex from the worst one for you
Never trust a woman who acts like you are so sexy she can't help herself but drag you to bed
No one is as fascinating as they think
If you believe a relationship can't work, but feel the need to try, it won't. Corollary: You will later find out that your lack of belief caused it to fail.
The duration of a relationship to a person is inversely proportionate to the importance of person to you.
The key to a woman's heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time.
The two things no man can ever understand; Women and what makes all men complete damm fools over women.
Love makes believers of us all. Translation: Love obscures common sense.
Being taken attracts women. Being single makes them avoid you like the plague.
If you go behind a girl you are heading to trouble.
In the eternal battle of the sexes, women are already the winners.
When with your girlfriend you will always have gas.
Celibacy is not heredity.
The hornier someone is, the less likely that it will be they have sex. Corollary Horniness is inversely related to one's chance of scoring
The man shalt not win the argument he started. The man shalt not win the argument he didn't start. If a man won an argument, it was just in his head.
(for the ladies) Try and try as you might, there will still be times where men are just assholes. We can't help it and we're sorry
A love will tell you they love you endlessly. A true love will tell everyone else they love you endlessly despite the embarrassment factor
When all else fails, have hopeE
Eichel's Rule - During sex, try to sweat
In Romance and in Finance, we play with Figures.
A cauliflower resembles a rose, if your eyesight is not 6/6
Before falling in love do take your backup, it always helps in recovery.
If a man has it he won't want it, the guy who buys it won't use it, the guy who uses it could give a shit about it, so don't give a shit and you will have it all.
Love has all the answers. But till then sex brings up some good questions.
Sex on the TV can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Anticipation is 98% of the pleasure
The amount of members of the opposite sex you pursue is inversely proportional to pretty much everything about you, such as intelligence.
If you are interested in someone, a close friend will grab their attention. This is especially likely if they:
A.) Don't want the attention of said person and/or
B.) Are already dating someone else
The ABC rule: If A is attracted to B, and you are attracted to C, A has a better chance with B than you do with C. B and C are often the same person.
The uglier the girl the closer she lives.
If any things will happen on the first date, you won't have a condom.
The size of the pencil is not as important as the quality of the writing. Corollaries: The quality of the writing is affected by the quality of the paper. Regardless of how well one writes, it is difficult to write at all unless there is lead in the pencil.
Marriage is the greatest leveler.
Girls are like toilet rooms. Either it is taken, or full of sh*t.
If you're having difficulties choosing between potential two girls, you'll always pick the wrong one.
If it seems perfect today, tomorrow it will end.
If a girl tell you "let's stay friends", she won't call ever again. If you call, she won't answer.
You'll always catch fever before the first date.
Never make love in your back garden. Love is blind, but not your neighbors. Or in another version:
Don't make love by the garden gate, love is blind but the neighbors ain't.
Love is blind. Marriage is an eye opener.
When it comes to love and lost, doing the right thing always hurts.
Being honest with someone will always turn that person into an enemy.
When your girlfriend says that you have to talk, the relationship is over.
The day you decide to tell you're girlfriend you could not live without her she will leave you the next day.
You're best friend stop being you're best friend the instant a beautiful woman walks in and you both are attracted to her.
The more you want a women the least she will want you.
When she says: "Don't buy me anything expensive" and you listen, expect to be single.
Even the most beautiful woman in the world has at least one guy who is tired of her.
If you marry a beautiful girl she'll turn into her mother. If you marry a plain girl she'll turn into her dad.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife. But they never said anything about their daughter.
The mother of the man, or the father of the woman you love will invariably hate you.
The best men (or women) are always taken--or crazy.
When you take your time getting ready your date will arrive 20 min. early; when you're on time they're 30 minutes late.
As soon as you break up the man (or woman) who couldn't commit TO YOU will get married.
A good women/men are like parking spots, all the good ones are taken.
Procrastination is a lot like masturbation, it feels good until you realize you’re just fucking yourself
Women are like boats: they require constant maintenance and attention, and they cost a lot of money.
Men are like buses: another one will eventually come along.
Never forget: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!
Kracke/Malenka Law: Good from far, far from good.
Walter/Kerwin Law: Any good looking person you see that isn't alone, will be accompanied by a person of the opposite sex who doesn't deserve to be with them.
The length of a relationship is directly related to how much you are attracted to your significant other best friend.
No woman\men is better than two
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question - YES is the answer.
Romance is when common sense flies out of the window.
Being told you’re the nicest guy they know is the kiss of death.
Everybody is most horny when alone.
Beauty is directly proportional to the number of drinks consumed. Corollary: Beauty is also directly related to the time remaining until last call.
The other side’s lawyers are always better then yours.
The partner you want don't want you. The ones that want you are not made for you.
Any "Why" question, has no answer, and if it does, that answer is not logical.
Love will cause people to do stupid things.
Loving someone too much may be cause for a restraining order.
If you love a person let them go. If they don't come back they weren't worth it.
Sex ends all interest.
Cute now equals annoying later.
Not everything takes longer than you expect.
It's only kinky the first time you do it.
Halmos law: To get your significant other you need: Time. Money and Energy. The sum of the three is constant. If you are short of one of them, you need quite a lot of the remaining two. If you are short of two of them, you need tremendous amount of the remaining one. If you are short of all the three, no hope. Otherwise the result is always success.
The love of your life will only want you back once you are in another serious relationship.
You don't pay for sex, you pay him/her to leave after you're done.
Beaches law: If you think a girl is beautiful, her boyfriend will always be there to confirm it.
Seduction law: Your seduction potential is inversely proportional to your willingness to seduce
The most intelligent statements will be thought of at the most inappropriate times. (i.e. during a make out session, strike up a law of Quantum physics, thus demonstrating that you are not interested in the other person).
You never truly know a significant other until you meet him/her in a court of law.
No matter how beautiful/wonderful s/he may seem to be, there's always someone out there that's sick and tired of his/her s**t too.
If (s)he wants to dump you, (s)he will find a reason.
or
If (s)he wants to dump you, (s)he will.
(wo)man = time + money
time = money
(wo)man = money2
Money = √evil (money is root of evil)
man = evil
Marriage is like a dog with a bone, he might not touch it, just doesn't let another dogs come near it.
Everything that glitters, is not WET.
When you finally bed the attractive blond/e, s/he'll nick your wallet and watch.
Unless you owe him/her fifty quid.
Marriage is the ending of a perfectly good sex life
Albert Einstein Gravity Law: Gravity cannot be held responsible for 2 people falling in love.
The difference between love and the common cold is that for the common cold there is a vaccine.
The Tommy Lee/Pamela Anderson law for celebrity couple Persona-polarization: The most beautiful women in the world, always marry the most ugly men.
The Carmen Electra/ Dennis Rodman corollary: The most beautiful men in the world ALSO marry the most ugly AND most crazy men in the world.
If you love her/him, s/he doesn't love you
If you are in love, he/she isn't
If you want love, you don't get it
If a beautiful wo/man loves you, it's fake
If you are happy together, wait till you are married
It's always the quiet ones that have the two dozen corpses in their basements.
Love can be your best friend and/or your worst enemy
Wedding cake cures nymphomania.
Everyone believes in love, but wonder if it exists
You may get off on a cheap hooker but you can't get off on a cheap lawyer
The one thing that will almost certainly come between two friends is a girl
The sexier a man is, the better the chances that he is gay
Being told that someone doesn't want to date you because you're such a good friend, is like being told that you didn't get the job because you're overqualified
When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow
the girl/boyfriend who says s/he is... isn't
You don't fall in love, you fall in a hole. The depth of the hole is proportionate to how oblivious you are of the fall.
The best way to get over a woman.....is to get over another
You always need a more patient partner no matter how patient s/he is
Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
Absence makes the heart go wander.
The person you want the most will end up with the person you hate the most.
If you get it, it will be taken away.
The perfection of a person is proportional to how much you love him/her.
The imperfection of a person is proportional to how much you hate him/her.
Rebillot's Law of Infertility: You never know that you're infertile until you try to fertilize.
In any married couple, both members think that they will be the first one to die, which means that at least 50% of the people will be wrong.
You'll think of a great line to say to someone the moment after your chance is gone.
Murphy's military police laws
Your brassard and your badge won't stop bullets.
If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
Don't look conspicuous - it antagonizes officers.
When in doubt, empty your shotgun.
Never share a patrol car with anyone braver than you.
Not wearing body armor attracts bullets and knives.
If your response goes well, you're at the wrong barracks.
Your Patrol Supervisor will show up when you're doing something really stupid.
The time it takes to respond to an emergency is inversely proportional to the importance of the call.
The warrant you don't read is the one you'll serve at the wrong quarters.
No matter how you write it, the Desk Sergeant will want it changed.
If you charge in all alone, you'll be shot by your own officers.
The diversion you're ignoring is the actual crime.
The important things are always simple.
The simple things are always hard.
The easy ways are always blocked.
The short cuts are always under construction by the post engineers.
Anything you do can get you in trouble - including doing nothing.
When you've secured a crime scene, don't forget to tell the brass.
Using the siren and light to clear traffic - attracts traffic.
It only becomes a riot right after you show up.
If you take out the newest patrol car, you'll have an accident.
No street-wise unit ever passed inspection.
No inspection-ready unit ever makes it on the streets.
The thing you really need, will be left back at the MP Station.
Radios will fail as soon as you need back-up desperately.
Flashlight batteries always die out, just when you really need light.
Military working dogs attack anything that moves - including you.
The helicopter will always be low on fuel, as soon as you need it.
You'll find the suspect you want, when you're off-duty and unarmed.
If you respond to more than your fair share of calls, you'll have more than your fair share of calls to respond to.
The suspect will escape, just before you set up a good perimeter.
The dependent who screams loudly when you don't show up quickly, also screams loudly when you do.
The weight of the dead body you'll have to carry is proportional to the amount of stairs you'll have to climb.
Fatalities always occur at the end of shift - or when it rains and snows.
Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
Contrary to popular belief - general officers don't get tickets.
You won't get called to a court martial - unless it's your day off.
Take off your hat and the MP Duty Officer shows up.
Empty guns - aren't.
Your two minute "back-up" is always actually ten minutes away.
The alley you sprint down, is the wrong alley.
Tasting suspected drugs works - but only on TV or in the movies.
Suspects always hide in the last place you look.
Better to be judged by twelve, than carried by six.
Professional criminals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
Admit nothing, deny everything, demand proof - then blame a Private.
Don't stand, if you can sit - don't sit, if you can lay down - if you can lay down, you might as well take a nap.
Contrary to popular belief, O.C. *IS* an area effect weapon.
Murphy's Miscellaneous Laws
Rental laws - Movies that are not available on video are the ones you want to see.
A library book will always be checked out when you want to get it.
Any movie at your local video store will always be rented out when you want to rent it yourself.
Political laws - No matter who gets elected, Government always gets in
Politics and religion don't mix well
What is neo-capitalism (the neo-capitalism of the ex-socialist countries)?
Blind alley, leading out of a dead-end street.
What is socialism? Victory of ideology over clear mind.
It's when you are finally on top when everyone finds out all the bad things that you did as a teen, thus ruining your position.
Every revolution has its wastage - sounds the wisdom of politicians.
The loss of the wealth of the nation and absolute poverty of 35% of the population isn't too much?
(This was the result of the silent revolution of the last decade in Hungary.)
We could do worse, we always have.
Printing Laws - Your print job is always behind the Largest Print job in the Queue.
If its about to print, The printer will get jammed.
When they fix the paper jam, it will be out of Paper.
When you get the paper, it will be out of toner.
Golf laws - Whenever you think your drive will go right it wouldn't
Whenever you think your aim is right is not
Whenever you think you might finish a 9 holes play with one ball it wouldn't
whenever you think you have a clear drive over water it will ditch
whenever you think you might par you boogie
whenever you think you hit the green you wouldn't
The more people looking at you driving on the driving range, the more slicing your driving will get.
Rain on a golf course is Gods way of telling you that you're playing too slow.
Only good golf shots are ever spoiled by the most unlikely of events.
Employees laws - When your workmates absolutely guarantee they'll take care of your duties while you're on vacation, they won't.
Corollary: the week you're gone, will be the "week from hell" you now have to catch up on.
The more work you are promised, the harder it is to find.
Some one always gets the good jobs first.
Your unemployment check always comes after you find work.
The ideal job for you was filled right before you found out about it.
In a job interview you need to be well spoken, clear, pleasantly dressed, confident and polite. Even if you are you wont get it.
The job you want is well paying, interesting, fun, rewarding, conveniently located, or attainable; pick one
Employers are either all the things you'd hate in a co-worker or start looking for another job.
There are demerit points for originality when one is caught.
If the boss doesn't understand your work they will either ignore it, pretend they did it, or Freak out.
The 10 minutes presentation or video stating everything on how the company caring about you as an employee and as an individual was originally a brilliant April fools joke until a vice president decided that some of the grunts are dumb enough to believe it.
The happiest person in the company cannot ever be trusted.
If your manager has nothing bad to tell you for too long you will soon need their reference.
Your current boss is the worst you've ever had until the next one.
Free thought is a capital crime.
The most enthusiastic worker doesn't get paid any better than anyone else.
You will never get fired at the beginning of the day. Your boss will think this is a good thing.
The more you hate a job and wish to leave the longer you end up staying put.
The person interviewing you had less than half or your qualifications when they got the job and will want twice what you have.
If you've always wanted to do __________ during an interview ____________ will get you arrested.
Losing a job is never as much fun or as dignified as you imagine it.
If you bring your voodoo doll/adult magazine or embarrassing cream to work your boss will find it.
If you get used to thinking "screw you" after every superior speaks to you you will blurt it out sooner or later. Unless you're a phone sex girl or a stripper people will mind.
Being yourself will have to wait until you get home or at least a bar.
The uniform you have to wear comes in two sizes small and pinches things.
The uniform you have to wear was designed by a color blind masochist who likes laughing at those who have to wear it.
The more you have to pay for the uniform the less likely you will be to ever wear any piece of it.
There will be one photocopier in the office everyone hits in order to make it work. This will be secretly known by most as the best office equipment in the building.
Your Boss will always call you, when you aren't at your desk.
If you come late to the office, the chances are, your boss is already in his room.
When most important task awaits you get most number of interruptions.
the last person to be fired or quit is responsible for all errors until the next person is fired or quits
It's not about the award it's about the achievement.
When you are convinced everything works just fine you are overlooking something
Equal Oppertunity programs aren't
If you want to know what is going on, ask those who are under you.
If you want to be busy, say that you have nothing to do.
You will always be caught, usually the first time you do something others have been getting away with.
No matter in which domain you are working, it's intersection with the field of your interest is always a NULL set.
Office laws - The printer is either out of toner or there is no paper only when the client asks for 10 copies of a 120 page report by evening.
The CD drive will not be even detected only when you want to cull out information from some CD. Just the day before that, you would have been playing music and it would have worked fine. If the Drive is working the CD would be corrupt/Scratched.
The network would snap just when you were explaining an important point over a NetMeeting conference call.
The telephones won't work when you need to call long distance urgently.
Either that or somebody would be talking to his girlfriend on the only long distance line.
All mails except the most important one, which was sent way before, will find their way into your inbox.
The client will call only when you had left for a coffee break. And when you call back, he/she won't be available in office.
When its a busy day for you, all your colleagues would be chatting just outside your cabin.
When you don't have much work... all your colleagues will be busy.
Your Security will insist on you leaving by 7:00 on the very day when you have to stay till 10:00 to meet an important deadline.
The display settings on your computer will play havoc only when you have to finish a presentation by afternoon.
Of all the vehicles in the parking, yours would be most difficult to take out when it is an emergency.
Only when you want to piss urgently would all the urinals be taken.
The office assistant would be on leave only on the day you need him most.
The client would not have gone through the report/brief before attending your well rehearsed presentation.
The better your presentation, least the impact.
When the telephone operator leaves the board on night mode all the calls would land only on your desk.
When you are attending a client call on a colleagues desk, and need to jot down urgently, none of the pens on his desk would write if not you wouldn't find a piece of paper within your reach.
You'd find the important Phone number/e-mail ID you had been looking for, only after you had got in touch with that person by some other means.
When you are out of office, the most important of phone calls would be attended by the least concerned of your colleagues who wouldn't even care to ask who it was.. or wouldn't remember.
Only on the rarest of the days you come late, you'd bump into your boss smoking at the entrance.
The floppy which worked perfectly alright few minutes ago on your machine will not open in your boss's or client's machine.
The coffee machine will be empty, when you need coffee most.
After a really hard day of work, when starting your car at 11:00 pm in the night to leave office, you'll realize that you've run out of gas.
Corollary: It's only after you run out of gas, you'll remember that the nearest gas station is at least 5 miles away.
The stapler will be out of pins when needed.
The frequency of mailing performed by a person varies in inverse proportion to the amount of work at hand
The authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of functions in his pocket calculator.
Assaf's Laws of Paperwork - When there are two possible forms to fill out on any given matter, the wrong form is always filled out at first
The wrong form is not discovered until it has been signed by all parties concerned, sealed, and delivered.
Assaf's Corollary - Once the right form has been filled out, signed by all parties concerned, sealed, and delivered, it turns out it was filled out wrong.
Paper is always strongest at the perforations
The 90-90 Rule of Project Management: The first 90% of a project requires 90% of the allotted time. The remaining 10% takes another 90% of the allotted time.
Copiers laws - The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.
Sports laws - If you'll watch your team during a crucial game they will lose.
Murphy's Laws of Repairmen - The rate of instrument failure/breakdown is inversely proportional to the ease of finding a repairman.
Murphy's Law of the Hammer - Any instrument can be used as a hammer, the more delicate or expensive the instrument, the better hammer it becomes.
Mechanics Laws - If it doesn't fit, force it... If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway
If you drop a tool or small part while working on a car, it will roll to the exact center underneath the vehicle
If you have enough grease & a big enough hammer, you can put anything... anywhere.
Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
Corollary: It will not roll if it falls on shag carpeting and is small enough to hide.
If you drop a tool or a part it will roll to the exact center underneath your car thus extending your repair enjoyment.
TV Laws - the television show that you watched once and loved will be discontinued
If you watch a TV show only twice during the season, the second time will be a repeat of the first
If your VCR is set to tape your favorite program every day, and you find that at certain times it is taping nothing but reruns that you've already seen, the VCR tape will run out in the middle of the only program that you haven't already seen.
When you want to watch your favorite program, there is a black out
When you want to record your favorite program so you can watch it over and over again, you were recording the wrong channel
Gravity Laws - You can't reach the tool dropped while working on a car engine, and it will be a non-magnetic alloy.
The lighter the rug the more apt a dropped peanut butter & jelly sandwich will land face down.
When working up high the tool you drop will always land to do the most damage to the tool and the object it hits.
If you drop an unbreakable object, it will always land on something more valuable.
Travel Laws - The distance to your departure gate is directly proportional to the weight of your carry on luggage and inversely proportional to the time remaining before your flight.
The number of the departure gate is inversely proportional to the time available to get there.
I hope to open one day a page for Murphy's Laws of Airline Travel, since I think Murphy fly a lot.
Travel is a delight if you have a place to leave and return to
As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline re-encounters turbulence.
When looking for a street, it will be the only one you drove past before you saw the street sign.
the first escalator you find is always going the wrong way.
If you're already having a bad day, the shortest, most seemingly innocent trip will occur during the hottest, dustiest hour, along the most crowded, traffic-jammed street, with a broken traffic light, an accident blocking the way, wailing children in the back seat, and your car almost out of gas
Magellan's Allegory - If someone giving you directions says at any time, "You can't miss it," be assured than you will
Scouting Laws - Rain always happens when on a hike.
The shortest way from point A to B is by GPS
When counting the children in a group.. there's always one missing.
Two rules matter for a scout: Scout leaders are always right. If they are not then rule number 1 is activated.
Alarm clock laws. - Whenever you have something important to do the next morning, the alarm will never go off
Radio clocks never go off.
The least irritating alarm is the most inefficient.
The snooze bar is the greatest invention by man.
Alarm clocks can make the most passive of us fall into a violent rage.
Smashing it to pieces is a healthy and cheap way to relieve tension, ( see #5).
Murphy's Microbiology Laws - A contaminant will always be isolated.
The required culture will never give isolated colonies.
If the preservation vial is not lost, the culture is not viable.
If the culture is viable, it has mutated.
Murphy's horse laws - If you do a thorough check of your trailer before hauling, your truck will break down
There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat
No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off
The least useful horse in your barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month
A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching
If you're wondering if you left the water on in the barn, you did
If you're wondering if you latched the pasture gate, you didn't
Hoof picks migrate
Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts - Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts
The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him
The referee will always be looking the other way when you score
You will have trouble with the ties on your gi pants when members of the opposite sex are in class
The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick
The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques
If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer
After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat
After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam
In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours
No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn
Murphy's Laws of Music
Trotter's Law of Percussion Music - Percussionists will consistently lose their music as a concert approaches
Corollary: All parts will be lost at least once, and percussionists will not admit to losing any music until they are caught faking the parts.
The Uncertainty Principle - The location of all auxiliary percussion instruments cannot be known simultaneously
Corollary: If a lost percussion item is found, another will disappear.
Percussion Will Travel Principle - On every band trip one important piece of percussion equipment will be left at the school
Percussion Won't Travel Principle - On every band trip one important piece of percussion equipment will be left at the performance site
Diminishing Quality Rule to the Percussion Won't Travel Principle
At any festival one piece of percussion equipment will be switched with that of another school
Corollary: The one you take back will be of lower quality
Law of Lost Drumsticks - Percussionists will lose sticks
Corollaries: Percussionists always claim the sticks were stolen
The lost sticks will be found the day after new ones are bought
Stidman's Law of Doors - The largest of the timpani is always four inches wider than the door to the auditorium
Murphy's Law on Instruments - An instrument always breaks at the worst possible time
Corollary :The instrument will belong to a first chair player
Baldwin's Law - Instruments are easier to break than to fix
Wyszkowski's Law - Anything will work if you fiddle with it long enough
Principles of Instrument Repair - The screwdriver of the correct size will be missing when it is needed to tighten a woodwind key
When replacing a woodwind pad, all available pads will be the wrong size
When a pad is accidentally dropped it will roll to the least accessible part of the bandroom
Law of Diminishing Repairs - After restoring one key on a woodwind instrument, three others will malfunction
Mouthpiece Inertia Principle - Brass mouthpieces are easier to jam than to dislodge
Halbrook's Axiom - A stuck key will work perfectly when the repairman tries it
Law of Selective Operation - Brass valves will stick on contest days
Corollaries: They will not stick when the conductor tries them
They will stick again when the student resumes playing
Richard's Complimentary Rule of Ownership:
If you keep anything long enough you can throw it away
If you throw anything away, you will need it the next day
Communication Principle - When a conductor gives students letters for parents, 15% will be left on music stands, 25% will be inside the music, 15% will rot in instrument cases, 15% will be left in lockers, 15% will crawl under the student's bed, and 15% of the parents will receive the letter.
Tillis' Organisational Principle: If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is
Left-Right Principle - At least one person is out of step in any one march
Corollary: It is usually the same person
Reeley's Principle - Any piece you select as a closing number will have a final note one step higher than the first trumpet can play
Small Band Dilemma - The drum major is always the best trumpet player
Bogan's Law of Bus Trips - Bus breakdowns always occur on the longest trips
RT + 1 Principle
The scheduled return time of any trip will be one hour earlier than the actual return
Corollary: This happens even when you pad the return time with an extra hour
RT + 3 Principle
You will have to wait at least another two hours for the last parent to pick up a child
Blind Leading the Blind Principle - Band members playing correctly will always follow the players who are playing incorrectly
Murphy's Law of Small Band Sight-Reading - Invariably, the melody will be in an instrument you do not have
Corollaries: Cues will not be provided. If they are provided, they will be in the parts of your weakest section
Bidewell's Score Maxim - You will have to conduct from a condensed score
Murphy's Music Stand Principle - The music stand you get will wobble
Reely's Adaptation of Rap's Law of Inanimate Reproduction - If you take a music stand down and put it up enough times, eventually you will have two of them
Two Principles of Diminishing Concentration - Secretaries always interrupt rehearsal when concentration levels are at their peak
Players late for rehearsal are always those who sit in the centre of the band
Horn's Law of Teachers' Meetings - After-school meetings always occur on the day of an important after-school rehearsal
Missing Mute Principle - At least one mute will vanish from the brass section at any rehearsal
Extended Rest Theorem - The longer the rests, the less likely a section will enter after them
Contest Pronunciation Principle - If a name can be mispronounced as the programme is being introduced, it will
Two Recruiting Ratio Principles - For every student wanting to play clarinet, there will be six who want to play alto sax
For every student wanting to play alto sax, there will be seven who want to play snare drum
The "There's Another Hole in the Dam" Principle
Fix one spot in the music and another spot falls apart
Alternate Amnesia Axiom - Any alternate fingerings taught will be promptly forgotten
Lost and Found Principle of Music Folders - At least one music folder will be left on a music stand after each rehearsal
Corollaries- It will usually be the same player
If it is not the same player, there will be no name in the folder
Say It Again Sam Law - Even if everything is explained perfectly, there will still be a question
Corollary: You will have just answered the question one minute before it was asked
Beginning Players Concert Law - There will be one video camera for every three beginning musicians
Premature Deafness Ratio - A conductor's hearing loss is directly proportional to how many percussionists are started each year.
McMurray's Programme Principle - At least one name will be left off the concert programme
Corollary: It will be the child of the head teacher
McMurray's Second Programme Rule - If there are two ways to spell a name, the wrong one will be selected
Murphy's Law of Clapping - If the audience can clap at the wrong time, they will
Two Principles of Cymbal Cuing - Cue the cymbal player or he will not enter
Cue the cymbal player and he still will not enter
Law of Selective Acoustics - The percussion section always sounds loudest where the judges are sitting. It cannot be heard from the podium
Hatch's Law of Clarinet Squeaks - Clarinet squeaks always occur in the most exposed sections of the music
Fillmore's March Law - If a march can be rushed, it will
Corollary: A march rushes in proportion to a band's inability to play it quickly
The Play It Again Sam Axiom - At concert festivals, three other bands will play your toughest piece
Corollary: All three perform before you do, and play it better
Surprise Symphony Principle - At least one section of the music which sounded perfect in rehearsal will go haywire
The Punctuality Paradox - Give a strongly-worded lecture about punctuality and you will be late to the next performance
Bidewell's Transition Principle - You are never as good as the previous conductor
Anderson's Solution - When in doubt, blame problems on the previous conductor
The Lowest Common Denominator Principle
After a concert, parents rave about the pop selection played and say nothing about the test piece
The Least Credible Sentence in Conducting - One more time
Emily's law on mobile phones - At least one mobile phone will ring during a rehearsal or concert
The conductor had explicitly given a speech about turning them off the day before
Emily's law on "gran pausa": - If there is a "gran pausa" in the piece, at least one musician will keep playing. He will play fortissimo. He will play out of tune
Emily's law on difficult passages - The chances of a conductor asking a section to play a passage by themselves in the rehearsal, is directly proportional to the difficulty of the passage and how well the people can play it.
Emily's law on pencils String players will not have a pencil the day the conductor gives new bowings or fingerings
Emily's law on practicing - The difficult passage practiced for hours, will not be played correctly once the student plays it for the teacher
the more a student practices, the less likely he will play correctly during the lesson
Emily's law on repertoire - The more the student hates a specific piece, the more likely he will have to play it
Murphy's Horse Laws - Tack you hate never wears out
Blankets you hate cannot be destroyed
Horses you hate cannot be sold and will outlive you
Clipper blades will become dull only when the horse is half finished
Clipper motors will quit only when you have the horse's head left to trim
If you approach within 50 feet of the barn in your "street clothes", you will get dirty
You can't push a horse on a lunge line
If a horse is advertised "under $5,000" you can bet he isn't $2,500
The number of horses you own increases according to the number of stalls in your barn
An uncomplicated horse can be ruined with enough schooling
You can't run a barn without baling twine
Wind velocity increases in direct proportion to how well your hat fits
There is no such thing as the "right feed"
If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury
If you're winning, quit.
All of the horse laws above were sent by Les
Murphy's Jagged Alliance 2 Laws
You never run out of medical kits.
Corollary: Unless your mercs get hurt.
Remember - the entire country is hostile. Trees will bend to swallow your bullets, while enemies can shoot through entire forests.
Corollary: If the game wants you to get hit, there's no cover.
If you forgot to repair your equipment after each battle, your rifle will jam when you spend your merc's last action points to kill a wounded enemy, who will in turn reattribute by firing a LAW at your position.
Corollary 1: If you repair after each fight, you'll run out of toolkits in the middle of nowhere.
Corollary 2: You neglected to think about carrying sidearm.
Corollary 3: If the merc happens to carry a .38 by accident, you'll discover that your enemy is wearing treated Spectra armor.
When you think you've got a foothold in Arulco, one town's mine runs dry, the other gets run over by the bugs, and a third one is recaptured by the army.
Corollary: This will happen when the contracts of your top mercs are due for renewal and you just spent your savings on getting a shipment from Bobby Ray's.
Just after you made a Quick save, you'll realize that your mercs are surrounded by enemies wielding Rocket Rifles.
Corollary: Your last real safe is from Drassen on Day 3.
After you blow your money on a few two week contracts for expensive mercs, they'll arrive, bitch about not liking the guys in your old squad, then leave.
Corollary: Neither AIM nor MERC have a refund policy.
If an enemy is really dug in, you'll have forgotten to bring a mortar.
Corollary: If you're actually in range for throwing a grenade at him and attempt it, it will bounce off the one lone tree nearby and sail right back at you.
Never count on even mortally wounded enemies missing you.
Corollary 1: All those Marksmanship penalties relating to energy loss, open wounds and guns in bad condition only apply to your mercs.
Corollary 2: No enemy ever has a jammed gun.
You never notice that none of your mercs has a good score in Leadership until you try to recruit someone.
After spending five minutes hunting down the last enemy, he'll flee the sector.
There is no such thing as a guaranteed hit.
Corollary: Unless your mercs are the target.
If you lose a merc through death or end of contract, you'll be in the middle of nowhere and be forced to leave behind his/her heavy gear: This is most commonly your heavy weapons expert who carried a few LAWs and your mortar.
Corollary: The next sector will contain tanks.
As soon as the enemy puts just one more square of distance between you and him, your previous hyperfrag sniper rifle with laser sight, telescopic sight, bipod and extended barrel will spray bullets all around him.
Corollary: This will invite his friends who will geek you by the dozens.
Regeneration Boosters, Explosives and enough ammo. Pick two.
No matter how good your lock picking expert gets, the locks get better.
There are only very few people with less of a grasp on tactics than your enemies. Your militiamen are some of them.
The smart JA2 player always has a spare keyboard around; if the Alt and L keys on yours still work, you're a newbie.
Murphy's Laws for role-playing by Internet Message Board
Nobody knows whose fault it is that the story isn't moving, but everyone has a different theory.
The Game Master is never on ICQ.
Neither are any of the other players.
The impossibility of slapping someone silly over the net is not recognized as potential weak point that requires careful consideration, but abused as if there was no tomorrow.
Corollary 1: After you spent a few hours trying to modify the text so that you get a coherent string of events from the garbled message of a player, he'll announce that you suck and quit the game.
Corollary 2: Just when you've written a convincing message detailing how the now inactive character is disposed of, the player will come back and bitch at you for forcing him out.
Murphy's Law of Unformatted Character Sheets
Organized. Complete. Readable. Pick two.
Murphy's Death Spiral: The longer your campaign goes on, the more ridiculously powerful you'll have to make the villains to present a challenge to your demi-god characters.
Corollary: The player of the most powerful character will complain about lacking realism.
Nobody is lazy; they're busy perfecting their posts they will make really soon, which will be totally awesome.
Corollary: You'll have to write it yourself.
You'll either be overrun by newbie's who have totally cool original new characters (all expressions after 'have' being debatable) who'll quit two days after their introduction to the story, or left totally deserted without players.
The amount of work that went into planning your new campaign is inversely proportional to how many people will want to play it.
The Murphy's Laws for role-playing by Internet Message Board were sent by Robert Mueller
Murphy's Laws of Transformers
Never deceive yourself thinking you're the toughest Transformer; if Hasbro doesn't want to sell your toy, they'll find a way to kill you off.
Corollary: If enough people complain, they'll bring you back and piss off the continuity-worshipping fan-boys.
Murphy's Law of Acceptable Disguise
All good altmodes are taken.
Just because you have a ten in one of your stats doesn't mean some leader toy can't pulverize you with it's 10+ stat.
Cybertronian Marksmanship is an oxymoron.
Murphy's Cybertron Blues T-Shirt Analogy:
My family was killed in the Great War that has lasted for millions of years, my city got burned down, Decepticons ripped me to pieces, Unicron attempted to eat my home world, and all I got was this stinking Autobot sigil burned onto my chest.
Shoot them all, let Primus sort them out.
If you have an aerial altmode and take to the sky, someone will hit you with an EMP blast.
When you think you've cornered someone, they'll call in their friends and combine into a huge lumbering giant who will promptly crush you.
If your leader carries a big cannon on his right arm, respectfully request a transfer.
Even if you wield the Matrix, end the war and save the universe a few times, there'll still be a writer out there who will see to it that you'll be remembered for that one horrible story you were in.
The typical job interview will begin with "So, what cultural stereotype do you represent ?"
Corollary: There are no original characters, just stereotypes that haven't become prominent yet.
The more powerful your altmode, the longer and easier to interrupt your transformation will be.
Corollary: Your inner workings are not stressed to withstand hits by directed energy weaponry.
Nobody ever really dies; everyone comes back to bug you and make you waste your ammunition on them.
Corollary: You're the exception, since you're unpopular and will be phased out of the series.
Murphy's Nitpicking Note:
Every character has an aspect that can and will be insulted and ridiculed at length.
Game Mastering Laws
When you finally find the perfect game, no one is available.
Players will always find the hidden flaw in your master plan.
Corollary: If there is no hidden flaw, it's against the rules.
Corollary: If it isn't against the rules, one player will convince the others it is.
The percent of time spent bickering over what to do next is inversely proportional to the importance of the subject being fought over.
The chance of a plan being set aside by player choice is directly proportional to the amount of time spent working on it.
If it is absolutely vital that the players notice something, they will not.
Corollary: If they make a check to see it, they will fail.
If it is absolutely important that players do not use meta-game knowledge, they will.
The one time you bend the rules for someone is the one time everyone notices it.
The amount of missed attack rolls is inversely proportional to the importance of the battle.
Any and all jokes will be misunderstood as insults, clues, or just plain missed.
Corollary: Any and all clues will be misunderstood as insults, jokes, or just plain missed.
Luck in dice rolls varies inversely with role-playing ability.
Adam's Law - When the players are up against the main enemy, they will instantaneously kill him with one lucky shot.
Corollary: If they do not kill him within the first 3 rounds, they will all die.
Elevator laws - The last man entering an elevator going up goes to the lowest floor.
Conversely, if you are in an elevator that is descending, The latest person to enter will punch the highest floor.
The first person needing to exit the elevator will always be the person farthest to the rear of the elevator
The chances the elevator isn't work is inversely proportional to the weight you are carrying multiplied by the number of stairs you'll have to climb.
Miscellaneous laws
A man who walks through the turnstiles backwards going to Bangkok.
Never look up when dragon flies overhead.
Everybody wants to use the bathroom on the same time.
the squeakiness of floorboards is directly proportional to the need to remain unnoticed
You might forget your past, but your past will never forget you.
Give a controversial, immoral issue, enough leeway in mainstream society, it will become the norm
All generalizations are false, including this one
you need something the most, only after you realize you've permanently lost it.
Spending enough time and money, all human behavior can be psychologically explained.
Even the most repulsive.
Everything gets worse with time except the wine. And this one, no always
The early bird suffers from insomnia.
History is much like an endless waltz. the three beats of war, peace, and revolution continue on forever.
Every thing that is countable is to little.
Corollary: every thing that is measurable is too small.
Generalization: If you can quantize it, it is too small.
Your nose always itches when your hands are tied.
When you believe you have seen the utmost of one's stupidity they never cease to amaze you and go one step further.
Life stinks... then you have a heart attack, get paraplegic... and find yourself forced to say that it wasn't that bad after all...
JKash's law: When you need gum for your breath in the morning and you can't find any.
The person you'll ask won't have any either.
If they will have gum it will be in a flavor that you really don't like.
You cannot stop the ongoing love affair between pasta sauce and a white dress shirt.
Your parents' advice only makes sense 20 years after they gave it to you.
Your cell phone always fall on the hardest part of the ground.
Friends come and go. Enemies gather.
Kent's Law: A web page is only a page until its printed. Then it can be any number of pages.
What is (written) history? The last kick of the victor in the pants of the defeated.
If you have a 50% chance of being right, you're wrong 90% of the time.
Anything By Nothing Equals Everything (Any number divided by zero equals infinite)
Whenever you don't want to do something, is exactly when it needs to be done.
The weakest link is the most stable one.
The surest way to be late is to have plenty of time.
After trying to get something apart (or together) for 90 minutes, you find a clip that gets the job done in 30 seconds (tried and tested many times).
Clothes that are labeled (non-run) aren't.
The height of foolishness is to believe red or black die doesn't run
The more certain you are that your thought is original, the more obscure the source from which you accidentally plagiarized it.
Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap that mother@#?!&* upside the head
Philosophy of life and/or golf --- The professor of philosophy opens his lecture filling a big jar with golf balls. Is the jar full? - surprises the audience. Yes - comes the reply. He fills the empty space with stones - including diamonds - of the size of peas and asks again: Is the jar full? The students agree again. The professor pours sand on top of the existing mixture filling the jar completely. Is it full? Yes, OK! - reply some of the students with doubt in their voice. Fine, what all this means? - turns the professor to his listeners again. Silence. You should understand that this is a model of philosophy of life: The golf balls represent important phenomena of life, like family, love, health, job, children, golf. If you lose everything else, these are the things you grasp to. The stones represent phenomena that still count, like accommodation, car, wealth. Sand is the rest, unimportant, small matters. If you start filling your life with sand, you lose the opportunity to deal with important phenomena. First concentrate on golf balls and stones. The rest is just sand. One of the students jumps to his feet, opens a bottle of beer, pours the beer on top of everything that the jar contains. The beer is completely swallowed by sand. What do you want to say? - asks him the professor with a stare of astonishment. My lesson is simple: whatever way you handle your life, not depending, how much is it filled, there is always space for a mug of beer.
Nothing succeeds like success
Behind every successful man is a woman; the further behind the woman the better the chances of his success.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away two weeks before you need it.
The Inverse law of Ninja
In a movie a single Ninja is an unstoppable semi-immortal and mysterious killing machine. As their number increases the ninja progressively becomes more of a bumbling fumbling idiot. Also applies to thugs, mobsters, gangs and superheroes.
The item you need the most will always be at the bottom of the pack.
Whenever you get a great, original idea, it's when you forget the idea.
Any good idea you ever had will just be accredited to someone else once you tell someone about it.
If you hold a hammer in your hand, everything around you will look like a nail.
If you try to be better than worse, you'll be better at being worse.
Nothing is definite.
The grass is always greener on the other side.
Corollary: This law still applies when you move next door.
Why violence when there is vengeance.
In stores, the other line always moves faster.
Clicking your heels three times means you've fallen and can't get up.
Binil's law of greed: Enough is never enough enough.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% fatality rate.
Things can't get worse if you were born an Amazon pygmy cannibal.
Moral beliefs tend to be like laws in crowded places.
If there's a flat surface, someone will put something on it.
Don't play leapfrog with a unicorn.
A non-smoker among smokers will always be upwind.
A Camel is a Horse made by a committee.
A committee is the only life form with 12 stomachs and no brains.
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights
A person's happiness is inversely related to how many timepieces s/he owns
If you have a clear mind, you don't get to think
To be a successful person, you need to succeed
A person who writes a law has never experienced it before
In view of the current work-load, the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off
In general it is better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you're a fool, than to open it and remove all doubt. (Lord Palmerston)
A heavy frozen roast, stored on a freezer shelf, 5 feet from the ground, will fall on the most vulnerable toe available.
Following that, it will try to bounce to the other foot, with a 50% chance of success.
The Voice of Experience never speaks up until it's too late.
If you are not thoroughly confused, you have not been thoroughly informed.
When sitting in the audience watching a sport event among 60.000 other spectators, the only time you pick your nose, you are on national TV.
If you fiddle with something long enough you'll eventually break it.
Sticks and stones will break your bones but words will get you killed.
Man is the only animal able to retrace his steps to make the mistakes previously avoided
The greater the number of people involved in a social function, the less intelligent each of the participants becomes
A plea for justice is often a claim for injustice in one's own favor
When dinner is on time, your spouse is late. When dinner is late, your spouse is on time.
As soon as you light up the commercial starts
Sailor's Law: Never sail the boat where the birds are walking
Murphy's Fundamental Principle
If there are M ways to do a thing, and out of M, N ways lead to the wrong conclusion, then the probability of doing it in one of those N ways is 1
Alternately, Everything that you do is wrong
The more you say you'll win, the more difficult it is to come true.
Even the darkest hour has only 60 minutes
The exception rule -- Every rule has an exception, including this rule.
sometimes in order to clean up, it is necessary to make a mess
Whenever a phone rings, it rings at least in pairs
If 50 people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing
Chris corollary -- If 1000 people say a foolish thing, they're most likely receiving an endorsement fee
Never teach a pig to sing. It waste your time and annoys the Pig.
a winner should quit, a quitter is sure to win
Skepticism is to pessimism as doubt is to proof
Skeptics are blessed with ignorance, while pessimists are cursed with knowledge
Having is not always as pleasing a thing as wanting. It is not logical but I have observed it to be true.
When you remember the trash needs taking out the garbage truck is 2 doors down
Sooner or later you will spill your beer
Never open a pill bottle over the bathroom sink
The most precise measuring instrument known to man for finding the exact center underneath a parked vehicle is a ball being used in a very enjoyable lawn game, this will not work if other balls are available.
Anything that can go wrong will, one hour before you are supposed to leave on vacation.
Anything that can go wrong will, one hour before the three day weekend starts.
Anything that can go wrong will, one hour before closing on Friday.
No system is so perfect it can't be made to work
During the course of any endeavor you will always see the winning move right after you've executed the losing one
The less you have to paint, the more paint you get on yourself
When you're riding a bike - it will rain
Lube something good and it only gets better, lube something bad and it only gets worse
To check the spelling of a word in the dictionary, you have to know how it's written
Pens sent through the dryer intentionally never break, but those sent by accident always attack white clothes
Nobody is incompetent. Incompetence is nothing but competence in incompetency
Coincedence doesn not exist, everything happens for a random reason
Dato's Law - Wishes expand in direct proportion to the resources available for the gratification.
Anything that can be misused will be misused (legal loopholes, marketing information, etc.)
Law of Complexity: Everything is more complicated than it looks at first
Corollary to the Law of Complexity: The Law of Complexity is recursive
The time you have to wait before going to bed increases proportionally to how tired you are
Assaf's Law of Advice: The only people less likely to follow your advice than those who receive it unsolicited are those who ask for it.
If your happy, don’t worry you’ll get over it
If you have no problems, then you have no clue to what is going
When you know that you are in luck - Murphy's law will apply to you; If you know that Murphy will strike you at any time - he won't; but than you will know he won't so he will.
Murphy's Law is unconstitutional, but will never be repealed.
It is a fact that every thing in universe moves counterclockwise.
Opitz' law: Good luck is inversely proportional to good timing.
The first thing you'll have to do, is the last thing you wished.
The first thing to break down is the irreparable one.
Keys dropped near an open elevator door will always fall down the crack.
And will cost you more to get them out than it will to get a second set cut.
Sent by Graham (an elevator technician - so he knows...).
The more skilled you are at something, the worse you are at it when showing someone.
If someone ever said that something wouldn't go wrong in a billion years, they said it a billion years ago.
The one you buy will be the only one that doesn't work.
When playing board-games which involve quizzes etc, you will always know the answers to everyone else's set of questions but never your own.
The future is like now, only longer.
Zuhnic Laws of Plagiarism: If you put a law into your own words, you can name it after yourself (take many laws from this site into account, though not this one... ahem...).
If you notice that one of the laws you read came from a different source, it was either completely innocent or completely malevolent.
If your plane is about to crash, the parachute are missing
Aquarium Laws: Every aquarium will eventually leak.
Every fish will eventually die.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
Murphy's Laws of War
Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
when they're ready.
when you're not.
No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
The Ol' Ranger's addendum: Or else they're trying to suck you into a serious ambush!
The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
The easy way is always mined.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
If the enemy is within range, so are you.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.)
Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
Tracers work both ways.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
Weather ain't neutral.
If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed toward you.
Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
Napalm is an area support weapon.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The one item you need is always in short supply.
Interchangeable parts aren't.
It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
Murphy was a grunt.
Beer Math: 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
Body count Math: 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
The crucial round is a dud.
Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
Walking point = sniper bait.
Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
If see you, so can the enemy.
All or any of the above combined.
Avoid loud noises, there are few silent killers in a combat zone.
Never screw over a buddy; you'll never know when he could save your life.
Never expect any rations; the only rations that will be on time and won't be short is the ration ofshit.
Respect all religions in a combat zone, take no chances on where you may go if killed.
A half filled canteens a beacon for a full loaded enemy weapon.
When in a fire fight, kill as many as you can, the one you miss may not miss tomorrow.
It is a physical impossibility to carry too much ammo.
If you survive an ambush, something's wrong.
Some General last words (as his aides tried to get him to get his head down): "What! what! men, dodging this way for single bullets! What will you do when they open fire along the whole line? I am ashamed of you. They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance."
The General was General John Sedgwick, said on May 9, 1864 at the Battle of Spotsylvania.
If you can see the flashes from the enemies' guns in battle, he can see yours too.
Flashlights, lighters and matches don't just illuminate the surrounding area; they illuminate you too.
Just because you have nearly impenetrable body armor and a hard-ass Kevlar helmet, doesn't mean you don't have exposed areas.
There are few times when the enemy can't hear you: When he's dead, you're dead, or both.
Addendum: When he's not there, when you're not there, or both.
Never cover a dead body with your own in hopes of looking like you're one of the casualties. Even using his cadaver is a stretch to avoid being shot "just in case."
You're only better than your enemy if you kill him first.
Complain about the rations all you want, but just remember; they could very well be your last meal.
Never underestimate the ability of the brass to foul things up.
You have two mortal enemies in combat; the opposing side and your own rear services.
You think the enemy has better artillery support and the enemy thinks yours is better; you're both right.
Three things you will never see in combat; hot chow, hot showers, and an uninterrupted night's sleep.
"Live" and "Hero" are mutually exclusive terms.
Don't be a hero
Once you are in the fight it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea.
NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition that the other guy.
Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover for you.
Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.
Sometimes, being good and lucky still is not enough.
If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.
If you are wearing body armor they will probably miss that part.
Happiness is a belt fed weapon.
Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative...
If you are allergic to lead it is best to avoid a war zone.
Hot garrison chow is better than hot C-rations which, in turn, are better than cold C-rations, which are better than no food at all. All of these, however, are preferable to cold rice balls even if they do have little pieces of fish in them.
A free fire zone has nothing to do with economics.
Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better.
Being shot hurts.
Thousands of Veterans earned medals for bravery every day. A few were even awarded.
There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the rules.
C-4 can make a dull day fun.
There is no such thing as a fair fight -- only ones where you win or lose.
If you win the battle you are entitled to the spoils. If you lose you don't care.
Nobody cares what you did yesterday or what you are going to do tomorrow. What is important is what you are doing -- NOW -- to solve our problem.
Always make sure someone has a can opener.
Prayer may not help . . . but it can't hurt.
Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these, however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac even if it is, technically, a form of flying.
If everyone does not come home none of the rest of us can ever fully come home either.
Carrying any weapon that you weren't issued (e.g, an AK) in combat is Not A Good Idea!
A combat vet will know the sound of an unfamiliar weapon in an instant and will point and shoot.
Not only that, AKs use green tracers which mean "shoot 'em all and let God sort them out".
As has been noted, "Friendly fire isn't!"
When the going gets tough, the tough go cyclic.
Military Intelligence is not a contradiction in terms, "Light Infantry" is!
Proximity factor: The need for relief is directly related to the distance of the relief station.
Always keep one bullet in the chamber when changing your magazine.
In peacetime people say, "War is Hell". In combat, under fire from artillery, airplanes, or whatever, a soldier thinks, "War is really really really LOUD as Hell!!!".
If you can think clearly, know exactly what's happening, and have total control of a situation in combat, then you're not in combat.
When you get the coveted 1,000 yard stare, don't forget about the enemy who is 30 yards away and about to pop your ass.
Stay away from officers in combat, they're clever decoys for noncoms.
If you think you don't need something for your combat load for an OP PLAN, you'll probably wish you had it after the shit hits the fan in combat.
Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
Failure of plan A will directly affect your ability to carry out plan B.
If you drop a soldier in the middle of a desert with a rock, a hammer, and an anvil, tell him not to touch any of it, and come back two hours later, the anvil will be broken. "Because soldiers gotta fuck with shit".
War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Lackland's Laws: Never be first. Never be last. Never volunteer for anything
An escaping soldier can be used again.
If you think you'll die, don't worry you won't.
Near death, but still a live? There is nothing wrong with physics. God doesn't like you.
It is better to be lucky than good in the battlefield.
If it's worth fighting for...it's worth fighting dirty for.
If god wanted boots to be comfortable he would have designed them like running shoes.
If you survive the extraordinary things, it will often be the little things that will kill you.
Give an order, then change the order, will get you disorder.
You never have fire support in heavy firefight but you always have it on a silent recon mission
Revision to Marine Corp. Motto "If it makes sense, we won't do it".
The only thing more dangerous to you than the enemy, is your allies
Night vision - isn't
Laws of War for Helicopters
Helicopter tail rotors are naturally drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc. While it may be possible to ward off this event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented. It's just what they do.
The engine RPM and the rotor RPM must BOTH be kept in the GREEN. Failure to heed this commandment can adversely affect the morale of the crew.
The terms Protective Armor and Helicopter are mutually exclusive.
"Chicken Plates" are not something you order in a restaurant.
The BSR (Bang Stare Red) Law: The louder the sudden bang in the helicopter, the quicker your eyes will be drawn to the gauges.
Corollary: The longer you stare at the gauges the less time it takes them to move from green to red.
Loud, sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.
The further you fly into the mountains, the louder the strange engine noises become.
It is a bad thing to run out of airspeed, altitude and ideas all at the same time.
"Pucker Factor" is the formal name of the equation that states the more hairy the situation is, the more of the seat cushion will be sucked up your butt. It can be expressed in its mathematical formula of: S (suction) + H (height above ground) + I (interest in staying alive) + T (# of tracers coming your way). Thus the term 'SHIT!' can also be used to denote a situation where a high Pucker Factor is being encountered.
Running out of pedal, fore or aft cyclic, or collective are all bad ideas.
Any combination of these can be deadly.
Helicopters have been described as nothing more than 50,000 parts flying in close formation. It is the mechanics responsibility to keep that formation as tight as possible.
It is mathematically impossible for either hummingbirds, or helicopters to fly. Fortunately, neither are aware of this.
LZ's are always hot.
There are 'old' pilots and 'bold' pilots, but there are no 'old, bold' pilots.
Any helicopter pilot story that starts "There I was,...." will be either true or false.
Any of these stories that end with "No shit." was neither true nor false.
The mark of a truly superior pilot is the use of his superior judgment to avoid situations requiring the use of his superior skill
Ch-53's are living proof, that if you strap enough engines to something it will fly.
Laws of War for Tanks
The same gun tube that would probably stay in alignment after lifting a car, will get you beaten after calibration if used to assist in climbing on the tank.
Tanks draw fire. A lot of it. It does not behoove the infantryman to hide behind one.
If you're close enough to actually hear an M1 series tank running, while in combat, and not part of the crew, you're too close.
Laws of the Marine Corp
It never rains in the Marine Corp, it rains on the Marine Corp.
Law of Fighting Airplanes
The enemy is always has the advantage.
Heat-seeking missiles don't know the difference between friend and foe.
'Armor' is a fantasy invented by your C.O. to make you feel better.
Afterburners aren't.
Air Brakes don't.
Your cannon will jam in combat, and then when you get back to base there will be nothing wrong with it.
You may have the better plane, but the enemy is the better pilot. (or vise versa)
When getting spare parts for your aircraft, you can get them CHEAP - FAST - IN GOOD CONDITION,
pick two. (This applies to everything)
Your radar will not pick up the enemy behind you or the one in the sun.
If you have got into the sun and are about to ambush the enemy, it will either be a trap or you'll run out of fuel.
Saddam's First (and last) Law of War:
Don't pick a fight with the baddest guys on the block!
Laws of Desert Combat:
Any attempt to find cover will result in failure.
Supply Shipments at night stick out like a sore thumb.
Tanks should never leave the established roads
Established roads are always mined
Operations in daytime will cause the lesser equipped army to win
The effectiveness of a soldier in desert combat is inversely proportional to how heavy his equipment is
Have plenty of water on hand
Murphy's Laws of the Police
Bullet Proof vests aren't.
The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They punch, kick and choke harder too.
The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you've been a cop.
Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.
High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.
If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.
Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.
Flash suppressors don't really.
If you have `cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.
If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.
Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).
If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on `Eyewitness News'.
Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Narco Investigators, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.
When a civilian sees a red light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.
If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.
You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.
Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.
From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can.
On any call, there will always be more `bad guys' than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.
The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.
Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.
You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boomer."
The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.
If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker "holed-up" in a house, they will send the entire S. W. A. T. Team.
The likelihood that you are speaking to an undercover law enforcement officer, is directly proportional to the number of personal questions being asked of you.
Dogs do not see the badge as a person of authority, they see lunch.
Laser sights work both ways
Cops arrive late to the scene of crime.
The number of years on the job is directly proportional to your waist line.
The number of people who lock their keys in their car is directly proportional to how bad the weather is.
In general, a persons' innocence is often diametrically opposed to how much they insist that they are.
Any time you decide to do something, even slightly against the law, a police officer will just so happen to be near enough to see it happen.
Swiderski's Law - Every thorough investigation leads to confusion
Your Testimony in Court is unnecessary until both you and your wife coordinate the same time off work together.
Always be sure to give the guy who complains about paying your salary his nickel back before you write his ticket; It will leave him with a better impression of your services.
The further away the call is into the sticks directly relates to the likelihood you will need a restroom after you are back in service.
Nobody needs a cop while the cop is around.
Cops are society's Sacrificial Lambs. Hey, at least we're not their Jackasses. That would be the Brass.
Even when you're not on call, you're on call. Just ask the Sgt., who doesn't want called.
On an extended Crime Scene, when someone shows up with the doughnuts and coffee, the cops who usually get them are the ones standing around doing nothing and could have gone themselves.
If a meter maid tells you that you can park there, then most likely you will get a ticket.
"Spill-proof" lids containing steaming hot coffee, aren't.
"Two beers, officer" is always two more than they should have had.
You’re Right, there is no Justice, Just Us.
Murphy's Laws of Combat
1. You are not Superman.
2. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
3. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
4. Odd or conspicuous objects attract fire. Never lurk behind one.
5. Armored vehicles are bullet magnets.
6. Incoming fire has the right of way.
7. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
8. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
9. Tracers work both ways.
10. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
11. If the sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
12. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
13. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
14. Avoid loud noises; there are few silent killers in a combat zone.
15. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
16. Try to look unimportant. The enemy may be low on ammo.
17. When in doubt, empty your magazine. Ammo is cheap; your life isn't.
18. It is physically impossible to carry too much ammo.
19. Teamwork is essential; it gives them someone else to shoot at.
20. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
21. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
22. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
23. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
24. The important things are always simple.
25. The simple things are always hard.
26. The easy way is always mined.
27. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
28. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
29. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
30. You can win without fighting, but it's a lot tougher to do. And the enemy may not cooperate.
31. Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can.
32. In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.
33. Every man has a scheme that will not work.
34. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
35. Everything goes wrong at once.
36. Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing.
37. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
38. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
39. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is the main attack.
40. When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place.
41. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
42. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
43. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back to regroup.
44. After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
45. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
46. Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
47. If you make it too tough for the enemy to get in, you can't get out.
48. Nothing ever goes away.
49. No matter which way you have to march, it's always uphill.
50. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
51. A grenade with a seven-second fuse will always burn down in four seconds.
52. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
53. When in a firefight, kill as many as you can; the one you miss may not miss tomorrow.
54. The only terrain that is truly controlled is the terrain upon which you are standing.
55. If at first you don't succeed, call in an air-strike.
56. Cluster bombing from B-52s and C-130s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.
57. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
58. The best tank killer is another tank. Therefore tanks are always fighting each other, and have no time to help the infantry.
59. The law of the bayonet says the man with the bullet wins.
60. Napalm is an area support weapon.
61. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
62. If you can't remember where you put it, the claymore is pointed at you.
63. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
64. No inspection-ready unit has ever passed combat.
65. The side with the fanciest uniforms loses.
66. Beer math: two beers times 37 men equal 49 cases.
67. Body count math: 2 guerrillas + 1 probable + 2 pigs = 37 enemy KIA.
68. If you take more than your share of objectives, you will be assigned more objectives to take.
69. When both sides are convinced that they are about to lose, they are both right.
70. Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
71. Friendly fire isn't.
72. Recoilless rifles aren't.
73. Suppressive fire won't.
74. Interchangable parts aren't.
75. Guided missiles aren't.
76. Perfect plans aren't.
77. Final Protective Fire doesn't.
78. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
79. Precision bombing is normally accurate to within plus/minus one mile.
80. Radios will fail as soon as you desperately need fire support.
81. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
82. When you've written down several of radio frequencies, the most important ones will be illegible.
83. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
84. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
85. The crucial round is a dud.
86. The one item you need is always in short supply.
87. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
88. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
89. The most delicate component will be dropped.
90. Design flaws travel in groups.
91. Tolerances accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty.
92. Nature sides with the hidden flaw.
93. If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
94. Always keep in mind that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
95. The more the weapon costs, the farther away you will have to send it to be repaired.
96. If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
97. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
98. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
99. The enemy never takes notice until you make a mistake.
100. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
101. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: (a.) When you're ready for them; (b.) When you're not ready for them.
102. When you have plenty of supplies and ammo, the enemy takes weeks to attack. When you're low on both, they'll attack that night.
103. If you are short of everything except the enemy, you are in combat.
104. REMFs (Rear Echelon Mother Fuckers) are everywhere.
105. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
106. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
107. A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.
108. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
110. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
111. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
112. A sucking chest wound is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
113. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
114. Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
115. Walking point = sniper bait.
116. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
117. As soon as you mention something, if it's good, it goes away. If it's bad, it happens.
118. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
119. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
120. The seriousness of a wound is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
121. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
122. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
123. Respect all religions in a combat zone; take no chances on where you may go if killed.
124. When you drop your equipment in a firefight, your ammo and grenades always fall farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
125. The bursting radius of a grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
126. When you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. When you're running low, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
127. Weather ain't neutral.
128. A clean and dry set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
129. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
130. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
131. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
132. Success occurs when no one is looking; failure occurs when the General is watching.
133. The more stupid the leader is, the more important the missions he's ordered to carry out.
134. A little ignorance can go a long way in the direction of maximum harm.
135. When all else fails, read the instructions.
136. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
137. Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.
138. You never find a lost article until you replace it.
139. Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
140. Things will get worse before they will get better -- and who said things would get better?
141. Any or all of the above combined.
What are Murphy's Laws?
Murphy's laws origin
Visit http://www.murphys-laws.com/ for all the laws of Murphy in one place.
The following article was excerpted from The Desert Wings
March 3, 1978
Murphy's Law ("If anything can go wrong, it will") was born at Edwards Air Force Base in 1949 at North Base.
It was named after Capt. Edward A. Murphy, an engineer working on Air Force Project MX981, (a project) designed to see how much sudden deceleration a person can stand in a crash.
One day, after finding that a transducer was wired wrong, he cursed the technician responsible and said, "If there is any way to do it wrong, he'll find it."
The contractor's project manager kept a list of "laws" and added this one, which he called Murphy's Law.
Actually, what he did was take an old law that had been around for years in a more basic form and give it a name.
Shortly afterwards, the Air Force doctor (Dr. John Paul Stapp) who rode a sled on the deceleration track to a stop, pulling 40 Gs, gave a press conference. He said that their good safety record on the project was due to a firm belief in Murphy's Law and in the necessity to try and circumvent it.
Aerospace manufacturers picked it up and used it widely in their ads during the next few months, and soon it was being quoted in many news and magazine articles. Murphy's Law was born.
The Northrop project manager, George E. Nichols, had a few laws of his own. Nichols' Fourth Law says, "Avoid any action with an unacceptable outcome."
The doctor, well-known Col. John P. Stapp, had a paradox: Stapp's Ironical Paradox, which says, "The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle."
Nichols is still around. At NASA's Jet Propulsion Lab in
Murphy's Law or Sod's Law?
While I admit that the name of Murphy's laws is a pleasant one as is the story of how it came to light, but the original name for 'if anything can go wrong it will' was sod's law because it would happen to any poor sod who needed such a catastrophic event the least. It also removes the ability to say "I coined this phrase!" because sod's law has been around long before any living man and has existed in many forms for hundreds of years. In the
Chris Monkman
Murphy's Laws and Other Observations
from http://userpage.chemie.fu-berlin.de/diverse/murphy/murphy2.html
Murphy's Laws
- If anything can go wrong, it will.
- If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the first one to go wrong.
- If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
- If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
- Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
- Mother nature is a bitch.
O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Laws
Murphy was an optimist.
Ginsberg's Theorems
- You can't win.
- You can't break even.
- You can't even quit the game.
Forsyth's Second Corollary to Murphy's Laws
Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in.
Weiler's Law
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
The Laws of Computer Programming
- Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
- Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run.
- If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
- If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
- Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory.
- The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of its output.
- Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
Pierce's Law
In any computer system, the machine will always misinterpret, misconstrue, misprint, or not evaluate any math or subroutines or fail to print any output on at least the first run through.
Corollary to Pierce's Law
When a compiler accepts a program without error on the first run, the program will not yield the desired output.
Addition to Murphy's Laws
In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right ... something is wrong.
Brook's Law
If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set!
Grosch's Law
Computing power increases as the square of the cost.
Golub's Laws of Computerdom
- Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.
- A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long.
- The effort required to correct course increases geometrically with time.
- Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Osborn's Law
Variables won't; constants aren't.
Gilb's Laws of Unreliability
- Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
- Any system that depends upon human reliability is unreliable.
- Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
- Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There's always one more bug.
Troutman's Postulate
- Profanity is the one language understood by all programmers.
- Not until a program has been in production for six months will the most harmful error be discovered.
- Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper order will be.
- Interchangeable tapes won't.
- If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
- If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction.
Weinberg's Second Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
Gumperson's Law
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
Gummidge's Law
The amount of expertise varies in inverse ratio to the number of statements understood by the general public.
Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving System Dynamics
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can (old worms never die, they just worm their way into larger cans).
Harvard's Law, as Applied to Computers
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity and other variables, the computer will do as it damn well pleases.
Sattinger's Law
It works better if you plug it in.
Jenkinson's Law
It won't work.
Horner's Five Thumb Postulate
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Cheop's Law
Nothing ever gets build on schedule or within budget.
Rule of Accuracy
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
Zymurg's Seventh Exception to Murphy's Law
When it rains, it pours.
Pudder's Laws
- Anything that begins well ends badly.
- Anything that begins badly ends worse.
Westheimer's Rule
To estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by two and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus, we allocate two days for a one hour task.
Stockmayer's Theorem
If it looks easy, it's tough. If it looks tough, it's damn near impossible.
Atwoods Corollary
No books are lost by lending except those you particularly wanted to keep.
Johnson's Third Law
If you miss one issue of any magazine, it will be the issue that contains the article, story or installment you were most anxious to read.
Corollary to Johnson's Third Law
All of your friends either missed it, lost it or threw it out.
Harper's Magazine Law
You never find the article until you replace it.
Brooke's Law
Adding manpower to a late software makes it later.
Finagle's Fourth Law
Once a job is fooled up, anything done to improve it will only make it worse.
Featherkile's Rule
Whatever you did, that's what you planned.
Flap's Law
Any inanimate object, regardless of its position, configuration or purpose, may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner for reasons that are either entirely obscure or else completely mysterious.
Here is an important writing tip!
What is the difference between a metaphor and a simile?
Metaphor and simile are quite different, but are commonly confused simply because they are so very similar in nature.
A good book is like a good meal. A simile suggesting that a book may be as ( mentally) nourishing and satisfying as a meal.
A wire is a road for electrons. A metaphor suggesting that electrons actually do use a wire as a road to travel on.
A simile - or to be like something - is to retain some irresolvable difference which means one can never fully substitute for the other. On the other hand, a metaphor actually is a substitution - it is an equation in principle.
It could be said, then, that:
A metaphor is an equation where a simile is an approximation.
This excerpt ©Copyright J.D. Casnig and may be found in its entirety at http://knowgramming.com/metaphors/metaphor_and_simile_difference.htm
28 REASONS WHY ENGLISH TEACHERS DIE YOUNG
Or, Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays.
(Editor's Note: Maybe they're using "analogy" as a metaphor for "simile." Otherwise, you have to suspect the quality of the English teacher who distributed this.)
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Definitions
LITERARY TERMS:
Characterization: the author's expression of a character's personality through the use of action, dialogue, thought, or commentary by the author or another character.
Conflict: the struggle within the story. Character divided against self, character against character, character against society, character against nature, character against God. Without conflict, there is no story.
Dialogue: vocal exchange between two or more characters. One of the ways in which plot, character, action, etc. are developed.
Imagery: the collection of images within a literary work. Used to evoke atmosphere, mood, tension. For example, images of crowded, steaming sidewalks flanking streets choked with lines of shimmering, smoking cars suggests oppressive heat and all the psychological tensions that go with it.
Point of View: the vantage point from which the author presents action of the story. Who is telling the story? An all-knowing author? A voice limited to the views of one character? The voice and thoughts of one character? Does the author change point of view in the story? Why? Point of view is often considered the technical aspect of fiction which leads the critic most readily into the problems and meanings of the story.
Symbol: related to imagery. It is something which is itself yet stands for or means something else. It tends to be more singular, a bit more fixed than imagery. It can be clothing, an object, an idea or value.
Tone: suggests an attitude toward the subject which is communicated by the words the author chooses. Part of the range of tone includes playful, somber, serious, casual, formal, ironic. Important because it designates the mood and effect of a work.
GENRES:
Fan fiction – fiction written by fans about characters created by someone else.
Slash – fiction involving intimate sexual relationships between same sex couples (male)
Fem slash – fiction involving intimate sexual between same sex couples (female)
Het – fiction involving intimate sexual relationships between opposite sex couples
Gen – fiction that focuses more on plot than on relationships between couples
Canon – that which is sanctioned as being part of the storyline by the original creators
AU – fiction that departs from canon at some point
PWP (“Plot? What Plot?” or “Porn without plot”) – fiction that focuses more on sex than plot
GLOSSARY OF FAN FICTION TERMS
by Ellen Druda
Before you dip your big toe into the world of fan fiction, take a look at this brief glossary:
A/U: Alternate Universe. These stories feature the characters from the tv series, but place them in a different time zone, or different locale, or even give them alternative personal characteristics. Napoleon is a vampire or Illya is a unicorn are some of possibilities.
adult: Stories that might be rated "R" in the movies, they can feature violence or sex or strong language.
cross-over: These are U.NC.L.E. stories that involve other fandoms; Solo and Kuryakin meet Muldar and Scully or Mr. Waverly brings in the team from Hawaii Five-0.
fanzine: Usually a small press magazine with a very limited run, written by amatuer writers for the amusement of other fans. Quality and prices vary. Some are novellas, some are anthologies, some are series unto themselves.
gen: Stories suitable for all audiences, probably most reflective of the series itself.
h/c: Stands for hurt/comfort. These types of stories focus on one partner or the other (usually Kuryakin) suffering some sort of abuse and being helped by his friend and ally (usually Solo.) The reason behind the appeal of these stories is something even its most voracious readers can't quite fathom, but the popularity of the genre is enormous.
loc (or an eloc): Letter Of Comment or an emailed Letter of Comment. Writers and publishers love feedback.
multi-fandom or multi-universe: Anthology zines that include stories from lots of fandoms, not just The Man From U.N.C.L.E. You might might find one U.NC.L.E. story mixed in with stories about Starsky and Hutch, Wild Wild West, or The Professionals, for example.
PWP: "Plot What Plot" - stories that are concerned almost exclusively with the relationship between the two main characters, leaving little room for plot. Usually they are slash.
slash: Stories that assume a homosexual relationship between Solo and Kuryakin. An age statement is usually required when purchasing this type of fanzine. The term slash came about when the first Kirk and Spock stories appeared, they were shortened to K/S, with the "slash" in the middle of the two initials.
zine: Short for fanzine.
How to Write Detective Stories
The following "rules" that someone shared with me were written in 1928. I particularly enjoyed the changes in our English language evidenced by this essay. You will also, no doubt, notice changes in our social morés, as evidenced by the derogatory (at least in my humble opinion or "imho") reference to "servants" in rule number eleven.
Remember, you must know the rules in order to break them!
-- Aimee DuPré
"Twenty rules for writing detective stories" (1928)
By S.S. Van Dine (pseud. for Willard Huntington Wright)
THE DETECTIVE story is a kind of intellectual game. It is more--it is a sporting event. And for the writing of detective stories there are very definite laws--unwritten, perhaps, but none the less binding; and every respectable and self-respecting concocter of literary mysteries lives up to them. Herewith, then, is a sort Credo, based partly on the practice of all the great writers of detective stories, and partly on the promptings of the honest author's inner conscience. To wit:
1. The reader must have equal opportunity with the detective for solving the mystery. All clues must be plainly stated and described.
2. No willful tricks or deceptions may be placed on the reader other than those played legitimately by the criminal on the detective himself.
3. There must be no love interest. The business in hand is to bring a criminal to the bar of justice, not to bring a lovelorn couple to the hymeneal altar.
4. The detective himself, or one of the official investigators, should never turn out to be the culprit. This is bald trickery, on a par with offering some one a bright penny for a five-dollar gold piece. It's false pretenses.
5. The culprit must be determined by logical deductions--not by accident or coincidence or unmotivated confession. To solve a criminal problem in this latter fashion is like sending the reader on a deliberate wild-goose chase, and then telling him, after he has failed, that you had the object of his search up your sleeve all the time. Such an author is no better than a practical joker.
6. The detective novel must have a detective in it; and a detective is not a detective unless he detects. His function is to gather clues that will eventually lead to the person who did the dirty work in the first chapter; and if the detective does not reach his conclusions through an analysis of those clues, he has no more solved his problem than the schoolboy who gets his answer out of the back of the arithmetic.
7. There simply must be a corpse in a detective novel, and the deader the corpse the better. No lesser crime than murder will suffice. Three hundred pages is far too much pother for a crime other than murder. After all, the reader's trouble and expenditure of energy must be rewarded.
8. The problem of the crime must he solved by strictly naturalistic means. Such methods for learning the truth as slate writing, ouija boards, mind reading, spiritualistic séances, crystal-gazing, and the like, are taboo. A reader has a chance when matching his wits with a rationalistic detective, but if he must compete with the world of spirits and go chasing about the fourth dimension of metaphysics, he is defeated ab initio.
9. There must be but one detective--that is, but one protagonist of deduction--one deus ex machina. To bring the minds of three or four, or sometimes a gang of detectives to bear on a problem, is not only to disperse the interest and break the direct thread of logic, but to take an unfair advantage of the reader. If there is more than one detective the reader doesn't know who his co-deductor is. It's like making the reader run a race with a relay team.
10. The culprit must turn out to be a person who has played a more or less prominent part in the story--that is, a person with whom the reader is familiar and in whom he takes an interest.
11. A servant must not be chosen by the author as the culprit. This is begging a noble question. It is a too easy solution. The culprit must be a decidedly worthwhile person --one that wouldn't ordinarily come under suspicion.
12. There must be but one culprit, no matter how many murders are committed. The culprit may, of course, have a minor helper or co-plotter; but the entire onus must rest on one pair of shoulders: the entire indignation of the reader must be permitted to concentrate on a single black nature.
13. Secret societies, camorras, mafias, et al., have no place in a detective story. A fascinating and truly beautiful murder is irremediably spoiled by any such wholesale culpability. To be sure, the murderer in a detective novel should be given a sporting chance; but it is going too far to grant him a secret society to fall back on. No high-class, self-respecting murderer would want such odds.
14. The method of murder, and the means of detecting it, must be rational and scientific. That is to say, pseudo-science and purely imaginative and speculative devices are not to be tolerated in the roman policier. Once an author soars into the realm of fantasy, in the Jules Verne manner, he is outside the bounds of detective fiction, cavorting in the uncharted reaches of adventure.
15. The truth of the problem must at all times be apparent--provided the reader is shrewd enough to see it. By this I mean that if the reader, after learning the explanation for the crime, should reread the book, he would see that the solution had, in a sense, been staring him in the face-that all the clues really pointed to the culprit--and that, if he had been as clever as the detective, he could have solved the mystery himself without going on to the final chapter. That the clever reader does often thus solve the problem goes without saying.
16. A detective novel should contain no long descriptive passages, no literary dallying with side issues, no subtly worked-out character analyses, no "atmospheric" preoccupations. Such matters have no vital place in a record of crime and deduction. They hold up the action and introduce issues irrelevant to the main purpose, which is to state a problem, analyze it, and bring it to a successful conclusion. To be sure, there must be a sufficient descriptiveness and character delineation to give the novel verisimilitude.
17. A professional criminal must never be shouldered with the guilt of a crime in a detective story. Crimes by housebreakers and bandits are the province of the police departments--not of authors and brilliant amateur detectives. A really fascinating crime is one committed by a pillar of a church, or a spinster noted for her charities.
18. A crime in a detective story must never turn out to be an accident or a suicide. To end an odyssey of sleuthing with such an anti-climax is to hoodwink the trusting and kind-hearted reader.
19. The motives for all crimes in detective stories should be personal. International plottings and war politics belong in a different category of fiction--in secret-service tales, for instance. But a murder story must be kept gemütlich, so to speak. It must reflect the reader's everyday experiences, and give him a certain outlet for his own repressed desires and emotions.
20. And (to give my Credo an even score of items) I herewith list a few of the devices which no self-respecting detective storywriter will now avail himself of. They have been employed too often, and are familiar to all true lovers of literary crime. To use them is a confession of the author's ineptitude and lack of originality.
(a) Determining the identity of the culprit by comparing the butt of a cigarette left at the scene of the crime with the brand smoked by a suspect.
(b) The bogus spiritualistic séance to frighten the culprit into giving himself away.
(c) Forged fingerprints.
(d) The dummy-figure alibi.
(e) The dog that does not bark and thereby reveals the fact that the intruder is familiar.
(f) The final pinning of the crime on a twin, or a relative who looks exactly like the suspected, but innocent, person.
(g) The hypodermic syringe and the knockout drops.
(h) The commission of the murder in a locked room after the police have actually broken in.
(i) The word association test for guilt.
(j) The cipher, or code letter, which is eventually unraveled by the sleuth.
Feedback
"If you can't take it, don't dish it out!"
Feedback can be a tricky thing. It can be difficult to know whether to send a note to the author about a story of theirs that you've just read. For one thing, you never know how your note is going to be received by that author. Personally I've had some who have been very gracious about it and others who see anything that doesn't place them on a pedestal as the greatest writer of all time as flaming.
A couple of things to remember whether giving feedback on or off list:
1. Critique the story, not the writer.
2. Don't retell the story and definitely don't give away the ending. Some people will read the feedback before plunging into a story to read it.
3. Be honest about what you see as the positives and negatives which leads into ...
4. Provide examples. Don't just say "The characterization was off." Provide a direct example from the story to show where the characterization was off with an example from the show itself with which to compare it.
5. Admit your biases. This will go a long way towards helping other people who want to read particular stories, who first read the feedback/critique/review of a story.
6. Remember the old saw, "Seeing is in the eye of the beholder." What you see in the show, might not be what others do.
7. If you aren't sure whether to send your notes to the writer personally or post them to the list, ask the writer first.
This isn't to say that a simple one-liner can't be sent.
A note to the writers of fan fiction: Remember that just as your fan fiction is a personal accomplishment for you, the writing of a review or critique is just as much a personal accomplishment for that writer.
I like to give positive feedback to people, even if the story isn't my cup of tea. If I don't like it doesn't mean it's not good. And even if there are problems with it, I try not to discourage people by just pointing out the bad and none of the good. Whenever I felt the story was pretty decent overall and needed more of an overall review, I used this format (which is in a MSWord file on my computer so all I have to do is copy and paste):
My first impressions of your story:
The plot:
The characters:
The action:
The dialogue:
The overall story:
The technical details (spelling, grammar, scientific or historical details), etc.:
What I loved about this work, and why:
What caused me problems, and why:
Final comments:
And other times, when I was either away from my laptop or felt the story needed more technical work than anything else, I just went through and picked out things that I spotted that I didn't like and things that I did.
No one takes it personally and they are taught never to make snide comments or say anything derogatory about anyone. Critique is confined to making the story better, not saying anything negative about the reporter.
Example of good feedback:
A student might not have done the necessary research for the story. It is weak and poorly written.
Editor: "If you did some more interviewing of the principal, your story would be better."
Or "You need more facts about what happened at the dance on Friday night"
Bad feedback:
Never say: "You did a lousy job on this story. Where was your brain when you wrote it?"
The feedback can be strong, but it cannot be a personal attack on the writer.
Guidelines for Providing Constructive Feedback
Establish a climate of trust in which learners welcome and invite feedback. Feedback should be given in the spirit of caring and concern.
Time your feedback well. Don't give it during stressful times (e.g., post call), when either party may be rushed or interrupted, when either party may be angry, or at a time when the learner is not ready/able to receive feedback for a particular reason. In some situations, you may want to say, "I have some feedback for you. Would this be a good time to talk?"
Make sure learners understand that you will be giving them regular feedback in addition to more "formal" scheduled feedback meetings. Given the parameters listed in # 2, feedback (positive and negative) is most useful if given as soon after an event or behavior as is practical.
In addition to day-to-day feedback, feedback meetings (usually held part way through a rotation and at the end) should be arranged. These meetings should be pre-arranged so that each party can think about them ahead of time, and should be undertaken in a private setting without interruption.
First, ask the learner for their own perspective of their performance, what they feel they did well, what they feel they need to work on, how they feel things are going. Also, connect your feedback to the learner's stated learning goals.
Feedback should be descriptive rather than evaluative. Focus on behavior and performance rather than making generalized judgments. For example, instead of "lazy", state "in your last few work-ups, Iíve noticed that you took shortcuts that seemed to save you time and effort, but caused you to miss important diagnostic information."
Be- as specific as possible, using nonjudgmental language. Provide concrete examples. For example, commenting, "nice job" is a pleasant compliment, but it does little to reinforce a learner's specific behavior. It is more helpful to state "l noticed that when you acknowledged and addressed the mother's concerns about how her child could have acquired pneumonia, she appeared relieved and less likely to blame herself."
Avoid overloading the learner with feedback. Select the highest-priority issues to start with. Time and space are needed for integrating feedback.
If you need to give feedback about a particular incident or conflict, be sure to have all the facts and/or both sides of the story.
Be supportive when giving feedback. The learner will be better able to hear your feedback, and to value and integrate it if they feel you are a supporter, even in the face of a problem, rather than if you seem indifferent or critical.
Help learners turn negative feedback into constructive challenges.
Provide follow-up to your feedback. Ensure the learner has a plan for dealing with any problems identified; arrange a way to monitor progress.
Check to ensure clear communication. Feedback is often subject to distortion or misinterpretation. You may want to ask the learner to rephrase what he/she has heard as well as to talk about his/her assessment of issues you have raised. Summarize the important issues at the end of the session.
Think out solutions to issues and problems beforehand Ask the learner to offer solutions and be willing to negotiate a plan with the learner for resolution. Meet again soon to assess progress.
Guide to Giving Feedback
Fanfiction writers don't get paid for their work. One of the best things that you, as a fanfic reader, can do is to send feedback. This will show your appreciation, help the writer to understand how others perceive her work, and encourage her to write more.
A couple of myths about feedback:
Well-known writers don't need feedback.
Not true. Unless a writer specifically asks that you don't send feedback, she almost certainly would appreciate it. Additionally, sometimes everyone assumes that big name authors don't need feedback, so they end up barely receiving any.
I don't have anything to say.
Yeah you do. Even a "Thanks! I enjoyed reading this story" is better than nothing. It helps just to know that people are reading. Of course, if you have more to say, that's even better!
Writers don't want constructive feedback.
Good writers want to improve their work. Constructive criticism helps. If you're not sure whether it's appropriate, send them an email first and ask if it's okay. But generally, unless an author specifically requests that you don't send constructive criticism, you're encouraged to send it (politely).
How to give constructive feedback:
Be polite. Don't bash. Give examples of what you're talking about; don't make a general statement unless you can back it up. Mention specifially what works and what doesn't. Temper negative comments with positive comments.
For example:
BAD: Your dialogue sucks!
GOOD: Your dialogue often feels stilted and out-of-character. For example, I doubt that Buffy would use a word like "objurgate" in a typical sentence, and I can't picture someone as uptight as Giles calling people "dude." However, I did like ...
BAD: Your plot is awful!
GOOD: Your plot doesn't make sense. I don't understand how Spike could be an international arms dealer when he doesn't even have a telephone. And why doesn't anyone remember that Riley ran away after Buffy discovered his addiction to vampire whores?
BAD: You suck!
Don't even bother. This is bashing and will be deleted. Criticize the writing, not the writer.
BAD: This story rocked! It's so much better than all your other stories, which suck.
GOOD: This story rocked! Your writing has shown an immense amount of improvement. Your dialogue often seemed stilted in your previous stories, but it flows perfectly here. Your prose has also gotten much more sophisticated. For example, ...
BAD: This story is great, but why isn't it Spike/Buffy? Spike and [other character] are wrong together!
This is a matter of taste, not criticism. Don't try to dictate your tastes onto someone else. If you don't like the pairing, stop reading. You have no right to demand that someone else write to your desires.
BAD: This story would be great, except all the sex is gross!
Oh, for heaven's sake. If you're that much of a prude, skim the sex scenes, or don't read the story. Don't try to inflict your repressed "morality" on the rest of us.
BAD: This story is great! It's so much better than all the other crap on this site!
Why anyone would think this is an appropriate comment is beyond me. Just don't.
BAD: Post more!!! Now!!!!!!
GOOD: I love this so much. I'm eagerly awaiting more. I'm really hoping you update soon!
Seeking & Receiving Feedback
"A bad book is as much of a labour to write as a good one; it comes as sincerely from the author's soul." -- Aldous Huxley
Critiquing is the most difficult and tender area in writing. In many ways, it's the Rorschach test of being human. You've just spent hours, days, weeks, months, or even years writing a piece (or creating a web site!), and now you want feedback. You are in a vulnerable position.
Of course, you want to hear you're successful, but you want it to be an honest opinion. I've heard writers say, "Please read this. You can be brutal." They don't expect (or want) "brutal," and I certainly don't want to be the instigator of making someone feel diminished or demeaned. Brutal gets few people anywhere. What they are saying is they want feedback to be as honest as possible—with strong hopes that you'll say, "This is great!" as large and definite as the faces on Mount Rushmore.
Everybody loves somebody sometime: Show your work to many people to find out what the majority of them likes about the work.
How to find people to critique: Search the Internet, join a writer's group, and consider your friends whose opinions you respect.
How to give criticism: Be honest, but don't be brutal.
How to take criticism: Take what you find useful, store other points for consideration, and ignore the rest.
Everybody loves somebody sometime
First off: You will never get everyone to love something you wrote. Ernest Hemingway, Flannery O'Connor, John Updike, Maya Angelou—no great writer has a lack of critics. Writing is subjective. Don't expect to touch everyone's soul.
You want at least a majority of people to love your writing, which is not an outrageous goal. It can happen. Just don't expect it to happen every time you sit and write.
So, how do you get a majority to like your work? You have to write and show it to people. When you get a sense of what works, write more like that (but make it different). When you get a sense of what doesn't work, don't write like that again.
(Ha! And you thought the process was complicated!)
If you intend your work to be read by many others—and to be published or produced or appear on the Internet—then seek critiques. Other people may help you catch both silly mistakes and unintended bloopers. The best criticism dives into meaning and the subtleties of language.
How to find people to critique
To be critiqued, you might ask those people you know and respect—and people to whom, if they don't completely glow about your work, you can still listen and not be hurt. (Be sure to say thank you.)
It's getting harder and harder to find people with free time, though. Between home and office phone calls, answering machines, e-mail, cell phones, pagers, letters, notes left on desks, and the occasional surprise visit, we're all feeling the pressures of the information age. People do want to help their friends, and they often say "Sure!" to your question of "Do you have a spare hour or two to read this?" But, "as soon as possible" is not always soon. Hence, you might have to ask two or three people for help to get one or two timely responses. People mean well—they just don't always have the time.
If you're writing fiction, remember that many people these days don't read fiction. People who do not read fiction may not be the best critics of your work. Two of the best ways to find help with fiction are to join a writer's group or to take a workshop or class in fiction. Local colleges have extension classes, and high schools often have adult education. Writer's groups are often word of mouth. Start your own if necessary.
The Internet can also be useful—groups gather there, too, and you can join. The best way to find an on-line group or a chat room is to use a search engine and try the search words "fiction writers groups." I found several, such as www.4-writers.com. If you're an AOL member, type the keyword writers and see the many offerings in the Writers Club. Here are some links to writers' sites.
How to give criticism
You may be asked to consider someone's work. How do you respond? In the writing group I'm in, we actually formed a few rules. We skated without rules for a few years, but when a potential member was trying us out, and he heard our criticism, he said, "You people are ruthless!"
What we discovered at that moment is that we had slipped out of the habit of commenting positively. We seemed to have assumed that everyone knew we liked and respected each other; what was good was self-evident. Unintentionally, we only focused on the sections that needed work.
We relearned to be positive by developing these rules. Do not assume everyone knows what's good. We all need lovin'.
Here are the rules we developed. Feel free to use them for your own group.
1. Allow everyone a voice. Go around the room in order, starting with whomever wants to start first. We'll move clockwise.
2. Before starting the critique, the author should introduce the work and even offer his/her goals or questions for the piece. The author then listens attentively but silently to criticism. (This avoids interruptions and explanations and allows the writer to see how people have been interpreting the work.) The writer should be writing notes to bring up later when it's his/her turn, at the end.
3. Remember that there are no "bad ideas," just "poor implementations" of those ideas. So don't say someone's basic premise is bad, just that the approach needs work.
4. Start with what you like about the work and then offer comments intended to help the author revise the work to improve it. Ways of revising the weak spots should be suggested: "Here are the text's strengths—keep them—and here are the weaknesses—try to work on these."
5. Criticism must be honest—but with tact. "Supportive" doesn't mean giving a series of sweet nothings, but writers do need to know what works and what is strong, as well as what needs improvement.
6. Talk about the most important things first. Any minor points should be written in the manuscript. Get in the habit of having a pen or pencil in hand to circle typos and make points that might be too small to bring up to the whole group. In comedic material, making a check on the side at lines or sections that are funny can be particularly helpful.
7. Be as brief as possible. If someone has already made the comment you were going to make, then simply say you agree with that person. Don't nitpick. You should have circled or corrected the smaller points on the work before the session.
8. Criticism always refers to the work and never the person. "This script is weak" is acceptable. "You write weak plays" is not. (Our group has never had a problem with this—and doesn't want to.)
9. In the initial round, whoever is speaking has the floor. Other critics should avoid jumping in—debate can be saved for after everyone has spoken.
10. Don't ask the author questions unless it can be answered yes or no. If you have more complex questions, write them on the work itself or save it for the open discussion at the end.
11. After everyone has spoken, anyone can bring up a point for debate. This is often the best part. If someone feels strongly about having flashbacks, for instance, and other people disagree, this is a time to discuss the issue. Again, the author should be generally silent to allow debate and to see what people are finding important.
12. After any debating, the writer should be allowed to direct questions to people or to the group as a whole. He/she can initiate topics for discussion. The writer can also offer a summation of what's been said, to see if he or she has a good understanding.
How to take criticism
No one is the voice of god. You do not have to take someone's advice. You only have to be polite and thank them for their time. Do not defend yourself or tell people they are lousy judges of writing or that their work sucks so no wonder they can't see great writing when it's before them. You do not have to go off and change your work. It's your work. Take what you find useful, store other points for consideration, and ignore the rest.
It's good to take notes, particularly if you're in a group situation. You will not be able to remember everything. Some people record their critiques to listen to them more closely later when they are alone and more emotionally unattached.
While the above paragraphs prepare you for possible disappointment, many writers nonetheless assume their work will be a hit—and, perhaps, as ageless as Shakespeare. Thus, when people don't see you as brilliant as you are, disappointment can descend as quickly as a scythe. Not everyone can keep the disappointment from his or her face or vocal cords. Do the best you can. Again, do not defend. Stiffle the desire to attack. If you are not good at taking criticism, then perhaps you really don't want to know what people think—which is fine. Don't waste people's time if you don't want anything less than a rave.
A friend and fellow writer says, "I often find it hard to accept criticism as it's given. I've thought about what I've written for a long time, so I can't immediately agree with some criticisms that don't seem very well thought out. What I do is take notes but don't make any changes immediately. I try to put everything away for a few days, then look at the notes again and try to objectively test them. I ask myself, 'Is this right for what I'm doing?' Sometimes I think 'yes,' where I initially thought, 'No friggin' way.' Sometimes I think, 'well, I could do that, but I honestly don't believe it's right for what I'm doing.' And sometimes I think, 'Well, that could be right, but I don't like it and I don't want to do it.' The latter isn't always the smartest choice, but it is a choice you're allowed to make. It's your writing. It's your decision."
At UCLA Extension, I'm teaching a new course called "The Write Path," and I've been blessed with 15 individuals who seek and take criticism well. They also happen to be driven writers who took the course to improve their work, not to have it validated per se, and everyone in the class gets to critique everyone else's work. They do so with panache. I'm loving the course because people are improving so quickly. They are learning from everyone else. They're conscientious and understand the vulnerability of a writer when being critiqued.
Before class, I've met with a colleague who has taught at UCLA for 20 years and who was my instructor at one time. He's a gentle man, as conscientious as they come, and he has stories of a few students who were so rocked by his critiques that they created scenes or later demanded their money back. Of course, he also has stories of those who were thankful, gained strength and courage in his course, and went on to publish or have scripts produced. The point is, being critiqued can be difficult, even by the best instructors, but there is much to be gained from criticism.
I'm not saying there are not instructors out there who trash people's work to feel self-important. If you find that in the first week or two, leave the class or group—even get your money back if that's possible. With a little research or word of mouth, however, you should be able to find the good instructors or groups.
Good luck!
Links to Writers' sites
Contentious: The web-zine for web writers, editors, and content planners
Authorlink : About Writers, Writing, Editors, and Literary Agents
Books & Writers: online services for authors and publishers
WritersNet: Internet Resource for Writers, Editors, Publishers and Agents
National Writer's Union: the trade union for freelance writers of all genres who work for American publishers or employers, affiliated with the AFC-CIO
Poets and Writers online: Resources for writers
Inkspot: The writers' resource
Things We Learned at the Movies
1. If you try hard enough, you can outrun an explosion.
2. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
3. Natural disasters only occur after the local mayor scoffs at the possibility.
4. If an expert makes a prediction and is disbelieved, then it will come to pass exactly as he predicted. If he makes a prediction and is believed, it won't happen.
5. Women staying in a haunted house should investigate any strange noises while wearing their most revealing underwear.
6. Women's skin and hair can't be damaged by natural disasters, though their clothing can be shredded -- except for the bits required for minimal decency, which are made from completely indestructible fabric.
7. If a man and a woman are exposed to the same conditions and the same environment, the man will need to wear more clothing than the woman.
8. If a man and a woman meet under circumstances under which any two normal people would instantly hate each other, they will marry before the picture is over.
9. Deadly reptiles will always attack a woman first, even if she's in the presence of thirty men.
10. Women are immortal unless they take off their shirts or they're ugly.
11. If a woman takes a bath, bubbles will cover the naughty bits. If she takes a shower and reveals her naughty bits, she will die.
12. If a blonde and a brunette are in equal peril, the brunette will die.
13. White characters have the best survival rate.
14. High class strippers with a heart of gold can will, if the plot demands it, turn out to have specialized technical skills and abilities.
15. Most human action is initiated by shy loners.
16. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
17. It's easy to pull the pin on a grenade with your teeth.
18. An explosive device capable of leveling a large office building will fit inside a toolbox or small backpack.
19. Potentially fatal attacks are always preceded by a false alarm a few seconds earlier.
20. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -- unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
21. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
22. A million dollars in cash or cocaine will invariably take up exactly the amount of space available in your briefcase.
23. The only people who ride city busses are "victims."
24. The universal medical procedure is defibrilation. Any time an EMT appears in a scene he/she will defibrilate someone before going back home. ER doctors defibrilate all patients, regardless of complaint.
25. If defibrillation doesn't work, the best way to revive someone whose heart has stopped is to scream "You can't do this to me! I love you, goddammit!" at them.
26. There are only a few real medical problems. Cancer means "I am being taken out of the plot soon and must tie up my affairs." Brain injuries and tumors mean the plot is going to hinge on amnesia. Bad skin problems signify the same character constellation that Elizabethans associated with bastardy.
27. A cup of black coffee/splash of cold water in face is enough to render the most inebriated person stone cold sober
28. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
29. All minorities possess mystical knowledge. If they wind up in a fight where their choice of method is either Western technology or some kinda mystical tribal thing, the fight cannot end until the former has failed them and the latter has been invoked.
30. The Chief of Police is always black.
31. If an investigation proves difficult, a Chief of Police will either suspend his star detective or give him 48 hours to finish the job. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
32. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
33. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
34. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
35. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -- even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
36. The more people there are firing at you, the less likely they are to hit you.
37. You can only threaten someone with a gun if you are within arm's reach of them.
38. If a man with a machine gun and a man with a pistol have a gunfight, the man with the pistol will win.
39. One man shooting at twenty men has a better chance of killing them all than twenty men firing at one.
40. The world's most accurate, easy-to-use weapon is the .38 cal revolver with a 3" barrel.
41. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always find a new one lying around the next time you need one.
42. Give a man one gun and he's Superman. Give him two, and he's God.
43. No one ever aims at the legs of a monster that's chasing them. They just keep running away, pausing every now and then to pump bullets into its torso, until it overtakes and kills them.
44. No matter how dead you think you've killed a bad guy, he can still get up at least three more times.
45. Cats are spring-loaded, and are most commonly found inside closets or cabinets which are equipped with doors that can't be operated by cats.
46. The strongest force governing human survival is the possession of a name.
47. It is possible to use a helicopter to sneak up on someone.
48. A monster can always sneak up on you, no matter how big or clumsy it is.
49. It's easy to walk through an unfamiliar forest on a moonless night.
50. A leap from a hotel roof is completely safe as long as you can land in the pool.
51. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to handle realtime videophone contact, and can override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
52. Any self-respecting modem can handle about two gigabytes of data per second.
53. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
54. Attractive women sometimes fall for weird-looking aliens, but attractive men only fall for attractive women.
55. The feasibility of an idea is inversely proportional to its initial apparent plausibility.
56. All writers are wealthy; all publishing companies are glamorous; all artists are self-supporting and have large attractive well-lit loft studios.
57. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade -- no matter what time of year it is. If you can't find a St. Patrick's Day parade, try for a Chinese New Year celebration and hide in the dragon.
58. A pudgy older star who's visibly falling behind his partner during a chase scene will catch up with him while the camera's looking away.
59. If a gas station and a man with a machine gun appear in the same scene, before the scene ends the gas station will explode. The same is true of fuel drums.
60. If you are trapped in a tunnel, in a sinking ship, or a burning building, a cute little girl, a nun, and a feisty granny will be trapped with you.
61. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, provided there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
62. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there. And you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
63. No ship, base, or compound ever has more than one emergency radio.
64. By the 24th century the concepts of circuit breakers, fuses, and uninterruptable power supplies will have been lost.
65. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
66. In the future, everyone will spend their time standing around explaining everyday objects and practices to each other in terms of their Twentieth-Century equivalents.
67. No monster-killing stratagem can be used more than once, even if it only failed through some bizarre fluke. Neither can it be refined and tried again. You have to start over with a completely different approach.
68. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
69. All aliens have single monolithic culture: one language, one religion, one outfit, one planet.
70. Good chess players can see fifteen or twenty moves ahead, in detail, from a middle game, where there are still many pieces on the board.
71. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
72. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war -- unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
73. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
74. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
75. You can see the Eiffel Tower from every window in Paris.
76. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
77. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
78. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
79. The jungles of Vietnam were filled with Nautilus machines.
80. Stripping to the waist makes a man invulnerable to bullets.
81. Magical forces cluster in the visible portion of the electromagnetic spectrum.
82. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
83. If you have sex in the woods, you will die in the woods.
84. All beds have special "L"-shaped sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
85. All grocery shopping bags used to contain a bunch of celery. Now they all contain a baguette.
86. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
87. If there is a large bump in a downhill road, a speeding car will fly over it and hit the ground in shower of sparks. Unsecured passengers will not be injured, and no tire damage, broken axles, or suspension failures will occur. The car will then execute a
88. If, during a fencing match, the combatants demonstrate their skill by cutting through all the candles on a candelabrum, the light level in the room will remain constant.
89. A slight blow to the head can cause total amnesia, but neither that nor a blow sufficient to knock a person unconscious is enough to cause concussion or other brain damage.
90. Losing a hand causes the stump of your arm to grow six inches.
91. Gunshot wounds will not disable you as long as you still have an important task left to do.
92. No one dies in an elevated position without falling from there to the ground, even if they have to jump to do it.
93. Anyone who falls from a high place while dying will let out a loud sustained shriek, even if they've just been shot several times in the chest.
94. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
95. Any government-developed virus or biological agent will have no known cure.
96. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur, will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
97. Electricity will travel any distance through water to electrocute the villain, rather than go immediately to ground (e.g. a toaster tossed into the shallow end of a swimming pool will nail the bad guy over by the diving board).
98. You can only electrocute someone while you are looking directly at them.
99. Circuit breakers don't work.
100. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even while scuba diving.
101. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
102. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
103. In you input a partial password on someone else's computer, the system will give you additional prompts that will enable you to guess the rest.
104. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill -- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
105. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
106. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically pressing the cradle switch and saying, "Hello? Hello?"
107. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
108. It is not necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" when beginning or ending phone conversations.
109. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
110. Answering machines do not have messages from aluminum storm door salesmen.
111. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
112. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
113. Incriminating evidence will always be found as photograph number four in a stack, or in the next to bottom drawer. Important data storage will have labels like "tape of Senator Foggbotham with underage girl" or "List of all nuclear launch codes."
114. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings, especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
115. Villains are fond of explaining everything to anyone in sight.
116. Villains are improbably competent and inventive, but can only make money by pulling stupid robberies. They will risk everything they have and are to get revenge on some guy who once thwarted them.
117. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
118. Any priest is either kindly or the villain. While nuns can deliver exposition, nuns are never villains.
119. Everyone knows the words to every song you want to sing and will sing along with you. They can even carry the solo part so that they can sing the song back to you, even if they have never heard the song until you sang half of it.
120. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
121. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
122. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
123. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
124. Most dogs are immortal.
125. Larry King plays himself.
126. You can stop a runaway car by crashing it into a wall at the bottom of a long hill, but not at the top.
127. The most unstable object in creation is a roadside fruit seller's cart.
128. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
129. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
130. Light level is not a reliable gauge of whether it's night outside. You have to judge by the cricket noises.
131. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
132. All loose ends are always tied up.
Evil Overlords, and Other Genre Clichés
Section A: The Bad Guy
If I Ever Become the Evil Overlord...
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his ludicrously ill-planned attempt to usurp power would fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there are others just as attractive who are not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear stainless-steel bustiers. It's hard on their morale. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has any offspring or younger siblings, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of letting them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
52. I will have a team of board-certified architects and surveyors examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels I don't know about.
53. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. Deformed mutants and oddball psychotics have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old advisor (see above) will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps of my complex they display will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life in the past. This is only reasonable, as it encourages others to do so. However, it's a one-time offer. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. Independent midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty to see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device comes with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off, and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat, instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence, then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I captures the hero's super weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways, and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
101. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me; I'll do it myself.
102. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident; I'm not accountable to anyone, and my other enemies wouldn't believe it anyway.
103. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
104. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
105. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
106. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
107. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
108. Any magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has sacrificed his/her life will be outlawed and destroyed.
109. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and outlander accents shall regularly climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
110. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted that he'll never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
111. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.
112. I will not rely on "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.
113. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot-high double doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
114. I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
115. I will not engage an enemy single-handedly unless all my soldiers are dead.
116. If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
117. No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"
118. If I have equipment which has some important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.
119. I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.
120. Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.
121. If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.
122. The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.
123. If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.
124. Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.
125. Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.
126. Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.
127. Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.
128. I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.
129. Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.
130. All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.
131. I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.
132. Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.
133. If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses, and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.
134. If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for him to pull up alongside me, then try to force him off the road while he tries to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics is useful.)
135. My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)
136. If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.
137. Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.
138. The passageways of my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.
139. If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
140. I will instruct my guards to look for the chamber pot when checking a cell that appears empty. If it's still there, the prisoner has escaped, and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it, or he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.
141. As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.
142. If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep a three-year-old grandchild near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it's necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation that's way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords, and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.
143. If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.
144. I will teach my guards to stand in reasonable formation when they fire at the hero so he cannot duck between them and cause them to accidentally shoot each other.
145. My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.
146. If my surveillance reports any unmanned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.
147. I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.
148. Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.
149. Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.
150. I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".
151. I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.
152. I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.
153. My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.
154. I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.
155. If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.
156. If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.
157. When plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion three days after it's scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.
158. I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.
159. If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.
160. Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.
161. I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not fall into a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a gong before finishing off my enemy.
162. If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.
163. When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.
164. I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.
165. As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.
166. If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.
167. If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.
168. I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.
169. If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.
170. I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.
171. I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rappelling down from above.
172. Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask visitors' name, purpose of visit, and whether they have an appointment, instead of ancient riddles.
173. Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.
174. If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.
175. I will have my fortress exorcised regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.
176. I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.
177. If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.
178. If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero and scan the area behind me. If anything was heading for me, it will now be heading for him.
179. I will not outsource core functions.
180. If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.
181. I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.
182. I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.
183. Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor.
184. I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesotan accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornish accent (if everyone sounds British).
185. If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.
186. I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.
187. I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.
188. I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.
189. I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetent old fool is standing behind the curtain.
190. If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.
191. I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.
192. If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.
193. If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. The fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.
194. I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travelers to entrust them to aged hermits.
195. I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.
196. I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.
197. I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.
198. I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.
199. I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.
200. During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.
201. All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.
202. All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.
203. I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.
204. I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.
205. All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.
206. When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.
207. Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Anyone caught making out in a closet and leaving their station unmanned will be shot.
208. Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good PR for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.
209. I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch, simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.
210. All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.
211. If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.
212. I will not send out battalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
213. I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.
214. If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)
215. If I MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.
216. If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.
217. If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to be-come my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.
218. I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "Its power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.
219. I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempts to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.
220. If I have a single vulnerability, I will fake a different one -- for example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."
221. My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.
222. I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. How-ever if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"
223. I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.
224. I will build machines which simply fail when over-loaded, rather than wiping out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or setting off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".
225. I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.
226. I will have a staff of competent detectives handy. If I learn that someone in a certain village is plotting against me, I will have them find out who rather than wipe out the entire village in a preemptive strike.
227. I will never bait a trap with genuine bait.
228. If the hero claims he wishes to confess in public or to me personally, I will remind him that a notarized deposition will serve just as well.
229. If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set all of them in motion at once rather than wait for them to fail and launch them successively.
230. I will not put off any ritual granting immortality.
The Good Guy
If I Am Ever the Hero...
1. I will maintain no association with sidekicks who employ prostitutes. While such entertainment doubtlessly relieves my comrade of the wearying burden of the Heroic Struggle, the women met in this fashion tend to filch artifacts needed to defeat the Evil Overlord, act as his spies and/or assassins, carry unpleasant diseases, and (worst of all) get me in trouble with my True Love.
2. I will ignore the Evil Overlord's arguments revolving around honor and/or morality. If he were really all that worked up about either, he would never have become an Evil Overlord in the first place.
3. When the Evil Overlord takes hostages, I will presume the hostages dead and hold a memorial service. Any promises made by the Evil Overlord regarding their safe return shall be summarily ignored. My loved ones will be warned to expect this.
4. I will not walk alone and undisguised into a bar in the Evil Overlord's territory in order to meet with an ex-associate who said a bunch of damaging things about me in one of the Evil Overlord's propaganda pieces.
5. When the Evil Overlord is hanging on the cliff by his fingers, I will not try to help him up. If time and means are available, I'll kill him then and there.
6. When I am advised to destroy a magical artifact taken from the Evil Overlord, I will do so.
7. Anyone inquiring after the secret of my strength will be fed a line of plausible baloney as to how this strength can be lost. If the bogus advice is followed, the leak shall be properly investigated.
8. If an associate begins to transform into something large and threatening, I will immediately act to neutralize the threat, and not wait until the transformation is complete. Likewise, if an enemy begins to metamorphose into something else, I will immediately start whacking away at it, instead of watching in fascination.
9. I will take no oath of unquestioning obedience, nor any oath of obedience to persons of unproved character.
10. I will reveal to each comrade a different clue for distinguishing me from an impostor, so that if one of them betrays me and an impostor is sent in my place, the others will still be able to catch on to the charade.
11. I will never assume that an enemy is dead unless the remains are available for examination, and will keep in mind the possibility of cloning technology or resurrection magic.
12. I will employ some manner of surveillance so that when I leave a room and a traitorous comrade gives me the Malicious Scowl or Wicked Leer to my back, I will have ample warning of his impending betrayal.
13. Self-appointed prophets who deliver elliptically-worded warnings will be politely asked to rephrase their utterances in plainer terms. If said prophet refuses the request, a five-year-old child will be asked to explain the meaning of the prophecy.
14. I will waste no time trying to get the rich to join in my rebellion. The only way to stay rich in the Evil Overlord's realm is to collaborate with him, and any rich people who truly feel guilty about this will serve the rebellion better by not openly joining.
15. If my Mentor tells me that I am not yet ready to confront the Evil Overlord, I will quietly accept his judgment and remain to complete my training.
16. If one of the Bad Guys manages to kill my Mentor, I'm clearly not prepared to immediately avenge him; I will retreat and develop my skills.
17. I shall arrange my personal affairs so that it doesn't matter if someone learns my secret identity.
18. If I am granted a vision of the future, I will not try to prevent anything that I see. It never works.
19. If I am forced to make a choice between saving a friend or lover and fulfilling my mission, I will remind myself that failing to accomplish the mission will probably result in their death anyway, and go on with the mission.
20. If I am captured by the Evil Overlord and escape, I will assume that he is tracking me in some manner. If I am going to the hidden rebel base, I'll first go to an alternate location, change clothing, equipment, and means of transportation, and then go to the hidden rebel base.
21. If any of my associates mysteriously disappears, and then returns behaving in an uncharacteristic manner, I will immediately presume that their loyalty has been compromised by the Evil Overlord.
22. Old flames that join the rebellion will be assigned duties that preclude contact with me. This not only protects me from any attempt by the Evil Overlord to use them as agents, but also keeps my True Love from leaving me in a fit of misplaced jealousy.
23. I will presume that the Evil Overlord is working to nullify my secret powers. I shall therefore obtain the means to fight that do not rely on these secret powers.
24. If I enter into alliances with the Evil Overlord, I will bear in mind that the rationale he has given for the alliance is not the Unvarnished Truth, and that he will betray me at the moment most advantageous to him.
25. I will never travel back into the past in order to prevent the current situation. It never works.
26. No matter how sincere he looks, I will never shake the Evil Overlord's hand.
27. When my powerful wizard friend fails to return at the appointed time, I won't wait until after my birthday to start my Perilous Journey. I will set out immediately.
28. Anything that appears to have been too easy--escaping the Evil Overlord's fortress, defeating the Eldritch Horror, etc.--probably was too easy.
29. If the Evil Overlord invites me to go on a hunt with him, I will decline the invitation.
30. If I have a copy of the Evil Overlord's plans and my capture is imminent, I will not send the only copy of those plans away with a cute little sidekick. I will make many copies of the plans and send them away with many cute little sidekicks.
31. If I maintain a secret identity, I will keep my transformation ritual as simple and quick as possible so that I cannot be interrupted during it.
32. I will not keep information secret in order to prevent widespread hysteria; it never works.
33. My fortress will include a holding room for any annoying kids, nerds, would-be love interests and other wannabe-types who follow me there and insist on joining my group. They will be kept in this room until the Evil Overlord is defeated. If there are holodecks available, I will throw the wannabe into it while he/she is asleep and activate the Epic Adventure program.
34. When the Evil Overlord's Seductive Daughter tries to subvert me through her womanly wiles, I will keep in mind the diseases she is likely to have caught from all the netherworldly creatures with whom she is probably also consorting, as well as the possibility that the Evil Overlord has a hidden camera/crystal ball trained on me and is forcing my True Love to watch.
35. I will not needlessly expose myself to enemy gunfire, hand-to-hand combat, or dogfights.
36. There are three dimensions in space. I do not have to attack in the same plane as the opponent.
37. I will not count on other rebels being as self-sacrificing as I.
38. I do not need to give the Overlord a fair chance. Shooting him in the back works for me.
39. I will never say "This one is mine!" and engage in a one-on-one struggle with the Evil Overlord or any of his henchmen; however, I might say "This one is mine!" and stand back while my comrades, by prior arrangement, pump all available firepower into the now-distracted target.
40. If my village allies defeat the elite forces of the Evil Overlord, I will take a few minutes to learn how they did it and incorporate the information gained into my strategies.
41. If my True Love is captured and forced into marriage with the Evil Overlord, I will not attempt to rescue her until after the ceremony, unless said ceremony will irrevocably harm or alter her in some way.
42. If she doesn't already know, I shall train my True Love in the art of unarmed combat, so that when the Evil Overlord uses her as a human shield she can slam her heel between his legs.
43. Likewise, if she doesn't already know, I shall train my True love in the art of armed combat, to the extent that her natural talents allow.
44. If through skill or luck I defeat a better-armed opponent, I will at least try to get his/her/its weapons.
45. When I and my companions sneak into the Evil Overlord's stronghold through some unorthodox route such as the main drain, and it appears to be completely unguarded, we will stop and discuss possible explanations for that observation, rather than simply praising our good luck and pressing blithely on.
46. After killing a few dozen faceless, anonymous grunts in the Legion of Doom without a second thought, I will not suddenly take a merciful attitude with the Evil Overlord, his family, his lieutenants, or anyone else with a speaking part.
47. When I kill one of the Evil Overlord's deer, I will not lug it to his castle and wave it in his face just to make some obscure point, only to wind up having to fight my way out of his castle. I'll just take it home and enjoy some venison.
48. I will remember that if the Bad Guy tries to kill enough people, no one will mind too much if I kill him instead of merely disarming him. Especially if it looks like an accident.
49. If I am offered two explanations for a phenomenon, one logical and scientific and the other a load of New Age claptrap, I will accept the scientific explanation.
50. My robots will be programmed to speak only when they have something useful to say. That way I will not be tempted to ignore them when they have critical information.
51. When I state my intention to do something and one of my robots interrupts me, I will at least hear it out.
52. I will wear different outfits from day to day, so that the Evil Overlord's henchmen will not be able to spot me at a glance.
53. If I lose a hand and have it replaced with a prosthesis, the prosthesis will have a functional weapon built in to it. I can use it to surprise Bad Guys and open canned goods.
54. I will not have sex with anyone before a battle. They will either die or betray me during the battle.
55. High-sounding directives notwithstanding, I will never value culture above sentient life.
56. If I get incriminating evidence about an enemy or a superior, I will make several copies, and store each in a different location. I will not surrender the sole copy to anyone. If ordered to destroy the copies, I will do so, after first making more copies.
57. I will not try to make comrades run faster by yanking on their arms. I will instead advise them to stop turning around to look at the pursuing danger (rats, lava, etc.).
58. I will not make the sidekick wait somewhere while I go on ahead. He'll only get into worse trouble than he otherwise would.
59. Every member of the rebellion will have DNA tests to bring any existing blood relationships to light.
60. When five seconds can mean the difference between the survival and destruction of the galaxy, I will keep my wistful expressions of undying fealty, love, or regret to a minimum.
61. After knocking out a bad guy, I will kill him silently if I can, cripple him silently if I can't kill him, or disarm him if I can neither kill nor cripple him. If I fail to do any of these, he will come to and jump me from behind.
62. My loyal, trusted and heavily armed bodyguards will always be on hand.
63. I will never leave my True Love and/or family unguarded unless they can defend themselves.
64. I will always pack as much firepower as I can.
65. I will never allow my people to speak to prisoners alone, but I will sometimes appear to do so.
66. I will maintain constant surveillance on all prisoners in case one of my people tries something behind my back.
67. If I discover a mysterious pod in my home, barn, spaceship, or alien territory, I will not stick my face into it or pick it up to see if it is alive. Instead I will have it examined via remote-controlled robot.
68. I will not trust a being with an inordinate number of tentacles.
69. I will always read the fine print.
70. Being captured by the Evil Overlord is one way to learn his secret plans, but there are innumerable other ways that are better, and they will be tried first.
71. My weapon of choice will be the one that allows the greatest distance between me and my target.
72. When I am forced to decide which of two identical people is the Trusted Ally and which is the Evil Doppelganger, I will stun them both and sort things out in the brig.
73. When I make my escape from the Evil Overlord's encampment, I will sabotage as much of the enemy's pursuit capacity (horses, jeeps, rocket bikes, etc) as opportunity permits, sparing only enough for the use of my companions and me.
74. If my trusty sidekick always blurts out the fact that I am carrying the most powerful magic object in the world, then I will get a sidekick who is less of a blabbermouth.
75. No robots serving with me will be permitted to have emotion chips.
76. I will be courteous to all, whether friend, foe, or neutral. Especially neutral.
77. I will wear a utility belt. Not everything I need will be kept there, but I will pretend that I am helpless without it in order to fool the Evil Overlord.
78. I will treat law enforcement officials with respect, permit them to handle affairs that are within their capacity, and solicit their advice when circumstances allow. This will establish mutual respect and a good rapport.
79. If I have a weakness, I will look for a Sidekick who does not share it. Failing that, I will form a mutual-support association with a Hero not sharing this weakness.
80. When sneaking into the fortress of the Evil Overlord, I will disguise myself as someone whose normal behavior I can emulate.
81. If I am in dire straits due to a lack of the rare substance that fuels my ship, I will scan my environs for supplies of the substance, paying especial attention to the natives' jewelry and other decorative artifacts.
82. My guards will be instructed so that when a voice around the corner says "come here," they will assume the speaker to be an intruder and respond accordingly.
83. If I am forced to retreat after being ambushed by overwhelming forces, I will not run home where it's safe; whoever is behind the ambush probably has plans for me when I get there.
84. I almost certainly have an Evil Twin running around somewhere, if not by birth then as a creation of the Evil Overlord. I will keep an eye out for him, and plan accordingly.
85. I will never allow fashion sense to prevent me from carrying whatever is useful or needful for the Heroic Struggle.
86. When the Evil Overlord tries to guilt-trip me by claiming that I'll be responsible for something he plans to do if I don't cooperate with him, I'll mercilessly quote Ayn Rand to him.
87. If the Evil Overlord wears a mask hiding his features, it's either because he doesn't want to be recognized or because he's bodaciously ugly. I will psych myself up for the shock resulting from either cause when I rip the mask off of him.
88. When someone opens the Eldritch Portal to Hell, and I have the means to close it, I will employ said means immediately, and not stop to explain things to everyone.
89. People who whine about not being trusted are either (a.) Operatives for the Evil Overlord; (b.) Mind-controlled by the Evil Overlord; (c.) Totally clueless about concepts like OPSEC and need-to-know; or (d.) Dangerously neurotic and/or immature; and are consequently not to be trusted.
90. If a mystic proclaims that my destiny is to "defeat the darkness," "bring freedom to the downtrodden," or some such other glorious accomplishment, I will immediately begin preparations for the role. I will not wait for the mystic and several other innocents to get rubbed out by the Evil Overlord.
91. If my powers depend on a talisman in my possession, I will never openly display it, but keep it hidden in my codpiece/brassiere; a flashy, gaudy article of jewelry, having no mystical potency of any kind, will be brandished when I employ my super powers.
92. I will begin my lifelong fight against crime immediately upon discovery of my powers, instead of withholding my assistance from the police, thereby allowing a minor criminal to escape and murder one of my loved ones.
93. When I am about to enter the Evil Overlord's hideout, I will have it surrounded by friendly forces so that they can detain him if he sneaks out the back door while I kick down the front door.
94. If I discover that one of my comrades in the Heroic Struggle has a Dark Secret (i.e., is passing as the opposite gender, is a close relative of the Evil Overlord, etc.), I will not dismiss them without further justification.
95. The assistance of politicians will be obtained by appealing to their self-interest. Any politician who appears to be cooperating with me out of the kindness of his heart is actually plotting to betray me at some point.
96. If my Mentor is slain in combat with the Evil Overlord or his henchmen, I will withdraw quietly, instead of shouting "Noooooo!" at the top of my lungs.
97. Mountains and castles that are shaped like skulls, hideous faces, fists, etc., are the very Lairs of Evil. All visits will be planned accordingly.
98. Female sidekicks who are loyal and dependable make much better True Loves than do vain, pampered princesses who never give me the time of day.
99. I will ascertain the whereabouts of all relatives and possible progeny from past love affairs. It's a sure bet that the ones for whom I cannot account are now working for, or actually might be, the Evil Overlord.
100. I will not spurn the assistance of a hermit/scholar merely because my other associates claim he is insane.
101. If I find myself born or drafted into a universe wherein the laws of nature do not obey consistent principles, I will depart for an alternate universe created by a more reasonable author.
If I Am Ever a Starfleet Captain...
102. I will design my ship's tactical systems so that I do not have to personally direct every single shot fired.
103. I will put surge suppressors in the circuitry of my ship, so that a shot striking some distant portion does not cause a control panel on the bridge to explode.
104. I will design my ships so that command and control functions cannot be hot-wired from a wall panel in the recreation bay.
105. I will design redundancy into all ship systems, so that the loss of one component will not cripple the entire vessel.
106. When combat is imminent, my ship's computer will be programmed so that enemy troops beaming aboard will be immediately beamed into empty space, or the originating ship's reactor core if possible. It will also deliver a kilo of antimatter to the bridge of the ship in question.
107. When the enemy ship decloaks and is arming weapons, I will immediately open fire on it, instead of waiting for it to fire three or four times.
108. When a comrade defects to the enemy, I will have all passwords changed, and as soon as it is practical I will have the computer disconnected, its memory flushed, and the approved software reloaded from the original secured CD-ROMs.
109. Anyone who cannot be entertained by books, music, a good game of cards and a well-stocked bar will not be allowed to crew my ship. Hence there will be no need for a holodeck on my ship.
110. After capturing a space station from an enemy, I will have the enemy's computer systems removed, melted down into slag, and dumped into the nearest stellar object. A new computer will then be installed.
111. If a crew member is a sanctimonious coward who continually gets us all into trouble through his greed, I shall, after the third or fourth episode of this behavior, act to preserve myself and other comrades only, and let him be destroyed by the mess he made for himself.
112. Under no circumstance will I agree to not develop or employ any particular technology.
113. If I have a technologically superior foe who is intent on eliminating my whole civilization, and I am offered a means of utterly annihilating this foe for all time, I will use it.
114. I will install seatbelts in my space vessels, and have pressure suits and pressure locks at regular intervals.
115. Technology that chronically malfunctions will be removed from my ship.
116. To prevent the computer from being reprogrammed by every Tom, Dick and Harry that sneaks on board, its software will be stored in ROM chips that are soldered to the motherboard; RAM will be reserved for data only.
117. I will design the greatest possible degree of manual back-up into my space vessels, so that when my on-board computer begins to act strangely, I can power it down via a switch located next to my seat on the bridge, and yet not be left totally helpless.
118. I will not allow anyone to read the technical manuals and blueprints of my ship unless they work in Ops or Engineering and therefore have a need-to-know. All personnel will be properly cleared prior to assignment to Ops or Engineering. The technical manuals and blueprints of a totally fictitious craft will be freely available.
119. If my ship's drive or weapons systems require lengthy charge times between uses, I shall research and develop equipment that can handle a heavier duty cycle.
120. My ship's computer will have a clock rate of at least one megahertz and be programmed in C or assembler so that important calculations take a few milliseconds instead of an hour or so.
121. If a member of my crew can perfectly mimic my voice giving the commands to take control of my ship, additional security measures they cannot mimic will be added, such as palmprints or retinal scans.
122. If my ship is constantly being bugged, robbed, invaded, or taken over, I will replace my security officer, no matter how cool a character he is.
123. If knowledge of the operating frequency of a ship's system aids in efforts to disable that system, I will employ an arcane development known as "frequency-hopping."
124. Before letting crewmembers take leave on a planet, I will ensure that they are welcome and that its government recognizes concepts like Rule of Law, Trial by Jury, Presumption of Innocence, and so forth. I will also check out the local laws so that none of my crew ends up on death row for scratching his nose in public or some other stupid thing.
125. If one of my crewmembers is unjustly imprisoned and/or condemned, and the officials with whom I speak express a marked disinterest in his actual guilt or innocence, I will not waste time trying to gather exonerating evidence. Instead, I will immediately mount a rescue mission.
126. When beaming into hostile territory I will instruct my transporter chief to beam me into a defensible position, with the landing party facing outwards in a circle. I will have my weapon in my hand (not my pocket) before I beam down.
127. If I beam off of a vessel that is still hostile, I will arrange to leave behind as large an explosive device as I can obtain.
128. I will not have both rotating and non-rotating sections on a ship. If I need rotational gravity, I will spin the whole ship. Any navigational computer that cannot deal with this will be replaced with one that can.
129. I will follow the advice of my Chief Medical Officer. If I am not at 100% of my usual level of physical fitness, I will stick to desk duty unless the fate of something genuinely important hangs in the balance.
130. I will assume that all super-weapons are operational until proven otherwise, especially if they appear to be unguarded.
131. All critical data and software will be backed up in off-line storage.
132. A random alien's claims about his/her/its race's cultural values and attitudes will be given no more credence than a random human's claims about human cultural values and attitudes.
133. My crew shall be trained in the fine arts of tactical combat, such as dispersing assets, walking point, advance, flank and rear guards, etc.
134. I will not throw infantry into close-quarter combat with creatures of leviathan stature, but shall turn such affairs over to the artillery crew.
135. If my ship is whisked to the far side of the galaxy, leaving us with a seventy-year journey home, and a super-being offers to take us home instantly in exchange for having his baby, I'll agree and ask what we can get for two babies.
136. If anyone beams down and their personal communicator drops carrier, all life forms within ten meters of the last known location shall be beamed directly to the brig. A large well-armed security detail will be waiting.
137. The people in charge of Sick Bay, Engineering, and R&D will not be the only people staffing those functions, nor shall they accompany away teams.
138. I will not ask "What does God need with a space ship?" and then order a torpedo strike. I will order the torpedo strike first, and ponder theology on the trip home.
139. My people will be assigned duties commensurate with their skills. I will not task pilots with leading a ground assault, infiltrating enemy camps, etc.
140. If I board a derelict ship, and it appears that the former crew and passengers all died in some horrible fashion, I will immediately leave the ship, destroy it, and toss the wreckage into the nearest stellar object.
141. If I am in red alert status and discover that it was a false alarm, I will stay in red alert for a while before standing down.
142. Anyone I imprison will be stripped, scanned, and given a prison uniform. This will prevent them from assembling weapons from pieces hidden in their regular clothes.
143. Any crew member who begins to act strangely will be immediately relieved of duty and confined to the sick bay, pending a complete screening to determine if their personality has been subverted.
144. I will not let the Whiz Kid conduct research aboard my ship. If he's got a theory that he's itching to test, I will deposit him on an uninhabited planet in friendly space, and make sure that I'm out of the system before he's done unpacking.
145. I will not depart the starbase unless my complement of Marines are on board.
146. I will hold repel-boarders drills on my ship. These drills will be held at random hours so that everyone learns what in Klotho's name they're supposed to be doing, no matter what the circumstances.
147. My junior officers will be notified that Academy cadets cannot be field-commissioned, and should they come upon a ship crewed entirely by such, they will immediately take command and return them to where they can receive adult supervision.
148. I will never send the infantry down on missions that are better suited for orbital bombardment.
149. If the issued zap guns have "stun" and "kill" modes, they will be set to the former only when the user is about to fire at something that is wanted alive.
150. If my opponent can adapt to various forms of attack, rendering them useless, I will use some imagination and start attacking in as many different ways as possible.
Section C: Auxiliary Characters (Evil)
Tips for the Evil Henchman:
1. Avoid getting sent to rough up the Hero. Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going 'round to beat up the good guys is a sure ticket to the bottom of the Thames. Remember, however, that all Heroes get roughed up at least once, so if this has never happened to the Hero, go for it!
2. Avoid killing people not actively involved in the rebellion; the Evil Overlord has enough enemies as it is. Especially don't kill relatives, significant others, or best friends of the Hero. Normally after the Evil Overlord is overthrown, henchmen can get off with a few hundred hours of community service, but if you off the Hero's loved ones, he'll make lasagna out of you.
3. Unless the Evil Overlord pays extra for indiscriminate slaughter, avoid it. Why should you give your services away for free?
4. As tempting as it may be, never try to ravish the Evil Overlord's beautiful-but-wicked daughter. She can probably mop the floor with you. Daddy will not try to stop her.
5. Learn where the trap door is in Evil Overlord's audience chamber. Avoid standing there, especially when bad news is brought to the Evil Overlord.
6. As soon as the evil lord has the Hero in his power, seek the nearest available escape route. The fewmets are about to hit the windmill.
7. Learn to distinguish Heroes from Sidekicks. Heroes are usually taller and more somber, while Sidekicks dress with more flair and tell more jokes. Taking on the Hero when you only have enough manpower/firepower to take on the Sidekick will earn you an all-expenses-paid trip on Stygian Cruise Lines.
8. Never allow yourself to be provoked into doing anything stupid by insults from the Hero or Sidekicks.
9. No matter how attractive the captured heroine is or how seductively she bats her eyes, she really does not want to sleep with you. Do not unlock the cell door.
10. If the hero gives you a chance to surrender or flee, take it.
11. If you surrender to the Hero, don't try to stab him when his back is turned; the Sidekick will get you first.
12. If the seemingly helpless person you have just cornered is confident and unafraid despite being outnumbered and surrounded, you have encountered a Hero in disguise. Run while you still can.
13. If the Hero you are sent after dresses entirely in black, he is even more dangerous than the Evil Overlord suspects; double all requisitions for men and firepower.
14. Practice your "accidental" sword/gun dropping technique. It's the only thing that can save you when the Hero is winning.
15. When you have someone at gunpoint and that person says "you haven't got the guts to kill me," disprove his/her hypothesis.
16. The Evil Overlord will not risk his life to save yours. Why risk yours for his?
17. If the Hero is using you as a human shield and the Evil Overlord asks you if the Doomsday Weapon is prepared, say "no."
18. If the Evil Overlord orders you to kill some prisoners and then departs for business elsewhere, leave as quickly as possible; there is about to be a successful rescue attempt.
19. Never allow yourself to be turned into a vicious, ravening beast to defeat the Hero. It never works, and you girlfriend will not understand. She will dump you for one of the Good Guys.
20. Never hold hostages at point-blank range. Anyone quick enough to even back into the role of Hero can punch you out faster than you can pull the trigger.
21. When disposing of bodies, dump them in the Evil Overlord's territory, and not in neighboring lands presently outside of his control.
22. Find out where the Evil Overlord has installed the self-destruct switch for his secret base (the real switch, not the decoy), and disable it at the first opportunity. The base will get blown up anyway, but this way your chances of escaping are better.
23. Don't let the Evil Overlord use you as a lab animal.
24. If you can't avoid being used as a guinea pig by the Evil Overlord, any powers you gain from the experiment will make it needful for the Hero to kill you at some point during the Heroic Struggle. Change sides and take your just revenge.
25. There is no need to yell when you are attacking the Hero. Especially when you're doing it from behind.
26. The recommended method for checking to see if the Hero is still alive is to shoot him in the head.
Guidelines for Legion of Doom Troops:
27. Before performing guard duty, familiarize yourself with the sound of a tossed pebble, and learn to avoid being distracted by it.
28. When performing guard duty, do not stare continually in one direction, but take a moment now and then to look around.
29. And while you're pulling guard duty, if anyone shows up with a prisoner transfer or maintenance job, and you don't know about it, arrest them on the spot.
30. When you are fighting intruders, do not fight them quietly, but yell "Intruder!" while you still have breath.
31. When issued armor or uniforms that contrast with the service environment, respectfully inquire after more sensibly-colored attire.
32. Get plenty of firearms practice, and shoot at the Hero, not at the ground around him; kicking up lots of dirt looks cool, but it won't stop the Hero.
33. Don't attack the hero alone or in pairs. The Evil Overlord hired a million of you for a reason.
34. Learn how to lead from the rear and command from afar, just like the Evil Overlord does.
35. Exercise care in the abuse of oppressed peoples. Farm implements can be effective weapons in the hands of a skilled opponent, and some of those little old men can teach you a thing or two about hand-to-hand combat. It would be just your luck for the villager you pick on to actually be the Hero masquerading as one of the villagers.
36. Test your armor's ability to stop a minimum of one sword thrust or laser blast, and if it does not give at least this much protection, respectfully inquire after something better.
37. Make sure that your headgear allows for a useful field of vision.
38. Remember that if the Hero and/or his comrades are being purposely allowed to escape, there is no need for you to get killed in your effort to "prevent" the escape.
39. If a prisoner suddenly takes ill, notify the Evil Overlord and await his instructions. Do not go into the cell to examine him/her yourself.
40. If you're on patrol and your partner mysteriously disappears, call for backup before you go look for him.
41. If your unit's name contains words like "Imperial", "Elite", "Supreme", "Tactical", "Storm" or "Special", request a transfer as soon as possible. These guys always get clobbered first when the Heroes attack.
Tips for the Trusted Lieutenant:
42. When the hero or his sidekicks are at your mercy, don't stop to gloat.
43. If you can't resist gloating, don't boast about the reward you expect to receive from your master for bringing them in or killing them off.
44. If you gloat and boast, don't be surprised if a comrade of the person you have at your mercy jumps you from behind while you're distracted with your boasting.
45. If you fail to complete your mission, skip town. Returning to the Evil Overlord to report on your failure will usually get you killed.
46. While the Evil Overlord is gloating over his anticipated success in the venture he is about to launch, it is considered impolite to ask "And if you fail?" You probably won't be flogged, maimed, or killed for your temerity, but why risk it?
47. Never wear gender-inappropriate underwear in a sword-rich environment. The Hero will slice your suspenders or cut off your trouser buttons, exposing you to ridicule.
48. If you find the Evil Overlord's beautiful daughter consorting with the hero, take her bribes but turn her in.
49. If you follow orders and fail, the Evil Overlord will claim he told you to do something different, and you will be blamed. If you disobey orders and succeed, the EO will act as if what you did was his idea, and you will be commended. The Moral: Do what works.
50. Find out what happened to your predecessor. Learn from it.
51. Always arrange to have a scapegoat.
52. Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, accept responsibility for failure.
Tips for the Evil Overlord's Wicked but Beautiful Daughter:
53. Make a point of finding out all those lovely little family secrets so that the Hero can never spring them on you.
54. Do not fall in love with the Hero.
55. If you fall in love with the Hero, and decide to help him, do not declare your intentions to Daddy. He'll just clap you in irons pending execution. Of course the Hero will rescue you, but it's demeaning.
56. If the Hero takes you to his secret base, and once there tells all about his plans, smile sweetly, leave, and find another man. This Hero is obviously so stupid he will not be around for very long.
57. If any of Daddy's Evil Henchmen try to make a move on you, maim them at least. While the encounter might be interesting, it would set a bad precedent.
58. If you fall in love with the Hero, and want him to return your affection, don't use a drug concocted by a wizened old lady living on the top of a mountain. If the hero is not blind, your natural charms will be sufficient to win him over. If he prefers some tramp of a princess, then he obviously has rotten taste; find someone better.
59. If you fall in love with the Hero, and learn that he has a True Love, investigate the relationship. If she has never returned his affection, the position is still open to competition (but you will first have to work as the Hero's Sidekick for a while).
60. Don't wear dresses with high, fan-like collars. Stick with close-fitting, simple little numbers that let you turn your head to see behind you. If for some reason you have to wear a dress with a high collar, there's an arcane device called a "mirror" that will help you watch your back.
61. Have some engineers install a hidden exit from the room where Daddy imprisoned Mommy for the rest of her days after she displeased him.
62. Do not mistreat the populace. Let Daddy be the one to make enemies of all the Heroes in the land.
63. If you have siblings, do not trust them. They'll only use you shamelessly. Of course if they're stupid enough to trust you, use them shamelessly.
64. If any of your sibs try to enlist your help to overthrow Daddy, smile, agree, and then turn them in. They're either stupid (in which case their plot will fail and you'll get caught), or setting you up (in which case not turning them in is a very bad idea), or they've turned Good (in which case life under the new regime would be boring).
65. Laugh at all of the Sidekick's jokes, no matter how lame they are. That way when you pretend to fall for him he will be more easily fooled.
66. Don't just be an attractive stage prop. Make sure you know every detail of the running of the Evil Empire, so that if anything unpleasant happens to Daddy, the transition of power will go smoothly. Then make sure that something unpleasant happens to Daddy.
67. Make up your mind now whether you want to marry the Hero or slowly cut him into little pieces. Do not attempt the latter until you have given up on the former.
68. Daddy's Trusted Lieutenant works for Daddy. If he catches you cavorting with the Hero, he will gleefully take whatever you offer for his silence, and then turn you in anyway.
Tips for the Evil Overlord's Accountant:
69. Keep a set of books listing those activities of the Evil Overlord that would be a credit to Gandhi. Show these records to anyone who cares to see them.
70. Keep a second set of books that lists the activities in the first set of books, plus those activities that look fishy at a cursory glance, but on closer examination are perfectly within the letter of the law, or maybe just bend it a little. Show these books to auditors who aren't fooled by the first set of books, and then only when the Evil Overlord has no choice but to allow examination. Keep them a bit untidy so that anyone looking at them will think you were caught with your pants down.
71. Keep a third set of books, listing everything the Evil Overlord is up to. Show these books to the Evil Overlord when he wants to see them. Show them to nobody else. Store them in thermite-packed cabinets so that they can be destroyed with extreme speed.
72. Keep a fourth set of books, listing the locations and passwords for the bulk of the Evil Overlord's loot, including the Plundered Crown Jewels. Use this information to bargain for your miserable cowardly life when the Hero defeats the Evil Overlord.
73. Keep a fifth set of books, listing the locations and passwords for a small portion of the Evil Overlord's loot, in the form of unmarked and untraceable cash. Use this information to set yourself up for retirement after the Evil Overlord is overthrown.
74. When the Hero and his allies storm the Evil Overlord's castle, hide under the Sturdy Oak Table with the other Sly Advisors until the fighting stops. If the Evil Overlord wins, it's back to business as usual; your sniveling cowardice will only stoke the Evil Overlord's feelings of superiority over you, so you will not be punished. If the Hero wins, thank the Hero for freeing you from the Evil Overlord's mind control, then show him where the Plundered Crown Jewels are kept. When nobody's looking, get the portion of the Evil Overlord's loot that you have earmarked for your retirement fund and retire.
75. Do not bother the Evil Overlord with the details of finances; math bores him. Simply remember his net worth at any given moment and be prepared to supply that figure on demand.
76. Do not embezzle from the Evil Overlord, unless you are able to cover the discrepancy by exaggerating the losses incurred by the bumbling of the Evil Overlord's other henchmen, and then only when said henchmen are dead.
Tips for Evil Geniuses:
77. I will not experiment on myself.
78. I will not transplant my mind into the Hero's brain when my test monkey is still in the laboratory.
79. None of my super-weapons will have a "reverse" switch.
80. My secret lab/lair will have excellent ventilation, automatic sprinklers, and halon extinguishers handy at every bench.
81. My glass flask holders, test tube racks, and bunsen-burner-heated apparati will be anchored to the floor or wall, not balanced precariously on a wobbly table.
82. Any ability-enhancing formula that has potential degenerative or addictive effects may be suitable to use on the Controlled Masses, but not on myself.
83. My high-energy sealed test chamber will only be operable from the outside by the combination of my hand and retinal print. If someone has relieved me of my hand and eye to get them, I'd rather be dead anyway.
84. If I can splice genes to create a 60-meter-long killer cockroach, I can also insert in said creation a susceptibility to my custom formula of Raid, which I can carry in a convenient key chain mace canister.
85. Experimental monster creations will not only have one immediately lethal vulnerability only I can exploit, but until my Diabolical Plan is ready to implement, they will also have an addiction to a material only I can supply, without which they will die in a day or two.
86. I will always have an open airplane ticket to New Zealand on hand in case my current project escapes my laboratory, starts mutating beyond control, or starts talking back to me in a belligerent fashion.
87. I will personally select the brain to be used in my life-creation experiment.
88. If I need one liter of my secret formula to implement my Diabolical Plan, I will produce ten liters and store the other nine safely in different caches.
89. I will always carry the antidote on my person. But it will be in a vial marked 'poison reserve.' The poison reserve will be in the vial marked 'antidote.'
90. If I am working on an optical mind control device, I will remove all extraneous mirrors from the lab and wear polarized contact lenses at all times.
91. I will test the strength, power, and weaknesses of all monsters I create. Better to pull back and send two monsters next time than lose one due to simple poor planning.
92. Experiments requiring a human test subject shall be performed on kidnapped anti-social bums who live alone in large cities, not someone whose disappearance will be noticed, like a coed at the local high school.
93. If I really must experiment on a teenage girl, I will not choose the buxom cheerleader whose courageous and handsome boyfriend is captain of the football team. Instead, I will choose the mousy quiet girl whose only boyfriend is the nervous head of the Dungeons and Dragons club, whom I can probably co-opt if I need to.
94. I will remember that any robot/device/mental power that can be remotely controlled from ten feet can, with sufficient preparation, effort, and/or energy, be remotely controlled from 100 miles or more.
95. Feeding of Ravenous Caged Beasts will be taken care of my redundant, automatic Beast Feeders or, if the compound is well sealed by me, extraneous underlings. No underling (especially one with a girlfriend to impress) will ever be given the keys to the cages.
96. My Android Armies will be capable of independent action, and will not rely on a central brain for coordination. Further, they will have logic-loop rejection procedures to prevent paralysis by "Everything I say is a lie" type statements.
Tips for evil cult members:
97. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of an amateur.
98. Familiarize yourself with the specs for sacrificial victims, and make sure that unacceptable substitutes aren't introduced into the ceremony. If the penalty for not-to-spec work is death and/or mutilation, consider working for a more fault-tolerant deity.
99. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your deity's name in private before chanting it in public. Flash cards are helpful. Be very careful to pronounce only one syllable at a time; some deities pop up at every mention of their name, and expect to have an acceptable sacrifice waiting for them.
100. Before agreeing to impregnation by a supernatural being, investigate the survival rate of the other women who have undergone the procedure.
101. Never invoke anything bigger than your head.
102. Eschew deities whose followers are all young; such faith groups usually employ an unpleasant retirement procedure.
103. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight--it attracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen, and supernatural creatures, and it can be downright dangerous during thunderstorms. Its jingling also tends to warn the hero of your approach.
104. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. And pastel-colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like direct sunlight to the Powers of Darkness.
105. If the spirit contacted during a séance begins offering financial advice, you're dealing with a con artist, and not a genuine medium.
106. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cab fare, and change.
107. Fluorescent lighting is very annoying to most netherworldly creatures.
108. If a Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.
109. Followers who have a speech impediment should be excused from speaking parts in any and all ceremonies. The mispronunciation of the deity's name can have catastrophic effects.
110. Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample concealment.
111. If the ritual site has some strange powder sprinkled around that wasn't there the last time, postpone all ceremonies until the site is verified.
112. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of cult members could be saved every year if they followed this simple safety tip.
113. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.
114. During ritual sacrifices, it's considered bad form to take bits home "for later".
115. Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims before the ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic deity have never been witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.
116. Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the ritual goes awry, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to pump full of silver bullets and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B complex, and a good hot bath.
117. Never play strip Tarot.
118. Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature, can stand against one who is true to his faith, his god/goddess, and the deal made in exchange for the soul. However, it is also true that gods tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat.
119. For those situations where a fresh, living, sacrifice is not available, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from Spam is right out.
120. Instead of picking human victims who are young, virginal and innocent (and tend to turn out to be the Hero's girlfriend), see if you can substitute mass murderers, lawyers, school board members, and other people who won't be missed.
121. Register the copyrights on your chants, so you'll have a leg up when some long-haired, dope-smoking, maggot-infested rock group plagiarizes them for a fast buck.
122. Do not allow your mental condition to degrade any further than the obligations of your deity require. A good psychiatrist helps.
Advice for Aliens and Monsters on the Rampage
123. Inoculate before invasion.
124. Don't terrorize around nuclear power stations.
125. No matter how pretty the girl is, leave her alone. It's almost guaranteed that your anatomies (not to mention your biologies) are incompatible.
126. If your planet desperately needs women, chances are you can get them without invasion by simply offering job and pay equity.
127. Don't route all power through the Mothership.
128. Don't climb tall buildings to evade capture unless you can fly from the top.
129. Always pretend to be immune to gunfire. People will only shoot at you if they think it'll do some good.
130. Don't lay your eggs in a major metropolitan subway system. Find a nice secluded cave.
131. If you can outbreed your enemies, don't go for the brute force takeover.
Section D: Auxiliary Characters (Good)
If I Am Ever the Sidekick...
1. If the hero tells me to stay put while he goes on ahead, I will do so instead of sneaking around and getting captured.
2. When selecting a love interest, I will keep an eye out for the spunky, moderately attractive tomboy type who is about my height. The stunningly beautiful ones are probably spies from the Evil Overlord, and are only trying to sweet-talk valuable information out of me or tempt me over to the other side.
3. Optimism and survival appear to correlate negatively. If I find myself hopeful at all times about human nature, I will verify the status of my insurance policies.
4. I will strive to complement the Hero's skills instead of duplicating them. If I am the most inventive person ever born, I will cultivate those talents instead of trying to become another swashbuckler.
5. I will coordinate all Heroic Struggle-related activities with the Hero. If I can't tell him what I'm doing, I probably shouldn't be doing it.
6. I will not go to town for information if I am routinely beaten to a pulp for doing so.
7. I will exercise caution during the Heroic Struggle. Neither the depth of the Hero's anguish over my death nor the heat of his fury to avenge me will bring me back from the dead.
8. I will try to stay quiet and sober most of the time. If I get drunk and sing bawdy songs at the top of my lungs, I will attract prostitutes who are really working for the Evil Overlord.
9. If I am tasked to carry a very important message, I will make copies and use FedEx to get them to their destination.
10. When the beautiful captured spy offers me sexual favors, I'll decline; it's only a trick to kill me and escape.
11. If I take up the profession of arms, I will not necessarily ape the Hero's fashion sense. Specifically, I will have sleeves on my shirt, and the shirt will be buttoned.
12. If my partner is named Dirty Harry, I should realize that there is a reason for that and ask for a transfer.
13. Before accepting the role of Sidekick, I will learn how the position became vacant.
14. If the Hero sends me out on some errand, I will go, perform the task, and return. I will not drop by the tavern for a tankard of ale.
15. If the Hero does something that hurts my feelings, I shall presume that it was an honest mistake. I will not go wandering off by myself in a fit of self-pity, only to be captured by the Evil Overlord.
16. I will inform the Hero and his associates of any embarrassing secrets, so that the Evil Overlord cannot use them to blackmail me.
17. If I am flying a one-man craft which is critically damaged, I will eject. Only if the ejector seat fails will I belt out a long, despairing, agonized scream as I fly the craft into an enemy structure.
18. If the Hero has any extra-nifty weapons or armor, I will try to obtain like items for myself.
19. I will not wear a red shirt when beaming down to a planet.
20. I will not tell the Hero about my plans to settle down after the Evil Overlord is overthrown.
21. I will never open a package addressed to the Hero, or pick up his laundry, or perform other personal tasks on his behalf.
22. When the Hero tosses me his car keys, I will toss them back, and take the bus. Let the car bomb blow him up for a change.
23. I will not die and be brought back to life by the Hero with such frequency that the fans say I have a revolving door in the afterlife.
24. I will make plans for disposal of my body after I have died, so the Evil Overlord cannot use it for insidious reasons of his own.
25. Someone involved in the Heroic Struggle has an identical twin out there. I'll plan accordingly.
26. If I find a pit, I will not throw a rock into it to see how deep it is, unless this information is actually needed for some reason.
27. If I fall in love with the Hero's True Love, I will inform the Hero first, and then the True Love, so that they can help me get over it and find someone else.
28. If I fall in love with someone else, I will tell him/her now, and not shyly procrastinate, thereby dooming the object of my affection to perish just as I was getting up the courage to make my feelings known.
29. If the Hero calls for me from some dark place I did not expect him to be, I'll hit the place with some manner of illumination, ask for the password, and proceed with the utmost caution.
30. If the Hero wants me to go get something, I'll arrange for delivery. If this is not available, I'll take along a few faithful comrades. At no time will these services be performed at night.
31. If the Hero is fated to slay certain entities, the Evil Overlord in particular, this means that I will not slay them, and I should avoid trying.
32. If the Hero warns me that my girlfriend is a Servant of Evil, I am in a perverse quandary. If I believe him and terminate the relationship, he will turn out to have been dead wrong, and the resulting alienation of affection will drive her to the Dark Side. If I don't believe him, he will turn out to be right, and I will be used as a pawn by my scheming paramour. I guess the only solution is to take my sweetie on a long vacation and not return until after the Heroic Struggle is completed.
33. I will not goad bad guys with statements like "over my dead body."
If I Am Ever the Hero's Own True Love...
34. I will never take a vow to marry only someone who can defeat me. I will learn of any laws which limit my marriage options and work towards their repeal. I will decided when and who I marry, thank you very much.
35. I will not freeze in terror in the presence of monsters or servants of the Evil Overlord.
36. If I have a friend who never seems to be around when the Hero shows up and clobbers the Bad Guys, I will draw the appropriate conclusions.
37. If I am captured by the Evil Overlord and escape, I will assume that he is tracking me in some manner. If I am going to the hidden rebel base, I'll first go to an alternate location, change clothing, equipment and means of transportation, and then go to the hidden rebel base.
38. If I have a copy of the Evil Overlord's plans and my capture is imminent, I will not send the only copy of those plans away with a cute little sidekick. I will make many copies of the plans and send them away with many cute little sidekicks.
39. I will learn unarmed combat, so that I can kick Bad Guys between the legs, and put my elbow into the Evil Overlord's solar plexus when he uses me as a human shield. I will not, however, attempt to tackle a Bad Guy bare-handed as long as more practical alternatives exist.
40. I will learn armed combat, so that when the Evil Overlord and the Hero are engaged in mortal combat, I can grab some dead henchman's weapons and help tilt the odds in the Hero's favor.
41. I will practice broken-field running so that I can actually run from one place to another without tripping over every shadow, crack, and pebble along my path.
42. If the Evil Overlord tries to force me into marriage, I will insist on a ceremony so expensive that it will debilitate his industrial capacity. I will be picky about the tiniest details of the ceremony and change my mind frequently so that the resulting delay will give the Hero more time to rescue me.
43. My own sidekicks will be picked for brains, not looks.
44. Since liberated women are still allowed to have it both ways, I will not rule out using my womanly wiles to defeat the Evil Overlord. Even if it only works on Stupid Bad Guys, it never hurts to try.
45. After being forced into a compromising situation, I will not grab a weapon from the Bad Guy and toss it to the Hero when he walks in; I will instead grab a weapon from the Bad Guy and use it on him myself, before the Hero walks in.
46. Likewise, if I catch the Hero in a compromising situation with another woman, I will give the Hero the benefit of whatever doubt might reasonably exist.
47. When the Evil Overlord forces me to help betray the Hero, I will make a show of resistance and then feign capitulation. I will then use whatever resources are placed at my disposal to screw the Evil Overlord (in a metaphorical sense, of course).
48. My clothing and footwear will always be appropriate for the occasion. It will enable me to run, climb, and fight, and will hide as large an assortment of personal weaponry as is practical. It will also protect me from frostbite and hypothermia. If my clothing becomes torn in a manner which threatens to kill me from exposure or transform me into cheesecake, I'll steal a jacket from some bad guy. As I am confident that my charm, loyalty and wit are enough to maintain the Hero's love, the harem girl outfit is reserved for private moments when we are living happily ever after.
49. I will not hesitate to lie about the Secret Location of the Rebel Base.
50. If I have phobias about spiders, snakes, lightning, etc., I'll get therapy and overcome them, so that when lives depend on my ability to behave intelligently, I can do it. Since liberated women can still have it both ways, I will feign phobias in order to deceive or distract Bad Guys.
51. If I am offered a bribe, I will accept it, and inform the Hero by a pre-arranged means. The happily-ever-after will be happier if we have a good nest egg to start on.
52. The Hero and I will have a pre-arranged signal so that if one of us is held at gunpoint and the other is ordered to drop his/her weapon, the hostage will know when to duck while the other one plugs the Bad Guy.
53. Knowing that creatures with tentacles have a preference for True Loves, I will keep an eye out for them.
54. I will learn basic mountaineering skills so that when I'm dangling off a cliff the Hero can finish off the Evil Overlord instead of letting him escape in order to rescue me.
55. If I am presented with a reasonable opportunity to save the day myself, I will at least try, and not wait for the Hero to do it.
56. I will never buy an apple from peddlers plying their trade in remote places where the customer base could not possibly support them.
57. I will not give sloppy, wet kisses to the Hero until I verify that he isn't related to me.
58. I will not jump out of a lifeboat as it's being lowered over the side of a sinking ship. I'll either give my spot to a mother with a baby and join the Hero in a noble death, or sensibly stay on the lifeboat and treasure my memories of him forever.
59. I will not steal confidential information from the Hero in an attempt to further my career, thus causing the Hero's dismissal from the team assembled to save the earth and severely damaging his efforts to succeed.
60. If the Hero tells me he wants to break up with me or quit his dangerous job for my protection, it's already too late; a kidnapping is already in the planning, and I will take all reasonable precautions against it.
61. I will obtain a device that the hero can use to locate me when I, despite my best efforts, am kidnapped.
62. I will refrain from converting the Captain of the Guard to our side, as it means he will be killed while helping me to escape.
63. I will not accept gifts from the Evil Overlord. They probably contain mind-control devices that would make me giddily happy to marry him. It's demeaning enough to be head-over-heels for the Hero, let alone a creep like the EO.
64. When the Sidekick rescues me, I will dump any gifts received from the Evil Overlord. They probably contain tracking devices, which would result in the Sidekick getting killed; then I'd have to listen to his confession of undying love while he croaks, and feel obligated to say some comforting baloney before his eyes close for the last time, and then after telling the Hero about his friend's courageous sacrifice, wind up naming our first child after him.
65. There is a fifty-fifty chance that the Hero's Sidekick is in love with me. I'll find him a spunky, moderately attractive tomboy type about his height, and steer them towards each other. If they quarrel, they're in love; if they hit it off, she loves him, but he's secretly unhappy with her and still loves me, and the Hero will need to send them off on a mission together.
66. If I absolutely must scream, I'll use actual words with useful information. "I'M BEING EATEN BY A SHUGGOTH!" better enables the Hero to rescue me than does a simple ear-splitting "AAARRRGGHH!"
67. When the Evil Overlord says that he was driven to his evil by my radiant beauty, I'll just kill him.
68. I will never vow to slay the killer of my brother or other near relative; there is a fair-to-middling chance that the Hero did it, that it was an accident, and that I won't learn he did it until after I fall in love with him.
69. If someone capable of feeling pain covers my mouth with their hand, I will make use of my pearly whites at the moment when my captor can least afford to be distracted.
70. I will save my ethical dilemmas for times when I don't have an enemy at gunpoint.
Tips for the Innocent Bystander:
71. Never take on someone that has just beaten the Hero, unless it is to distract him just before the Hero delivers the killing blow.
72. If the Evil Overlord announces to the world that he has reformed and wants only to help people, throw a party, and give away money, don't go, especially if he's playing Prince's music. If he's lying, you'll be a hostage or a statistic. If he's telling the truth, catch the next one.
73. Watching the Evil Overlord's interview on TV will no doubt be interesting, but don't be in the studio audience when he/she/it hosts "Saturday Night Live." Tape it, and wait a week or so to see if any other viewers had any seizures or mind-control problems before you watch the tape.
74. If you're riding on public transport and the Magnificent Seven board your train or bus, get out immediately and wait for the next one. Especially if they're in their street clothes.
75. If you are exceptionally attractive, stay away from banks. It's always the buxom redhead who gets taken hostage by the bank robbers.
76. Do not run back to get your teddy bear or puppy.
77. If you have small children, keep them on one of those kid leashes when in public, so that they won't go running back after their teddy bear or puppy.
78. When a Bad Guy uses you for a human shield, certain delicate areas of his body are in striking range of your heel. Go for it.
79. If an acquaintance of yours seems to disappear every time the Hero puts in an appearance, rub some of those